You are not the shame you carry

According to some neuroscientists, we attach meaning to memories, and that meaning is colored by our emotions. At the time of the trauma, we might not believe that we are at fault or powerless, and if we are a small child, we might not even have the ability to hold such beliefs. But over time, as we look back, we can start to interpret the trauma that way. As a result, we anticipate the future with a sense of futility or powerlessness.

We can see the effects of trauma in how we behave, in our mood, in our sleep patterns, and physical health but getting help can be difficult when guilt and shame are such an integral part of trauma. From an evolutionary perspective, if a bad thing happens to us, it helps to remember that bad thing, so we avoid it in the future. If a saber tooth tiger attacks you, it serves you well to remember to avoid saber tooth tigers. The limbic system in our brain has various functions including affect, and affect helps to initiate behavior to help with survival. Shame is an aroused affect and so it is a strong deterrent, so it can keep us vigilant and act more defensively. This all makes sense when we were fleeing saber tooth tigers, and when our lifespan was much shorter. But in this modern world, we are living much longer, and witnessing so much more, so this constant influx of trauma has a negative impact on the brain over a longer lifespan.

That the trauma inside us that leads to guilt and shame is reinforced by three processes -
1. It serves as a punishment because we believe we deserved it; this is a negative way that the brain makes us try to do better.
2. It serves as a distraction from deeper or more painful emotions.
3. If we think of something awful that might happen, that tricks us into believing that we can somehow control the future. For example, I know I will fail.

To heal from trauma and break from this shame and guilt, we need to find ways to experience ourselves differently, and this requires a safe place with an experienced trauma therapist.

If you would like to talk to me about any of this, you can contact me via this page.

Chris Warren-Dickins
Trauma therapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey