The polarizing myth of ‘winners’ and ‘losers’

Often clients come to my psychotherapy practice because of imbalance. They feel too much or too little, they throw themselves into something or neglect it altogether, and one of the most damaging forms of imbalance is their tendency to polarize their world into ‘winners’ or ‘losers.’
 
When things are going right, they are a ‘winner’, and when there are challenges, they become a ‘loser.’ This is the lens through which many people judge themselves as much as other people, and there is an implication that if you are a ‘winner, it is because of your hard work or naturally winning qualities. And if you are ‘losing’, then the myth implies that this is because you haven’t worked hard enough, or you are intrinsically defective. You can see how these myths can quickly lead to anxiety, depression, and many other mental health challenges. It is a polarizing myth as much as it is an over-simplification. Here are a few reasons why:
 
1. There is a whole range of ways to define and evaluate what constitutes a ‘winner’ and a ‘loser’. For example, is your physical health more or less important than material wealth? And how do you calculate that wealth? The cash in your bank account, the stocks you own, or the number of homes you own? Or is it the size, location, or how well maintained the home is? Are you ‘winning’ or ‘losing’ depending upon how many children you have, and what about the number of friends or family numbers. As you can see, it is all so arbitrary to make broad sweeping statements because each person will have their own ideas. It also depends when you ask someone, and for what period of time. The answers may differ depending if you asked them now or last year, for example, and it might differ if you ask them to answer for just this month or this year, or for the last five years, or ten years, or longer.
 
2. Partly because it is so hard to determine what a ‘winner’ or ‘loser’ really is, we can see that this world is filled with a broad spectrum of varying fortunes, strengths, challenges, and abilities. There is no such thing as a ‘winner’ and a ‘loser’ but a whole range of people feeling and believing different things about themselves and others throughout their lives.
 
3. The polarizing myth of ‘winners’ and ‘losers’ fails to account for structural inequality. Many systems, including education, employment, healthcare, including mental health care, and many public policies, are tilted in favor of certain groups (mainly the power elite).
 
4. The power elite control media outlets and politicians, and as  Richard C. Schwartz explained in Internal Family Systems Therapy, they “proselytize that those who don't succeed have only themselves, or some other group that seems to be competing for resources, to blame.” We only need to flick through the news updates and latest executive orders to see how immigrants and the trans community are the latest scapegoats. All the while, we are being distracted from the harmful practices of billionaires who wish to exploit labor in exchange for fewer rights, deteriorating working and living conditions, and global contamination.
 
5. From a young age we are conditioned to view the poor and vulnerable with contempt. Either we believe they are in some way to blame for their circumstances, or we believe that this could never be us in that position, and to do this, we often view them as an ‘other’ who is inherently defective and putting and keeping them in this poor or vulnerable state. Again, we only need to look to the abusive billionaires to understand why the poor and vulnerable remain poor and vulnerable, and why the gap between the rich and the poor has never been wider.
 
6. The polarizing myth of ‘winners’ and ‘losers’ can also distort reality, making us push beyond our natural limits. With the advent of working from home, smartphones, and now AI, there has never been a higher risk of burnout. I work with many people who are struggling with an abusive boss who fails to respect boundaries and relentlessly hounds their employee for more and more output. We also see this relentless dominance when it comes to profit-hungry companies that willfully pollute the environment no matter the disastrous and long-term consequences. The implication is that if you don’t relentlessly pursue more and more, if you don’t continuously try to become a ‘winner’ no matter the cost, then you are a ‘loser’. Ironically, when I work with people in this position, they quickly realize that balance ensures longer-term, more sustainable achievement, which often helps them along their way to fulfilling their goals.
 
7.Linked to the previous point, the polarizing myth of ‘winners’ and ‘losers’ glosses over the fallacy of the belief that growth is always a good or healthy thing. As Schwartz explains, “the problem that growth can also be harmful or pathological, like the growth of cancer, is rarely addressed. Nor is the dilemma that's unlimited material growth on a finite planet can only lead to disaster.” However you define ‘winning’, there is always going to be a cost. Hence why balance is essential for your mental health. As Schwartz explains, “the process of ‘winning’ in America today goes a long way toward destroying families inside and out.” I have worked with many executives who have struggled with this cost for ‘success’; and it isn’t just an individual struggle. The United States as a whole rewards material wealth over peace and contentment within a family or friendship structure. This goes back to my first point: There is no such thing as an objective definition of a ‘winner’ or ‘loser’. Each individual needs to make their own choice about where they invest their time and energy, and each choice will carry a consequence.
 
We polarize our thinking because it offers us certainty, and our brains are hardwired to abhor uncertainty. However, that need for certainty might just cause us more problems, not least when we believe the polarizing myth of ‘winners’ and ‘losers.’ It carries the risk of anxiety, pushing us past our natural limits so we run the risk of burnout, and there is also a danger that we will slump into a depression when we (inevitably) fail to meet these unrealistic expectations.
 
When it comes to mental health, this polarization misses the point entirely. Instead of asking whether you (or anyone else) are a ‘winner’ or ‘loser’, ask yourself whether you have balance in all parts of your life. This is not a one and done question, you will need to continuously assess this for the rest of your life. But it might help guide you a little more clearly than the desire to become that mythical beast ‘the winner’.
 
I hope you have found this useful. I would love to hear your thoughts, so please add a comment below, or get in contact with me.

Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist at Explore Transform