"Breathing exercises? Is that it? How is that going to help with my anxiety?"
I often hear this, and I can understand the skepticism. After all, we were born breathing, so why do we need to set aside time to do something we do all the time? Stanford Neuroscientist Dr Andrew Huberman offers a really great explanation about different types of breathing exercises, and how these can help people to teach their nervous systems "to be comfortable in uncomfortable states" (Dr Andrew Huberman), and this puts their brain in an optimal state to function. The trouble is, no matter the neuroscience, we sometimes believe that we don't have time to do things like breathing exercises. We look upon it as a trip to the gym, an hour at least, and then with the travel to and from, it can seem impossible. But research shows that the recommended 'dose' for meditation/breathing exercises is just 13 minutes a day. We probably spend longer than that waiting for a coffee to brew, or ordering stuff online! Check out Dr Huberman's fascinating video here. If you need some breathing exercises, I have plenty here. I hope you find this useful, and I hope you manage to carve out that all-important 5 minutes each day. But if you sometimes don't manage to, be kind to yourself and try to understand rather than judge. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Psychotherapist & Author of Beyond the Blue Ridgewood, New Jersey As a psychotherapist who regularly uses Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR) to help people with anxiety, depression, relationship conflict, and trauma, people often ask me why EMDR works. Here is a fascinating video from Stanford Neuroscientist Dr Andrew Huberman where he explains the interplay between EMDR and your brain - When you attend an EMDR therapy session, eventually (after preliminary work) we will identify target memories that relate to your current difficulties. For example, from a young age you might have formed the belief that you are ‘unsafe’ or ‘unlovable’, or you might carry around an overwhelming sense of shame or abandonment.
Focusing on a target memory, we will guide your eyes laterally (left and right, rather than vertically, up and down). This process helps to quieten your amygdala (your brain’s alarm system) in relation to that target memory, and the triggering belief or emotion. Why do we know this works? Because research shows that when we walk or otherwise move forward, and things move past us, this causes our eyes to move laterally, and thus quietens our amygdala. So the lateral eye movements in EMDR replicates the brain’s natural ability to quieten the amygdala. But that is not all… When you are triggered, or experience a threat (whether that is in the present, or a distressing memory of a past event), you might fight, flee, or freeze. In 2018 Dr Andrew Huberman carried out research into the part of the brain that is responsible for the fight response, or “forward confrontation”, and Dr Huberman explains that this part of the brain is linked to the dopamine reward pathway (and this plays a big part in us experiencing pleasure). Faced with a threat, when we move forward in a safe way, we suppress the amygdala, and we send signals to the dopamine reward centres of our brain “to reward us for forward effort” (Dr Huberman). So in the face of a threat, a sense of forward action will help, and that can be replicated through the use of the lateral eye movements in EMDR - the brain thinks you are moving forward, and this suppresses the fear/alarm system of the amygdala, and it also rewards you through the production of dopamine. I hope you found this as interesting as I did! If you have any questions, get in touch. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Psychotherapist & Author of Beyond the Blue Ridgewood, New Jersey In a relationship you bring your own baggage. You may feel more easily triggered, or scared, or angry, in certain situations that are beyond the control of your loved one(s).
When it comes to your emotions, there are no rights or wrongs. You feel how you feel, but it is how you act on it, and how you communicate those emotions, that counts. This is where boundary-setting comes in. Boundaries help you to establish the space within which you can -
One approach to all of this is to use DEAR skills to set boundaries with love. DEAR skills were developed by Marsha Linehan, who created Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Here is a quick three-minute run-down on using DEAR skills to set boundaries with love -
If DEAR skills are new to you, start slowly. Try one or two parts of it the next time you need to set your boundaries with love. If you have any questions, get in touch. Find out more about relationship conflict. Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist Ridgewood, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com Emotions can really get in the way of things. If we are overwhelmed with anger because we are stuck working from home and teaching our kids at the same time, the pressure might get to us so we say or do something we might regret. We might attempt to dampen these emotions with distraction or food or substances.
But our emotions are are also important sources of information. Sometimes we need to heed the warning signs; like the fuel light on a car, we can only ignore it for so long before that ‘running on empty’ turns into a grinding halt, where we cannot concentrate on work, we are unable to respond kindly and calmly to our kids, and our better half is packing a suitcase to go live with the inlaws. There are better ways to cope, and this is where we turn to emotion regulation. This is a big area, and you probably don’t have time to read a whole book about it, so here are just six aspects of emotion regulation. Emotion regulation can involve - 1. Increasing present-focused emotion awareness – For example, rather than regretting the past or fearing the future, you are mindfully identifying those one-word emotions that are arising within: Anger, sadness, loneliness, or rejection, for example. 2. Developing flexibility in your thoughts and assumptions – For example, are you assuming that your partner knows that you need some space to breathe, and that it would be great if they could take the kids for a run around the park? Do you then generalize this present frustration, and overlook other times, when they have been able to check in with you and find out what you need, and respond lovingly to this? 3. Identify patterns of emotion avoidance – For example, you might have been raised in a household where tears were unwelcome, and so you quickly try and throw yourself into work, or a petty dispute with a friend, instead of allowing those tears to come. 4. Develop awareness and tolerance of bodily sensations - Mindfully noticing and describing your bodily sensations can often serve as a bridge to emotional awareness. We may say that we are “fine”, and yet when we think of our partner, we get a tightness in our throat or our stomach. 5. Gentle, gradual exposure to the things you avoid – How many times have you heard someone say “I don’t want to cry because I fear I will never stop”, or “If I let myself really feel this, I will become overwhelmed and never get out of this slump”? This is a fear-driven approach to emotions, and yet there is another way. I like to think of emotions as a wave – there is a build-up, peak, and then subside of an emotion. If we avoid that emotion when it is building up, we do not benefit from experiencing the subside of the emotion, and this experience can teach our brain that these emotions are not to be feared, and they are temporary. Emotion regulation is hard if we listen to some of the myths that surround our emotions. As a psychotherapist I frequently hear these myths -
The truth is that there is no right or wrong about your emotions, they just exist. It is what you do with them that dictates the right or wrong of emotions, including anger. It is important to pay attention to your emotions because they contain important information about what needs to change. But you need to balance this information with your rational mind. You don’t have to be a hostage to your emotions; they can change by learning about emotion regulation. Part of this includes an awareness that emotions (given the right conditions) peak and then subside. You don't have to become overwhelmed by them. You can change your emotions by developing skills in emotion regulation (as set out above), but you only need to regulate the ones that are unhelpful. This is a useful guide to what emotions are helpful and unhelpful -
I hope you find this useful. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Psychotherapist in New Jersey, and author of Beyond the Blue exploretransform.com In his book ‘I Don’t Want To Talk About It’, Terence Real claims that people who have been given the male label (who I refer to as “the Male Labeled”) are conditioned to confront and assert, instead of connecting and relating to others. As a result, many people who are Male Labeled may become isolated with less options to resolve emotional distress.
In my work as a psychotherapist, I often encounter clients who feel desperate because they have never shared their fears. Left alone to try and work things out, their fears have grown monstrously out of proportion, and sometimes things have felt so overwhelming, that they have considered suicide. When they finally share their fears, when they finally connect to someone else, they are given the opportunity to gain a new perspective. Their problems become more manageable, and they are able to identify strategies and solutions that were available to them all along. Get high on connection Still not convinced about the benefits of connection? How about a bit of science to convince you: Dopamine is the feel-good chemical in the brain, and more is produced when we are introduced to new experiences. This new experience can be a deeper connection with people you already know or even a surface connection with a new person. In whatever form, we should be getting more of it (The Rewarding Nature of Social Interactions, Krach et al). Drugged up, lonely rats Here is some more science: Far far away, in a university in Vancouver (Simon Fraser University, to be precise), Professor Alexander built a cage for some rats to play in. He installed balls and tunnels and food, and he offered them two water bottles; one with water and the other laced with drugs. The rats often chose the plain water, and it was only when they were placed in isolation did Alexander notice that the rats started to choose the drugged water. And when the rats were returned to the cage where they could play and eat with each other, their interest in the drug disappeared. Some have argued that connection is so powerful that it can act as an antidote to addiction. How can we get this thing called ‘connection’? Nobody has a continuous, consistent level of connection with someone else. The quality of the connection can be easily influenced by how open the other person is to connecting with you. So don’t blame yourself if it doesn’t flow as easily as you hoped. You may also find it hard to connect with others if you are enduring stress. If you are distracted by the prospect of losing your job or dealing with a two-year-old child who is screaming blue murder, be kind to yourself and don’t hope for too much all at once. Our styles of connection have a lot to do with how we were raised. For example, if our caregivers (usually our parents) were emotionally distant, we might think that being emotionally distant is a desirable way of being in our adult relationships. Always do what you’ve always done, always get what you’ve always got But we can unlearn as much as we learn. How is that aloof, distant manner working out for you so far?; feeling a little lonely on that island? Why not try a different approach. Everything new feels a bit awkward at first, but with practice, it might feel a bit easier. And besides, if we always do what we have always done, we will always get what we have always got (Henry Ford). Never too late If we have never experienced a healthy connection with someone else, it is not too late to learn how. A decent therapist can show you what it is like to make a connection with someone. I hope you found this useful. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Psychotherapist and author of Beyond the Blue Ridgewood, Northern New Jersey www.exploretransform.com Panic attacks are terrifying and debilitating. You cannot breathe, your head spins, your limbs are buzzing with energy, and you are sweating like a pig. At the time you believe that you are going to die, but you don’t. You are sure that you have something physically wrong with you (perhaps your heart or lungs), but the doctors can find no cause for all of this.
Without any explanation for this, you start to do some of the following things -
Each time you look back and realize that this is your mind playing tricks with you, rather than a serious physical health concern. But there is hope for change. With a bit of guidance, we can help you to -
To plan for the next panic attack, here are some things to consider -
Panic attacks are scary at the time, but they do not have to rule your life. There are simple tools for you to use and regain control of your life, and if these do not help, there are treatments such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy) that can help. Either way, you do not have to continue to struggle. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Psychotherapist and author of Beyond the Blue +1 (201) 779-6917 www.exploretransform.com Caught up in a second wave, with conflicting working from home schedules and home-schooling, there is a danger that intimate relationships can become starved of nourishment. We end up simply existing.
Here are ten tips to nourish a relationship that might be starving for affection, compassion, or a simple safe space to be heard. Your schedule is already overloaded, so these are not intended to be time-consuming. You also do not need to radically alter your life, becoming a completely different person for each other. Think of these as food for thought, and if these seem overwhelming, just take one at a time.
Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com If you are feeling triggered by rising COVID numbers, these simple tips might help with your anxiety. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Ridgewood, New Jersey Psychotherapist and author of Beyond the Blue |
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