Emotional pain - What helps?

Emotional pain can get us into trouble: 

• We lash out at the people we love
• We detach from our emotions so much that we lose a sense of who we really are
• We try to numb our emotional pain with food, alcohol or drugs
• We throw ourselves into work in the hope that it might distract us from our pain

If you talk to a therapist about your emotional pain, one helpful task is to search for ways to regulate your emotions. Psychologist Marsha M. Linehan claims there are four ways to do this.  What do you think of these suggestions?  –

1. Change the situation. 

Does your emotional pain fit the facts?  Are you viewing reality, or are you making assumptions?  If your emotions fit the facts, your emotions are communicating an important message: The situation needs to change, and so you need to engage in a bit of problem-solving to make that change.  You may need the help of your therapist to figure out how you are going to achieve that change, and what you are going to do if you cannot make any changes. 
 
2.  Change your emotions. 
If your emotional pain does not fit the facts (for example, you are making assumptions about things you do not really know about, or your emotions are out of proportion), then the situation does not need to change.  Instead, you need to work on changing your emotions.  Your therapist can help you with this, and one approach is to focus on activating your ‘rest and digest’ system (your in-built relaxation device).  There are simple exercises, such as deep breathing and visualizations, that you can do to force your body into a more relaxed state – isn’t the human body an amazing work of art!
 
3.  Accept the status quo.  
If you cannot change the situation, and you cannot change your emotions, you may feel a little better by focusing on acceptance of the status quo.  This is not just accepting it in your mind. Instead, you use every part of your body and mind to radically accept that things currently cannot be any different.  For example, if you have to work alongside someone who really annoys the hell out of you, you can radically accept this person with every inch of your body; you force a smile, and force positive thoughts and emotions about this person, even if it feels completely unnatural.  The idea is that this gives you a sense of freedom if nothing else. This reminds me of Viktor Frankl’s words:  “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:  the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
 
4.  Stay in emotional pain.
According to Marsha M Linehan, the final option is, of course, to do nothing and stay in your emotional pain.  That is your choice.
 
If you have been suffering and you need help with this, get in contact today.  A confidential initial telephone call is free, and you can book this online. 
 
Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com