How to set boundaries... with love

​In a relationship you bring your own baggage.  You may feel more easily triggered, or scared, or angry, in certain situations that are beyond the control of your loved one(s).

When it comes to your emotions, there are no rights or wrongs.  You feel how you feel, but it is how you act on it, and how you communicate those emotions, that counts.  This is where boundary-setting comes in.  Boundaries help you to establish the space within which you can - 

• Feel your emotions
• Communicate those emotions
• Work out how your emotions might be causing conflict within your relationship
• Negotiate with your loved one(s) what you are going to do about that

One approach to all of this is to use DEAR skills to set boundaries with love.  DEAR skills were developed by Marsha Linehan, who created Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  Here is a quick three-minute run-down on using DEAR skills to set boundaries with love -

• Describe your perspective fully, without making assumptions about the other person’s perspective.  Simply describe what you see.
  • This is an example of using your Describe skill - You saying to your loved one(s) "I see your shaking fist and I hear your raised voice, and this seems to me an expression of anger"
  • This is not using your 'Describe' skill - Saying to your loved one(s) "You are angry and I know why"
• Express your feelings clearly and in a non-accusatory way
  • This is an example of using your Express skill - Saying to your loved one "Although I still love you, I feel scared when you raise your voice and shake your fist near me.  You can express your anger around me, but I wonder whether there is another way for you to do that and still feel heard"
  • This is not using your Express skill - "You wanted to intimidate me so you are doing everything you can to harass me"
• Assert your boundaries without apology and without dilution.
  • This is an example of using your Assert skill - "I hear that you may not see it my way, but I wanted to share how scared I felt, and this is the way I view it"
  • This is not using your Assert skill - "Perhaps I am wrong, and perhaps it is silly to get scared when you don’t mean to do that"
• Reinforce - Engage with the other person so they see the benefits of the boundaries you are trying to set, and the potential cost of continuing without these boundaries. For example, ‘I love you enough to be willing to share how I feel when you do that, and I am concerned if we continue like this, I might retreat even further from you’.  There are no threats and no value-compromising promises.
  • This is an example of using your Reinforce skill - "When I feel scared, I am unable to show you my full self, and I am unable to show you the full amount of love I have for you"
  • This is not an example of using your Reinforce skill - "If you don’t change, I will leave"

If DEAR skills are new to you, start slowly.  Try one or two parts of it the next time you need to set your boundaries with love.  If you have any questions, get in touch.

Find out more about relationship conflict.

​Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com