It's nice to be nice...Or is it?
We all have to get along. We rub shoulders with each other everyday, and we need to cooperate on projects, co-parenting, co-working, etc. That's a given. But does this require a "nice" attitude or something else? Being "nice" involves passivity. We sacrifice our own needs and feelings, and we disregard our own boundaries for the sake of others. We keep silent about how we view things because we don't want to 'rock the boat.' As a result, we leave ourselves open to manipulation by the opportunists and the bullies. A more sustainable approach is to try something different. Being "kind" involves assertiveness. We are clear when we communicate our feelings and needs. We are not ashamed or afraid of maintaining our boundaries. This is not an all-or-nothing situation, and there are no winners or losers. This is about continuously striking a balance between your own needs, feelings, and boundaries, and the needs, feelings and boundaries of others. To illustrate this with my clients, I often hold two hands up and show that “both can be true”. For example, on the one hand, you can view things a certain way, and feel a certain way, and have certain needs. At the same time, on the other hand, you can acknowledge that the other person can view things a different way, and feel a different way, and have different needs. If you have experienced trauma, you probably know about the various trauma responses: Fight, flight, freeze. These sound pretty familiar. But there is also a trauma response called "fawning." This is where your nervous system senses danger, and you get stuck in an overly compliant mode of appeasement. Fawning is more akin to being "nice" (where you are probably reacting, without free will, as a result of feeling unsafe) than being "kind" (which is more likely to involve free will; you are choosing how to respond in a balanced way, considering your own needs and the needs of others). Some of my clients like checklists, so if you are one of those types of people, here are eight points for your checklist:
I hope you found this useful. You can read more about powerlessness here. Please do reach out if you need to discuss this further. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey In the US, there is a bias towards extroversion. As a result, loneliness and solitude can be misinterpreted as the same thing.
Loneliness isn't a numbers game; you can feel lonely in a crowded room. Loneliness involves feeling emotionally disconnected from others, either because they don't care, respect, or understand you. So, loneliness is about the quality of our social interactions rather than the quantity. Another way of putting it is that loneliness is defined by a gap between your expectation for meaningful social connection, and the reality you experience. The U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has referred to loneliness as a public health epidemic, and yet people rarely admit that they are lonely or socially isolated. It seems that people are more willing to admit that they are stressed than to talk about loneliness and isolation. Despite the lack of discourse, research shows that many people are feeling lonelier and more socially isolated since the COVID-19 pandemic. When we look at the quality of our relationships, we can often find the source of our loneliness. For example, we might be stuck in unhelpful patterns with our friends and family, unable to live authentically out of fear of rejection or judgment. To change this can sometimes require a deep dive into the expectations and assumptions that were given to us at an early age. Therapy is a wonderful opportunity to examine each expectation and assumption and decide whether we need to keep these or discard them, replacing them with something that is a better fit. This is where a psychotherapist can help you with loneliness. We can help you to identify loneliness as one of the root causes of your mental distress, and then we can then help you to plan how you are going to tackle this. For example, as a result of working together, you might realize that you need to address the quality, not just the quantity, of your connections, so you can make informed choices to better protect your mental health. Learn more about loneliness here. Alternatively, book online for a free telephone call with me. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey For survivors of trauma, burnout can occur when we try to work against unhelpful beliefs that have been created by the trauma. For example, if the trauma results from an adverse childhood, we can develop the belief that we are "not good enough" or "unworthy." As a result, we can spend our adulthood working harder and harder, trying to prove to ourselves (and others) that we are "good enough" or "worthy." We might, for example, develop perfectionistic tendencies in our working life as much as our personal relationships: "If I could just work harder at this and stop making mistakes," for example, "I might feel good enough or worthy." In such cases, there is a high risk of burnout.
A survivor of trauma might also risk burnout by overly focusing on something (for example, work or a business, or even a hobby). We might do this to distract ourselves from our trauma, or this excessive focus might give us a sense of power and control to counterbalance the feelings of powerlessness or helplessness that inevitably develop from trauma. For years, we have been working with survivors of trauma using EMDR and Polyvagal theory. On this page, you will find a great deal of information about Polyvagal theory and EMDR. Learn more about burnout and trauma by talking to me, an experienced psychotherapist in New Jersey. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey We often feel powerless to our thoughts and feelings, but more is within our control than we believe. According to Polyvagal theory, your ventral vagal nerve connects with your sinoatrial node (the heart’s pacemaker), and so it has been given the nickname the "vagal brake".
Without the vagal nerve, the heart would beat faster and faster. The ventral vagus nerve slows down or speeds up the heart depending on the circumstances, and so the more familiar you are with how you can use this nerve, the more flexible you can become in response to life’s events. Studies show that if we can slow our heart rate down, for example with some simply breathing exercises (such as box breathing), we can slow down our mind and reduce the intensity of stressful events. This has an impact on our physical health because less stress means less of the harmful stress hormones such as cortisol and epinephrine. Increased levels of epinephrine damage blood vessels and arteries and raise blood pressure, and excessive cortisol levels result in increased fat tissue. One easy next step you can take is to make a list of all the moments where you notice that you feel safe and calm (in other words, when you are in your ventral vagal state). This could be a calming walk in nature, a comforting rest in front of a good book, or cuddling your pets or children. Bring back an image that represents the best part of that safe and calming moment, and breathe it in, trying to reduce the speed of your heart rate. If you manage to do this, you will have taken your first step towards exercising control over your "vagal brake". Learn more about this by talking to me, an experienced psychotherapist in New Jersey, or having a read of Beyond Your Confines and the accompanying workbook. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey “I never realized you were depressed; you always had a smile on your face,” or “I didn’t know they were suicidal because they always turned up for work and got the job done.” Depression is hard to spot, so that’s why a psychotherapist will work hard to get to know each individual client, so they know what depression looks like for them.
The beast of depression is a multifaceted creature. For some, it shows itself as anger and frustration whereas for others it is tears or disconnection. That can make it tricky for you to recognize it in yourself and your loved ones. I always explain to clients that you know yourself and you know your loved ones. So, in your eyes, are there significant changes? Is someone who is usually peaceful and reserved acting in an explosive and hostile way? Is someone who is usually sporty and outgoing giving up on friends and activities? I also like to point to excess as a key identifier for depression: Is someone working excessively, eating excessively, or are they excessively explosive? From a Polyvagal perspective, this is when someone is in the sympathetic fight-or-flight state. The nervous system detects cues of danger, and we respond by fighting or fleeing in an attempt to establish safety. Excess can show itself in other ways. Is someone excessively scrolling through social media, staring into space, or becoming forgetful? From a Polyvagal perspective, this is when someone is in the dorsal vagal (shutdown) state. The nervous system detects cues of danger, and we respond by shutting down or numbing out because it feels like there is no hope of escape. Faced with depression, our first goal is to recognize when we are in these states where we sense danger (sympathetic fight-or-flight state, or dorsal vagal shutdown state). Compassionate is a crucial approach to depression, so we need to be curious about what state we are in, and why this might be happening. The second goal with depression is to identify when we are in a ventral vagal state; in other words, when we feel safe and calm. These might be few and far between, but if we can identify one or two, we can build on those and try and replicate them as much as possible. For example, we might feel safe and calm when we think of a beach or see the color purple, or when we are around a particularly supportive friend or family member. The more flexible we become, recognizing that there is a state of safety and calm, not just the fight-or-flight and shutdown states, the easier we will ride the ups and downs of life. As Dr Gabor Mate once wrote, “it’s not about feeling better. It’s about getting better at feeling.” Book online today for a free telephone call with Chris Warren-Dickins, psychotherapist in New Jersey. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist & Author Counseling & Psychotherapy in Ridgewood, New Jersey We all experience stress but how much is too much? Would you recognize when you are experiencing burnout, and when you are experiencing stress?
Stress is usually temporary, and it involves frenetic energy when you constantly feel on edge. You feel frantic, overly burdened, and your racing thoughts might make it difficult to sleep or concentrate at work. For the most part, with regular periods of rest, you are quickly able to recover from stress. Burnout is more of a long-term threat to your mental health. It is a persistent state of exhaustion, leaving you feeling depleted, sometimes even numb, and full of cynicism. In some cases, you can completely detach from the environment that is contributing to your burnout. Today we are facing rapid changes in technology (for example, AI and social media) and a rapidly changing geo-political landscape at home and abroad. It is inevitable that we will feel stressed, but we do not have to experience burnout. Get in touch if you would like to share how stress and burnout is impacting your life. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey |
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