Something is up but you don’t know what it is.  During COVID there has been so much change that all of life seems in chaos and darkness.  We need to find a new way to live, to search for a guiding light to lead us towards a new sense of certainty.  But we do not know where to begin. 

When I work with clients who don’t know where to begin, who cannot find a way forward through so much chaos and darkness, I like to help them with a brief visualization. 
Here it is - 

1. You know that something is not right with your life, and you have asked yourself ‘What needs to change?’, but still you have no answer.
2. You decide to leave the confines of your home, where the same old information can get stuck, circling round the same four walls.  Imagine opening the door to your home and leaving for a nearby forest.  You may need to imagine driving there if you cannot reach it by foot.
3. Once you have found the forest, take a moment to survey the trees.  Marvel at how tall and strong they appear, and how rooted they remain, even in the strongest storm.  Take a moment to feel your own feet rooted firmly in the ground.  Just notice how it feels to make contact with that ground, knowing that you have the ability to keep yourself grounded at any moment.
4. When you are ready, step into the forest and notice how you feel.  Pay particular attention to any tension you feel if you lose your way, or you find it hard to see in the occasional shift in light (from daylight to shade).
5. Notice what it is like in your body to stop for a moment, at the edge of three different paths.  Notice how you decide which path to choose.  Just notice.
6. Once you have chosen the path, look for the edge of the forest, and see how the light begins to change from shade to light again.
7. As you leave the forest, notice how your body feels with the relief that comes, and then you see a stream.  Floating in the stream is the issue you have been trying to find, and it washes up against the banks right next to you. 
8. What is it like to look down at this issue, resting on the banks?  

A visualization can be useful to identify an issue to focus on, and that clarity can give you a sense of relief from the chaos and darkness.  The next step is to plan how to work on that issue.  This can be difficult alone, so if you need help, get in touch.

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com

Almost a year has gone by, and still it feels like we are living in a disaster movie.  I have seen higher cases of anxiety and panic attacks, and so it is important to remember how to keep calm during COVID.  The Safe / Calm Place is just one tool to help you.

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey
​www.exploretransform.com

Feeling sluggish?  Worried about getting back to ‘normal’ life when this pandemic is over? (Commuting to the city, taking the kids to activities, etc.). Here are some quick tips to motivate you -

1. With any planning, keep it simple and grow from there
2. Acknowledge the occasional success, no matter how small it may seem (Eg, My kids wore matching socks this morning. Yay!)
3. Create regular mini-rewards (Eg, Hello, Starbucks…!)
4. Review progress and adjust the timescale for each goal (Don’t be that annoyingly stubborn stick-in-the-mud)
5. Prioritise rest and relaxation (No rewards for Martyrs here)

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com

You have made it.  You have the career you worked so hard for, and you have the things you never thought would be yours:  A decent salary, benefits, people reporting to you, and a boss who actually likes you.  Yet still the Imposter lurks in the background.  The Imposter tells you that you are balancing on a razor edge, and all of this could disappear.  The words that fill your day are ‘I am not good enough’.  You are in the grip of Imposter Syndrome.

I have worked with many people who have struggled with this, and without the right help, it can cause widespread damage.  Without tackling Imposter Syndrome, people can remain stagnant in their career, avoid commitment in personal relationships, and I have even worked with clients who have been unable to buy a home because they did not believe they would keep the career that would pay for it.  The constant theme in their life is that they do not believe in any of their strengths, resources and achievements.

So what on earth is going on?  Why do some of us suffer from Imposter Syndrome?  Here are some thoughts.

Twisted Thinking from your Negative Voice
Your Imposter Syndrome is coming from your Negative Voice.  We all have one, but when you are in the grip of Imposter Syndrome you let this voice prevail, and it ends up impacting your thought process; you make assumptions in the negative, and you jump to conclusions about all sorts of things to prove the point that you should not deserve the status or accolades you have been awarded.  David Burns calls this sort of thought process Twisted Thinking, and here are some examples -

• Labeling - You call yourself ‘Stupid’ or ‘A Failure’.
• Filtering -  You only focus on the negative.
• Polarized Thinking (or “Black and White” Thinking) - Things are an absolute disaster or an absolute success.
• Overgeneralization - You decide that one mistake will mean that you will not get anything right.
• Jumping to Conclusions - We assume people are thinking badly of us.
• Personalization - We focus only on our role in an incident, ultimately leading to self-blame.

Do any of these sound familiar to you?

Who opened the door to the Imposter?
When I help clients manage their Imposter Syndrome, I search for any ‘secondary gain’.  Some clients continue to believe in the Imposter because they are somehow benefiting from this belief.  This is especially so if a caregiver introduced this sense of disbelief in your own strengths and resources.  We are so impressionable when we are young and our brains are forming; no matter how well-intentioned a caregiver, they may say certain things that open a door to allow an Imposter to creep in.  For example, you may have had a parent who tells you that you are more of a sportsman than an academic, and so the doubts start to grow when you need intelligence in your career.  Even when you have the evidence to show that you have done pretty well with your intelligence, there is an emotional pull away from this belief, because to accept it might mean that you reject (at least in part) that caregiver.

Assertive Communication
Often we feel like an Imposter because we are failing to meet our needs.  We are so worried about being ‘found out’ that the last thing we want to do is draw attention to ourselves by asserting our needs.  The trouble is, success requires us to speak up and assert our views and needs.

You don’t have to live with this Imposter forever; there are simple things you can do.

• Challenge your Negative Voice and the Twisted Thinking by reality-testing those assumptions.  Here are some examples -
  • Labelling - We are more complex than our labels.  We are neither ‘Stupid’ nor ‘A Failure’ because we have strengths and limitations like everyone else.
  • Filtering - If we only focus on the negative, we run the risk of distorting reality.  Are you overlooking some of the positive aspects?
  • Polarized Thinking  - Life rarely falls into the binary opposites of black or white.  Think in terms of shades of grey.  Another way of looking at this is to turn the ‘black’ of apparent failure (and the ‘white’ of success), turn this into a numeric scale from 0 - 100 of things that have gone well and things that have gone not so well.

• Search for any secondary gains - in what way do you benefit from the Imposter?  How can you get these benefits in some other way?

• How assertive are you?

• List your qualities and achievements, and place particular emphasis on the achievements that were hard.  Then find a way to celebrate each difficult achievement.

If you still have questions about Imposter Syndrome, get in touch today.

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com