Ever heard of the ‘tyranny of the shoulds’ ? Psychoanalyst Karen Horney coined the phrase, and it is an unhelpful thought pattern that we can all end up using if we are not careful. We have ideas about how we should (or must) live, and how others should respond to us, and how society as a whole should be. When our expectations do not match reality, and we hold on too tightly to these shoulds, we can end up alienating others because we appear like a petulant child making impossible demands. Alternatively, if we stay silent about how we think things should be, we can end up feeling like we have been taken advantage of, which can leave us feeling devalued. Either way, our depression intensifies. 

So what can we do about this?

1. Flex like a yoga instructor.  Studies show that our mental health can improve when we have social contact, so we need other people. Dopamine levels increase (our feel-good chemical), we learn more about ourselves and other people, and we gain more through cooperation. However, what we bring to these interactions may make things better or worse, depending on how tightly we hold onto these expectations. Adopt a more flexible attitude, and really assess: How essential are these 'shoulds' and 'musts', or are they more of a 'nice to have, and I will survive if they don't happen'?
   
2. The why, not just the what.  Okay, there may be some 'shoulds' and 'musts' that really need to happen. If this is the case, communicate why this is important to you. That takes confidence, so you may need to practice a bit of mindful breathing before you approach this conversation (there are plenty of mindfulness and meditation exercises here), but the more upfront you are about the reasons why these requirements are so important to you, the less you are going to come across as The Controlling One.
   
3. Have you communicated your needs clearly enough?  I can't tell you how many clients tell me about conflict with people they care about, and when we explore it a little, they realize that they have been making a whole load of assumptions about what the other person is thinking, or what they intended by certain actions or comments. Even if you think that you have communicated your needs clearly, and even if you think you know what is in the other person's mind, check it out with them.
4. Assertive communication is the bedrock of any sense of self-esteem, and any healthy interaction.  Many people fail to grasp what assertive communication really is. It is the opposite of aggressive or manipulative behavior.  Examples of assertive communication include:  In the face of opposition, offer a clear, calm repetition instead of an apology; keep statements succinct; resist the need to over-explain; practice the skill of saying no.
5. If we don’t know, how is the other person going to understand?  Before we make demands of the other person, perhaps we need to spend a little time on self-awareness.  We might not know why something is so important to us, why we cannot bear to see the dishes piled up in the sink, for instance.  It would be helpful to take a step back and really understand what is going on.  The stress or anxiety, or the pit of dread dragging down the center of our stomach, might be less about the dishes and more about our need for control.  Or perhaps we interpret the dishes left as a sign that our partner does not care about us.  Is this more about us or the other person?  Perhaps a little of both, but until we know about our own processes, we cannot really understand the other person’s, let alone agree a way forward.

I hope you find this helpful.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC 
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood (NJ), and author of Beyond the Blue
+1 (201) 779-6917
www.exploretransform.com

​More and more people are experiencing burnout. I do not need to point to the contributing factors, you just have to turn on the news, but I do need to point out the significance of burnout to the way your brain functions.
 
You can recognize burnout via a whole range of symptoms, and these are just some for you to think about: An apathy for the things that you once cared about, a sense of exhaustion, and an overall negative outlook.
 
Why you should care about burnout
There is a worrying trend amongst some to wear burnout as a badge of honor. They confuse the terms ‘grit and resilience’ with ‘burnout’, and so they shut off the warning signs that tell you that you need to rest. Eventually, you will cause harm to your mind and body, and ultimately this has a negative impact on all the things that you hold dear.

Burnout should be taken more seriously because research shows that it can thin the gray matter of your prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain that is responsible for important functions such as reasoning and decision-making), and it can enlarge the amygdala (the brain’s alarm system). As a result, our alarm system goes into overdrive, sensing threat when there is none, and we are less able to mediate this heightened state with cool, calming reason.

When our amygdala is in overdrive, this activates the sympathetic nervous system, our ‘fight-or-flight’ response, and this can lead to excess production of cortisol (the stress hormone). There is plenty of research to show the health implications for excessive cortisol levels, including increased blood pressure, diabetes, and heart disease.
 
What you can do
Any attempts to calm the amygdala will help to reduce burnout. This can be tackled on a couple of different fronts – your body, by activating your parasympathetic nervous system (your natural rest and digest state), and your thought process, by challenging the short-circuited thought patterns that lead to these heightened states of stress.

In terms of your parasympathetic nervous system, you can activate this through various different methods, including simple breathing exercises or calming visualizations. I have set out some exercises on this page, so try each and start to repeat (on a daily basis) the ones you enjoy.

In terms of your short-circuited thought patterns, try to watch for assumptions or beliefs that might trigger the amygdala. For example, you have been working late and you see your boss talking to HR. By assuming that they are talking about you, you are personalizing the situations and jumping to conclusions. They could be talking about a whole range of issues other than you. You are also catastrophizing, because even if they are talking about you, you are assuming it will lead to something bad, such as losing your job. You need to calm your mind by looking for evidence against this, such as a recent positive performance review, or the fact that the Great Resignation has left companies currently desperate to keep their employees.

A key component to all of this is to adopt a compassionate tone to your self-talk. Throughout my years as a psychotherapist, I have found this to be one of the most underrated factors in recovery from burnout. When we judge ourselves, we end up feeling even more alienated, and this serves to worsen the symptoms of burnout. The first step to recovery is to recognize how much pressure we have been experiencing, and adopt a kind, compassionate voice, talking to ourselves as if we were talking to a young child. When we can direct compassion inwards, we are in a better position to then direct that compassion outwards, and learn to connect with, and help, other people.

There is no better antidote to the cynicism and apathy that burnout can create than recognizing some sort of good that we have thrown out into this challenging world.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC 
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood (NJ), and author of Beyond the Blue
+1 (201) 779-6917
www.exploretransform.com

Just when we thought things were calming down with the COVID pandemic, we are faced with the prospect of another world war.
We might not have the option to avoid chaos, but we have a choice over how we respond to it.
 
Chaos can hijack your senses, making you feel trapped. Day after day of uncertainty can leave your head spinning, and yet you can give yourself freedom by focusing on each breath.
As you notice each breath, your parasympathetic nervous system takes over, and you can feel free to settle into a moment of calm.
 
There are some who thrive on these world events, and they may breathlessly catch you up with every painful update.
You have every right to calmly, kindly say no, and ask for a little break from the subject. You can do the same by temporarily disconnecting from social media.
 
Mindfulness is about gaining distance from the chaos.
You can do this by focusing on your breathing, and simply noticing each thought, feeling, and bodily sensation that emerges.
This distance gives you the choice about how to respond, rather than to react impulsively.
 
I hope you found this useful.
 
Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC 
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood (NJ), and author of Beyond the Blue
+1 (201) 779-6917
www.exploretransform.com
​

The right kind of human connection includes assertiveness, which could be described as walking your own path, not treading on toes.  
 
Assertiveness falls in the middle of these two extremes:
 
Aggression – An attempt to dominate others without respecting their rights or boundaries.
 
Passivity – A failure to communicate one’s needs, or to allow others to encroach on your boundaries.  This could be the result of fear, or an inability to assert one’s rights, but it could also be an attempt to manipulate someone.
 
Sort of like love, you know assertiveness when you see and feel it.  I often find that looking at the way we speak can help to identify what is, and what is not, assertiveness.
 
Aggression – “I will leave you if you work late tonight.”
           
Assertiveness – “I feel lonely when you come home late from work.”
           
Passivity – “Fine, work late, see if I care” (when they really do care).

Assertiveness may have magical results for your relationships, but there is no mystery about assertiveness.

To be assertive, you simply need to follow these guidelines
 
Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC 
Psychotherapist and author of Beyond the Blue
+1 (201) 779-6917
www.exploretransform.com