10 tips to nourish a starving relationship

Caught up in a second wave, with conflicting working from home schedules and home-schooling, there is a danger that intimate relationships can become starved of nourishment. We end up simply existing.

Here are ten tips to nourish a relationship that might be starving for affection, compassion, or a simple safe space to be heard.  Your schedule is already overloaded, so these are not intended to be time-consuming.  You also do not need to radically alter your life, becoming a completely different person for each other.  Think of these as food for thought, and if these seem overwhelming, just take one at a time.

1. Eye them up - Remember the intense intimacy of eye contact.  Cell phones get so much more attention than our loved ones, so try glancing up to catch that twinkling eye that once held your attention for so long.
2. Numero Uno - Third parties (friends, family members, and neighbors) can offer a temporary distraction or additional insight, but your primary go-to person should be your significant other (or others if you are in a polyamorous relationship).
3. Don’t Make Your Insider(s) an Outsider - You may have friends or relatives who have seen you through the ups and downs, who know a whole repertoire of inside jokes to share with you, but that does not mean that your significant other(s) should feel like an outsider.
4. Professor of Our Intimate Other(s) - Over your years together you need to work hard to learn what keeps your intimate other feeling safe and secure.  This inevitably changes over time, with new challenges such as a new career, new stages in parenting, and a flipping pandemic to keep you on your toes.  But to show that we are willing to learn about each other is a fantastic first step in love and trust.
5. Learn the Rules of Fight Club - In our intimate relationship we will fight, and that is okay, provided we follow mutually agreed-upon rules of fighting.  Such rules are likely to include physical or verbal abuse (and what exactly that means), but it might also include certain no-go areas that are either too sacred or too painful.
6. Learn the Rules of Fun Club - Just as much as we need to fight well, we need to remember how to have fun.  With our careers and kids, families, and friends, it is so easy to forget the fun we can have in our intimate relationships.  Even if we have to schedule a time for pure old fashioned frolicking, do it!
7. Pace Yourself - The frantic pace of life can take us away from our intimate other(s).  Now and again it would help to slow down the pace and just notice each other.  This can be as simple as touching each other’s hands and noticing the warmth.  There are various mindfulness exercises that can help with this, and the key point is to just notice (in a non-judgmental fashion) whatever comes up, not to try and change anything.
8. Top and Tail the Day - No matter how busy things can get, try and establish some sort of ritual to start and end the day together.  Even if it is to turn the lights off together before you go to bed, or share some cereal in the morning.  Life is short, and you will look back on those simple moments with fondness.
9. A Wealth of Health - It is easy to focus on finances, particularly in this economy, but taking care of each other’s health is equally important (not least because you cannot continue to work and earn without your health).  Checking in on each other to make sure they are keeping up with regular health checkups, including eating healthily and exercising, can be another opportunity to connect with each other.
10. A Safe Space - I saved this one for last, and I view it as the most important one.  True intimacy can only be achieved when we know that we are safe.  It is physically impossible for our brain to truly enjoy intimacy and sensuality when we are in a fight or flight mode.  As a result, we need to create an environment in our relationship that fosters calm and safety.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey

www.exploretransform.com