As COVID restrictions are lifted, there is so much more choice available; restaurants are reopening, and people who are vaccinated are more willing to meet up in-person.  What might seem exciting could also lead to conflict.  With so much living to catch up on, how do we make a choice between these competing demands.

This is where your values can come in handy.  Use these to prioritize your time, and say no without apology.  Your values are helpful markings on the roadmap of your life, guiding you at every turn. 
 
Values evolve with age, so give yourself some time to identify your values for each area of your life.  This might vary a little according to the context, but it shouldn’t vary dramatically.  We all have a rough idea about how we want each part of our lives to look like. 

I have set out below a grid for you to use to help identify your values.  For each area of your life (home life, wider family, friends, working life, etc) identify the following three things -
 
The vision - This is a generic statement about how you would like each area of our life to look like.  For example, you know that you want to be the type of parent who spends at least some time with your kids.  You want to be present in their lives, and you want them to know you are there if they really need you.  That is the vision. 
 
A vision realised – Then for each vision, identify tangible examples of how that vision might be realised.  This is the maximum that you need to do to really reflect this vision.  For example, being present in your daughter’s life might mean, at a maximum, checking in with her once a day, or watching 80% of her sporting events.  It is important to be clear on when this vision would be realised, because we can sometimes overdo things.  For example, we probably don’t need to be at every single one of her sporting events, or we don’t need to check in with her five times a day!  Having the comfort that we have done enough frees us up for other parts of our life, without the guilt.
 
The boundaries – Finally, for each vision, identify tangible examples of how that vision might be breached.  For example, if we attend less than one sporting event a month, this might mean we need to focus more time and energy on this vision.
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Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), Northern New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com  

When the fighting escalates, and you forget why you ever got together in the first place, relationship conflict can lead you to think that you would be better off alone.  In some situations this may be true; if there is violence or emotional abuse, for example.  But in most relationships we don't need to be alone forever, we just need to remember the benefits of connection with other people.

Here is another look at my article on the benefits of relationships and connection.  And if you are still struggling with relationship conflict, get in contact today.
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Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com      

No matter the gender identity, we all need to understand how we can survive the Male Label.  It is well established that the Male Label is associated with an increased risk of the harm, but how much are we trying to understand how we can reduce this harm?

Here are just a few examples of the harm associated with the Male Label - 

• Trauma (61% report exposure to at least one traumatic event)
• Violence (4 times higher rates of violent death)
• Suicide (4 times higher)
• Incarceration (93% of the prison population)

But these statistics are not inevitable; things can change. Whether you are one of the Male Labelled, or you are concerned about colleagues, employees, friends or family who have been given the Male Label, we all need to understand the Four Tips to Survive the Male Label.

Find out more today

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), Northern New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com  

Shame can walk into a therapy session in the form of any of the following issues -

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Relationship conflict
• Excessive working
• Under or over-eating
• Avoidance of social gatherings

These are just a handful of examples; there are many more.

In a previous article I mentioned the phrase ‘shame tattoo’, and that is still such a great phrase to use:  Shame permeates beneath the skin, and it acts as a constant reminder of the pain we once experienced.  Sometimes we can still feel that pain fizzing through the muscle and veins deep within.

Here is another look at my article on shame.  If hope you find it useful.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), Northern New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com   

The bully.  They come in all shapes and sizes, and they lurk in every shadow:  You will find them at your workplace, the school playground, your closest friendship group, and even your own family.  Take a look around, and you might find one breathing down your neck as you read this, or they might discourage you from expressing certain views, or prohibit you from seeing certain friends.

Sometimes we only realize we have been bullied when it is too late; when we have already conceded more than we would have chosen to do, but for some reason, we felt compelled by some overt or covert threat:  They would withdraw their love, you would be excluded from their group, they would cross the road when they next saw you, or they might spread lies about you.

So what can we do to survive the bully? 
I am an integrative psychotherapist, and this means I use different approaches to help clients to resolve their difficulties.  I have set out a range of different approaches to this problem, and you may prefer to lean into one over the other.  There is no wrong or right way to handle this –

‘Pain’ Management (from a type of therapy called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and also from Mindfulness)
To survive the bully, we need to learn how to tolerate the discomfort they cause.  I have helped clients manage physical illnesses, and together we have tried out the suggestions set out below.  You might like to try to manage the ‘pain’ this bully causes you –

• Enter into the ‘pain’. Really tune into the thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations this bully evokes in you.  Become aware of, and accept, what is, rather than trying to ignore it, or fear the future uncertain.  Try to be specific when you describe these experiences, but at the same time recognise these thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations as simply thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations.  If you allow yourself to experience a distance from these, you may be able to see that they are often temporary.  They are not the whole of you.
• If entering the ‘pain’ seems overwhelming, anchor yourself in the moment by focusing on your breath. Allow thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations to come and go, but keep returning your attention to each breath.  Ask yourself ‘How uncomfortable is it right now?’ rather than fearing the future uncertain.
• Manage your expectations. It is probably unrealistic to expect to never suffer any ‘pain’ from this bully, and so you will set yourself up for disappointment.
• Caricaturise the bully. In the privacy of your own home, draw him with distorted features and give him a comedic name.  This can offer you distance from his aggression. 
• You can try all sorts of affirming statements including: Today I am choosing to go to work, or to that social gathering, or to that school (wherever the bully is likely to be).  I have strength to withstand this situation.  Avoidance will only intensify any anxiety related to the bully. 
• Give yourself space when you need it. You don’t want to avoid the bully altogether, but you can give yourself time out from them.  Even if it is on a temporary basis.
• Give yourself a few minutes each day to stop and become aware of your breathing, letting thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations come and go without resistance or challenge

Assertiveness (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)
Whether it is the person who is perceived to be the ‘bully’, or the person perceived to be the ‘victim’, either party may feel that the situation has arisen because either party has an issue with assertiveness.  No one is assertive all the time, so to assess how assertive you are in a situation, ask yourself:  ‘How much do I act on other people’s wishes at the cost of my own?’  If you are frequently doing this, and it is causing you difficulties in your life, you may need to consider working on your assertiveness.

Assertiveness includes the ability to ask for something but also the ability to say no.  Consider the following points when you think about times you have asked the bully for something, or when you have had to say no to him –

• Watch for inappropriate smiles or apologies
• Keep it brief, speak clearly and confidently
• If you are unsure, if you feel unable to answer immediately, ask for more information. If you are still unsure, state clearly that you will need to think about this and you will come back to him with an answer at a later date
• If you have given your view and the bully keeps asking the same question, trying to force you to change your mind, consider yourself like a strong old tree swaying in the wind:  Simply repeat your point without changing it.  You can empathise with the bully’s position without having to alter your own position in any way:  For example, ‘I understand you are under pressure to have an answer today but, based on the information I have at the moment, I will not be able to offer you an answer today.  I will, however, come back to you first thing tomorrow with an answer’. 
• Don’t use the phrase ‘I cannot’ when you mean ‘I will not’
• Avoid blaming others

Karpman’s drama triangle (from a type of therapy called Transactional Analysis)
A concept from Transactional Analysis is Karpman’s drama triangle:  In social situations we can sometimes adopt one of the following roles:  Persecutor, Victim or Rescuer.  If one person is leaning in one direction (for example, they are becoming a Victim), that can often make others appear as if they are adopting one of the other roles (they are becoming the Persecutor or the Rescuer).  As a result, people perceive each other in terms of these contrasting roles, without recognising that we have elements of each in all of us.

By adopting one of these roles, there is often a payoff.  If we become the Victim, for example, we might be protected by a Rescuer in our life.  We do not have to go to the effort of rescuing ourselves.  If we adopt the role of Persecutor, we do not have to accept the pain of recognising that we all have vulnerabilities.  Our tendency to adopt one of these roles can often be subconscious, so it is hard to challenge this alone, but the more we recognise that these roles exist, the more likely we are to challenge this, and avoid viewing a situation in such a simplistic way as consisting of a Persecutor (or ‘bully’), a Victim and a Rescuer.

To view the ‘bully’ as a whole person, rather than simply the Persecutor – 

• See the bully as someone who is probably acting in fear.  Aggression, whether it is overt or passive, is born of fear, so if we just see the aggressive behaviour, we have missed a trick.
• A bully often feels inferior, and so their behaviour is a way of managing that perceived inferiority.
• When you interact with the bully, make eye contact and remain civil, even if the bully has descended into childishness

Find out more today.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), Northern New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com            

It is okay to live under a little bit of pressure, because we all need this to keep going.  But too much pressure can lead to stress, which means to burn out, or to break. 

​Stress can show itself in a number of different ways, but the common symptoms include racing thoughts (or even a blank mind), palpitations, nausea, tightness in the chest, and breathlessness.  We all know that stress is unhealthy, we do not need to go into that.  But if we work, and if we have children to care for, it is not always realistic to expect to have time to put our own needs first.  This is especially so if we are working in a busy city where overcrowding is an issues.  What makes things worse for us city-dwelling working parents, studies have found that people who work or live in cities are at greater risk of developing mental health issues (for example, The current status of urban-rural differences in psychiatric disorders, Peen J, Schoevers RA, Beekman AT, Dekker J).

Sometimes a huge step towards stress reduction is realism.  If we are realistic with what we can achieve, then the weight of expectation is instantly lifted.  We might hope to achieve some sort of ‘downtime’, but if we limp towards the weekend without a moment to stop, then that should not be viewed as another failure.  There may be things we can change, but we have to accept that sometimes we have set things up in a way for a particular reason.

Instead of jumping straight into relaxation exercises or mindfulness, we first need to understand what makes us tick, or to use another phrase, we need to understand our process.  Our ‘process’ includes the following - 

• The assumptions we make about us, our loved ones, and the world around us.  Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy, stated that there are three basic assumptions that cause stress:
  • Assumptions about the world (for example, the world must be a fair place),
  • Assumptions about others (for example, others must be kind and fair to me), and
  • Assumptions about ourselves (for example, I must be hard working and successful)

Once we change these assumptions, or ‘must’ statements into preferences (for example, ‘I would like to be successful’ rather than ‘I must be successful’), then, if things do not work out as planned, this can de-awfulise the situation, and alleviate the stress.
​

• Our ‘process’ also includes
  • Our values, which essentially means what we view as important in life,
  • Our triggers (for example, we might tend to get stressed about work more than home life),
  • Our relationships (how we view the quality of our relationships, and how we tend to relate to people), and
  • How we regulate our emotions, and whether we have certain tendencies (for example, we might tend to be more anxious or depressed than others).

Once we understand our process, we have more information to see why we might be how we are.  We can then adopt a kinder voice when things don’t necessarily go to plan.  For example, if you fail to find time for yourself, perhaps this is as a result of choices you have made, and those choices have been informed by your values.  Once you change a perceived failure into a choice, life feels more in control than before.
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Then there are the blind spots.  We may feel like we have no time whatsoever, but perhaps we are not looking hard enough.  Time to unwind, to practice mindfulness or just be in the moment, can be a few minutes each day.  It could be that we use part of the journey into work, or a moment on the toilet, just to stop our minds racing, and check in with what is happening in that moment.  What are we aware of?  Are we short of breath?  Are our minds racing round corners of future uncertainty?  We do not have to achieve anything in that moment other than just to stop.  And sometimes that can be enough.  If not, perhaps it can give us a little more space to realise what we do need.
​
There are plenty more ways to combat stress, and perhaps you have encountered some of these.  I have set out below a handful of tips, and I have also included a very simple relaxation exercise.  The key point to take away from this is forgiveness.  If you manage to remember a few of these tips every now and again, brilliant.  The worst thing you can do is use these to beat yourself up, adding further stress with the idea that you are somehow failing –

• Ask for help when you need it.
• Be flexible whenever you can.
• Be clear what being assertive involves, and practice it when you can.  I have set out below a link to my assertiveness article.
• Don’t try to tackle a project but approach each task in turn.
• Make use of your calendar.  You can never get through your ‘to do’ list in one go, so perhaps schedule certain days for certain tasks.
• Try not to blame others.
• Be open to feedback (giving and receiving).

Quick and easy relaxation exercise  –

• Make some space in your day, whether that is a few minutes, five or fifteen.  Just knowing that you have that space can help with the relaxation process, because you can look forward to it when you are busy.
• During that time period –
  • Breathe in gently and hold your breath for a few seconds.
  • Breathe out so that you can hear the exhalation of your breath.  Notice the breath as it goes out. Is it cool or hot, is it strong or weak?  Make no assumptions about it but just notice it.
  • Breathe in again and hold for a few seconds.
  • Again, breathe out and notice the exhalation.
  • Repeat for your allocated time.

Find out more today.

Chris Warren-Dickins, LLB MA LPC
​Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com
References

• The current status of urban-rural differences in psychiatric disorders.  Peen J, Schoevers RA, Beekman AT, Dekker J. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19624573
• The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle

As vaccinations become available, some say that the threat of COVID has reduced.  But for others, life still seems just as hard.  For example, a return to a workplace, or an uptick in social gatherings, can seem just as threatening, keeping you up late at night.

To find peace, I like to offer an exercise called Progressive Relaxation.  In 1908 Edmund Jacobson introduced this, which basically involves clenching and releasing each muscle group as you focus on your breathing.

I have recorded an audio version of the exercise, so see if you find this useful.  If you need more strategies for stress management, get in contact today.

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com 

We have an idea about how life should be; we believe we should think, feel, and behave a certain way, and we expect others to follow suit.  Aspirations and dreams are all very well, but rigid expectations wielded by an unrelenting dictator makes for a very unhappy relationship.

Karen Horney called this a ‘tyranny of the shoulds’, and, left unchecked, it can pose a significant threat to a relationship.  When life does not live up to our expectations, we need to remember that we are in a relationship with someone else, and their perception of how things 'should' be may contradict our own expectations.  

Negotiation is the best way forward.  Once we own up to our own sense of how life 'should' be, and we are willing to hear what the other person wants and needs, we can then open a dialogue to negotiate a way forward.  Which 'shoulds' are essential, and which are you willing to concede?  This can be difficult to attempt on your own, so you may need to explore this with a therapist, either individually, or as a couple.  We can help you with this.

Relationship counseling (also known as couples counseling, couples therapy, or marriage counseling) offers you a neutral setting to work through all of this.  Find out more today.

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com ​