What is the secret ingredient to a long-lasting relationship?  Each relationship is unique, just as each person is unique, but there appears to be at least one common factor throughout:  Connection.

Too often we end up functioning with, rather than truly experiencing, truly connecting with, the other person.  Without this connection, we can quickly forget why we were ever together in the first place.  And then we open our relationship up to danger.

Connection can mean a whole range of things but some can include:

1.  Looking at the person when they are talking to you
2.  Responding to confirm you have understood what they have said 
3.  Asking them questions to show you have an interest about them
4. Offering physical contact, such as holding someone's hand
5.  You try to carve out (even the smallest amount of) time together, without anyone else
6.  You put down/turn off electronic devices such as social media
7.  You follow up on a previous conversation with that person, to check in with how they are with that topic
8.  You share vulnerabilities, admissions of mistakes, and you are not afraid of how you might be viewed by the other

Re-establishing a connection is such a common theme in my work.  I have previously written about the myths about men and connection, and the link between addiction and a lack of connection.  So too can a lack of connection rest at the heart of a relationship's problems.  

To try and re-establish that connection, ask yourself these four questions - 

1.  What was it that first made me fall in love with my partner? What was the 'secret ingredient'?
2.  How much of that is still present in our relationship?  
3.  How much more of that ingredient do I need to get back into our relationship (this is the long-term goal)?
4.  What is the first step I need to take to start my journey towards that long-term goal (this is the short-term goal)?

It takes time and attention to re-establish that connection.  And it is never a one-time exercise. But if we incorporate a small amount of connection (the secret ingredient) into our regular patterns, as much as we incorporate household chores, we will start to see results.
Get in contact today. You can send an email, telephone, or use the online booking system.
 
Email - chris@exploretransform.com
Telephone - (201) 779-6917
https://www.exploretransform.com/
Online booking https://www.therapyportal.com/p/cwarrendickins/

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC , Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood, New Jersey. Sessions are available in-person, or online
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​“We can’t pick our family.  We often can’t change them.  But we can recognise when we are likely to be triggered and deal with our negative emotions and physical responses rather than buy into them with thoughts of ‘How dare he!’ or ‘How could she!’  Sometimes it helps to view the situation as an opportunity for our own personal exploration and growth.”  (Francine Shapiro)

If you need to book a counseling or therapy session, book online today by following this link https://www.therapyportal.com/p/cwarrendickins/ Or you can call on (201) 779-6917
Sessions are available online, or in-person at 162 E Ridgewood Ave, Ste 4B, Ridgewood NJ 07450

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor)

There is a fundamental rule for all relationships:  Never let the one you love feel alone, especially when you are there.

What comes up for you when you read that?  Do you feel that you are the one who has been made to feel lonely, or perhaps you are wondering whether you have made your loved one feel that way.

Either way, if you need to talk to a trained professional, book a consultation

If you are in a relationship, and you think you need a little help, book a consultation online by clicking here.  Or you can call for more information (201) 779-6917, or send an email to chris@exploretransform.com 

As parents, we are consumed with finding ways to help our kids. But what about us parents? ‘Allowing yourself to let go’ can mean allowing yourself to fail sometimes. And allowing yourself to accept that you are forever learning. You will never get it just right, any more than the kids will.

If you need time out, just for you, give Chris Warren-Dickins LPC a call to arrange a consultation (201) 779-6917

Self-care comes in all shapes and sizes.  And it could be as simple as a good book, or hot drink, in front of the fire.

The more we pay attention to self-care, the more resilient we will be in the face of depression, anxiety, relationship issues, or any other difficulties.  And the more resilient we become, the more we can help others

We all get angry.  Anger is an emotion as acceptable as any other, and yet for some their anger has become a problem.  They feel that they tend to react more angrily than the average person, and for some it has even threatened to ruin a career or destroyed a special relationship. So at what point is the expression of an emotion a problem that needs to be managed? 

​To help us understand this, we can look at anger in contrast with other emotions.  Why do some people feel that they react more angrily than others? –

• Anger and anxiety - If someone feels threatened and she tends to perceive herself as unable to cope in a situation, she will tend to feel anxious. However, if someone tends to focus on the violation of her rights when she feels threatened, she will tend to get angry rather than anxious.

• Anger and sadness - If someone is insulted and she tends to accept the insult, devaluing herself as a result, the emotion would tend to be sadness. However, in the same situation, if the person tends to reject the insult as unfounded and unacceptable, the resulting emotion would tend to be anger.  

Feeling an emotion, whether it is anger, anxiety, sadness, or any other emotion, is neither good nor bad.  It is just an emotion.  So at what point can we say that an angry reaction is unacceptable and problematic?  Most would agree that the tipping point is

• When the anger is in response to a distorted version of reality. Is it reasonable to say that one’s rights are really being violated, or is this just an imagined incursion, perhaps an echo from the past? 

• When the anger is a disproportionate reaction, when the situation does not warrant such an extreme reaction. Are we slamming our fist into the wall even when we cannot find our keys?  

If anger has become a problem, how can talking to a trained professional help?

• Twisted thinking?  A cognitive behavioural therapist would focus on a person’s thoughts and assumptions.  It might be that the client is thinking in an unhelpful way (some therapists refer to this as ‘twisted thinking’) and the therapist would offer the client an opportunity to challenge these thoughts.  Examples of twisted thinking include jumping to conclusions, generalising about situations, assuming things about other people (or ‘mind-reading’) and living by the ‘tyranny of the shoulds’ (the client believes that she should live a certain way, and the world should be a certain way). 

By way of illustration, a person might assume that everyone should be polite to each other, and as a result that person might feel angry every time someone is impolite to her.  Once the thoughts and assumptions are identified, the therapist will help the person to change any thoughts and assumptions that are unhelpful.  For example, the therapist might suggest that the person changes the should statement into ‘I would like people to be polite to each other, but I am aware that not everyone will be’.  This change in assumption might lead to less anger, as a result of less perceived violation of that person’s rights.

• Unmet needs and assertiveness. Anger is often a communication of unmet needs.  Talking to a therapist can help someone to identify those needs, and together the therapist and client can work out a more constructive way to ensure that those needs are met.  This can often involve assertiveness training, so that the client is able to communicate those needs without expressing anger in a disproportionate manner.

• Expression of emotion (rather than venting) Talking to a therapist might be an opportunity to express the anger, which might lead to new insights.  Many therapists draw a distinction between venting and expression of emotion.  Venting implies that anger is something to be eradicated, whereas expression of anger implies that this emotion might be a communication of something important about that client.  In their book on expressing emotion, Kennedy-Moore and Watson suggested three conditions for a constructive expression of anger –

‘When it is directed at the appropriate target.  Indirect strategies like punching pillows…do nothing to alter the source of anger…

1. When it does not lead to further retaliation by the target’ (for example, one could write an angry letter which is then torn up)
2. ‘When it results in changes in the perceptions of the expresser or the behaviour of the target.’

​Talking to a trained professional about anger management can be useful, but we cannot do anything until we are fully aware.  Some people deny that they are ever angry, and so it is important to reflect on this as anger can be communicated in a number of ways, passively and actively.  Consider carefully how you feel and how that makes you behave in certain situations.  It is okay to feel angry, but to what degree is that anger a response to a distorted version of reality?  And even if it is not distorted, is the extent of our anger a proportionate reaction to the situation?

Get in contact today.  You can telephone me on (201) 779-6917 or book a consultation online - https://www.therapyportal.com/p/cwarrendickins/

“The shame tattoo.” I heard that phrase a couple of years ago, and it has stayed with me ever since. It is such a striking way to encapsulate the concept of shame: It is the insertion of something that leaves an indelible mark deep beneath the skin. 

Robert* also liked to call his shame ‘the shame tattoo’. When we came to the end of our counseling sessions, he added it to the list of things he would take from our work together. He also liked the fact that a tattoo was something from the past, and it was only a mark on his skin: It was not the whole of him, and so the darkness did not define nor consume him.

When Robert first came to see me his world was a place of enemies. Every encounter involved a defensive posture, with an occasional tight-lipped smile and short, non-committal statements weighed down by negativity. The strapline to social dialogue was persistently: ‘There is a trap here, so keep your guard up.’ Given his lack of faith in mankind, I was surprised he made the initial appointment with me, let alone turn up for it. But he did, and he persisted with the entire course of therapy.

Often shame is at the heart of something else presented by a client: Addiction, anger, depression, anxiety. And so, with Robert, we examined his anger in the early sessions, and his disappointment, and his mistrust, and his anxiety, but there was no mention of the word ‘shame’. At times I struggle with the tipping point between taking the lead from a client (using their words and meaning), and offering my own insight. I continuously challenge myself on this, questioning whether I am bringing in stuff from the client or stuff from my own world. But part of our job can include imparting information, and so the information I imparted was that the word ‘shame’ has sometimes been used when other people have presented stuff that Robert was presenting. I offered it tentatively, and he snatched at it, stared at it, and then nodded.

By saying the word ‘shame’, Robert could finally identify what had been itching beneath his skin for all these years. Finally he could make sense of that nausea he felt when he looked in the mirror. He believed that people could see the shame etched across his face because he believed that what had been done to him had defined him. And he believed that this shame made him unlovable. 

And that is what shame is: It is about your very being. It is about something internal, a self-belief, whereas guilt is about something external: Guilt is about something you have done (or not done). Shame often emerges in someone’s core beliefs, usually in the form of statements such as ‘I am unlovable’, or ‘I am unworthy’, or ‘There is something about me that is just not right’. Shame might make someone withdraw, whereas guilt might make someone seek forgiveness.

Once we identified shame, we looked at what Robert might need.  He needed to tell his story, and he needed to be believed. That was hard enough when shame was undermining his very foundation. But as he told his story, and he saw that I continued to accept him unconditionally, he began to question the belief he had held onto for so long. Perhaps, after all, there was not something rotten about his core. 

It is difficult to step away from a belief that you have held onto for so long, especially if others have reinforced that belief. When I work with survivors of sexual violence, often the perpetrator has reinforced a belief that the survivor is somehow unlovable, or to blame. A child’s sense of survival is inextricably tied to a caregiver (whether that is a parent, older sibling or grandparent). If that caregiver is abusive, they may shame the child into secrecy. The survivor is essentially given a choice: Accept this shame and survive, or face extinction. Inevitably they are going to choose shame.

In her book ‘Narrative Approaches to Working with Adult Male Survivors’ Kim Etherington warned against ‘moving too quickly towards forgiveness’, pointing out that this can be an avoidance of anger and fear. This is especially so if the perpetrator was a caregiver. It is hard, after so many years, to accept that someone you might have loved actually abused you. When I work with survivors of abuse, we often end up turning shame on its back and seeing it for what it really is: Someone else’s shame. A client who has been abused will often believe that they were somehow to blame, or they are tarnished because of someone else’s action. In reality, they are taking on the perpetrator’s shame, and often the perpetrator has been complicit in fostering this belief. It helps protect the perpetrator: ‘If you tell anyone, they will think you are the unclean one.’ Or: ‘Keep quiet because they will never believe someone like you.’
​
To work through shame, that person needs to feel accepted for the whole of who they are. This is where the relationship between therapist and client is so important: If someone can feel unconditional acceptance, they can start to distance themselves from the shame. But this is not a linear process. My work with Robert came to an end, but we were both aware that the process was not necessarily linear. The pressures of everyday life can have a triggering effect, so Robert knew that he would need to continuously monitor himself and watch out for times when he may need additional support.
*Names and details have been changed

Get in contact today.  You can telephone me on (201) 779-6917 or book a consultation online -