Are we cooperating or are we fawning?

10/29/2024

It is good to cooperate, but sometimes, we can end up making sacrifices when we don’t have to. When we get stuck in a response, we lose the ability to respond in an appropriate way. When we get stuck in a response, we cannot weigh up the pros and cons and make an informed decision based on the present reality. When we get stuck in a response, we are responding to the past trauma(s) rather than the present.

Pete Walker, a therapist who specializes in trauma, identified the “fawn response” as one of the various trauma responses. You have probably already heard of fight, flight, or freeze, but often people overlook the fawn response. As we are a society that demands cooperation, I wonder if we have developed a blind spot to this trauma response.

Here are a few telltale signs to identify if you are in a fawn (trauma) response rather than just being cooperative:

1.You make sacrifices for other people without considering your own feelings and needs.
2.You know rationally that you can refuse to comply with a request, but you feel like you have no other choice.
3.You frequently apologize.
4.Fear prevents you from making decisions.
5.You feel responsible for everyone’s feelings and needs.
6.You act according to the values of others, rather than your own values.
7.You feel invisible in a group.
8.When you feel angry, you feel guilty. (Note the difference between feeling angry and acting on anger.)

Book online today if you would like to explore more about the fawn response, and other responses of your nervous system. You can book online for a free initial telephone call.

Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist at Explore Transform LLC
Counseling & Psychotherapy in Ridgewood, New Jersey

Understanding your freeze response

10/25/2024

Have you ever heard of the freeze response? Dr Stephen Porges offers a simple explanation. The more we understand our nervous system responses, the more compassionate we can be (with ourselves and others).

Get in touch if you would like to explore more about the freeze response, and other responses of your nervous system. You can book online for a free initial telephone call.

Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist at Explore Transform LLC
Counseling & Psychotherapy in Ridgewood, New Jersey

Letting go of toxic shame

10/25/2024

When it comes to toxic shame, Dr Peter Levine has some beautiful suggestions. In this video, Levine explains that old wounds of shame can still hurt, no matter how many years have passed. In your present life, you can experience moments of rejection wounds that might have been created when you were a young child or an adolescent.

When you notice the pain from that old wound, say (from the adult part of you) to that child or adolescent part:
"Your pain won't go on forever. I will always be here to support you."

When you say this, notice in your body how it initially felt to re-experience that wound, and then notice how your body changes after those supportive words. The idea is to notice how your body can go from a state of defeat or collapse to a state of energetic liveliness.

Remember: The opposite of shame is authentic pride.

Get in touch if you would like to explore more about toxic shame. You can book online for a free initial telephone call.

Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist at Explore Transform LLC
Counseling & Psychotherapy in Ridgewood, New Jersey

Loneliness and powerlessness within the workplace

10/21/2024

A recent survey (the State of the Global Workplace 2024) found that one in five people are lonely in the workplace. In a recent article in the Harvard Business Review, the authors claimed that loneliness is having a "huge impact on healthcare costs, absenteeism, and turnover."

But we shouldn't just focus on loneliness in a vacuum. We are feeling lonely in the workplace but we are also feeling powerless. One of the reasons for this might have something to do with global affairs (wars being waged on multiple fronts), worsening climate change, an increased divide between the rich and power, and the increased use of AI.

If you combine powerlessness and loneliness, the result is a higher risk of developing a sense of hopelessness, and any mental health practitioner would tell you that hopelessness is a red flag when it comes to our mental health. Hopelessness and depression are close bed fellows, and there is a higher risk of suicide when people have expressed feelings of hopelessness.

Remember the saying: If a tree falls in a forest and no one was around to see it, did it really fall? For some of my clients, this is how they describe their average working day. They don't see people during the commute, they don't go in to interact with others in an office, and some don't even turn on their cameras for video meetings. As a result, people miss out on all the opportunities to feel better about themselves because they don't get the eye contact or the facial cues that someone is happy or engaged. You are less likely to feel like you exist in their world.

From a polyvagal perspective, our nervous system requires certain cues of safety so we can get back into a ventral vagal state. This is when we feel safe and calm, and studies show that this is when we are better able to focus on our work, strategize, and form important relationships. These cues come from vocal tones, eye contact, and facial expressions, and without this, our nervous system might go into the protective modes of fight-or-flight (the sympathetic state), or even shutdown (the dorsal vagal state).

So what can we do?

We might not have much influence over global wars and worsening climate change, but we can increase the chance of engaging in face to face interactions. Turn on that camera so your nervous system can benefit from all the cues of safety (vocal tones, eye contact, and other facial expressions). Get moving, so you use your whole body. It can be so easy to get stuck in one place for the entire day, hunched over a computer or a smart phone. And search for ways to mix up your schedule. I know of a couple of people who change their approach to work every week or so. One week they go into the office every other day, the next week they go in two days on and three days off.

In the recent article by Harvard Business Review, the authors argues that loneliness needs to be tackled by the organization as a whole, rather than leaving individuals to work it out. For example, put loneliness on the agenda. Measure it, discuss it at meetings, and jointly come up with initiatives to address it. It frustrates me when some organizations use the term "soft skills" as if it is a nice thing to have but they are never going to take it seriously, allocating time or any other resources finding solutions. If it is having an impact on absenteeism or turnover, it is a business problem which needs a solution from the business.

Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist at Explore Transform LLC
Ridgewood, New Jersey

Are we cooperating or are we fawning?

Understanding your freeze response

Letting go of toxic shame

Loneliness and powerlessness within the workplace

Therapy Blog

Archives