Understanding intergenerational trauma

As a therapist practicing in New Jersey and the United Kingdom, I often sit with parents who are baffled by their own reactions. They love their children deeply, yet they find themselves triggered by a toddler’s tantrum or an adolescent’s door-slam in ways that feel disproportionate. What I often see is the "echo" of the parents’ own upbringing.

Intergenerational trauma is the transmission of the emotional and psychological effects of trauma from one generation to the next. If you grew up in a household defined by hyper-vigilance, neglect, or emotional volatility, your nervous system was essentially "wired" for survival rather than connection. When you become a parent, the intimacy and dependency of a child can inadvertently poke at those old wounds.

For many, this manifests as perfectionism or over-control. If your childhood was chaotic, you might try to "fix" your child’s every discomfort to prove you are a "better" parent than yours were. Alternatively, it can manifest as emotional detachment; if your parents were unavailable, you might find it physically draining to meet your child’s emotional demands. Recognizing that your reactions are often about your past, not your child’s present, is the first step toward breaking the cycle.

Tips for Parents:

1.Identify Your "Body Map" of Triggers:

Notice where you feel tension when your child misbehaves (e.g., a tight chest or clenched jaw). Recognizing the physical sensation early can help you pause before reacting from a place of past trauma.

2.Practice the "Pause":

When triggered, give yourself permission to step away for 60 seconds. Tell your child, "I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a minute to breathe so I can be a better listener." This models emotional regulation.

3.Narrate the Difference:

Remind yourself internally: “This is 2026, not 1995. I am safe, and my child is expressing a need, not attacking me." This helps ground your prefrontal cortex.

Reading an article like this is a great first step. If you would like to explore this more, please get in contact.

I look forward to hearing from you.
 
Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist in New Jersey and the United Kingdom