Ever heard of the ‘tyranny of the shoulds’ ? Psychoanalyst Karen Horney coined the phrase, and it is an unhelpful thought pattern that we can all end up using if we are not careful. We have ideas about how we should (or must) live, and how others should respond to us, and how society as a whole should be. When our expectations do not match reality, and we hold on too tightly to these shoulds, we can end up alienating others because we appear like a petulant child making impossible demands. Alternatively, if we stay silent about how we think things should be, we can end up feeling like we have been taken advantage of, which can leave us feeling devalued. Either way, our depression intensifies. 

So what can we do about this?

1. Flex like a yoga instructor.  Studies show that our mental health can improve when we have social contact, so we need other people. Dopamine levels increase (our feel-good chemical), we learn more about ourselves and other people, and we gain more through cooperation. However, what we bring to these interactions may make things better or worse, depending on how tightly we hold onto these expectations. Adopt a more flexible attitude, and really assess: How essential are these 'shoulds' and 'musts', or are they more of a 'nice to have, and I will survive if they don't happen'?
2. The why, not just the what.  Okay, there may be some 'shoulds' and 'musts' that really need to happen. If this is the case, communicate why this is important to you. That takes confidence, so you may need to practice a bit of mindful breathing before you approach this conversation (there are plenty of mindfulness and meditation exercises here), but the more upfront you are about the reasons why these requirements are so important to you, the less you are going to come across as The Controlling One.
3. Have you communicated your needs clearly enough?  I can't tell you how many clients tell me about conflict with people they care about, and when we explore it a little, they realize that they have been making a whole load of assumptions about what the other person is thinking, or what they intended by certain actions or comments. Even if you think that you have communicated your needs clearly, and even if you think you know what is in the other person's mind, check it out with them.
4. Assertive communication is the bedrock of any sense of self-esteem, and any healthy interaction.  Many people fail to grasp what assertive communication really is. It is the opposite of aggressive or manipulative behavior.  Examples of assertive communication include:  In the face of opposition, offer a clear, calm repetition instead of an apology; keep statements succinct; resist the need to over-explain; practice the skill of saying no.
5. If we don’t know, how is the other person going to understand?  Before we make demands of the other person, perhaps we need to spend a little time on self-awareness.  We might not know why something is so important to us, why we cannot bear to see the dishes piled up in the sink, for instance.  It would be helpful to take a step back and really understand what is going on.  The stress or anxiety, or the pit of dread dragging down the center of our stomach, might be less about the dishes and more about our need for control.  Or perhaps we interpret the dishes left as a sign that our partner does not care about us.  Is this more about us or the other person?  Perhaps a little of both, but until we know about our own processes, we cannot really understand the other person’s, let alone agree a way forward.

I hope you find this helpful.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC 
Psychotherapist and Licensed Professional Counselor
​in New Jersey & Maine
+1 (201) 779-6917
www.exploretransform.com

It is great to work with clients and see how they heal and grow. Unlike other professions, I cannot share any positive feedback from clients but I can share with you some of the kind words offered by my colleagues in mental health - 

“Chris is an accomplished therapist with extensive experience. I am grateful to have Chris in my network of mental health professionals.”
Dr. Shavar Chase, Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner, DNP, PMHNP-, BC
 
"Chris is discerning, wise, and warm. Important combination not always found in one therapist!"
Leigh Polin, Clinical Social Work/Therapist, MSW, LCSW
 
"Chris is extremely dedicated to helping others, and his caring is matched by his skill."
Jill Fellner, Clinical Social Work/Therapist, LCSW
 
"Chris is a stellar therapist! His compassion and clinical expertise provide the best environment to support client growth and healing."
Pamela Brodie, Psychologist, PhD, LPC
 
"Chris Warren-Dickins is especially well-prepared to deal with patients who have experienced trauma. Contact him directly for more information about this challenging area."
Suzanne Saldarini, Licensed Professional Counselor, MA, LPC, NCPsyA

Explore Transform LLC
Counseling and Psychotherapy in New Jersey and Maine
www.exploretransform.com

​As a survivor of trauma, it is not a coherent story that needs to be told but a nervous system that needs to be rebalanced. Trauma can leave us feeling too much or too little, hypervigilant or shutdown, alarms burning throughout our every nerve, or ice-cold, numbed and flattened.
 
So, when you meet with your trauma therapist, they will help you to become curious about what is unspoken and felt as much as what might be verbalized. That is why EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy) is particularly effective for trauma, because you do not need to retell the story of your trauma. Unlike other approaches to counseling and psychotherapy, which often make use of the rational brain, what is involved with trauma, and therefore the healing process, includes parts of the brain that cannot rationalize, that cannot verbalize.
 
Trauma is a felt sense (often of overwhelm), and so healing is also a felt sense. When you start to heal, the nervous system can feel balanced again, and your bodily responses are proportionate and appropriate. Until then, the slightest thing can trigger your nervous system: A smell, a sound, the sight of something, the touch or taste of something; any of these can make past very much present.
 
When past is present, your brain’s alarm system becomes activated, and you fight, flee, freeze, or fawn. These are protective modes because your nervous system senses that it is unsafe. Your rational brain might disagree, but it has gone offline for a while, so you are not able to connect with someone, focus on your work, engage with your children, or enjoy that long-awaited holiday.
 
Awareness is a really big step in trauma therapy. Just to understand your body and mind a little bit more can allow for self-compassion, which is a great healer in itself. Once you know why you are sweating so much, or shaking, or you have a blank mind, or your partner seems distant, it can be really helpful to go a bit more gently with yourself. Another important part of going gently is to accept what is going on, with a sense of curiosity and compassion. Our brain and body is functioning in a certain way for a very good reason, so once we are aware of how it functions, we must accept that this is what it is doing. Only when we are accepting of ourselves can we hope for change, but change must be gradual and gentle. If we don’t go gently, we can end up re-traumatizing ourselves.
 
Going gently can involve a concept Peter Levine called pendulation; we pendulate between, or dip in and out of, the activated parts of our body as we become more familiar with how our body and mind is responding to these triggers. To pendulate, we need resources to keep our nervous system balanced. A trauma therapist will help you discover resources you already have, or help you to create new ones. By resources, we mean experiences when you have felt safe and calm. As an EMDR therapist, I use slow eye movements to reinforce those resource experiences.
 
Taking that first step and meeting with a trauma therapist can seem daunting. Why should we trust someone we barely even know? But the good thing about trust is that it is something that is earned over time, it is not a given, simply because of someone’s job title, professional experience, or even the broadness of their smile on their website. Go gently and listen to your body and mind. There may be questions you want answered before you disclose anything, and you might want to check that they are affirming and validating as they claim to be.
 
Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Explore Transform LLC
Counseling and Psychotherapy in New Jersey and Maine
www.exploretransform.com
 

Invalidation of emotions really sucks. Invalidation sends a message that the emotions are not heard, and so this can result in the emotions being escalated. Example: ‘You shouldn’t feel like that because no one else does.’ Your emotions are valid, whether people hear or understand them
 
No?  The half of me that has Scottish heritage is crying inside.  The point is that, contrary to the song’s message, we don’t have to split up and make life a race to the finish.  Could we not take a path that is some place halfway between the high and low roads?  In other words, we could try one of those crucial relationship-cementing C-words:  compromise.
 
Neither party should silence the other, and even if a decision is made by one person, they need to at least consider the other person’s thoughts and emotions.  To form a relationship with one of your travel companions, you do not have to surrender your individuality, any more than you should demand this of someone else.  This is, after all, a relationship, and not a power grab.
 
To compromise in a relationship means that you are communicating respect for that other person’s thoughts and emotions.  It does not mean that you have to agree with what they think or how they feel, but you should at least respect that these are their experiences.  Compromise allows space for the thoughts and emotions of your travel companions. 
 
Some refer to this as validation, and when it does not take place, it can lead to a whole avalanche of scary consequences.  If you grew up in a household where your caregivers did not understand the concept of compromise, where your thoughts and emotions were constantly invalidated 
 
You can end up pursuing more unbalanced, unhealthy relationships where there is a glaring lack of compromise, and your thoughts and emotions are invalidated on a daily basis.
You can end up trying to express those thoughts and emotions through other, less helpful, means, such as

• excessive work
• binge eating
• excessive alcohol
• drug-taking
• self-harm
• suicidal ideation
• and many more destructive patterns.

 
As a result, your travel companions are even less likely to strike a compromise with you (not least because you have scared the living daylights out of them with this scary behavior).  And so you become invalidated again.

If any of this resonates with you, and you need to speak to an experienced psychotherapist, get in contact today.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC 
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood (NJ), and author 
+1 (201) 779-6917
www.exploretransform.com

Explore Transform LLC offers a tailor-made counseling and psychotherapy service in New Jersey, Maine, and the United Kingdom. Since the pandemic, we have operated fully online via a confidential video portal (teletherapy).  In order to offer you an exceptional level of service, we have chosen to remain out of network.  ​

We are committed to adopting an inclusive, person-centered approach to our psychotherapy and counseling service. We also recognize our privilege (and inevitable bias) and how this might influence our worldview. ​We are invested in continuously working to address this privilege and bias.

Our lead clinician, Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC, is an experienced psychotherapist (Licensed Professional Counselor) in New Jersey, Maine, and the United Kingdom.

Chris specializes in anxiety, depression, and trauma. Chris makes regular use of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR), and they also integrate Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

​​No matter the approach, at the core of Chris' work is a person-centered perspective; this means that they will work hard to understand you, placing your voice at center-stage.

Fun facts about Chris:
Chris started out life as an attorney in the UK, and since then, Chris has been awarded a Masters in Counseling & Psychotherapy in 2010 (University of East London).  That same year, Chris published research into male experiences of suicidal ideation and counseling interventions.
More recently, in 2021 and 2022, Chris published two mental health books on depression, anxiety, and trauma, and Chris is currently working on a third.
Aside from psychotherapy, their true passion is being a parent to two elementary-aged children.
Chris finds that writing and parenting complement their approach to psychotherapy and counseling, as we are all continuously in a state of growth and change. 

Chris' work is greatly influenced by:
Irvin D. Yalom, Dan Siegel, Jamie Marich, Jim Knipe, and Stephen Porges.

Chris' roles and memberships- 

• Licensed in New Jersey and Maine as a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) (a psychotherapist)​
• Member - EMDR International Association (EMDRIA)
• Member - EMDR Institute​
• ​Member - American Counseling Association (ACA)
• Member - New Jersey Counseling Association (NJCA)

Get in touch today. We would love to hear from you.

Explore Transform LLC
www.exploretransform.com