Healing Your Inner Kid to Help Your Own

In my clinical work, I frequently meet parents who were "parentified" as children. This means that, as children, my clients were those caretakers or peacemakers for their parents, or they were required to be the “strong” or “competent” or “perfect" one to balance out the family system.

Now, as parents, my clients can struggle when their children act like… well, children.

When a parent carries the trauma of having been denied a childhood, seeing their own child express "messy" emotions like anger, selfishness, or loud joy can feel threatening. It triggers a subconscious resentment:
“I wasn't allowed to act like that, so why should you?"
This is the "Ghost of the Good Child" haunting the relationship.

Healing involves reparenting yourself. If you don't address the child inside you who was never allowed to be messy, you will inadvertently stifle your child’s authenticity. True connection requires us to be okay with our children’s discomfort, which is impossible if we aren't first okay with our own. By acknowledging the grief of what you missed out on, you stop expecting your child to "pay the debt" of your lost youth by being perfectly behaved.

Tips for the Parents:

1.Celebrate Their "Messiness":

When your child is loud or difficult, try to see it as a sign of safety. They feel safe enough with you to be unpolished—something you didn't have. Tell yourself, “My child’s freedom is a sign of my success as a parent."

2.Validate Before You Correct:

Before addressing a behavior, validate the feeling. "It makes sense that you’re mad that we have to leave." This builds the emotional security you might have lacked.

3.Engage in "Low-Stakes" Play:

Trauma survivors often struggle with play. Spend 10 minutes a day following your child’s lead in a game with no rules. It helps heal your inner child while bonding with yours.

Reading an article like this is a great first step. If you would like to explore this more, please get in contact.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist in New Jersey and the United Kingdom