Trust in a relationship - A simple exercise

Trust is an integral part of any relationship.  If we communicate in a way that undermines this trust, we have little hope of maintaining a relationship, whether that is a personal relationship or a working relationship with a fellow team member. 
 
I have worked with couples and groups who refuse to communicate in an open way.  Whether it is through fear or a lack of awareness, they continuously provoke mistrust in the other party to that relationship, expecting trust to simply materialise without any work on their behalf.  The Johari Window is a useful tool to help with the hard work that is needed to establish trust.  It helps us to develop self-awareness and encourage open communication and feedback, and it has been used with individuals, couples and groups. 
 
In short, the Johari Window comprises the following elements –

• Human interaction is based on four aspects of knowledge –
  • 1.  Knowledge which is known by yourself and by others (your open area)
  • 2.  Knowledge which is known by others but not by you (your blind area)
  • 3.  Knowledge which is unknown by others but is known by you (your hidden area)
  • 4.  The final area is knowledge which is unknown by others and unknown by you (your unknown area). 
• The assumptions which form the basis of the Johari Window are that –
  • If you disclose information about yourself, this will develop trust, and
  • You can develop greater self-awareness with feedback from others.

 
As a result, the aim of any work on a relationship, any work to improve one’s communication skills, and any work on team building, should include an attempt to increase the amount of knowledge within the open area (to the extent that you feel comfortable with this level of disclosure). 
 
There are numerous exercises to develop trust in a relationship, and I have set out below just one.  I have used the example of a couple, but this could equally apply to a group of people, including a team in a working environment.  What is important is that you approach this with an open heart and mind, remembering that humour can help grease many a cog!
 
Exercise – How you see me, how you don’t
 
Set aside a quiet time when you will not be disturbed.  It does not have to be a very long period of time (perhaps 30 minutes at the maximum), but during that time you agree that no one takes calls or checks emails.
 
Agree with each other the following –

• What is discussed is an attempt to build trust, not destroy it.  Therefore anything that is said must be constructive
• Comments are to remain confidential (with the usual exception if you are concerned about an immediate risk to someone’s welfare)
• When one person is speaking, the other must remain quiet and listen
• Try to reserve judgment about what is said.  Sometimes ideas take a while to form, and so what may be said initially may not be the whole of what is intended.  Think about when you write something:  The first draft often needs to be amended.  The same can apply to what is spoken
• If you truly feel uncomfortable, you can end the exercise at any time

 
Divide up the allocated time (for example, 30 minutes) as follows –
 
1.  10 minutes - One member of the couple (Person A) offers answers to the following questions about the other member of the couple (Person B) –

• How do you perceive this person?  Are they warm or cool?
• Are they immediate or slow in contact?
• Are they anxious or relaxed?
• Are they engaged or distant?
• Are they congruent or incongruent?
• Are they strong or vulnerable?
• Are they fearful or open?
• Are they intrusive or distant?

 
2.  10 minutes – The other member of the couple (Person B) offers answers to the same questions about the other member of the couple (Person A) –

• How do you perceive this person?  Are they warm or cool?
• Are they immediate or slow in contact?
• Are they anxious or relaxed?
• Are they engaged or distant?
• Are they congruent or incongruent?
• Are they strong or vulnerable?
• Are they fearful or open?
• Are they intrusive or distant?

 
​3.  10 minutes - Spend this remaining time discussing the answers each person gave to the other.  During this discussion you may wish to – 

• Ask for more information
• Ask for specific examples
• Thank the other person for having the courage to offer these answers

 
Try not to act in a defensive manner, and try not to apologise.  One person’s perception of you is as valid as your perception of the other person.  And you may also have had valid reasons for acting in a certain way.  But that is not the point.  The point is to listen with an open heart and mind, because this will offer you the opportunity to learn about how you are perceived by others. 
 
In closing, remember the assumptions underpinning the Johari Window –

• If you disclose information about yourself, this will develop trust, and
• You can develop greater self-awareness with feedback from others.

Chris Warren-Dickins is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood, New Jersey.  He specializes in psychotherapy for couples, adolescents, men, and the LGBTQ+ community. 
Sessions are available in-person at 162 E Ridgewood Ave, Ridgewood NJ 07451, or via the internet or telephone. Book a consultation today www.exploretransform.com
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