Adult survivors of narcissistic parents

As a society, we tend to assume that all parents love their children, but narcissistic parents exist. Too often the narcissist presents an image of devotion to the wider public, and yet behind closed doors, the child is subjected to emotional and physical abuse.

It would be terrifying for a child to acknowledge that this parent, who is supposed to feed and shelter the child, actually cares only for their own self-image, and not the child. Instead, the child makes sense of the parent's bewildering (and contradictory) behaviour with the use of self-blame.

It is common for the narcissistic parent to recruit 'rescuers' in the form of other family members, turning these family members against the child by portraying them as a 'persecutor' against the 'victim' narcissistic parent.  This ‘triangulation’ is known as Karpman’s Drama Triangle.

Often it is years later, when that child has grown into an adult, can they accept that they were the victim of narcissistic parental abuse. But acknowledging this is just the first step. 
 

• Let go, they were never yours in the first place – A narcissistic parent never wanted you in the first place, they wanted a mirror-image of them.  So you were set up to fail.  Acknowledging this can be extremely painful at first, but eventually, it frees you from ever needing them again.  You are not losing relationship, or letting go of something, because it was never yours in the first place.
• Healing from the abuse takes time.  This is a complicated process and will take time. Sometimes this involves removing them from your life, sometimes this involves keeping them in your life but with certain boundaries enforced, and sometimes this involves forgiveness, but in other cases, this is not an option.  Every case is different, but the common theme is that you need to find agency over your life.  A narcissistic parent has abused you by trying to take control of your life; they are only interested in their own reflection, not your thoughts or feelings, so they will have spent years trying to force you to relinquish power and accept their control over you.  Take that back.
• Hand the shame back to the abuser.  It may be embarrassing to acknowledge that your parent is still alive but they choose not to see you (or maybe you have chosen not to remain in contact with them), what they did is shameful, and so the shame is theirs to carry, not yours. 
• Forge new connections.  Your narcissistic parent wanted to isolate you from other family members, and maybe friends also.  This was their way of keeping control over you.  Don’t suffer alone, because that can breed a sense of shame.  Remember, the shame rests with your abuser.  Try and reconnect with the family members that were turned against you.  You can try and correct any misinformation your narcissistic parent inevitably spread.  But if this is not an option, try and create your own sense of family, even if that is with close friends.

 
Help is available, but you need to choose carefully. Make sure whoever you talk to (whether it is therapist or friend) listens to your actual words, and not their own preconceived notions.  We all have our own assumptions about parents and parenting, so you need to find unbiased help that will see you for you.  And not their own reflection.
 
​Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), New Jersey (USA) and the UK
www.exploretransform.com
+1-201-779-6917
chris@exploretransform.com​