Wedding buzz killed off by living under a tyranny of ‘shoulds’?  Relationships often transform once the initial excitement has subsided.  You can be left with a bitter aftertaste if you expect life, and everyone living in it, to be a certain way.  This is known as the 'tyranny of shoulds':  He should think about my feelings before he stays out late.  She should know that I need time to myself.  
 
We all have needs, and so the 'shoulds' are an attempt to communicate these needs.  But your needs are more likely to be met if you consider these three things:
            

1. Communication comes across better in a less mandatory way.  If you replace 'you should' with 'I would like it if you could...' it sounds as if there is more wriggle room for the other person.  As a result, it is less likely that their defences will be up, and they are more likely to listen.
2. If your partner is listening, rather than defending a perceived attack, they are more likely to hear how important this is to you, and why it is important.
3. With more wriggle room for the both of you, there is the chance that your partner might also communicate their needs in response.  Once you have heard your partner's perspective, you might end up altering your position.
   
   

I hope that you find this helpful.  Do get in touch if you would like to discuss any of this in more detail.
 
This is part of the Relationships Toolkit, and this can be found at http://www.exploretransform.com/relationships.html
 
Chris Warren-Dickins BACP Registered Counsellor
E:  chris@exploretransform.com
T:  07816681154
W:  www.exploretransform.com
​

The bully at work:  He might sit right next to you, breathing down your neck as you read this, or she might be the person who conducts your performance review.  It is easy to spot the snarling, curled lip spite of a bully because we daily dodge them during our commute as they shoulder us out the way. We have been ducking and diving out of their way since the school playground.

However, unlike the school playground bully from our past, or the shoulder-shover on the train this morning, there is no escape from the work bully.  We can hold our breath for a train journey, but to face a work bully for the entire day, every working day, can sometimes be more than we can endure. Changing jobs is drastic, and sometimes not even an option, especially in this fragile economy.  We have all heard the statistics about lost work days due to stress, anxiety and depression.  So what can we do to withstand this?  If we cannot change what is happening to us, perhaps we can look at ways to strengthen our resolve.  To befriend the bully from within.

As I am an integrative psychotherapist, I work with clients to find the approach that suits them.  You might find one or more of the following approaches might be useful to befriend the bully from within –

Karpman’s drama triangle (Transactional Analysis)
Bullying can be an act of overt or passive aggression.  In addition, as situations are often fluid, we adopt different roles in response to different circumstances.  As a result, the ‘bully’ label is often not fixed.  Only the honest amongst us can admit that we all have the potential to become a bully at certain points in our lives.  Just as any one of us can adopt the role of ‘victim’ or ‘rescuer’.

A concept from Transactional Analysis is Karpman’s drama triangle:  In social situations we can sometimes adopt one of the following roles:  Persecutor, Victim or Rescuer.  If one person is leaning in one direction (for example, they are becoming a Victim), that can often make others appear as if they are adopting one of the other roles (they are becoming the Persecutor or the Rescuer).  As a result, people perceive each other in terms of these contrasting roles, without recognising that we have elements of each in all of us.

By adopting one of these roles, there is often a payoff.  If we become the Victim, for example, we might be protected by a Rescuer in our life.  We do not have to go to the effort of rescuing ourselves.  If we adopt the role of Persecutor, we do not have to accept the pain of recognising that we all have vulnerabilities.  Our tendency to adopt one of these roles can often be subconscious, so it is hard to challenge this alone, but the more we recognise that these roles exist, the more likely we are to challenge this, and avoid viewing a situation in such a simplistic way as consisting of a Persecutor (or ‘bully’), a Victim and a Rescuer.

To view the ‘bully’ as a whole person, rather than simply the Persecutor – 

• See the workplace bully as someone who is probably acting in fear. Aggression, whether it is overt or passive, is born of fear, so if we just see the aggressive behaviour, we have missed a trick.
• A bully often feels inferior, and so their behaviour is a way of managing that perceived inferiority.
• When you interact with the workplace bully, make eye contact and remain civil, even if the bully has descended into childishness

 
‘Pain’ Management (Mindfulness; Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)
To befriend the bully, we need to learn how to tolerate the discomfort.  I have worked with clients who have been living with a physical condition which causes them chronic pain, and together we have tried out the following suggestions that you might like to try to manage the ‘pain’ this bully causes you –

• Enter into the ‘pain’. Really tune into the thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations this bully evokes in you.  Become aware of, and accept, what is, rather than trying to ignore it, or fear the future uncertain.  Try to be specific when you describe these experiences, but at the same time recognise these thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations as simply thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations.  If you allow yourself to experience a distance from these, you may be able to see that they are often temporary.  They are not the whole of you.
• If entering the ‘pain’ seems overwhelming, anchor yourself in the moment by focusing on your breath. Allow thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations to come and go, but keep returning your attention to each breath.  Ask yourself ‘How uncomfortable is it right now?’ rather than fearing the future uncertain.
• Manage your expectations. It is probably unrealistic to expect to never suffer any ‘pain’ from this bully, and so you will set yourself up for disappointment.
• Caricaturise the bully. In the privacy of your own home, draw him with distorted features and give him a comedic name.  This can offer you distance from his aggression. 
• You can try all sorts of affirming statements including: I am choosing to go to work today.  I have strength to withstand this situation.  There is more to me than my working life. 
• Give yourself space when you need it. This can even be in a toilet cubicle, or a refreshing walk during a lunch break
• Give yourself a few minutes each day to stop and become aware of your breathing, letting thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations come and go without resistance or challenge
• When you leave work, try as much as you can to leave it behind. Change your clothes when you return home, and resist working at home.

 
Assertiveness (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)
Whether it is the person who is perceived to be the ‘bully’, or the person perceived to be the ‘victim’, either party may feel that the situation has arisen because either party has an issue with assertiveness.  No one is assertive all the time, so to assess how assertive you are in a situation, ask yourself:  ‘How much do I act on other people’s wishes at the cost of my own?’  If you are frequently doing this, and it is causing you difficulties in your life, you may need to consider working on your assertiveness.
​
Assertiveness includes the ability to ask for something but also the ability to say no.  Consider the following points when you think about times you have asked the work bully for something, or when you have had to say no to him –

• Watch for inappropriate smiles or apologies
• Keep it brief, speak clearly and confidently
• If you are unsure, if you feel unable to answer immediately, ask for more information. If you are still unsure, state clearly that you will need to think about this and you will come back to him with an answer at a later date
• If you have given your view and the work bully keeps asking the same question, trying to force you to change your mind, consider yourself like a strong old tree swaying in the wind: Simply repeat your point without changing it.  You can empathise with the work bully’s position without having to alter your own position in any way:  For example, ‘I understand you are under pressure to have an answer today but, based on the information I have at the moment, I will not be able to offer you an answer today.  I will, however, come back to you first thing tomorrow with an answer’. 
• Don’t use the phrase ‘I cannot’ when you mean ‘I will not’
• Avoid blaming others

This article is part of the Explore & Transform Work Issues Toolkit.  To read more articles, please visit http://www.exploretransform.com/work-issues.html 
 
Chris Warren-Dickins BACP Registered Counsellor
E:  chris@exploretransform.com
T:  07816681154
W:  www.exploretransform.com
​

​​‘I don't want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave.’  In her novel ‘Cat’s Eye’, this is how Margaret Atwood describes depression.  As a psychotherapist, I have worked with a number of clients who have worked through their depression, and Atwood’s description is spot on.  

Someone who is depressed will often find himself caught in the following double-bind –

• He assumes that there will be a negative outcome to most situations, and
• He assumes that he is inadequate or deficient.

As a result, if something negative does happen, this simply proves his assumption that he is inadequate or deficient.  Trapped in this double-bind, he does not have the ‘escape clause’ that other conditions offer:  For example, if someone with OCD follows a routine, they will find relief from the anxiety.  With depression, it often feels like there is no end to the ‘sluggish wave’.

The World Health Organization predicts that by 2030 depression will be the ‘leading cause of disease burden’ worldwide (‘The increasing burden of depression’, Jean-Pierre Lepine and Mike Briley). In the UK it is reported that one in five people become depressed at some point in their lives (Royal College of Psychiatrists), and so it is very common.  Sadly, not enough people talk about having experienced it, and so there is often an element of shame attached to it.

If someone is experiencing depression, they may find that they are helped by –

• Talking to a trained expert , and/or
• Seeking a prescription of anti-depressants from their GP.

If a person with depression decides to talk to a trained expert, one of the approaches is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).  This is the approach recommended by NICE, but there is some debate about whether this is the only approach that is useful.  As I am an integrative psychotherapist, I would work with the client to make choices about how to work through their depression.  These choices would be informed by the client, the presenting issue, and any current research. 

Whichever approach we choose, I always work from a person-centred core.  This means that I listen actively to the client, paraphrasing their experiences back so that they know they are understood.  I do not make assumptions and instead I work hard to understand the client’s meanings (for example, what he means by ‘depressed’ and how this impacts on his life).  Sometimes just having the magnitude of one’s feelings acknowledged can be healing in itself.  But sometimes this is not enough, and so I work with the client to see what else we can do with the client’s experiences.

There is currently research being carried out to investigate what is known as theanalytical rumination hypothesis. In brief, this hypothesis suggests that depression serves a function, just as a fever indicates that the body is fighting an infection.  Some have suggested that the ruminative thoughts involved with depression might offer opportunities for that person to improve.  What a trained expert can do is to help that person along the rumination process, finding solutions for the problems that are causing the depression. For example, someone might be depressed because of a recent relationship breakup, and the ruminative thoughts might be about the depressed person trying to work out how they will live as a single person, or how they might live in a relationship differently in the future.  

This implies that there is a resolution to the process, once the depressed person makes sense of this new information.  If this is true, trying to medicate someone who is depressed might not be useful, as it might prevent the person from working through these ruminative thoughts and finding some sort of resolution.  The research on the analytical rumination hypothesis is far from conclusive, and so professionals urge people to not stop taking prescribed medication, but it is interesting to at least consider this as a possible explanation for depression.

Some clients have found mindfulness to be a useful approach with depression.  This approach was best described by Jon Kabat Zinn in his book ‘Full Catastrophe Living’:  ‘The essence of the practice is non-doing', it is a letting go’.  The purpose is not to achieve anything but to acknowledge and be aware of what is’.  So one approach might be to stop trying to fight the depression and see how it might be to accept it, in the hope that this might give it less power, and it might eventually fade into the background.

If CBT is the chosen approach, this would involve examining a client’s thoughts and assumptions.  For example, by talking to a trained expert the following clients might start to understand that –

• Jane often labels herself a ‘failure’ simply because she has made one or two mistakes at work.
• Paul often personalises situations, assuming that when something goes wrong, it is automatically his fault.
• Bill often lives by ‘rules’ that were once useful but now trap him in a depressed state: For example, he believes in the ‘pleasure-pain principle’, assuming that if it is pleasurable to have lots of money he will be in perpetual pain if he is not rich. 

Using CBT, a trained expert would help these clients to challenge these assumptions. For example –

• With help, Jane could start to question whether one or two mistakes at work necessarily means that she will always make mistakes. Reality testing is important here, so it would be important to find examples where she has done well, or when she has not made mistakes. 
• With help, Paul might begin to realise that a situation might have gone wrong for a whole number of reasons that do not involve him (a process known as ‘decentering’).
• Finally, with help, Bill might begin to challenge these constraining ‘rules’, and he might look for evidence to the contrary (for example, he might realise that there is pleasure derived from non-monetary sources).

In addition to challenging a client’s thoughts or assumptions, behavioural techniques might also be explored.  For example –

• A depressed client could explore the possibility of participating in activities that lead to a small success. As confidence grows and apathy diminishes, these activities can increase in number and duration.  This can help counterbalance the hopelessness that is an inevitable part of depression.
• One technique might be to consider things that stimulate the client, such as pleasant smells, sensations, sights, tastes or sounds. Having a list of these can be useful when the ‘sluggish wave’ draws in.
• The client could also start to engage in more physical activities. It is well established that exercise can increase the endorphins, and so even a regular short walk every now and again might help.  

With all behavioural techniques, it is important to explore all the possible risks and benefits of these techniques, paying careful attention to any assumptions that the client might offer to avoid pursuing or sustaining these activities.  One common assumption amongst depressed clients is that the activity will inevitably fail to achieve any change, or they believe that they lack the ability to succeed in the task.  But it would be important to ask the client: 

• What would the client lose by trying?
• Has their previous approach really been helpful?
• How do they really know they will fail, if they don’t try

It might be useful to end this article with a checklist of assumptions that often trap people in depression.  How many of these ‘rules’ do you live by, and how helpful is it for you?  There is a big difference between rules to improve your life, and rules to trap you.  If you are at least aware of the rules that you live by, you can then decide which ones are useful, and which ones are destroying your life -

1. If I make a mistake, that means I am a failure
2. If I do not succeed at a task, there is no point in trying
3. I must be liked by everyone at all times
4. Because it is pleasurable to be wealthy, it is painful to have little or no wealth
5. My value depends on how other people view me
6. Disagreement means conflict, which is to be avoided
7. To be loved, I must fulfil certain conditions

 
​Chris Warren-Dickins BACP Registered Counsellor
E:  chris@exploretransform.com
T:  07816681154
W:  www.exploretransform.com

​We all get angry.  Anger is an emotion as acceptable as any other, and yet for some their anger has become a problem.  They feel that they tend to react more angrily than the average person, and for some it has even threatened to ruin a career or destroyed a special relationship. So at what point is the expression of an emotion a problem that needs to be managed? 
To help us understand this, we can look at anger in contrast with other emotions.  Why do some people feel that they react more angrily than others? –

• Anger and anxiety - If someone feels threatened and she tends to perceive herself as unable to cope in a situation, she will tend to feel anxious. However, if someone tends to focus on the violation of her rights when she feels threatened, she will tend to get angry rather than anxious.

• Anger and sadness - If someone is insulted and she tends to accept the insult, devaluing herself as a result, the emotion would tend to be sadness. However, in the same situation, if the person tends to reject the insult as unfounded and unacceptable, the resulting emotion would tend to be anger.  

Feeling an emotion, whether it is anger, anxiety, sadness, or any other emotion, is neither good nor bad.  It is just an emotion.  So at what point can we say that an angry reaction is unacceptable and problematic?  Most would agree that the tipping point is

• When the anger is in response to a distorted version of reality. Is it reasonable to say that one’s rights are really being violated, or is this just an imagined incursion, perhaps an echo from the past? 

• When the anger is a disproportionate reaction, when the situation does not warrant such an extreme reaction. Are we slamming our fist into the wall even when we cannot find our keys?  

If anger has become a problem, how can talking to a trained professional help?

• Twisted thinking?  A cognitive behavioural therapist would focus on a person’s thoughts and assumptions.  It might be that the client is thinking in an unhelpful way (some therapists refer to this as ‘twisted thinking’) and the therapist would offer the client an opportunity to challenge these thoughts.  Examples of twisted thinking include jumping to conclusions, generalising about situations, assuming things about other people (or ‘mind-reading’) and living by the ‘tyranny of the shoulds’ (the client believes that she should live a certain way, and the world should be a certain way). 

By way of illustration, a person might assume that everyone should be polite to each other, and as a result that person might feel angry every time someone is impolite to her.  Once the thoughts and assumptions are identified, the therapist will help the person to change any thoughts and assumptions that are unhelpful.  For example, the therapist might suggest that the person changes the shouldstatement into ‘I would like people to be polite to each other, but I am aware that not everyone will be’.  This change in assumption might lead to less anger, as a result of less perceived violation of that person’s rights.

• Unmet needs and assertiveness. Anger is often a communication of unmet needs.  Talking to a therapist can help someone to identify those needs, and together the therapist and client can work out a more constructive way to ensure that those needs are met.  This can often involve assertiveness training, so that the client is able to communicate those needs without expressing anger in a disproportionate manner.

• Expression of emotion (rather than venting) Talking to a therapist might be an opportunity to express the anger, which might lead to new insights.  Many therapists draw a distinction between venting and expression of emotion.  Venting implies that anger is something to be eradicated, whereas expression of anger implies that this emotion might be a communication of something important about that client.  In their book on expressing emotion, Kennedy-Moore and Watson suggested three conditions for a constructive expression of anger –

‘1.  When it is directed at the appropriate target.  Indirect strategies like punching pillows…do nothing to alter the source of anger…

1. When it does not lead to further retaliation by the target’ (for example, one could write an angry letter which is then torn up)
2. ‘When it results in changes in the perceptions of the expresser or the behaviour of the target.’

Talking to a trained professional about anger management can be useful, but we cannot do anything until we are fully aware.  Some people deny that they are ever angry, and so it is important to reflect on this as anger can be communicated in a number of ways, passively and actively.  Consider carefully how you feel and how that makes you behave in certain situations.  It is okay to feel angry, but to what degree is that anger a response to a distorted version of reality?  And even if it is not distorted, is the extent of our anger a proportionate reaction to the situation?
What are your thoughts on this?
 
​Chris Warren-Dickins BACP Registered Counsellor
E:  chris@exploretransform.com
T:  07816681154
W:  www.exploretransform.com

Some find it helpful to look on addiction as a cycle, and by viewing it this way, they can see how to break that cycle:

1.  Someone may experience distress or discomfort
2.  In response, that person might seek relief through alcohol, drugs, excessive eating, gambling, or whatever behaviour that may become addictive.
3.  The relief is only temporary, and so, when the relief subsides, the distress or discomfort returns, perhaps this time with guilt or shame over the addictive behaviour.
4.  In response to the return of the distress or discomfort, and perhaps the guilt or shame, that person engages in more of the addictive behaviour.

Awareness of this cycle of addiction is the first step to learn how to break it.

Chris Warren-Dickins BACP Registered Counsellor
E:  chris@exploretransform.com
T:  07816681154
W:  www.exploretransform.com
​

Five shields against work stress -

1. Anchor yourself in the moment.  Focus on your breath
2. Manage your expectations.  It is unrealistic to expect to never suffer
3. Say to yourself:  ‘I am choosing to go to work today’ 
4. Give yourself space when you need it 
5. When you leave work, try as much as you can to leave it behind

 
Chris Warren-Dickins BACP Registered Counsellor
E:  chris@exploretransform.com
T:  07816681154
W:  www.exploretransform.com
​

To tolerate an uncomfortable and unhappy working environment, try three principles from ‘pain management’ -
 

1. Enter into the ‘pain’.  Really tune into the thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations this working environment evokes in you
2. Become aware of, and accept, what is, rather than trying to ignore it, or fear the future uncertain
3. Try to be specific when you describe these experiences, but at the same time recognise these thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations as simply thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations.  If you allow yourself to experience a distance from these, you may be able to see that they are often temporary.  They are not the whole of you

 
Chris Warren-Dickins BACP Registered Counsellor
E:  chris@exploretransform.com
T:  07816681154
W:  www.exploretransform.com

Three tips to befriend the workplace bully -
 

• Make eye contact and remain civil, even if they have descended into childishness
• See them as someone who is probably acting in fear
• A bully often feels inferior, and so their behaviour is a way of managing that perceived inferiority

 
Chris Warren-Dickins BACP Registered Counsellor
E:  chris@exploretransform.com
T:  07816681154
W:  www.exploretransform.com
​

“If one is to learn to live with the dead, one must first learn to live with the living” -  Irvin Yalom
​
Chris Warren-Dickins BACP Registered Counsellor
E:  chris@exploretransform.com
T:  07816681154
W:  www.exploretransform.com
​