Assertiveness (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)
 
Whether it is the person who is perceived to be the ‘bully’, or the person perceived to be the ‘victim’, either party may feel that the situation has arisen because either party has an issue with assertiveness.  No one is assertive all the time, so to assess how assertive you are in a situation, ask yourself:  ‘How much do I act on other people’s wishes at the cost of my own?’  If you are frequently doing this, and it is causing you difficulties in your life, you may need to consider working on your assertiveness.
 
Assertiveness includes the ability to ask for something but also the ability to say no.  Consider the following points when you think about times you have asked the work bully for something, or when you have had to say no to him –

• Watch for inappropriate smiles or apologies 
• Keep it brief, speak clearly and confidently
• If you are unsure, if you feel unable to answer immediately, ask for more information.  If you are still unsure, state clearly that you will need to think about this and you will come back to him with an answer at a later date
• If you have given your view and the work bully keeps asking the same question, trying to force you to change your mind, consider yourself like a strong old tree swaying in the wind:  Simply repeat your point without changing it.  You can empathise with the work bully’s position without having to alter your own position in any way:  For example, ‘I understand you are under pressure to have an answer today but, based on the information I have at the moment, I will not be able to offer you an answer today.  I will, however, come back to you first thing tomorrow with an answer’. 
• Don’t use the phrase ‘I cannot’ when you mean ‘I will not’
• Avoid blaming others

​This Workplace  Issues blog is part of the Explore & Transform Wellbeing toolkit.  Click here to access more Wellbeing tools

If you would like to book a free 30 minute telephone consultation, send me an email by clicking here 

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA Registered Psychotherapist & Founder of Explore & Transform

‘Pain’ Management (Mindfulness; Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)
 
To befriend the bully, we need to learn how to tolerate the discomfort.  I have worked with clients who have been living with a physical condition which causes them chronic pain, and together we have tried out the following suggestions that you might like to try to manage the ‘pain’ this bully causes you –

• Enter into the ‘pain’.  Really tune into the thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations this bully evokes in you.  Become aware of, and accept, what is, rather than trying to ignore it, or fear the future uncertain.  Try to be specific when you describe these experiences, but at the same time recognise these thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations as simply thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations.  If you allow yourself to experience a distance from these, you may be able to see that they are often temporary.  They are not the whole of you.
• If entering the ‘pain’ seems overwhelming, anchor yourself in the moment by focusing on your breath.  Allow thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations to come and go, but keep returning your attention to each breath.  Ask yourself ‘How uncomfortable is it right now?’ rather than fearing the future uncertain.
• Manage your expectations.  It is probably unrealistic to expect to never suffer any ‘pain’ from this bully, and so you will set yourself up for disappointment.
• Caricaturise the bully.  In the privacy of your own home, draw him with distorted features and give him a comedic name.  This can offer you distance from his aggression. 
• You can try all sorts of affirming statements including:  I am choosing to go to work today.  I have strength to withstand this situation.  There is more to me than my working life. 
• Give yourself space when you need it.  This can even be in a toilet cubicle, or a refreshing walk during a lunch break
• Give yourself a few minutes each day to stop and become aware of your breathing, letting thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations come and go without resistance or challenge
• When you leave work, try as much as you can to leave it behind.  Change your clothes when you return home, and resist working at home

In my next blog post I will look at Part 3 (the final part) to Befriending the Workplace Bully

​This Workplace  Issues blog is part of the Explore & Transform Wellbeing toolkit.  Click here to access more Wellbeing tools

If you would like to book a free 30 minute telephone consultation, send me an email by clicking here 

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA Registered Psychotherapist & Founder of Explore & Transform

​The bully at work:  He might sit right next to you, breathing down your neck as you read this, or she might be the person who conducts your performance review.  It is easy to spot the snarling, curled lip spite of a bully because we daily dodge them during our commute as they shoulder us out the way. We have been ducking and diving out of their way since the school playground.
 
However, unlike the school playground bully from our past, or the shoulder-shover on the train this morning, there is no escape from the work bully.  We can hold our breath for a train journey, but to face a work bully for the entire day, every working day, can sometimes be more than we can endure. Changing jobs is drastic, and sometimes not even an option, especially in this fragile economy.  We have all heard the statistics about lost work days due to stress, anxiety and depression.  So what can we do to withstand this?  If we cannot change what is happening to us, perhaps we can look at ways to strengthen our resolve.  To befriend the bully from within.

Karpman’s drama triangle (Transactional Analysis)
 
Bullying can be an act of overt or passive aggression.  In addition, as situations are often fluid, we adopt different roles in response to different circumstances.  As a result, the ‘bully’ label is often not fixed.  Only the honest amongst us can admit that we all have the potential to become a bully at certain points in our lives.  Just as any one of us can adopt the role of ‘victim’ or ‘rescuer’.
 
A concept from Transactional Analysis is Karpman’s drama triangle:  In social situations we can sometimes adopt one of the following roles:  Persecutor, Victim or Rescuer.  If one person is leaning in one direction (for example, they are becoming a Victim), that can often make others appear as if they are adopting one of the other roles (they are becoming the Persecutor or the Rescuer).  As a result, people perceive each other in terms of these contrasting roles, without recognising that we have elements of each in all of us.
 
By adopting one of these roles, there is often a payoff.  If we become the Victim, for example, we might be protected by a Rescuer in our life.  We do not have to go to the effort of rescuing ourselves.  If we adopt the role of Persecutor, we do not have to accept the pain of recognising that we all have vulnerabilities.  Our tendency to adopt one of these roles can often be subconscious, so it is hard to challenge this alone, but the more we recognise that these roles exist, the more likely we are to challenge this, and avoid viewing a situation in such a simplistic way as consisting of a Persecutor (or ‘bully’), a Victim and a Rescuer.
 
To view the ‘bully’ as a whole person, rather than simply the Persecutor –

• See the workplace bully as someone who is probably acting in fear.  Aggression, whether it is overt or passive, is born of fear, so if we just see the aggressive behaviour, we have missed a trick.
• A bully often feels inferior, and so their behaviour is a way of managing that perceived inferiority.
• When you interact with the workplace bully, make eye contact and remain civil, even if the bully has descended into childishness

In my next blog post I will look at Part 2 to Befriending the Workplace Bully

​This Workplace  Issues blog is part of the Explore & Transform Wellbeing toolkit.  Click here to access more Wellbeing tools
​
If you would like to book a free 30 minute telephone consultation, send me an email by clicking here 

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA Registered Psychotherapist & Founder of Explore & Transform

If you need to seek help, it can be hard to take that first step.  You might know that talking to someone might help, but that first step seems insurmountable.  

Perhaps the first step might be to read a short summary of tips to help you with your issue.  This might start you thinking along the right lines, or even give you confidence to take the next step, which is to make contact with a professional.  

The Wellbeing Toolkit is a series of short, easy to read tools for a range of issues including social anxiety, depression and unhelpful thinking patterns.  I have started with the tools below, but others will be added in the weeks and months ahead.

• An ABC of CBT tool
• A Daily Mood Log
• A depression tool
• A social anxiety tool
• An unhelpful thinking tool

Take that first step and have a look at the Wellbeing Toolkit.  Who knows where you will end up!

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA Registered Psychotherapist & Founder of Explore & Transform

As Halloween approaches, manage your social anxiety using these quick and accessible tools -
Anxiety is often about:

1. Perceived dangers, and 2. The perceived inability to cope with a situation

If social situations seem dangerous, or you perceive yourself as unable to cope with social situations, have a look at this simple two-stage process to help you manage social anxiety.
 
The two-stage approach is based on: 

1. Explore:  To explore the issues
2. Transform:  To try out new ways of being to transform your life in this respect​​