If you missed the last seven days of posts from me, here is another chance:

• Parental alcoholism – I have a particular interest in working with those affected by parental alcoholism.  Have a look at this video put together for the Fragile Childhood activity which has been running in Finland since 1986 -  http://www.exploretransform.com/counselling-and-coaching-blog/a-fragile-childhood 
• Addiction and recovery - The first step to recovery is to recognise the different stages of addiction. Check out the Jellinek Curve and let me know what you think  http://www.exploretransform.com/counselling-and-coaching-blog/addiction-and-recovery
• The gift of presence (mindfulness) – If you are longing to see a future change that may or may not happen, or you are caught in a prism of mirrors that are held up to a past that changes with every second glance, try focusing on the present with this simple mindfulness exercise  http://www.exploretransform.com/counselling-and-coaching-blog/the-gift-of-presence
• Talking through suicidal thoughts -  If someone is suicidal, how can talking to a trained expert help? Here is another chance to hear my radio interview where I discuss this. Let me know your thoughts  http://www.exploretransform.com/counselling-and-coaching-blog/how-can-talking-help1
• Anger management - We all get angry.  Anger is an emotion as acceptable as any other, and yet for some their anger has become a problem.  At what point is the expression of an emotion a problem that needs to be managed? http://www.exploretransform.com/counselling-and-coaching-blog/anger-management1  
• Counselling in Wimbledon Park –If you need to talk to an experienced psychotherapist or counsellor, get in touch to book an appointment http://www.exploretransform.com/counselling-and-coaching-blog/local-to-wimbledon-park   

Chris Warren-Dickins BACP Registered Counsellor
E:  chris@exploretransform.com
T:  07816681154
W:  www.exploretransform.com

​We all get angry.  Anger is an emotion as acceptable as any other, and yet for some their anger has become a problem.  They feel that they tend to react more angrily than the average person, and for some it has even threatened to ruin a career or destroyed a special relationship. So at what point is the expression of an emotion a problem that needs to be managed? 
To help us understand this, we can look at anger in contrast with other emotions.  Why do some people feel that they react more angrily than others? –

• Anger and anxiety - If someone feels threatened and she tends to perceive herself as unable to cope in a situation, she will tend to feel anxious. However, if someone tends to focus on the violation of her rights when she feels threatened, she will tend to get angry rather than anxious.

• Anger and sadness - If someone is insulted and she tends to accept the insult, devaluing herself as a result, the emotion would tend to be sadness. However, in the same situation, if the person tends to reject the insult as unfounded and unacceptable, the resulting emotion would tend to be anger.  

Feeling an emotion, whether it is anger, anxiety, sadness, or any other emotion, is neither good nor bad.  It is just an emotion.  So at what point can we say that an angry reaction is unacceptable and problematic?  Most would agree that the tipping point is

• When the anger is in response to a distorted version of reality. Is it reasonable to say that one’s rights are really being violated, or is this just an imagined incursion, perhaps an echo from the past? 

• When the anger is a disproportionate reaction, when the situation does not warrant such an extreme reaction. Are we slamming our fist into the wall even when we cannot find our keys?  

If anger has become a problem, how can talking to a trained professional help?

• Twisted thinking?  A cognitive behavioural therapist would focus on a person’s thoughts and assumptions.  It might be that the client is thinking in an unhelpful way (some therapists refer to this as ‘twisted thinking’) and the therapist would offer the client an opportunity to challenge these thoughts.  Examples of twisted thinking include jumping to conclusions, generalising about situations, assuming things about other people (or ‘mind-reading’) and living by the ‘tyranny of the shoulds’ (the client believes that she should live a certain way, and the world should be a certain way). 

By way of illustration, a person might assume that everyone should be polite to each other, and as a result that person might feel angry every time someone is impolite to her.  Once the thoughts and assumptions are identified, the therapist will help the person to change any thoughts and assumptions that are unhelpful.  For example, the therapist might suggest that the person changes the shouldstatement into ‘I would like people to be polite to each other, but I am aware that not everyone will be’.  This change in assumption might lead to less anger, as a result of less perceived violation of that person’s rights.

• Unmet needs and assertiveness. Anger is often a communication of unmet needs.  Talking to a therapist can help someone to identify those needs, and together the therapist and client can work out a more constructive way to ensure that those needs are met.  This can often involve assertiveness training, so that the client is able to communicate those needs without expressing anger in a disproportionate manner.

• Expression of emotion (rather than venting) Talking to a therapist might be an opportunity to express the anger, which might lead to new insights.  Many therapists draw a distinction between venting and expression of emotion.  Venting implies that anger is something to be eradicated, whereas expression of anger implies that this emotion might be a communication of something important about that client.  In their book on expressing emotion, Kennedy-Moore and Watson suggested three conditions for a constructive expression of anger –

‘1.  When it is directed at the appropriate target.  Indirect strategies like punching pillows…do nothing to alter the source of anger…

1. When it does not lead to further retaliation by the target’ (for example, one could write an angry letter which is then torn up)
2. ‘When it results in changes in the perceptions of the expresser or the behaviour of the target.’

Talking to a trained professional about anger management can be useful, but we cannot do anything until we are fully aware.  Some people deny that they are ever angry, and so it is important to reflect on this as anger can be communicated in a number of ways, passively and actively.  Consider carefully how you feel and how that makes you behave in certain situations.  It is okay to feel angry, but to what degree is that anger a response to a distorted version of reality?  And even if it is not distorted, is the extent of our anger a proportionate reaction to the situation?
What are your thoughts on this?
 
​Chris Warren-Dickins BACP Registered Counsellor
E:  chris@exploretransform.com
T:  07816681154
W:  www.exploretransform.com

If someone is suicidal, how can talking to a trained expert help? Here is another chance to hear my radio interview where I discuss this. Let me know your thoughts https://soundcloud.com/wandsworthradio/wandsworth-tonight-210715
 
Chris Warren-Dickins BACP Registered Counsellor
E:  chris@exploretransform.com
T:  07816681154
W:  www.exploretransform.com

Things just don’t feel right.  All around you there are signs that you should be happy, and yet you ache with a nagging sense of discontent. 

In the news we are hearing how Facebook is linked to depression.  Perhaps.  But depression, discontent, generally feeling in a funk are states of mind, body and spirit that have roamed this earth long before Mark Zuckerberg made his mark.  So where can we lay the blame?  We start to rummage around in the past, trying to find clues for where it all went wrong, but if the problems are here in the present, isn’t that where we should look?

When I sit with clients I often see how hard they strain away from their present skin, whether that is because they are longing to see a future change that may or may not ever happen, or because they are caught in a prism of mirrors that they hold up to a past that changes each time they look at it.  They are lost from the present, either because what is here and now is too painful, or perhaps simply they have formed a habit of constantly looking back or forward.

The funny thing about the present is that it is always here for us to look at.  We do not have to flick through photos to remember, or drum our fingers as we count down the days to a future possible.  It is here for the taking, and that carries a measure of control with it.  We have the ability to control how much we immerse ourselves in the here and now, accepting what is without trying to change.

Sometimes the present is too painful.  We have all developed coping mechanisms, and avoidance is one form of coping mechanism.  In the case of extreme trauma we can suffer post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and in this case we dissociate from our present feelings (we become emotionally numbed) because if we were to connect with them we might become overwhelmed. 

In less extreme cases, we may be avoiding the present because we believe the pain would be too much to handle.  Sometimes the fear of unravelling is too much, so we keep it all held tightly in.  In this case, perhaps we could try small steps towards awareness of the present.  I am a firm believer that we cannot achieve change until we have become fully aware (and accepted) what is.  So I see the process of change as –

1. Awareness, and only then…
2. Acceptance, and only then…
3. Change

A useful starting point with awareness and acceptance is a mindfulness technique called the ‘Three Minute Breathing Space’.  There are many versions of this widely available, and I originally discovered this in Jon Kabat-Zinn’s ‘Full Catastrophe Living’ (2001) but below is my version.  In my version I have separated out the three dimensions of our awareness into… 

1. Our thoughts,
2. Our feelings, and
3. Our sensations

In this three minute breathing space we are simply becoming aware of the present.  We are not trying to change anything, we are simply using our breath to anchor us in the present and accept what is.  It is not necessarily a relaxation exercise, because accepting what is in the present may be acceptance of a state that is far from relaxed!

Sit in a quiet room where there are no distractions.  Let your breathing be the anchor to hold you in the present.  Just notice your breath, and do not try to change anything.  As you breathe –

1. You may become aware of thoughts bubbling up into your mind. Let them bubble up, and do not try to change anything.  Just be aware of your thoughts, and consider that you are not your thoughts.  They do not define you, and they cannot harm you.  They are just thoughts.  If your mind wanders, let it and then gently bring your awareness back to your breathing, so that it anchors you in the present.
2. You may become aware of sensations in your body, such as discomfort, tightness in certain parts. Again, just notice these sensations and try not to do anything about them.  Gently bring your awareness back to your breathing so that it anchors you in the present.
3. You may become aware of feelings, including frustration or anger, perhaps sadness. Allow these feelings to bubble up and try not to change anything.  Just be aware of the feelings, and gently bring your awareness back to the present by focusing back on your breathing.

The most important aspect of this exercise is your experience of it.  If you experience thoughts of ‘mumbo jumbo nonsense’, a sensation like a tight steel ball in the pit of your stomach, or feelings of anger, that is already giving you more awareness than you may have been experiencing before the exercise.  Give it a try.  I would be interested to hear how you experience it.

​Chris Warren-Dickins BACP Registered Counsellor
E:  chris@exploretransform.com
T:  07816681154
W:  www.exploretransform.com

Discover Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist with practices in South West London and Central London. 

The areas covered in South West London (Southfields, SW18 - near Wimbledon) include: Southfields , Wandsworth , Earlsfield , Wimbledon , Putney , Clapham, Merton, Clapham, Roehampton, Kingston

​Chris Warren-Dickins BACP Registered Counsellor
E:  chris@exploretransform.com
T:  07816681154
W:  www.exploretransform.com

I have a particular interest in working with those affected by parental alcoholism.  Have a look at this video put together for the Fragile Childhood activity which has been running in Finland since 1986 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwdUXS94yNk

Chris Warren-Dickins BACP Registered Counsellor
E:  chris@exploretransform.com
T:  07816681154
W:  www.exploretransform.com
​

​Work or live near Wimbledon Park?  If you need to talk to an experienced psychotherapist or counsellor, get in touch to book an appointment

​In this video I explore what is called the 'double-bind of depression'.  If you are interested in counselling or coaching, do get in touch to book a free initial appointment
​
Chris Warren-Dickins BACP Registered Counsellor
E:  chris@exploretransform.com
T:  07816681154
W:  www.exploretransform.com