Curiosity and compassion, not control and dominance

If we are to achieve peace (within and without), we need to build connected communities and end cycles of fear and harm. To do this, we must understand and nurture our inner worlds. When we feel safe and calm inside, we become capable of creating safety and calm around us. In other words, we learn to co-regulate each other. We do this through curiosity and compassion, not control and dominance.
 
This isn’t just theory or wild aspirations; it’s biology. We need each other to feel safe and calm. Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr Stephen Porges, helps explain why these qualities matter not just emotionally but physiologically. At its heart, the theory describes how our nervous system is wired for connection or protection. When we feel threatened, our bodies may shift into fight, flight, or freeze states. But when we feel safe, our social engagement system comes online, allowing us to connect, listen, and co-regulate.
 
As a therapist, and as a husband and father, I’ve seen how essential co-regulation is in daily life. When one person remains calm and present, it can bring another back from the edge. When we speak gently, offer eye contact, and breathe steadily, we send signals of safety. These signals are contagious. They invite nervous systems to settle and hearts to open.
 
Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey