During Thanksgiving we may become crowded into a room full of people we barely wish to see.  Admit it, there are only one or two we really get along with.  You might feel the anger bubbling away beneath the surface, but you try to deny it.  So what to do with this anger?  Overeating and drinking is not a great option.  Try this -

First, target your anger.  Don’t try and pretend you are not angry, don’t try and shake it.  Really focus on it, and admit to yourself that you are angry.  I am not advocating confrontation.  You do not have to speak of the anger, you simply have to be aware of it, inside your own head and heart.  If we try and distort it into something else, hidden anger can lead to unhelpful experiences such as passive-aggression, depression, and procrastination.

Once you are clear that you are angry, and why, identify any accompanying emotions.  Usually you are not just angry, you are hurt or scared, or you feel there has been an injustice.  Why are you hurt?  Why are you scared?  What injustice do you perceive?

To identify the accompany emotions often gets to the heart of the anger, and helps you to see what needs to change.  You may need to do nothing, and simply acknowledging the anger, and the accompanying feeling, may lessen the intensity.  Even if it does not go away entirely, you can at least experience a little relief from it to enjoy the holiday.

Hope this helps.

Get in contact today. You can send an email, telephone, or use the online booking system.
 
Email - chris@exploretransform.com
Telephone - (201) 779-6917
https://www.exploretransform.com/
Online booking (via the link below)

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC , Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood, New Jersey. Sessions are available in-person, or online

I am delighted to have an article published in 60+ Living (Westwood For All Ages). In 15 years time there will be more people who are over 65 than under 15. On top of increasing health concerns, elders face a significant amount of transitions (for example, bereavement, a change in job status, economic status, or having to move to a different home).

Today, more than ever, we need to prioritise the mental health needs of this part of the population. And we need to recognise that those needs are just as diverse as the rest of the population.

Read more here 

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC 
www.exploretransform.com

What is anxiety?
The most simplified definition of anxiety is a ‘fear of a perceived danger’.  It can become problematic when the fear is out of proportion to the perceived danger, and/or the anxiety interferes with everyday functioning (for example, academic achievement, peer interaction, sporting activities, etc).

How can we detect anxiety in adolescents?  
Each person is different, but here are some common characteristics to look out for –

• Behaviour For example, excessive use of electronic devices such as social media, avoiding school, withdrawal from sporting activities, reduced social interaction, and sleeplessness
• Mind and feelings For example, irritability, expressing negative thoughts, or crying more often
• Body For example, headaches, heart racing, and stomach aches

 
What do you do if you suspect your loved one is struggling with anxiety

• Start with what, not why – When you talk to them, describe what you have noticed in your loved one, rather than trying to rush into an explanation or assumption as to why they might be acting this way
• Show them you are available for them if they feel able to explain what is going on.
• Empathise – Try to understand things from their perspective, and show them you are trying to do this
• Normalise – Explain that anxiety is a normal reaction to perceived danger, but it can sometimes get out of hand if you don’t get a little help
• Structure some sort of stability – Because for anxious people change or uncertainty is difficult.  For example, try and incorporate a regular routine such as the same time for bed each night, or the same place to visit each week (such as a relaxing outdoors walk, or a trip to the cinema)
• Look for any root causes – For example, bullying via social media, academic struggles, or a recent transition (such as moving house, or starting a new sporting activity)
• Develop their resourcefulness and resilience – Demonstrate where they have used their resources before, and build on that.  Give them opportunities to practice, for example, letting them request things, rather than speaking or doing things for them.  Sometimes a behavioural diary can help, to keep a track of their increasing resourcefulness and resilience

Get in contact today.  You can telephone or use the online booking system.
Telephone - (201) 779-6917
Online booking (via the link below)

It takes a great deal of effort to admit that something is wrong in a relationship.  And it takes even more effort to do something about it.  Life gets in the way:  After your children, career, parents and friends, it is hard to give your relationship any sort of attention.  But an unhappy relationship can end up impacting on those other parts of your life, including your children, your career, and your personal wellbeing.

Relationship counseling ("couples therapy") offers you a neutral setting to work through your difficulties.  Often it is hard for the people in a relationship to notice patterns of behaviour, so a professional can offer that insight.  I will work hard to ensure that all perspectives are heard and understood.  

The solution can sometimes be as simple as fine-tuning communication patterns within your relationship. 
Or perhaps there are unresolved issues from your past. Couples therapy is a confidential space to explore those issues, somewhere you can be heard and understood.  

Sometimes a relationship is dominated by the ‘tyranny of the shoulds’. This phrase was coined by Karen Horney, and it basically suggests that we have an idea of how we should live, how others should treat us, and how society as a whole should be.  When our expectations do not match reality, we can end up experiencing distress.  In a relationship, there are multiple sets of ‘shoulds’, thereby increasing the risk of distress. 

To help with this, we need to identify our ‘shoulds’.  And we need to identify the 'shoulds' of our loved ones.  Then we can negotiate and decide which 'shoulds' are mandatory for the relationship, and which we are willing to concede.  I can help you with this.

I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and I offer counseling and psychotherapy to individuals and couples  
​My office is in downtown Ridgewood: 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, Bergen County, New Jersey 07450  ​
Sessions can take place in-person or online
​
Get in contact today.  You can telephone or use the online booking system.
Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Telephone - (201) 779-6917

We can get stuck in a pattern, rehearsing the same old behaviour even when we wish we would change. Sometimes it can help to go back to basics, to look again at our 'ABCs' -

• A is for an Activating Event – For example, an argument with a loved one
• B is for Belief – For example, ‘To have a healthy relationship, I should never have arguments with my loved ones’
• C is for Consequences – For example, I feel upset and stressed out, and I feel like a failure for having failed to live up to my Belief

If a Belief causes us distress, perhaps we need to challenge it and decide whether we want to change it in some way. We could choose a different Belief that causes us less distress.  Here is what I mean –

• A is for an Activating Event – Using the same example as above, we have an argument with a loved one.
• B is for Belief – We change our Belief to ‘To have a healthy relationship, I would like to avoid arguments, but I know that sometimes they are inevitable’
• C is for Consequences – As a result, you might end up feeling a little less stressed, and you might not feel like a failure because you have not failed to live up to the Belief 

​By changing to a less absolute Belief, you allow yourself more flexibility.  This is a more forgiving approach, and arguably a more realistic viewpoint.

Get in contact today. You can send an email, telephone, or use the online booking system.
 
Email - chris@exploretransform.com
Telephone - (201) 779-6917
https://www.exploretransform.com/
Online booking (via link below)

When something goes wrong, we try to fix it.  Whether it is a relationship or work issue, we try our hardest to make it right. 

When something cannot be fixed, after trying over and over again, the easiest thing to do is blame yourself.  But sometimes things are just not meant continue, and we need to learn how to let go.  This is hard to do, and we can work out how to do it respectfully, but you wouldn’t hold onto a broken picture frame when the shards of glass kept hurting you.  So why do this to yourself with a relationship or work issue?
​
If you need help with this, or anything else that is troubling you, give me a call to arrange a consultation. (201) 779-6917

Don’t you hate it when you feel like you should be happy, and you are not? 
Sometimes the answer is what we are focusing on –

• If we focus on the past, we have no way of changing that, so this can sometimes lead to regret.  Depression is often linked to a disproportionate focusing on the past
• If we focus on the future, we don’t yet know what will come, so this could make us fearful.  This is often the problem when we are anxious
• Instead, the only way we can change things is by focusing on the present.  What can we do now, what can we change? 

It is hard, though.  We often get dragged into the past or future.  That is why therapy can help.  With a trained professional, you can try and focus on what is in the present, what is coming up for you right now.

As you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, you can explore these with your therapists.  They might hold the key to a great number of locked doors.  A therapist can support you as you unlock and walk through those doors, and discover aspects of yourself that can transform your life.

It can be hard to book that first consultation.  So here is a video showing you what might happen in a therapy session.  ​The therapist in this video is Carl Rogers, the Founder of Person-Centered therapy.
​
​This approach respects your viewpoint, and it does not try to push you into some pre-conceived idea about what is right or wrong for you

I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and I offer counseling and psychotherapy to individuals and couples  
​My office is in downtown Ridgewood: 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, Bergen County, New Jersey 07450  ​
Sessions can take place in-person or online
Get in contact today.  You can telephone or use the online booking system.

Telephone - (201) 779-6917

Online booking (via link below)

If you are feeling low, it is easy to get caught in a vicious cycle:  You feel low, so you criticise yourself.  Criticising yourself only makes you feel worse, so you attempt to do things to make yourself feel better.  If you don’t succeed, you end up criticising yourself again, and feeling even worse.  Then it is even harder to break free of the cycle.

Try to break free by accepting yourself for what you are.  Once you adopt a more accepting self-talk, you can start to see the way to working out what help you may need.  And you can start to accept the help that is on offer.

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, Bergen County, New Jersey
T: (201) 779-6917              E: chris@exploretransform.com                              
W: www.exploretransform.com

"The feeling of having in the middle of my body a ball of wool that quickly winds itself up, its innumerable threads pulling from the surface of my body to itself" (Franz Kafka).
 
What is anxiety?
 
Anxiety is more than just a touch of nerves.  As we shake and sweat, it feels like adrenaline is flooding our body, and we are left tense and irritable as our thoughts go wild.  We are put in a constant state of fight or flight, and so our body is ready for action but our mind is left dazed and confused. 
 
Anxiety tends to be organised into the following disorders –

• Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) – This is “the presence of excessive anxiety and worry about a variety of topics, events, or activities. Worry occurs more often than not for at least 6 months and is clearly excessive” (DSM V).
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) – This is a response to a traumatic event, and it falls within this classification when anxiety is accompanied by –
  • Flashbacks of the traumatic event,
  • Avoidance of places and people that may trigger thoughts of the traumatic event, and
  • A feeling of detachment.
• Phobic anxiety disorders – This is a disproportionate fear of something.
• Panic disorders – This is where you have a panic attack which includes shortness of breath, heart palpitations, and often a fear that you are going to die as a result.
• Social anxiety disorder – This is a fear of social interaction.

 
Often anxiety and depression arise together.  According to Dr Gregg Henriques, this is because “they both respond to problems in living and functioning”.  Henriques explains that “anxiety orients toward future problems to be avoided” and “depression toward past losses and the futility of future investment” (Dr Gregg Henriques).
 
Anxiety on the increase?
 
The Office of National Statistics reports that 20.9% of people rate their anxiety levels at 6 or more out of 10, and Anxiety UK reports that the economic downturn has only made things worse:  "What we are finding is that people who might ordinarily have managed their anxiety quite well have been tipped into new territory by being made redundant or having to adapt to new life circumstances" (Nicky Lidbetter). 
 
Some argue that we have become more anxious because we have more choices in life.  According to Professor Pieter Kruger, “from research we know that people with no choice are significantly more resilient because they can blame life or other people when they make a wrong decision.  But if you make a wrong decision having had a range of choice, you have no one to blame but yourself. We become much more obsessive because we want to make the right decision every time”.
 
Arguably an evolution in the way we use technology has served to worsen our anxiety levels.  I have previously written an article on digital addiction (please see links section below), and Claire Eastham adds that technology offers us “a window to the world that not only provides a constant stream of news (which in itself can be a cause of anxiety) but also enables me to keep up with anyone from friends to Kim Kardashian”.  Is it any wonder that we are anxious?
 
If anxiety attacks, how can we fight back?
 
Here are some ideas - 

• De-catastrophise the symptoms – Recognise the symptoms (thoughts racing, heart fluttering, shortness of breath) as anxiety and (subject to a medical checkup) not signs of something else.  Once you name it, you can begin work on taming it.
• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) – Some clients have found CBT particularly useful because it offers a structured way to tackle anxiety.  CBT can help you to challenge unhelpful thinking patterns (such as catastrophising, black or white thinking, personalisation, etc - for a full list of unhelpful thinking patterns, have a look at my CBT toolkit which can be found in the links section below).  The idea is that if you change your thoughts or perspective, you can change the consequential emotion (in this case, you can reduce your anxiety).  Often you have to ask yourself ‘What is the worst that could happen?’, or ‘On a scale of 1-100, how bad would it really be?’  And compare this with the anxiety you are suffering now.
• Take relaxation seriously – To counteract the fight or flight state, we need to ensure that we are relaxed.  Too often my clients are willing to explore relaxation methods in the therapy room, but they are not willing to dedicate sufficient time or energy to it in their daily lives.  Relaxation takes dedication, and yet other activities end up filling our time, even when it is activities that are, by our own admission, less important to us than our emotional wellbeing (such as getting updates on social media).
• Mindfulness – This is a useful tool to help you to focus on the here and now.  For example, if you remain focused on your breathing, this will help you to remain anchored in the present, and you are less likely to race after anxious thoughts about the future possible, might never happen.
• What does our anxiety tell us? – Sometimes our anxiety is carrying important messages.  We all need a measure of fear in order to keep us safe, but we can work at ensuring that we manage our fear, and we reflect on it, making a decision about whether or not it is proportionate, and whether or not it is realistic. 

Dr Gregg Henriques offers the following structure as a starting point in assessing our anxiety (and, in fact, our depression) –

1. Are our basic living needs being met?  These include food, shelter and security.  Perhaps our anxiety (or depression) is as a result of these basic needs failing to be met.
2. Are we feeling valued by others and ourselves?  Is there a good relationship between our private and public selves?  We can look at the quality of our relationships to help us decide this.  These are known as our psychosocial needs, and if these are not being met, we may find some sort of explanation for our anxiety or depression. 
3. If the above needs are being met, it may be that we have a particularly anxious or depressed temperament. 
4. We may be feeling anxious because we have developed unhelpful coping mechanisms.  For example, in order to cope with potentially fearful social interaction, we might tend to avoid social situations altogether.  As a result, we will end up feeling more anxious about socialising. Our avoidance would be viewed as an unhelpful coping mechanism.
5. Another example might be someone who fears their strong feelings, and so he blocks those emotions, or he becomes overwhelmed by them, instead of allowing himself to become aware of, and responsive to, those feelings.  This would lead to an anxious or depressed state. 

 
Anxiety is real, and it is horrendous when it takes hold.  And perhaps it is on the increase, with the onslaught of a changing economy and ever-evolving technology.  But there are ways to fight back.  That much is within our control.

Get in contact today.  You can send an email, telephone, or use the online booking system.

Email - chris@exploretransform.com
Telephone - (201) 779-6917
https://www.exploretransform.com/
 
Chris Warren-Dickins is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood, New Jersey. Sessions are available in-person at his downtown Ridgewood, or online 
​
​Online booking (via link below)