Setting boundaries

At Explore Transform LLC, we focus on anxiety, depression and trauma. These can have a significant impact on our relationships, so it is important to set aside time to continually monitor the health of our relationships, and the skills we apply to them. One such skill is boundary-setting.

​In a relationship you bring your own baggage.  You may feel more easily triggered, or scared, or angry, in certain situations that are beyond the control of your loved one(s). When it comes to your emotions, there are no rights or wrongs.  You feel how you feel, but it is how you act on it, and how you communicate those emotions, that counts.  This is where boundary-setting comes in.  Boundaries help you to establish the space within which you can - 

• Feel your emotions
• Communicate those emotions
• Work out how your emotions might be causing conflict within your relationship
• Negotiate with your loved one(s) what you are going to do about that

One approach to all of this is to use DEAR skills to set boundaries with love.  DEAR skills were developed by Marsha Linehan, who created Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  Here is a quick three-minute run-down on using DEAR skills to set boundaries with love -

• Describe your perspective fully, without making assumptions about the other person’s perspective.  Simply describe what you see.
  • This is an example of using your Describe skill - You saying to your loved one(s) "I see your shaking fist and I hear your raised voice, and this seems to me an expression of anger"
  • This is not using your 'Describe' skill - Saying to your loved one(s) "You are angry and I know why"
• Express your feelings clearly and in a non-accusatory way
  • This is an example of using your Express skill - Saying to your loved one "Although I still love you, I feel scared when you raise your voice and shake your fist near me.  You can express your anger around me, but I wonder whether there is another way for you to do that and still feel heard"
  • This is not using your Express skill - "You wanted to intimidate me so you are doing everything you can to harass me"
• Assert your boundaries without apology and without dilution.
  • This is an example of using your Assert skill - "I hear that you may not see it my way, but I wanted to share how scared I felt, and this is the way I view it"
  • This is not using your Assert skill - "Perhaps I am wrong, and perhaps it is silly to get scared when you don’t mean to do that"
• Reinforce - Engage with the other person so they see the benefits of the boundaries you are trying to set, and the potential cost of continuing without these boundaries. For example, ‘I love you enough to be willing to share how I feel when you do that, and I am concerned if we continue like this, I might retreat even further from you’.  There are no threats and no value-compromising promises.
  • This is an example of using your Reinforce skill - "When I feel scared, I am unable to show you my full self, and I am unable to show you the full amount of love I have for you"
  • This is not an example of using your Reinforce skill - "If you don’t change, I will leave"

If DEAR skills are new to you, start slowly.  Try one or two parts of it the next time you need to set your boundaries with love.  

But that's not all...

When you try to set boundaries, the relationship can be strained for a while. If this is the case, consider the following ten tips to nourish your relationship -

1. Eye them up - Remember the intense intimacy of eye contact.  Cell phones get so much more attention than our loved ones, so try glancing up to catch that twinkling eye that once held your attention for so long.
2. Numero Uno - Third parties (friends, family members, and neighbors) can offer a temporary distraction or additional insight, but your primary go-to person should be your significant other (or others if you are in a polyamorous relationship).
3. Don’t Make Your Insider(s) an Outsider - You may have friends or relatives who have seen you through the ups and downs, who know a whole repertoire of inside jokes to share with you, but that does not mean that your significant other(s) should feel like an outsider.
4. Professor of Our Intimate Other(s) - Over your years together you need to work hard to learn what keeps your intimate other feeling safe and secure.  This inevitably changes over time, with new challenges such as a new career, new stages in parenting, and a flipping pandemic to keep you on your toes.  But to show that we are willing to learn about each other is a fantastic first step in love and trust.
5. Learn the Rules of Fight Club - In our intimate relationship we will fight, and that is okay, provided we follow mutually agreed-upon rules of fighting.  Such rules are likely to include physical or verbal abuse (and what exactly that means), but it might also include certain no-go areas that are either too sacred or too painful.
6. Learn the Rules of Fun Club - Just as much as we need to fight well, we need to remember how to have fun.  With our careers and kids, families, and friends, it is so easy to forget the fun we can have in our intimate relationships.  Even if we have to schedule a time for pure old fashioned frolicking, do it!
7. Pace Yourself - The frantic pace of life can take us away from our intimate other(s).  Now and again it would help to slow down the pace and just notice each other.  This can be as simple as touching each other’s hands and noticing the warmth.  There are various mindfulness exercises that can help with this, and the key point is to just notice (in a non-judgmental fashion) whatever comes up, not to try and change anything.
8. Top and Tail the Day - No matter how busy things can get, try and establish some sort of ritual to start and end the day together.  Even if it is to turn the lights off together before you go to bed, or share some cereal in the morning.  Life is short, and you will look back on those simple moments with fondness.
9. A Wealth of Health - It is easy to focus on finances, particularly in this economy, but taking care of each other’s health is equally important (not least because you cannot continue to work and earn without your health).  Checking in on each other to make sure they are keeping up with regular health checkups, including eating healthily and exercising, can be another opportunity to connect with each other.
10. A Safe Space - I saved this one for last, and I view it as the most important one.  True intimacy can only be achieved when we know that we are safe.  It is physically impossible for our brain to truly enjoy intimacy and sensuality when we are in a fight or flight mode.  As a result, we need to create an environment in our relationship that fosters calm and safety.

I hope you find all of this helpful. If you have any questions, get in touch.

​Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Explore Transform LLC
Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com
+1 (201) 779-6917