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What is the secret ingredient to a long-lasting relationship? Each relationship is unique, just as each person is unique, but there appears to be at least one common factor throughout: Connection. Too often we end up functioning with, rather than truly experiencing, truly connecting with, the other person. Without this connection, we can quickly forget why we were ever together in the first place. And then we open our relationship up to danger. Connection can mean a whole range of things but some can include: 1. Looking at the person when they are talking to you 2. Responding to confirm you have understood what they have said 3. Asking them questions to show you have an interest about them 4. Offering physical contact, such as holding someone's hand 5. You try to carve out (even the smallest amount of) time together, without anyone else 6. You put down/turn off electronic devices such as social media 7. You follow up on a previous conversation with that person, to check in with how they are with that topic 8. You share vulnerabilities, admissions of mistakes, and you are not afraid of how you might be viewed by the other Re-establishing a connection is such a common theme in my work. I have previously written about the myths about men and connection, and the link between addiction and a lack of connection. So too can a lack of connection rest at the heart of a relationship's problems. To try and re-establish that connection, ask yourself these four questions - 1. What was it that first made me fall in love with my partner? What was the 'secret ingredient'? 2. How much of that is still present in our relationship? 3. How much more of that ingredient do I need to get back into our relationship (this is the long-term goal)? 4. What is the first step I need to take to start my journey towards that long-term goal (this is the short-term goal)? It takes time and attention to re-establish that connection. And it is never a one-time exercise. But if we incorporate a small amount of connection (the secret ingredient) into our regular patterns, as much as we incorporate household chores, we will start to see results. Get in contact today. You can send an email, telephone, or use the online booking system. Email - chris@exploretransform.com Telephone - (201) 779-6917 https://www.exploretransform.com/ Online booking https://www.therapyportal.com/p/cwarrendickins/ Chris Warren-Dickins LPC , Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood, New Jersey. Sessions are available in-person, or online #chriswarrendickins #ridgewood #depression #anxiety #angermanagement #trauma #relationships #stress #counseling #bergencounty #newjersey #therapy #Support #psychotherapy #counselor #mentalhealth  Online therapy is available (subject to an initial assessment in-person). For enquiries, use the online booking system at www.exploretransform.com, or give me a call on (201) 779-6917  “We can’t pick our family. We often can’t change them. But we can recognise when we are likely to be triggered and deal with our negative emotions and physical responses rather than buy into them with thoughts of ‘How dare he!’ or ‘How could she!’ Sometimes it helps to view the situation as an opportunity for our own personal exploration and growth.” (Francine Shapiro) If you need to book a counseling or therapy session, book online today by following this link https://www.therapyportal.com/p/cwarrendickins/ Or you can call on (201) 779-6917 Sessions are available online, or in-person at 162 E Ridgewood Ave, Ste 4B, Ridgewood NJ 07450 Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor)  There is a fundamental rule for all relationships: Never let the one you love feel alone, especially when you are there. What comes up for you when you read that? Do you feel that you are the one who has been made to feel lonely, or perhaps you are wondering whether you have made your loved one feel that way. Either way, if you need to talk to a trained professional, book a consultation  If you are in a relationship, and you think you need a little help, book a consultation online by clicking here. Or you can call for more information (201) 779-6917, or send an email to chris@exploretransform.com  As parents, we are consumed with finding ways to help our kids. But what about us parents? ‘Allowing yourself to let go’ can mean allowing yourself to fail sometimes. And allowing yourself to accept that you are forever learning. You will never get it just right, any more than the kids will. If you need time out, just for you, give Chris Warren-Dickins LPC a call to arrange a consultation (201) 779-6917  Self-care comes in all shapes and sizes. And it could be as simple as a good book, or hot drink, in front of the fire. The more we pay attention to self-care, the more resilient we will be in the face of depression, anxiety, relationship issues, or any other difficulties. And the more resilient we become, the more we can help others  We all get angry. Anger is an emotion as acceptable as any other, and yet for some their anger has become a problem. They feel that they tend to react more angrily than the average person, and for some it has even threatened to ruin a career or destroyed a special relationship. So at what point is the expression of an emotion a problem that needs to be managed? To help us understand this, we can look at anger in contrast with other emotions. Why do some people feel that they react more angrily than others? –
Feeling an emotion, whether it is anger, anxiety, sadness, or any other emotion, is neither good nor bad. It is just an emotion. So at what point can we say that an angry reaction is unacceptable and problematic? Most would agree that the tipping point is
If anger has become a problem, how can talking to a trained professional help?
By way of illustration, a person might assume that everyone should be polite to each other, and as a result that person might feel angry every time someone is impolite to her. Once the thoughts and assumptions are identified, the therapist will help the person to change any thoughts and assumptions that are unhelpful. For example, the therapist might suggest that the person changes the should statement into ‘I would like people to be polite to each other, but I am aware that not everyone will be’. This change in assumption might lead to less anger, as a result of less perceived violation of that person’s rights.
Talking to a trained professional about anger management can be useful, but we cannot do anything until we are fully aware. Some people deny that they are ever angry, and so it is important to reflect on this as anger can be communicated in a number of ways, passively and actively. Consider carefully how you feel and how that makes you behave in certain situations. It is okay to feel angry, but to what degree is that anger a response to a distorted version of reality? And even if it is not distorted, is the extent of our anger a proportionate reaction to the situation? Get in contact today. You can telephone me on (201) 779-6917 or book a consultation online - https://www.therapyportal.com/p/cwarrendickins/  It is thought that 2.6 in every 100 people suffer from depression (Mind). As common as it may be, and sometimes it is even patently clear that it is right there in front of us, it is rarely talked about. Winston Churchill described depression as the ‘black dog’ but it seems that it seems more to be the elephant in the room. When I start working with a client who is depressed, we look at all the potential causes, whether that is in the present, the past, an unhelpful way of thinking, or even an unhealthy relationship. It is important to have as open a mind to the potential causes, and it is rare that the depression is attributable to one factor. Once we have a clear idea of what might be the potential causes, the difficult part is to challenge the status quo. This is difficult because we often develop ways of living for a very good reason. For example, as a child it might have been easier to believe that we were intrinsically a bad person, if this meant that it made sense of the cruelty inflicted on us by a parent. To let go of the belief that we are intrinsically a bad person, and so deserving of the cruelty, we have to identify, and gently start to challenge, our distorted thinking. We need to reality-test our assumptions and replace these with more rational ways of thinking. But how can we do this? Here are some examples of distorted thinking, and how we can challenge these– Perfectionism Depression often makes us believe that we cannot do anything unless we do it perfectly. If we do not challenge perfectionism, we will end up caught in the depression cycle. This is where your negative thoughts cause a low mood and you end up less willing to engage in the activities you previously enjoyed. As a result, the reduced activity will lead to further negative thoughts, and a lower mood, and even less activity. To challenge perfectionism -
Tyranny of the 'shoulds' I often work with clients who are depressed because they believe that certain things should happen (I should, they should), and if these things do not happen, they are left feeling frustrated. It can be helpful to try and challenge these 'shoulds' in the following ways -
In parallel with the focus on your thinking patterns and underlying beliefs, you should take care not to fall into the depression cycle. This is where your negative thoughts cause a low mood and you end up less willing to engage in the activities you previously enjoyed. As a result, the reduced activity will lead to further negative thoughts, and a lower mood, and even less activity. Break out of this cycle and set yourself simple tasks to achieve each day. Include a mixture of different types of activities (social, educational, creative and recreational), and use an activity diary to rate your feeling of achievement for each task. Do not expect to immediately find these tasks enjoyable, and each day, increase the frequency and number of activities. Get in contact today. You can telephone me on (201) 779-6917 or book a consultation online - https://www.therapyportal.com/p/cwarrendickins/  “The shame tattoo.” I heard that phrase a couple of years ago, and it has stayed with me ever since. It is such a striking way to encapsulate the concept of shame: It is the insertion of something that leaves an indelible mark deep beneath the skin. Robert* also liked to call his shame ‘the shame tattoo’. When we came to the end of our counseling sessions, he added it to the list of things he would take from our work together. He also liked the fact that a tattoo was something from the past, and it was only a mark on his skin: It was not the whole of him, and so the darkness did not define nor consume him. When Robert first came to see me his world was a place of enemies. Every encounter involved a defensive posture, with an occasional tight-lipped smile and short, non-committal statements weighed down by negativity. The strapline to social dialogue was persistently: ‘There is a trap here, so keep your guard up.’ Given his lack of faith in mankind, I was surprised he made the initial appointment with me, let alone turn up for it. But he did, and he persisted with the entire course of therapy. Often shame is at the heart of something else presented by a client: Addiction, anger, depression, anxiety. And so, with Robert, we examined his anger in the early sessions, and his disappointment, and his mistrust, and his anxiety, but there was no mention of the word ‘shame’. At times I struggle with the tipping point between taking the lead from a client (using their words and meaning), and offering my own insight. I continuously challenge myself on this, questioning whether I am bringing in stuff from the client or stuff from my own world. But part of our job can include imparting information, and so the information I imparted was that the word ‘shame’ has sometimes been used when other people have presented stuff that Robert was presenting. I offered it tentatively, and he snatched at it, stared at it, and then nodded. By saying the word ‘shame’, Robert could finally identify what had been itching beneath his skin for all these years. Finally he could make sense of that nausea he felt when he looked in the mirror. He believed that people could see the shame etched across his face because he believed that what had been done to him had defined him. And he believed that this shame made him unlovable. And that is what shame is: It is about your very being. It is about something internal, a self-belief, whereas guilt is about something external: Guilt is about something you have done (or not done). Shame often emerges in someone’s core beliefs, usually in the form of statements such as ‘I am unlovable’, or ‘I am unworthy’, or ‘There is something about me that is just not right’. Shame might make someone withdraw, whereas guilt might make someone seek forgiveness. Once we identified shame, we looked at what Robert might need. He needed to tell his story, and he needed to be believed. That was hard enough when shame was undermining his very foundation. But as he told his story, and he saw that I continued to accept him unconditionally, he began to question the belief he had held onto for so long. Perhaps, after all, there was not something rotten about his core. It is difficult to step away from a belief that you have held onto for so long, especially if others have reinforced that belief. When I work with survivors of sexual violence, often the perpetrator has reinforced a belief that the survivor is somehow unlovable, or to blame. A child’s sense of survival is inextricably tied to a caregiver (whether that is a parent, older sibling or grandparent). If that caregiver is abusive, they may shame the child into secrecy. The survivor is essentially given a choice: Accept this shame and survive, or face extinction. Inevitably they are going to choose shame. In her book ‘Narrative Approaches to Working with Adult Male Survivors’ Kim Etherington warned against ‘moving too quickly towards forgiveness’, pointing out that this can be an avoidance of anger and fear. This is especially so if the perpetrator was a caregiver. It is hard, after so many years, to accept that someone you might have loved actually abused you. When I work with survivors of abuse, we often end up turning shame on its back and seeing it for what it really is: Someone else’s shame. A client who has been abused will often believe that they were somehow to blame, or they are tarnished because of someone else’s action. In reality, they are taking on the perpetrator’s shame, and often the perpetrator has been complicit in fostering this belief. It helps protect the perpetrator: ‘If you tell anyone, they will think you are the unclean one.’ Or: ‘Keep quiet because they will never believe someone like you.’ To work through shame, that person needs to feel accepted for the whole of who they are. This is where the relationship between therapist and client is so important: If someone can feel unconditional acceptance, they can start to distance themselves from the shame. But this is not a linear process. My work with Robert came to an end, but we were both aware that the process was not necessarily linear. The pressures of everyday life can have a triggering effect, so Robert knew that he would need to continuously monitor himself and watch out for times when he may need additional support. *Names and details have been changed Get in contact today. You can telephone me on (201) 779-6917 or book a consultation online -   ‘I don't want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave.’
In her novel ‘Cat’s Eye’, this is how Margaret Atwood describes depression. As a psychotherapist, I have worked with a number of clients who have worked through their depression, and Atwood’s description is spot on. Someone who is depressed will often find themselves caught in the following double-bind –
As a result, if something negative does happen, this simply proves his assumption that they are inadequate or deficient. Trapped in this double-bind, they do not have the ‘escape clause’ that other conditions offer: For example, if someone with OCD follows a routine, they will find relief from the anxiety. With depression, it often feels like there is no end to the ‘sluggish wave’. The World Health Organization predicts that by 2030 depression will be the ‘leading cause of disease burden’ worldwide (‘The increasing burden of depression’, Jean-Pierre Lepine and Mike Briley). In the UK it is reported that one in five people become depressed at some point in their lives (Royal College of Psychiatrists), and so it is very common. Sadly, not enough people talk about having experienced it, and so there is often an element of shame attached to it. If someone is experiencing depression, they may find that they are helped by –
If a person with depression decides to talk to a trained expert, one of the approaches is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). This is the approach recommended by NICE, but there is some debate about whether this is the only approach that is useful. As I am an integrative psychotherapist, I would work with the client to make choices about how to work through their depression. These choices would be informed by the client, the presenting issue, and any current research. Whichever approach we choose, I always work from a person-centred core. This means that I listen actively to the client, paraphrasing their experiences back so that they know they are understood. I do not make assumptions and instead I work hard to understand the client’s meanings (for example, what he means by ‘depressed’ and how this impacts on his life). Sometimes just having the magnitude of one’s feelings acknowledged can be healing in itself. But sometimes this is not enough, and so I work with the client to see what else we can do with the client’s experiences. There is currently research being carried out to investigate what is known as the analytical rumination hypothesis. In brief, this hypothesis suggests that depression serves a function, just as a fever indicates that the body is fighting an infection. Some have suggested that the ruminative thoughts involved with depression might offer opportunities for that person to improve. What a trained expert can do is to help that person along the rumination process, finding solutions for the problems that are causing the depression. For example, someone might be depressed because of a recent relationship breakup, and the ruminative thoughts might be about the depressed person trying to work out how they will live as a single person, or how they might live in a relationship differently in the future. This implies that there is a resolution to the process, once the depressed person makes sense of this new information. If this is true, trying to medicate someone who is depressed might not be useful, as it might prevent the person from working through these ruminative thoughts and finding some sort of resolution. The research on the analytical rumination hypothesis is far from conclusive, and so professionals urge people to not stop taking prescribed medication, but it is interesting to at least consider this as a possible explanation for depression. Some clients have found mindfulness to be a useful approach with depression. This approach was best described by Jon Kabat Zinn in his book ‘Full Catastrophe Living’: ‘The essence of the practice is non-doing', it is a letting go’. The purpose is not to achieve anything but to acknowledge and be aware of what is’. So one approach might be to stop trying to fight the depression and see how it might be to accept it, in the hope that this might give it less power, and it might eventually fade into the background. If CBT is the chosen approach, this would involve examining a client’s thoughts and assumptions. For example, by talking to a trained expert the following clients might start to understand that –
Using CBT, a trained expert would help these clients to challenge these assumptions. For example –
In addition to challenging a client’s thoughts or assumptions, behavioural techniques might also be explored. For example –
With all behavioural techniques, it is important to explore all the possible risks and benefits of these techniques, paying careful attention to any assumptions that the client might offer to avoid pursuing or sustaining these activities. One common assumption amongst depressed clients is that the activity will inevitably fail to achieve any change, or they believe that they lack the ability to succeed in the task. But it would be important to ask the client:
It might be useful to end this article with a checklist of assumptions that often trap people in depression. How many of these ‘rules’ do you live by, and how helpful is it for you? There is a big difference between rules to improve your life, and rules to trap you. If you are at least aware of the rules that you live by, you can then decide which ones are useful, and which ones are destroying your life -
Get in contact today. You can telephone me on (201) 779-6917 or book a consultation online - |
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