How to survive invalidation

Invalidating environments tend to over- or underreact to a person’s emotional needs, leading to that person’s inability to learn how to regulate themselves. In contrast, a validating environment responds with seriousness and concern for a person’s emotional needs, and the response is proportionate and appropriate.
 
Do you recognize any of the following phrases? These are considered examples of invalidation:

• “Stop crying, you have no reason to cry.”
• “You don’t feel that way, you are lying.”
• “Stop overreacting like that, you are being melodramatic.”
• “Go away if you are going to cry, I don’t want to see it.”
• “Your tears are manipulative.”
• “You are so stupid.”
• “You are a bad child.”
• “You are crazy.”
• “You shouldn’t feel like that because no one else does.”

 
As Marsha M. Linehan, psychologist and creator of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), explains in the DBT Skills Training Manual, invalidating someone’s emotions sends a message that they are unimportant and not worthy of being listened to. In other words, their emotions are not heard. What happens when you are in a crowded restaurant, and you think the person sitting opposite to you does not hear everything? You repeat yourself, only this time a little louder. This is called ‘escalation’. Escalation can take many harmful forms including anger and aggression, withdrawal, substance abuse, self-harm, and suicidal ideation.
 
This process of emotional invalidation might have taken place decades ago, in your childhood, but the effects can still be felt. In fact, you might have ended up invalidating your own emotions by trying to ignore them or distract yourself from them by overworking or turning to substances to numb yourself. You might even have started to invalidate the emotions of your children.
 
To survive these experiences and break the cycle of invalidation, you need to acknowledge your emotions without trying to deny or distort them. Emotions are there for a reason, and often they communicate useful information. Pay attention to them, so you can work out what needs to be addressed. This can be hard to do alone, so if you would like to speak to me about this, book online for a free call.
 
Chris Warren-Dickins
Trauma therapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey