​Trust is an integral part of any relationship.  If we communicate in a way that undermines this trust, we have little hope of maintaining a relationship, whether that is a personal relationship or a working relationship with a fellow team member. 
 
I have worked with couples and groups who refuse to communicate in an open way.  Whether it is through fear or a lack of awareness, they continuously provoke mistrust in the other party to that relationship, expecting trust to simply materialise without any work on their behalf.  The Johari Window is a useful tool to help with the hard work that is needed to establish trust.  It helps us to develop self-awareness and encourage open communication and feedback, and it has been used with individuals, couples and groups. 
 
In short, the Johari Window comprises the following elements –

• Human interaction is based on four aspects of knowledge –
  • 1.  Knowledge which is known by yourself and by others (your open area)
  • 2.  Knowledge which is known by others but not by you (your blind area)
  • 3.  Knowledge which is unknown by others but is known by you (your hidden area)
  • 4.  The final area is knowledge which is unknown by others and unknown by you (your unknown area). 
• The assumptions which form the basis of the Johari Window are that –
  • If you disclose information about yourself, this will develop trust, and
  • You can develop greater self-awareness with feedback from others.

 
As a result, the aim of any work on a relationship, any work to improve one’s communication skills, and any work on team building, should include an attempt to increase the amount of knowledge within the open area (to the extent that you feel comfortable with this level of disclosure). 
 
There are numerous exercises to develop trust in a relationship, and I have set out below just one.  I have used the example of a couple, but this could equally apply to a group of people, including a team in a working environment.  What is important is that you approach this with an open heart and mind, remembering that humour can help grease many a cog!
 
Exercise – How you see me, how you don’t
 
Set aside a quiet time when you will not be disturbed.  It does not have to be a very long period of time (perhaps 30 minutes at the maximum), but during that time you agree that no one takes calls or checks emails.
 
Agree with each other the following –

• What is discussed is an attempt to build trust, not destroy it.  Therefore anything that is said must be constructive
• Comments are to remain confidential (with the usual exception if you are concerned about an immediate risk to someone’s welfare)
• When one person is speaking, the other must remain quiet and listen
• Try to reserve judgment about what is said.  Sometimes ideas take a while to form, and so what may be said initially may not be the whole of what is intended.  Think about when you write something:  The first draft often needs to be amended.  The same can apply to what is spoken
• If you truly feel uncomfortable, you can end the exercise at any time

 
Divide up the allocated time (for example, 30 minutes) as follows –
 
1.  10 minutes - One member of the couple (Person A) offers answers to the following questions about the other member of the couple (Person B) –

• How do you perceive this person?  Are they warm or cool?
• Are they immediate or slow in contact?
• Are they anxious or relaxed?
• Are they engaged or distant?
• Are they congruent or incongruent?
• Are they strong or vulnerable?
• Are they fearful or open?
• Are they intrusive or distant?

 
2.  10 minutes – The other member of the couple (Person B) offers answers to the same questions about the other member of the couple (Person A) –

• How do you perceive this person?  Are they warm or cool?
• Are they immediate or slow in contact?
• Are they anxious or relaxed?
• Are they engaged or distant?
• Are they congruent or incongruent?
• Are they strong or vulnerable?
• Are they fearful or open?
• Are they intrusive or distant?

 
​3.  10 minutes - Spend this remaining time discussing the answers each person gave to the other.  During this discussion you may wish to – 

• Ask for more information
• Ask for specific examples
• Thank the other person for having the courage to offer these answers

 
Try not to act in a defensive manner, and try not to apologise.  One person’s perception of you is as valid as your perception of the other person.  And you may also have had valid reasons for acting in a certain way.  But that is not the point.  The point is to listen with an open heart and mind, because this will offer you the opportunity to learn about how you are perceived by others. 
 
In closing, remember the assumptions underpinning the Johari Window –

• If you disclose information about yourself, this will develop trust, and
• You can develop greater self-awareness with feedback from others.

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood New Jersey NJ 07450. 
To book an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com
​

Available in Ridgewood NJ and Teaneck NJ: 
Psychotherapy and life coaching with Chris Warren-Dickins LPC. 
​If you would like to make an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email me at chris@exploretransform.com http://www.exploretransform.com/

When I was training to be a psychotherapist, the one person who made the most sense was Irvin Yalom.  Unlike so many other theorists, who seemed desperate to impose a rigid construct on the world, Yalom’s perspective had a fluidity that allowed for the unknown.  In turn, this allowed Yalom to be the type of psychotherapist that really helps other people:  They do not pretend to be an ‘expert’, but instead they admit to struggling with existential questions as the client may be.  And in this relationship of equals (what Yalom referred to as his ‘professional rosary’), therapist and client can welcome the unknown, believe in growth, and keep hope alive.

Here are just a few of Yalom’s many pearls of wisdom:
​

• ‘The first step in all therapeutic change is responsibility assumption.  If one feels in no way responsible for one’s predicament, then how can one change it?’
  
• ‘To my mind, ‘good’ therapy (which I equate with deep, or penetrating, therapy, not with efficient or even, I am pained to say, helpful therapy) conducted with a ‘good’ patient is at bottom a truth-seeking venture.'
  
• ‘This business of comparing yourself unfavourably to others is always self-destructive...It’s always possible, if you want to torment yourself, to find someone to compare yourself with unfavourably... Why not just one time pick someone who may not have what you have?’
  
• 'It is one of our chief methods of denying death, and the part of our mind whose task it is to mollify death terror generates the irrational belief that we are invulnerable – that unpleasant things like aging and death may be the lot of others but not our lot, that we exist beyond law beyond human and biological destiny.'
• 'One must learn to live with the living before one can learn to live with the dead.’
  

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood NJ 07450 and Teaneck NJ 07666. 
To book an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com
https://www.exploretransform.com/

In a bid to improve our lives, we often live according to rules or assumptions.  For example, we might have a rule that we cannot make a mistake at work.  However, we might also assume that if we make even one mistake then this means we are a failure.  If we are not careful, these rules or assumptions can trap us in a prison of depression. 

Below are five assumptions that trap us in depression.  How many do you live by, and how helpful is this for you?  

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood New Jersey NJ 07450 and Teaneck NJ 07666. To book an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com
​

Bullies are everywhere, but falling victim to them does not have to be an inevitable part of life.  Although we cannot control the behaviour of others, we can change how we react to them.  Here are 10 top tips to manage the bully -

1.     Watch out for all forms of bullying.  It is not just the overt acts of aggression. It can include words and actions, in-person, over the telephone and/or online
2.     We all have the potential to act in a bullying way.  There is no single type of person who is a bully, and bullying behaviour appears on a spectrum of what initially seems like acceptable behaviour but quickly develops into unacceptable bullying
3.     Try and view the bully as someone who is probably acting in fear.  Aggression, whether it is overt or passive, is born of fear, so if we just see the aggressive behaviour, we have missed a trick.
4.     A bully often feels inferior, and so their behaviour is a way of managing that perceived inferiority.
5.     When you interact with a bully, make eye contact and remain civil, even if the bully has descended into childishness
6.     Try to develop assertive skills.  Assertiveness sits in the middle of aggressive and passive behaviour.  In brief, assertiveness includes an ability to communicate one’s feelings and needs, an ability to ask for things, and an ability to say no
7.     If bullying arises, it is easy to create a scapegoat.  Perhaps one person is seen as ‘the bully’ when the situation has arisen as a result of a number of different people, each in part to blame for the situation
8.     Caricaturise the bully.  In the privacy of your own home, draw him with distorted features and give him a comedic name.  This can offer you distance from his aggression. 
9.     Try all sorts of affirming statements including:  I am choosing to face this person today.  I have the strength to assert my feelings and needs 
10.   Give yourself space when you need it.  If you need to walk away from the situation, ask for more time.  Often an immediate response is not essential

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood New Jersey NJ 07450. 
To book an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com

‘I don't want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave.’  In her novel ‘Cat’s Eye’, this is how Margaret Atwood describes depression.  As a psychotherapist, I have worked with a number of clients who have worked through their depression, and Atwood’s description is spot on.  Someone who is depressed will often find himself caught in the following double-bind –

• He assumes that there will be a negative outcome to most situations, and
• He assumes that he is inadequate or deficient.

As a result, if something negative does happen, this simply proves his assumption that he is inadequate or deficient.  Trapped in this double-bind, he does not have the ‘escape clause’that other conditions offer:  For example, if someone with OCD follows a routine, they will find relief from the anxiety.  With depression, it often feels like there is no end to the ‘sluggish wave’.

The World Health Organization predicts that by 2030 depression will be the ‘leading cause of disease burden’ worldwide (‘The increasing burden of depression’, Jean-Pierre Lepine and Mike Briley). In the UK it is reported that one in five people become depressed at some point in their lives (Royal College of Psychiatrists), and so it is very common.  Sadly, not enough people talk about having experienced it, and so there is often an element of shame attached to it.

If someone is experiencing depression, they may find that they are helped by –

• Talking to a trained expert , and/or
• Seeking a prescription of anti-depressants from their GP.

If a person with depression decides to talk to a trained expert, one of the approaches is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).  This is the approach recommended by NICE, but there is some debate about whether this is the only approach that is useful.  As I am an integrative psychotherapist, I would work with the client to make choices about how to work through their depression.  These choices would be informed by the client, the presenting issue, and any current research. 

Whichever approach we choose, I always work from a person-centred core.  This means that I listen actively to the client, paraphrasing their experiences back so that they know they are understood.  I do not make assumptions and instead I work hard to understand the client’s meanings (for example, what he means by ‘depressed’ and how this impacts on his life).  Sometimes just having the magnitude of one’s feelings acknowledged can be healing in itself.  But sometimes this is not enough, and so I work with the client to see what else we can do with the client’s experiences.

There is currently research being carried out to investigate what is known as the analytical rumination hypothesis. In brief, this hypothesis suggests that depression serves a function, just as a fever indicates that the body is fighting an infection.  Some have suggested that the ruminative thoughts involved with depression might offer opportunities for that person to improve.  What a trained expert can do is to help that person along the rumination process, finding solutions for the problems that are causing the depression. For example, someone might be depressed because of a recent relationship breakup, and the ruminative thoughts might be about the depressed person trying to work out how they will live as a single person, or how they might live in a relationship differently in the future.  This implies that there is a resolution to the process, once the depressed person makes sense of this new information.  If this is true, trying to medicate someone who is depressed might not be useful, as it might prevent the person from working through these ruminative thoughts and finding some sort of resolution.  The research on the analytical rumination hypothesis is far from conclusive, and so professionals urge people to not stop taking prescribed medication, but it is interesting to at least consider this as a possible explanation for depression.

Some clients have found mindfulness to be a useful approach with depression.  This approach was best described by Jon Kabat Zinn in his book ‘Full Catastrophe Living’:  ‘The essence of the practice is non-doing', it is a letting go’.  The purpose is not to achieve anything but to acknowledge and be aware of what is’.  So one approach might be to stop trying to fight the depression and see how it might be to accept it, in the hope that this might give it less power, and it might eventually fade into the background.

If CBT is the chosen approach, this would involve examining a client’s thoughts and assumptions.  For example, by talking to a trained expert the following clients might start to understand that –

• Jane often labels herself a ‘failure’ simply because she has made one or two mistakes at work.
• Paul often personalises situations, assuming that when something goes wrong, it is automatically his fault.
• Bill often lives by ‘rules’ that were once useful but now trap him in a depressed state: For example, he believes in the ‘pleasure-pain principle’, assuming that if it is pleasurable to have lots of money he will be in perpetual pain if he is not rich. 

Using CBT, a trained expert would help these clients to challenge these assumptions. For example –

• With help, Jane could start to question whether one or two mistakes at work necessarily means that she will always make mistakes. Reality testing is important here, so it would be important to find examples where she has done well, or when she has not made mistakes. 
• With help, Paul might begin to realise that a situation might have gone wrong for a whole number of reasons that do not involve him (a process known as ‘decentering’).
• Finally, with help, Bill might begin to challenge these constraining ‘rules’, and he might look for evidence to the contrary (for example, he might realise that there is pleasure derived from non-monetary sources).

In addition to challenging a client’s thoughts or assumptions, behavioural techniques might also be explored.  For example –

• A depressed client could explore the possibility of participating in activities that lead to a small success. As confidence grows and apathy diminishes, these activities can increase in number and duration.  This can help counterbalance the hopelessness that is an inevitable part of depression.
• One technique might be to consider things that stimulate the client, such as pleasant smells, sensations, sights, tastes or sounds. Having a list of these can be useful when the ‘sluggish wave’ draws in.
• The client could also start to engage in more physical activities. It is well established that exercise can increase the endorphins, and so even a regular short walk every now and again might help.  

With all behavioural techniques, it is important to explore all the possible risks and benefits of these techniques, paying careful attention to any assumptions that the client might offer to avoid pursuing or sustaining these activities.  One common assumption amongst depressed clients is that the activity will inevitably fail to achieve any change, or they believe that they lack the ability to succeed in the task.  But it would be important to ask the client: 

• What would the client lose by trying?
• Has their previous approach really been helpful?
• How do they really know they will fail, if they don’t try

It might be useful to end this article with a checklist of assumptions that often trap people in depression.  How many of these ‘rules’ do you live by, and how helpful is it for you?  There is a big difference between rules to improve your life, and rules to trap you.  If you are at least aware of the rules that you live by, you can then decide which ones are useful, and which ones are destroying your life -

1. If I make a mistake, that means I am a failure
2. If I do not succeed at a task, there is no point in trying
3. I must be liked by everyone at all times
4. Because it is pleasurable to be wealthy, it is painful to have little or no wealth
5. My value depends on how other people view me
6. Disagreement means conflict, which is to be avoided
7. To be loved, I must fulfil certain conditions

​Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood New Jersey NJ 07450 and Teaneck NJ 07666. To book an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com

​Families and other groups can be a safe haven or a trap.  If you are finding it difficult to manage issues that arise in your family, or any other type of group, try talking to a trained professional
​
Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood New Jersey NJ 07450 and Teaneck NJ 07666. To book an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com
​

There is no quick fix with depression, but clients have often found these tips to be a useful starting point, to at least begin the dialogue.  Other clients have only realized they have fallen into unconscious patterns of behavior after they have considered these ten points.  Only when we bring behavior out from the darkness of unconsciousness, can we choose whether or not to accept that as part of our life.
​

1. Depression is a cycle:  We have negative thoughts and this causes a low mood, and this means we feel less willing to engage in activities, and this only serves to worsen our mood and increase our negative thoughts.  To break the cycle, focus on activities that might once have brought you happiness.  Try to achieve at least one of those a day, and steadily increase the number
2. Depression is rarely caused by just one factor alone.  Try to brainstorm as many reasons why you may be depressed, so that you know all the areas to focus on
3. Depression tricks us into believing that we are defective.  Find a kinder voice to congratulate yourself for the things you do well.  And don’t dismiss the good points, even if they seem small or insignificant
4. Depression makes us assume that a negative outcome will occur.  Do you know that for sure? Is it worth having a go, just in case you achieve a positive outcome?
5. Perfectionism fuels depression, the mistaken belief that we cannot do anything unless we do it perfectly. Challenge perfectionism with the belief that we can learn from mistakes. And no one is perfect
6. Depression is also fuelled by the idea that life should be a certain way, and others should be a certain way, and even I should be a certain way.  Try to replace ‘I should’ with ‘I would like this, but I need to be realistic about my expectations’
7. Some find mindfulness useful.  The emphasis here is on letting go, on remaining firmly in the present without worrying about the future, or regretting the past
8. Depression often leads us to label ourselves (for example, a ‘failure’).  None of us fall within any particular label, we are far too complicated for that!  Labelling also rules out the hope that we might change.  There is rarely the need to lose hope that we can learn how to adapt, given the right opportunity or resources
9. Depression often makes us personalise a situation.  For example, if something goes wrong (a relationship fails, or a work issue develops), we blame ourselves.  Instead, try to look at the situation as the multi-faceted issue that it is likely to be.  It is rare that there is just one factor causing the situation
10. Depression can be made worse by living strictly by certain ‘rules’ (for example, I can never show emotion in public, or I can never make mistakes).  Are these rules useful, or are they simply a trap for us?

​Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood New Jersey NJ 07450 and Teaneck NJ 07666. To book an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com

Here is an infographic to summarise how you can drain anxiety from your world.  All of us believe that we have no time for relaxation, but we can schedule it in.  Even if it is for a small part of the day. The same can be said for including mindfulness in our daily life

We should also consider whether our anxiety is telling us something important.  Perhaps something needs to change, and we are avoiding making this change

Finally, monitor our thinking patterns for any unhelpful assumptions.  For example, is our anxiety caused by irrational assumptions we might be making about ourselves or others

Have a look at this infographic, and let me know what you think

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood New Jersey NJ 07450. 
To book an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com

I always find it interesting that food addiction is so common, and yet it is overshadowed by other addictions.  Some might see it as more shameful, whilst others dismiss it as frivolous compared with alcohol or drug addiction.  But it can have a significant impact on someone's life.

Here are 10 top tips to help you manage food addiction.  It is a starting point, and talking to a trained professional can help build on these initial steps.

1.     If you have lost control of the amount of food you eat, and it has become harmful, you are addicted to food
2.     Maintaining a food diary can help you to see, in black and white, your habits around food.  Sometimes we distort reality by merely thinking about it, but writing it down makes it more concrete 
3.     Really challenge yourself to reflect on what food means to you.  Is it merely fuel to survive, or is it a means of coping with difficult times? 
4.     Try to identify the ‘hot spots’ when it comes to food.  Do you tend to reach for chocolate during times of stress?  Do you tend to overdo it on coffee first thing in the morning? 
5.     Once you are aware of the hot spots, you can put things in place to make a change. For example, if you anticipate a stressful period, try to schedule a relaxing run at the gym, rather than relying on the chocolate bar
6.     Try to identify the ‘maintaining factors’ that keep you caught in this food addiction. For example, are you in a relationship where food is also an issue for that partner?  Working together to manage this can often work much better than trying to go it alone
7.     Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help you to examine the thoughts and assumptions that are attached to food.  For example, you might catastrophise each time you give into the temptation of having more food.  You might overlook the moments when you have managed to resist the problematic food.
8.     Adopt a kinder voice.  Try to congratulate yourself for the times you were able to resist, rather than constantly punishing yourself for the slip-ups.  The trouble with punishment is that it fuels the guilt, which may ultimately lead you to eat more in an attempt to feel better
9.     You can learn from the positives.  Instead of focusing on all the times you ate chocolate, when did you not?  Do you notice any patterns about those positive moments when you did not eat the problematic food?  You might learn from these moments how to set up more of the same, and increase your chance of breaking the cycle of addiction
10.     Mindfulness can help you to become aware of the present moment, and this can reveal what might otherwise have become automatic behaviour (for example, reaching for the nibbles during a television programme or as you read an article about food addiction)