Plagued by the 'Tyranny of the Shoulds'

Ever heard of the ‘tyranny of the shoulds’ ? Psychoanalyst Karen Horney coined the phrase, and it is an unhelpful thought pattern that we can all end up using if we are not careful. We have ideas about how we should (or must) live, and how others should respond to us, and how society as a whole should be. When our expectations do not match reality, and we hold on too tightly to these shoulds, we can end up alienating others because we appear like a petulant child making impossible demands. Alternatively, if we stay silent about how we think things should be, we can end up feeling like we have been taken advantage of, which can leave us feeling devalued. Either way, our depression intensifies. 

So what can we do about this?

1. Flex like a yoga instructor.  Studies show that our mental health can improve when we have social contact, so we need other people. Dopamine levels increase (our feel-good chemical), we learn more about ourselves and other people, and we gain more through cooperation. However, what we bring to these interactions may make things better or worse, depending on how tightly we hold onto these expectations. Adopt a more flexible attitude, and really assess: How essential are these 'shoulds' and 'musts', or are they more of a 'nice to have, and I will survive if they don't happen'?
   
2. The why, not just the what.  Okay, there may be some 'shoulds' and 'musts' that really need to happen. If this is the case, communicate why this is important to you. That takes confidence, so you may need to practice a bit of mindful breathing before you approach this conversation (there are plenty of mindfulness and meditation exercises here), but the more upfront you are about the reasons why these requirements are so important to you, the less you are going to come across as The Controlling One.
   
3. Have you communicated your needs clearly enough?  I can't tell you how many clients tell me about conflict with people they care about, and when we explore it a little, they realize that they have been making a whole load of assumptions about what the other person is thinking, or what they intended by certain actions or comments. Even if you think that you have communicated your needs clearly, and even if you think you know what is in the other person's mind, check it out with them.
4. Assertive communication is the bedrock of any sense of self-esteem, and any healthy interaction.  Many people fail to grasp what assertive communication really is. It is the opposite of aggressive or manipulative behavior.  Examples of assertive communication include:  In the face of opposition, offer a clear, calm repetition instead of an apology; keep statements succinct; resist the need to over-explain; practice the skill of saying no.
5. If we don’t know, how is the other person going to understand?  Before we make demands of the other person, perhaps we need to spend a little time on self-awareness.  We might not know why something is so important to us, why we cannot bear to see the dishes piled up in the sink, for instance.  It would be helpful to take a step back and really understand what is going on.  The stress or anxiety, or the pit of dread dragging down the center of our stomach, might be less about the dishes and more about our need for control.  Or perhaps we interpret the dishes left as a sign that our partner does not care about us.  Is this more about us or the other person?  Perhaps a little of both, but until we know about our own processes, we cannot really understand the other person’s, let alone agree a way forward.

I hope you find this helpful.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC 
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood (NJ), and author of Beyond the Blue
+1 (201) 779-6917
www.exploretransform.com