Stress, anxiety, and the breaking of one's spirit

It is okay to live under a little bit of pressure, because we all need this to keep going.  But too much pressure can lead to stress, which means to burn out, or to break. 

​Stress can show itself in a number of different ways, but the common symptoms include racing thoughts (or even a blank mind), palpitations, nausea, tightness in the chest, and breathlessness.  We all know that stress is unhealthy, we do not need to go into that.  But if we work, and if we have children to care for, it is not always realistic to expect to have time to put our own needs first.  This is especially so if we are working in a busy city where overcrowding is an issues.  What makes things worse for us city-dwelling working parents, studies have found that people who work or live in cities are at greater risk of developing mental health issues (for example, The current status of urban-rural differences in psychiatric disorders, Peen J, Schoevers RA, Beekman AT, Dekker J).

Sometimes a huge step towards stress reduction is realism.  If we are realistic with what we can achieve, then the weight of expectation is instantly lifted.  We might hope to achieve some sort of ‘downtime’, but if we limp towards the weekend without a moment to stop, then that should not be viewed as another failure.  There may be things we can change, but we have to accept that sometimes we have set things up in a way for a particular reason.

Instead of jumping straight into relaxation exercises or mindfulness, we first need to understand what makes us tick, or to use another phrase, we need to understand our process.  Our ‘process’ includes the following - 

• The assumptions we make about us, our loved ones, and the world around us.  Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy, stated that there are three basic assumptions that cause stress:
  • Assumptions about the world (for example, the world must be a fair place),
  • Assumptions about others (for example, others must be kind and fair to me), and
  • Assumptions about ourselves (for example, I must be hard working and successful)

Once we change these assumptions, or ‘must’ statements into preferences (for example, ‘I would like to be successful’ rather than ‘I must be successful’), then, if things do not work out as planned, this can de-awfulise the situation, and alleviate the stress.
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• Our ‘process’ also includes
  • Our values, which essentially means what we view as important in life,
  • Our triggers (for example, we might tend to get stressed about work more than home life),
  • Our relationships (how we view the quality of our relationships, and how we tend to relate to people), and
  • How we regulate our emotions, and whether we have certain tendencies (for example, we might tend to be more anxious or depressed than others).

Once we understand our process, we have more information to see why we might be how we are.  We can then adopt a kinder voice when things don’t necessarily go to plan.  For example, if you fail to find time for yourself, perhaps this is as a result of choices you have made, and those choices have been informed by your values.  Once you change a perceived failure into a choice, life feels more in control than before.
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Then there are the blind spots.  We may feel like we have no time whatsoever, but perhaps we are not looking hard enough.  Time to unwind, to practice mindfulness or just be in the moment, can be a few minutes each day.  It could be that we use part of the journey into work, or a moment on the toilet, just to stop our minds racing, and check in with what is happening in that moment.  What are we aware of?  Are we short of breath?  Are our minds racing round corners of future uncertainty?  We do not have to achieve anything in that moment other than just to stop.  And sometimes that can be enough.  If not, perhaps it can give us a little more space to realise what we do need.
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There are plenty more ways to combat stress, and perhaps you have encountered some of these.  I have set out below a handful of tips, and I have also included a very simple relaxation exercise.  The key point to take away from this is forgiveness.  If you manage to remember a few of these tips every now and again, brilliant.  The worst thing you can do is use these to beat yourself up, adding further stress with the idea that you are somehow failing –

• Ask for help when you need it.
• Be flexible whenever you can.
• Be clear what being assertive involves, and practice it when you can.  I have set out below a link to my assertiveness article.
• Don’t try to tackle a project but approach each task in turn.
• Make use of your calendar.  You can never get through your ‘to do’ list in one go, so perhaps schedule certain days for certain tasks.
• Try not to blame others.
• Be open to feedback (giving and receiving).

Quick and easy relaxation exercise  –

• Make some space in your day, whether that is a few minutes, five or fifteen.  Just knowing that you have that space can help with the relaxation process, because you can look forward to it when you are busy.
• During that time period –
  • Breathe in gently and hold your breath for a few seconds.
  • Breathe out so that you can hear the exhalation of your breath.  Notice the breath as it goes out. Is it cool or hot, is it strong or weak?  Make no assumptions about it but just notice it.
  • Breathe in again and hold for a few seconds.
  • Again, breathe out and notice the exhalation.
  • Repeat for your allocated time.

Find out more today.

Chris Warren-Dickins, LLB MA LPC
​Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com
References

• The current status of urban-rural differences in psychiatric disorders.  Peen J, Schoevers RA, Beekman AT, Dekker J. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19624573
• The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle

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