Why must we "choose to be nice"?

It's nice to be nice...Or is it?

We all have to get along. We rub shoulders with each other everyday, and we need to cooperate on projects, co-parenting, co-working, etc. That's a given. But does this require a "nice" attitude or something else?

Being "nice" involves passivity. We sacrifice our own needs and feelings, and we disregard our own boundaries for the sake of others. We keep silent about how we view things because we don't want to 'rock the boat.' As a result, we leave ourselves open to manipulation by the opportunists and the bullies.

A more sustainable approach is to try something different. Being "kind" involves assertiveness. We are clear when we communicate our feelings and needs. We are not ashamed or afraid of maintaining our boundaries. 

This is not an all-or-nothing situation, and there are no winners or losers. This is about continuously striking a balance between your own needs, feelings, and boundaries, and the needs, feelings and boundaries of others. To illustrate this with my clients, I often hold two hands up and show that “both can be true”. For example, on the one hand, you can view things a certain way, and feel a certain way, and have certain needs. At the same time, on the other hand, you can acknowledge that the other person can view things a different way, and feel a different way, and have different needs.

If you have experienced trauma, you probably know about the various trauma responses: Fight, flight, freeze. These sound pretty familiar. But there is also a trauma response called "fawning." This is where your nervous system senses danger, and you get stuck in an overly compliant mode of appeasement. Fawning is more akin to being "nice" (where you are probably reacting, without free will, as a result of feeling unsafe) than being "kind" (which is more likely to involve free will; you are choosing how to respond in a balanced way, considering your own needs and the needs of others).
 
Some of my clients like checklists, so if you are one of those types of people, here are eight points for your checklist:

1. Being nice often involves agreeing with someone to keep the peace.
2. Being kind might look more like this: Respecting that you can each hold different views.
3. Being nice often involves saying yes, even when you don’t want to.
4. Being kind might look more like this: Being clear on what you can and cannot offer.
5. Being nice often involves going along with the consensus of a group.
6. Being kind might look more like this: Honoring your boundaries about what reflects your own values, whilst acknowledging that others may not share those values.
7. Being nice often involves staying silent on things that might create disagreement.
8. Being kind might look more like this: Communicating our feelings and needs in a way that shows there is a balance between our own and the feelings and needs of others.

 
I hope you found this useful. You can read more about powerlessness here.
Please do reach out if you need to discuss this further.

Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey