Coming out? Seven supportive messages

Coming out is more common than you think.  People often assume that it is a one-time process, or reserved for the teenage years.  In reality, it is a perpetual process, and it is experienced by people of all ages.  I come out on a regular basis.  People make assumptions about my sexuality and gender identity, often because of my wedding ring and the fact that I am a father of two children.  So when they start to refer to a wife that does not exist, I have to clarify things.

As it is such a common process, here are a few tips to help if your loved one comes out –

• A person’s sexuality and gender identity is a personal matter.  If they choose to disclose information, show a willingness to engage in conversation.  Do not ask intrusive questions but instead follow their lead. 

• Know that sexuality and gender identity exist on a spectrum.  Distinct labels are less important than a person’s experience of their identity. To understand a person’s sexuality or gender identity is to understand it from their own words and the meanings they attach to experiences.  Although labels are a societal convenience they should not be used to deny a person’s individual experiences.

• Understand the trauma of discrimination.  On a day to day basis, we may experience discrimination on many different levels.  For example, we may experience
  • External discrimination in the form of harassment, hate crimes, termination from employment, verbal or physical assault.  According to the Human Rights Watch, 86% of transgender participants had experienced sexual or physical assault, career-related discrimination, school bullying and harassment, homelessness, relationship losses, and denial of medical services. 
  • This is the account of one parent of an LGBTQ youth who had been interviewed by the Human Rights Watch:  ‘My son was dragged down the lockers, called ‘gay’ and ‘fag’ and ‘queer,’ shoved into a locker, and picked up by his neck. And that was going on since sixth grade. They tried shoving him into a girl’s bathroom and said that he’s worthless and should be a girl.
  • Internal discrimination – in the form of internalized homophobia and/or transphobia (the adoption of negative societal attitudes as your own).

There is evidence that living with this discrimination can lead to symptoms similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

• Coming out sometimes involving grieving.  There are ignorant people in this world, and to come out sometimes means that you lose people you thought were friends or family.  You can even lose your livelihood or your home.  According to the Ali Forney Center, LGBTQ youth comprises 40% of the homeless youth population in New York.  This is why organizations such as the Ali Forney Center do such amazing work.  And even if someone has not been kicked out of their home, they may still have to suffer the loss of a friend or family member.  Room should be given to allow this person to grieve the loss of this person.

• To assume is to make an Ass out of U and ME.  Ever heard that phrase?  Well, the more you make assumptions about someone, the greater risk you run of making an ass of yourself.  If in doubt, ask.

• Sexuality and gender identity are two distinct concepts.  Sexuality is about who someone is attracted to, and gender identity is about who the person is.  The two are not necessarily linked, so a person can be genderqueer but straight, or they can be cisgender but queer in terms of their sexuality. 

• Understand the harmful myths of heteronormativity and cisnormativity.  One common experience of people who come out is that they are met with ignorance about the ‘default’ or the ‘norm’ or the ‘desired’ way to live.  Due to a lack of education or experience, some people operate under the myth that heterosexuality and/or being cis-gender (identifying with the label of ‘male’ or ‘female’ that they were given at birth) is somehow the ‘norm’.  And it can take its toll.  I will say again:  To assume is to make an ASS out of U and ME.

 
If you need to talk about coming out, sexuality or gender identity, get in contact today.  You can book online, and an initial telephone call is free.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
www.exploretransform.com
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