Surviving the bully

The bully.  They come in all shapes and sizes, and they lurk in every shadow:  You will find them at your workplace, the school playground, your closest friendship group, and even your own family.  Take a look around, and you might find one breathing down your neck as you read this, or they might discourage you from expressing certain views, or prohibit you from seeing certain friends.

Sometimes we only realize we have been bullied when it is too late; when we have already conceded more than we would have chosen to do, but for some reason, we felt compelled by some overt or covert threat:  They would withdraw their love, you would be excluded from their group, they would cross the road when they next saw you, or they might spread lies about you.

So what can we do to survive the bully? 
I am an integrative psychotherapist, and this means I use different approaches to help clients to resolve their difficulties.  I have set out a range of different approaches to this problem, and you may prefer to lean into one over the other.  There is no wrong or right way to handle this –

‘Pain’ Management (from a type of therapy called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and also from Mindfulness)
To survive the bully, we need to learn how to tolerate the discomfort they cause.  I have helped clients manage physical illnesses, and together we have tried out the suggestions set out below.  You might like to try to manage the ‘pain’ this bully causes you –

• Enter into the ‘pain’. Really tune into the thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations this bully evokes in you.  Become aware of, and accept, what is, rather than trying to ignore it, or fear the future uncertain.  Try to be specific when you describe these experiences, but at the same time recognise these thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations as simply thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations.  If you allow yourself to experience a distance from these, you may be able to see that they are often temporary.  They are not the whole of you.
• If entering the ‘pain’ seems overwhelming, anchor yourself in the moment by focusing on your breath. Allow thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations to come and go, but keep returning your attention to each breath.  Ask yourself ‘How uncomfortable is it right now?’ rather than fearing the future uncertain.
• Manage your expectations. It is probably unrealistic to expect to never suffer any ‘pain’ from this bully, and so you will set yourself up for disappointment.
• Caricaturise the bully. In the privacy of your own home, draw him with distorted features and give him a comedic name.  This can offer you distance from his aggression. 
• You can try all sorts of affirming statements including: Today I am choosing to go to work, or to that social gathering, or to that school (wherever the bully is likely to be).  I have strength to withstand this situation.  Avoidance will only intensify any anxiety related to the bully. 
• Give yourself space when you need it. You don’t want to avoid the bully altogether, but you can give yourself time out from them.  Even if it is on a temporary basis.
• Give yourself a few minutes each day to stop and become aware of your breathing, letting thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations come and go without resistance or challenge

Assertiveness (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)
Whether it is the person who is perceived to be the ‘bully’, or the person perceived to be the ‘victim’, either party may feel that the situation has arisen because either party has an issue with assertiveness.  No one is assertive all the time, so to assess how assertive you are in a situation, ask yourself:  ‘How much do I act on other people’s wishes at the cost of my own?’  If you are frequently doing this, and it is causing you difficulties in your life, you may need to consider working on your assertiveness.

Assertiveness includes the ability to ask for something but also the ability to say no.  Consider the following points when you think about times you have asked the bully for something, or when you have had to say no to him –

• Watch for inappropriate smiles or apologies
• Keep it brief, speak clearly and confidently
• If you are unsure, if you feel unable to answer immediately, ask for more information. If you are still unsure, state clearly that you will need to think about this and you will come back to him with an answer at a later date
• If you have given your view and the bully keeps asking the same question, trying to force you to change your mind, consider yourself like a strong old tree swaying in the wind:  Simply repeat your point without changing it.  You can empathise with the bully’s position without having to alter your own position in any way:  For example, ‘I understand you are under pressure to have an answer today but, based on the information I have at the moment, I will not be able to offer you an answer today.  I will, however, come back to you first thing tomorrow with an answer’. 
• Don’t use the phrase ‘I cannot’ when you mean ‘I will not’
• Avoid blaming others

Karpman’s drama triangle (from a type of therapy called Transactional Analysis)
A concept from Transactional Analysis is Karpman’s drama triangle:  In social situations we can sometimes adopt one of the following roles:  Persecutor, Victim or Rescuer.  If one person is leaning in one direction (for example, they are becoming a Victim), that can often make others appear as if they are adopting one of the other roles (they are becoming the Persecutor or the Rescuer).  As a result, people perceive each other in terms of these contrasting roles, without recognising that we have elements of each in all of us.

By adopting one of these roles, there is often a payoff.  If we become the Victim, for example, we might be protected by a Rescuer in our life.  We do not have to go to the effort of rescuing ourselves.  If we adopt the role of Persecutor, we do not have to accept the pain of recognising that we all have vulnerabilities.  Our tendency to adopt one of these roles can often be subconscious, so it is hard to challenge this alone, but the more we recognise that these roles exist, the more likely we are to challenge this, and avoid viewing a situation in such a simplistic way as consisting of a Persecutor (or ‘bully’), a Victim and a Rescuer.

To view the ‘bully’ as a whole person, rather than simply the Persecutor – 

• See the bully as someone who is probably acting in fear.  Aggression, whether it is overt or passive, is born of fear, so if we just see the aggressive behaviour, we have missed a trick.
• A bully often feels inferior, and so their behaviour is a way of managing that perceived inferiority.
• When you interact with the bully, make eye contact and remain civil, even if the bully has descended into childishness

Find out more today.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), Northern New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com