To be effective in any relationship, we need to communicate our emotions and needs.
Sometimes there is no other choice but to ask for something, and sometimes we need to say no.

If you are to improve any relationship, at work or at home, you need to know the Seven Sides of Assertiveness.  Here is another chance to read my article Seven Sides of Assertiveness.  
​
Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC, Psychotherapist
www.exploretransform.com
#findatherapist #northernnewjersey #beyondtheblue #mentalhealth  

‘There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so’ (Hamlet, William Shakespeare)
 
Sometimes conflict is created by no one else but you.  Yes, you. You hold fast onto a belief, so hard that you cannot see straight. Or you act on an impulse because, well, emotions are to be acted upon.  No matter how strong, how damaging, and how short-lived, you must act on those burning emotions.  Right?  Wrong.
 
Your thoughts and emotions are yours to do with whatever you will.  You can act on them or not, it is your choice.  And the more options you are aware of, the more informed that choice really is.
 
Here are five tips to regain control of your thoughts and emotions and stop creating conflict -
 
 1.  Bend you mind to alternative perspectives.  So much of my work as a psychotherapist involves helping people to develop a more flexible approach to their thoughts.  For example, many people make assumptions, and yet this can quickly escalate a situation.  Also, many people hold fast to beliefs about how life ‘should’ be, when they have never stopped to consider an alternative way to be. 

2.  Expose yourself to the emotions you try to suppress.  Often avoidance increases problems, so if you assess that what you are avoiding poses no real threat, you need to gently expose yourself to what you fear. 

3.  Resist the impulse.  Some people believe that ‘if I feel it then it must be true’.  But just because your emotions tell you to act, does not mean you should. You need to balance your emotions with your rational mind, and make an informed decision. 

4.  Get in touch with your bodily sensations.  Our body serves as a bridge between our thoughts and emotions; it is another source of information.  Don't ignore those somatic signals of discontent. 

5.  Stay mindful, which means anchoring yourself in the present.  So much anxiety and depression is fuelled by a focus on a past you can do nothing to change, or a future you do not yet know.  And when you do this, you are neglecting the all-important present which can be changed. 

Does any of this inspire you to explore this further?  If so, book a free initial assessment today.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com

Are you straight or cisgender, and you wonder how you can be a better ally to the LGBTQ+ community?  I often get this question from people who want to support their employees, colleagues, family members, and friends who are part of the LGBTQ+ community. 
​
As I am a psychotherapist who identifies as a member of the LGBTQ+ community, and I work a great deal with clients who are also part of this community, I feel I have at least some insight to share.  However, I cannot claim that I know about the experiences of all members of the LGBTQ+ community. We are all continually learning about each other, and the best approach is to understand a person’s experiences using their own words and labels.  We should not make assumptions based on our own preconceived notions.
That said, here is another look at an article I wrote a while back, and which might help a little if you would like to be an ally of the LGBTQ+ community.

Read my article about becoming an ally of the LGBTQ+ community.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC, Psychotherapist
www.exploretransform.com
 #findatherapist #northernnewjersey #beyondtheblue #mentalhealth  

What is the secret to a healthy life?  Is it money or success?  A big house or a flash car?  When we focus on external gain at the expense of others, and even ourselves, we are task-focused, and this is useful in certain circumstances.  (Even our Neolithic ancestors had to focus on the task of fleeing the sabre-toothed tiger, to survive long enough to pass on human life to you.)  But this isn’t enough.
 
To have a healthy life we also need to focus on our own self-respect.  We are not just cogs in a wheel or pawns to be played by others.  We have thoughts and feelings, and we have a sense of self-respect.  So we need to take care of that.  But even that is not enough. 

To truly have a healthy life, we need to connect to others.  Connection confirms the edges of our personality; Charles Horton Cooley calls this the Looking-Glass Self; we see ourselves according to how others view us.  Connection is so important that neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman claims 'we can make ourselves smarter, happier, and more productive' ‘by 'building on our social intuition'.  In addition, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry Dan Siegal says that ‘the more we connect with others and embrace the reality of our interconnected nature, the more we’ll live with meaning, compassion, equanimity, and purpose’. 
  
And yet when we were at school we were chastised for whispering to our friends.  We were constantly encouraged to redirect our attention to the task at hand.  So what about this all-important task of developing human connection?
 
What we were actually being taught at school was that the secret to a healthy life is the ability to strike a balance between these competing demands.  We need to continually assess when we need to  –
 

• Focus on our relationships,
• Focus on our tasks, or
• Focus on our sense of self-esteem.

 
To strike a balance means that we need to become skillful in all three areas, not just one or two.  Once we have worked this out, we then need to focus on achieving that objective.  Set out below are some tips to help you with that. 
 
Tips to help you preserve a relationship

• Really reflect on how you communicate your messages.  For example, is your manner gentle and calm?
• Communicate empathy for any emotions the other person may be showing.
• Thoughts and feelings can be understandable, even if you do not agree with them. Communicate this understanding.

 
Tips to help you when the objective is the task

• Be clear about how you view the situation.  You are describing only what you know, not what you are assuming.
• When you communicate your feelings or needs in an assertive manner, you keep your tone calm and gentle.  If you have to repeat yourself, do so.  Think of a tree swaying in the wind of resistance, but remaining rooted in your wishes.
• Being clear and remaining rooted does not mean remaining stubborn.  Be willing to negotiate if you can.

 
When you need to preserve your self-esteem

• Be clear (to yourself and others) about your own values
• Be kind to yourself
• Remain open-hearted to others without forgetting your own heart

 
Life is so much easier when we are true to ourselves as much as we are true to other people.  We all need to be heard and understood, even if we don’t all agree.  The more we can strike a balance between our tasks, our relationships, and our own self-esteem, the healthier and happier our lives will be.
 
Find out more at www.exploretransform.com
 
Book an initial psychotherapy consultation today.
 
Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
 

​You wake up with the best of intentions, and then life happens:
 

• Your kids need you to come to their sporting event;
• Your boss needs you to cover him while he does goodness-knows-what;
• Your partner needs you to pick up a whatever-the-kids-will-eat on your way home;
• And the car won’t start.

 
You start the day with an open heart and a willing head, and yet you still end up feeling like a scrunched up ball of paper.  There are so many demands on your time that it seems inevitable that you will fail. 
 
But it doesn’t have to be this way.  Life can still pull you in different directions and leave you feeling like a success.  And the answer is by looking at your values.  Your values are helpful markings on the roadmap of your life, guiding you at every turn. 
 
When you next feel torn in several different directions, take a step back and assess what is most important to you.  Identify your values for each area of your life.  This might vary a little according to the context, but it shouldn’t vary dramatically.  We all have a rough idea about how we want each part of our lives to look like. 
 
I have set out below a grid for you to use to help identify your values.  For each area of your life (home life, wider family, friends, working life, etc) identify the following three things -
 
The vision - This is a generic statement about how you would like each area of our life to look like.  For example, you know that you want to be the type of parent who spends at least some time with your kids.  You want to be present in their lives, and you want them to know you are there if they really need you.  That is the vision. 
 
A vision realised – Then for each vision, identify tangible examples of how that vision might be realised.  This is the maximum that you need to do to really reflect this vision.  For example, being present in your daughter’s life might mean, at a maximum, checking in with her once a day, or watching 80% of her sporting events.  It is important to be clear on when this vision would be realised, because we can sometimes overdo things.  For example, we probably don’t need to be at every single one of her sporting events, or we don’t need to check in with her five times a day!  Having the comfort that we have done enough frees us up for other parts of our life, without the guilt.
 
The boundaries – Finally, for each vision, identify tangible examples of how that vision might be breached.  For example, if we attend less than one sporting event a month, this might mean we need to focus more time and energy on this vision.

​I hope you find this useful. If you do fill this out, and you realise there need to be changes in your life, you might need help working out how to achieve those changes. Get in contact today to find out how a therapist might help you with this.
 
Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist
www.exploretransform.com
 

Coming out is more common than you think.  People often assume that it is a one-time process, or reserved for the teenage years.  In reality, it is a perpetual process, and it is experienced by people of all ages.  I come out on a regular basis.  People make assumptions about my sexuality and gender identity, often because of my wedding ring and the fact that I am a father of two children.  So when they start to refer to a wife that does not exist, I have to clarify things.

As it is such a common process, here are a few tips to help if your loved one comes out –

• A person’s sexuality and gender identity is a personal matter.  If they choose to disclose information, show a willingness to engage in conversation.  Do not ask intrusive questions but instead follow their lead. 

• Know that sexuality and gender identity exist on a spectrum.  Distinct labels are less important than a person’s experience of their identity. To understand a person’s sexuality or gender identity is to understand it from their own words and the meanings they attach to experiences.  Although labels are a societal convenience they should not be used to deny a person’s individual experiences.

• Understand the trauma of discrimination.  On a day to day basis, we may experience discrimination on many different levels.  For example, we may experience
  • External discrimination in the form of harassment, hate crimes, termination from employment, verbal or physical assault.  According to the Human Rights Watch, 86% of transgender participants had experienced sexual or physical assault, career-related discrimination, school bullying and harassment, homelessness, relationship losses, and denial of medical services. 
  • This is the account of one parent of an LGBTQ youth who had been interviewed by the Human Rights Watch:  ‘My son was dragged down the lockers, called ‘gay’ and ‘fag’ and ‘queer,’ shoved into a locker, and picked up by his neck. And that was going on since sixth grade. They tried shoving him into a girl’s bathroom and said that he’s worthless and should be a girl.
  • Internal discrimination – in the form of internalized homophobia and/or transphobia (the adoption of negative societal attitudes as your own).

There is evidence that living with this discrimination can lead to symptoms similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

• Coming out sometimes involving grieving.  There are ignorant people in this world, and to come out sometimes means that you lose people you thought were friends or family.  You can even lose your livelihood or your home.  According to the Ali Forney Center, LGBTQ youth comprises 40% of the homeless youth population in New York.  This is why organizations such as the Ali Forney Center do such amazing work.  And even if someone has not been kicked out of their home, they may still have to suffer the loss of a friend or family member.  Room should be given to allow this person to grieve the loss of this person.

• To assume is to make an Ass out of U and ME.  Ever heard that phrase?  Well, the more you make assumptions about someone, the greater risk you run of making an ass of yourself.  If in doubt, ask.

• Sexuality and gender identity are two distinct concepts.  Sexuality is about who someone is attracted to, and gender identity is about who the person is.  The two are not necessarily linked, so a person can be genderqueer but straight, or they can be cisgender but queer in terms of their sexuality. 

• Understand the harmful myths of heteronormativity and cisnormativity.  One common experience of people who come out is that they are met with ignorance about the ‘default’ or the ‘norm’ or the ‘desired’ way to live.  Due to a lack of education or experience, some people operate under the myth that heterosexuality and/or being cis-gender (identifying with the label of ‘male’ or ‘female’ that they were given at birth) is somehow the ‘norm’.  And it can take its toll.  I will say again:  To assume is to make an ASS out of U and ME.

 
If you need to talk about coming out, sexuality or gender identity, get in contact today.  You can book online, and an initial telephone call is free.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
www.exploretransform.com
​

Emotional pain can get us into trouble: 

• We lash out at the people we love
• We detach from our emotions so much that we lose a sense of who we really are
• We try to numb our emotional pain with food, alcohol or drugs
• We throw ourselves into work in the hope that it might distract us from our pain

If you talk to a therapist about your emotional pain, one helpful task is to search for ways to regulate your emotions. Psychologist Marsha M Linehan claims there are four ways to do this.  What do you think of these suggestions?  –

1. Change the situation. 

Does your emotional pain fit the facts?  Are you viewing reality, or are you making assumptions?  If your emotions fit the facts, your emotions are communicating an important message: The situation needs to change, and so you need to engage in a bit of problem solving to make that change.  You may need the help of your therapist to figure out how you are going to achieve that change, and what you are going to do if you cannot make any changes. 
 
2.  Change your emotions. 
If your emotional pain does not fit the facts (for example, you are making assumptions about things you do not really know about, or your emotions are out of proportion), then the situation does not need to change.  Instead, you need to work on changing your emotions.  Your therapist can help you with this, and one approach is to focus on activating your ‘rest and digest’ system (your in-built relaxation device).  There are simple exercises, such as deep breathing and visualizations, that you can do to force your body into a more relaxed state – isn’t the human body an amazing work of art!
 
3.  Accept the status quo.  
If you cannot change the situation, and you cannot change your emotions, you may feel a little better by focusing on acceptance of the status quo.  This is not just accepting it in your mind. Instead, you use every part of your body and mind to radically accept that things currently cannot be any different.  For example, if you have to work alongside someone who really annoys the hell out of you, you can radically accept this person with every inch of your body; you force a smile, and force positive thoughts and emotions about this person, even if it feels completely unnatural.  The idea is that this gives you a sense of freedom, if nothing else. This reminds me of Viktor Frankl’s words:  “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:  the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
 
4.  Stay in emotional pain.
According to Marsha M Linehan, the final option is, of course, to do nothing and stay in your emotional pain.  That is your choice.
 
If you have been suffering and you need help with this, get in contact today.  A confidential initial telephone call is free, and you can book this online. 
 
Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
www.exploretransform.com

The Male Label is associated with an increased risk of harm.  This includes higher rates of - 

• Suicide (4 times more likely*)
• Trauma (61% have experienced at least one trauma***)
• Violence (90% of violent crimes are committed by the Male Labelled)**** 
• Substance abuse (the death rate for alcohol-induced death is 3.5 times higher**)
• Incarceration (93% of the prison population are Male Labelled*)

The reasons for this are complex, but one clear issue is the way we as a society condition people who have been given the Male Label (referred to here as 'the Male Labelled').

We expect the Male Labelled to remain - 

• Silent about emotional distress,
• Independent,
• Strong, and 
• Direct attention outward to external gain, rather than inwards to one's emotions, or to connection and relationship with others

Some healthcare professionals pathologize the Male Labebelled, perpetuating the myth that- 

• The Male Labelled are naturally aggressive and angry
• The Male Labelled do not experience depression.

As a result, some healthcare professionals fail to spot the symptoms of depression, and instead look to externalizing disorders such as conduct disorder and substance use disorders (APA 2018*).  These are examples of Gender Bias.

When Gender Bias is communicated in the form of the above-mentioned myths, the Male Labelled can end up failing to engage with the help they need (for example, if they view healthcare professionals such as therapists as only available for the Female Labelled).  Even worse, the Male Labelled might engage with healthcare professionals but still end up without adequate help because of the Gender Bias perpetuated by our society.   

One stark example of Gender Bias was demonstrated by research carried out by Sandra and John Condry.  They showed one set of participants a recording of a baby in distress, and they labelled the baby 'Male'.  This group of participants interpreted the baby's distress as anger and frustration.  The Condrys then showed the same recording of the same baby to a different group, labelling the baby 'Female'.  This group interpreted the baby's distress as sadness and fear.  Consider how differently society responds to perceived anger compared with perceived sadness and fear.

The likelihood of getting adequate help reduces considerably when the Male Label intersects with other aspects of a person's identity.  For example, if we consider a person's sexuality, true gender identity or ethnicity, we see that the lack of adequate help is further complicated by incidents of 

• Transphobia
• Homophobia or Biphobia, and 
• Racism

To label someone is a societal convenience, it does not always reflect reality.  We need to look beyond a person's labels and see their whole.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist
Book a free initial assessment online today
www.exploretransform.com

References
*Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men, American Psychological Association, 2018
**DHHS, 1993
***SAMHSA
****United States Department of Justice, 2011

Have you ever found yourself doing things that are harmful, and yet you keep doing them?  No matter how hard you struggle, there are parts of you that keep acting in a certain way; for example, your anger gets the better of you, or you get drunk yet again, or you cheat on your partner, or you spend weeks working late when you don't really need to.

You know the logic:  This behaviour is going to cause you problems.  Ordinarily, you would not choose to do this.  And yet a part of you continues to act in this way.

The part of you that continues this behaviour is like an errant family member.  You wish they would stop disrupting family gatherings, but they continue to do so.  And yet, you have to continue to live together as one big family.  

One solution is to try and understand why this family member acts in such a way.  The same can be said of the part of you that keeps exploding in anger, getting drunk, or doing other things that you don't want to do.  If we dig a little deeper, we will probably find a reason for this behaviour.  If we adopt this more understanding approach, we might be able to win over this errant part of us, as we might try to win over the errant family member.  For example, we might come to understand that this part of us overeats because it soothes us when we are anxious.  Or we might come to understand that the part of us that gets drunk is trying to numb the pain that we fear might overwhelm us. 

When we adopt a more compassionate approach, we see that these parts might have actually been trying to protect us.  And when we approach these parts in a compassionate manner, they might see that it is now not effective to continue behaving in this way.  In fact, we might be causing more harm to continue in this way.

This is an approach to psychotherapy called Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS), and an IFS therapist will help you to communicate with these protective parts.  The therapist will help you to get the parts to relax so that they can work out a more helpful way to respond to problems.  The most effective way to do this is to access what is called the Self; a compassionate, calmer and confident version of you.  The Self comprises eight elements -

1. Curiosity
2. Calm
3. Confidence
4. Connectedness
5. Clarity
6. Creativity
7. Courage
8. Compassion

When you let the Self lead the way, you develop a calm, compassionate way of viewing your life.  In time, you find that you can heal yourself, and ultimately make smarter choices.

If you would like to find out more about how psychotherapy can help with your life choices, get in touch.  Book your free initial telephone call online today.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist
www.exploretransform.com

Feeling stressed?  Try Progressive Relaxation.

Developed by Edmund Jacobson (as long ago as 1908!), this simple exercise helps you to relieve stress which can be held in the body as well as the mind.

Book online, email, or telephone us to find out more about Progressive Relaxation, the symptoms of stress, and strategies for stress management.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC 
www.exploretransform.com