Why must we "choose to be nice"?

It used to be that feelings were not given any kind of credence. When we were kids, our parents might not have understood about the nervous system, and how certain behaviors can be signs of someone feeling unsafe rather than ‘problematic.’
 
We have come a long way since our childhood, and it is great that we encourage parents to connect with their children, trying curiosity and compassion instead of judgment and punishment.

We also try to encourage this approach in our adult relationships, with our friends and family members. And we also promote this approach with our internal relationship: What part of us feels unsafe, and what are the unmet needs of that part of us?
 
All of this is great. However, there is a danger that we end up over-correcting our approach. We don’t want to lean so far into curiosity and compassion that we become a nation of fawners. In the workplace, and our schools, I hear people encouraging others to “be nice” without any attempt to balance this with assertiveness. I wonder if we are overreacting to the ‘bad old days,’ when feelings were disrespected, and assuming that a lurch to the other extreme will somehow correct this. It won’t.
 
What we need is a balance of other people’s feelings and needs, balanced with our own feelings and needs. This isn’t easy, and the attempt to achieve this equilibrium is a life-long battle, but it is worth it when everyone feels heard.
 
To illustrate this with my clients, I often hold two hands up and show that “both can be true”. For example, on the one hand, you can view things a certain way, and feel a certain way, and have certain needs. At the same time, on the other hand, you can acknowledge that the other person can view things a different way, and feel a different way, and have different needs.
 
To help accept this reality, we need to distinguish between being “nice” and being “kind”. Being nice is unsustainable, and often compounds mental distress. Being kind, striking a balance between our own feelings and needs, and the feelings and needs of others, seems the only way to achieve peace internally, and within the world we live in:
 
Being nice often involves agreeing with someone to keep the peace.

Being kind might look more like this: Respecting that you can each hold different views.
 
Being nice often involves saying yes, even when you don’t want to.

Being kind might look more like this: Being clear on what you can and cannot offer.
 
Being nice often involves going along with the consensus of a group.

Being kind might look more like this: Honoring your boundaries about what reflects your own values, whilst acknowledging that others may not share those values.
 
Being nice often involves staying silent on things that might create disagreement.

Being kind might look more like this: Communicating our feelings and needs in a way that shows there is a balance between our own and the feelings and needs of others.
 
I hope you found this useful. You can read more about powerlessness here.
Please do reach out if you need to discuss this further.

Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey