Why We Rage Hardest at the Narcissist’s Enablers

In the lexicon of narcissistic abuse, "flying monkeys" refers to the enablers, proxies, and sycophants who carry out a bully’s dirty work or defend their toxic behavior. While the primary narcissist drives the malice, survivors frequently report a baffling psychological phenomenon: they feel a deeper, more corrosive rage toward the flying monkeys than toward the abuser themselves. From a clinical perspective, this is not a malfunction of grief; it is a manifestation of proximal betrayal.

This dynamic closely mirrors a classic trauma response seen in survivors of childhood abuse. In dysfunctional family systems, a child often experiences greater, more conscious anger toward the non-abusive, passive parent than the overtly abusive one. Why? Because of betrayal trauma theory. The child expects malice from the abuser—it is integrated into their survival baseline. But the non-abusive parent represents a shattered expectation of safety. You expected them to have a conscience. You expected them to protect you. When they remain silent or, worse, active enablers, the psychological contract of shared humanity is broken.
 
With flying monkeys, the anger is amplified because they validate the abuser's reality, inducing severe relational gaslighting. The primary narcissist is often viewed as a force of nature—pathological, rigid, and devoid of empathy. Emotionally, we expect a shark to bite. But the flying monkeys are presumably capable of empathy, yet they choose willful blindness or active collusion to protect their own social standing.
 
To process this rage, you must understand that flying monkeys are operating under a system of defensive identification and fear. They see the narcissist’s wrath and subconsciously realize that the only way to avoid becoming the target is to become an instrument of the narcissist. Recognizing this doesn't excuse their cowardice, but it shifts your perspective. Your rage is a healthy protest against their moral failure. By understanding that their loyalty is born of fear and psychological enmeshment, you can begin to withdraw your expectations of them, stepping out of their distorted theater entirely.
 
I wonder if any of this resonated with you. If you would like to explore this more, get in contact with me. I would love to discuss how we can work together.
 
Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist in New Jersey and the United Kingdom