For some, the news of a second wave brings fears of intense isolation. People I talk to are already constrained by depression or anxiety, and so another lockdown will only make a hard situation worse.

But are we talking about isolation or loneliness? The news outlets rarely make this distinction but I think it is an important one.  Even if we are forced into isolation, it does not mean that we will feel lonely. For some, physical isolation is a time of peace and calm, away from the fuss and noise of others.  For others, loneliness still gnaws at their bones, even when they are surrounded by other people. 

I like to think of loneliness as a subjective state falling in the gap between the quality of social contact that is expected, and the quality of social contact that is actually achieved. 

So how can we tackle loneliness (especially during this pandemic)?
When I think of tackling loneliness it helps me to think of it in terms of these three categories -

1.Loneliness may be circumstantial. 
For example, we may live in a community that offers little human contact, or we are part of a social group who tend to experience less social contact (for example, the elderly).

2.Loneliness may be caused by something behavioral. 
In other words, there is something that we are doing (or not doing) that makes our loneliness worse.  For example, we may over-schedule ourselves so that we lessen the chances of human contact.
​
3.Our loneliness may be experiential. 
So we may use certain strategies to avoid intimate contact with others. For example, we may use certain language that keeps us feeling emotionally distanced from others. Here is one example: I have a friend who makes my heart leap with joy, and instead of saying ‘I feel joy when I am with you’ (‘I / You’ language) I say ‘This is fun’. I keep a distance from her, and in turn, I keep myself isolated. If I were to expect a closer friendship, this may leave me feeling lonely.

Isolated by our assumptions 
If you feel lonely then you need to reflect on the assumptions you are making about yourself and the world around you. For example, you might assume that a group of people who are laughing are really laughing at you. As a result, you withdraw and only feel more lonely. In reality, there are multiple reasons why a group of people might laugh (including their own nervousness or sense of uncertainty about social contact).

To reflect carefully on your assumptions helps you to unearth any negative beliefs you are holding about yourself or others. You may have been given an unrealistic perception that you are in some way defective, or the world is more threatening than it really is. All of this can increase your sense of loneliness, and lead to behavior that increased your isolation.

Perceptions distorted by social media
If loneliness is a subjective state falling between the quality of expected and achieved social contact, social media is bound to play a big part in this. 

Our expectations of our own social contact are fueled by images on social media, and yet these are mere snapshots of a life we know little about. Can we really measure the quality of the social contact enjoyed by someone who smiles in front of a fireplace on TikTok, Instagram or Facebook, even if their kids do have matching onesies?

The reality is that social media is causing us to increase our sense of loneliness by over-estimating the quality of social contact enjoyed by others, and under-estimating our own.

Don't struggle alone
​News of a second wave is scary, not least because of the health implications, and the impact on the economy, but it increases the likelihood that we will have to isolate ourselves in some way. But we do not have to feel lonely. And you certainly do not have to struggle alone.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com

Are you feeling stuck in any of these destructive patterns? -

1. You blame yourself when things go wrong, or you constantly feel shameful or guilty.
2. You are frequently on edge, gripped by the belief that you are never really safe.
3. You feel powerless or unable to control most things in your life.

These are examples of negative beliefs about yourself.  They are unhelpful because they often over-simplify reality and distort reality.  For example -

1. A negative belief about responsibility or defectiveness distorts reality so that you end up blaming yourself for something that is not your fault.  For example, someone who experienced the trauma of a sexual assault might blame themself instead of the perpetrator.
2. A negative belief about safety or vulnerability distorts reality so that you disproportionately assess danger, leaving you feeling like you are permanently unsafe or unable to trust others.
3. A negative belief about power or control distorts reality and makes you believe that you have no power or control over your life.

EMDR can help.  EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy and it is recognized as an A level of treatment for trauma (World Health Organization).

Part of the EMDR process involves identifying the above negative beliefs and helping you to find a more adaptive (or realistic) way to view yourself and the world around you.  For example -

1. You are able to place responsibility for the sexual assault with the perpetrator, not yourself
2. You are able to establish that you are safe now, even if you were not safe back then
3. You are able to identify ways you have power and control over your life now.

There is more to the EMDR process than this, but I thought you might find this useful to start the ball rolling.  If you need to find out more about it, have a look at my EMDR pages.

I hope you find this helpful.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com

Does any of this sound familiar?

No matter how much you learn, you still lack confidence at work and at home.  This lack of confidence is experienced as a blank mind when you need it the most, and this sends you spiraling into despair, only making things worse.

Or perhaps, instead of a blank mind, your heart races so much that you fear you will collapse, or you press your nails into your palm as you long for a meeting to end. Alternatively, you cannot bring yourself to leave the house, or meet up with that group of people for fear of what you or they may think.

In all of these cases, anxiety has taken hold.

You are not incompetent, but the more you despair at this blankness, or racing heart, or urge to run out of the room, the less competent you will appear.  In work, at meetings and during presentations, or at home, with your partner, your kids, or both, your mind is stuck in fight or flight, and you have lost the ability to think clearly.

Now consider this

What images come to mind when you experience anxiety?
An M&A lawyer called Raoul sits in a meeting and his mind goes blank.  He sees himself as an airline pilot; one bad decision and (in his own words) he ‘could crash the plane, killing everyone on board’.  What a catastrophic image, and no wonder he is petrified.  But it is not the truth, and Raoul knows that he is not an airline pilot.  But his emotions tell him otherwise; the fear of failure is experienced as a catastrophe.

So what are you telling yourself about this situation?
What is Raoul telling himself that could fuel his anxiety?  Perhaps he tells himself that if he makes a mistake in this meeting he will lose his job.  Is he making assumptions and filling the gap where he lacks information?  For example, has he made any mistakes?  Do any of these mistakes warrant termination of his employment?  Is he assuming others will view even one mistake as seriously as his emotions interpret this (remember, he views this as a plane crash where everyone is killed).  Is he overlooking the fact that people learn from mistakes.  Is he under-estimating his own ability and over-estimating the ability of others?

There are so many different ways you can beat yourself up and make your anxiety worse.  And the irony is that the harder you are on yourself, the more likely you are to perform badly. How can anyone trust your ability if you cannot trust yourself?

Stuck on faulty beliefs
So Raoul realizes he is making assumptions in his meeting, and he doesn’t have all the facts.  Even when he starts to accept this, he still gets stuck on faulty beliefs that he holds about himself.  These are the types of beliefs that we have held onto for years, and for so long that we assume it is a ‘truth universally acknowledged’! (Jane Austen).  Despite evidence to the contrary, Raoul cannot escape the belief that he is ‘not good enough’.  This belief is faulty because it is overly-simplistic; it cannot possibly apply to every single situation, and yet it remains hanging around his neck, dragging him down every time he goes to a meeting, and every time he gets close to someone.

Do you reject parts of yourself?
Be honest: As you read this, have you grown impatient?  Does this impatience cause you to push uncomfortable feelings away, too afraid to sit with them for fear that they might overwhelm you?  Raoul would call this his Corporate Tyrant part, and he would use it to chastise himself for expressing any sensitivity, referring to his emotions as an inconvenience (at best) and something contemptible (at worst).

Eventually Raoul was able to speak to his Corporate Tyrant part and thank him for getting him so far in his career.  However, he acknowledged that the Corporate Tyrant seemed tired and perhaps needed to rest.  Once this happened, Raoul was able to articulate that he could see life needed a balance:  Yes, he sometimes needed the Corporate Tyrant, but he also needed some sensitivity, and he needed to listen more to the emotions he had neglected for so long (and which were trying to make themselves known through his anxiety).  In fact, by turning away from his emotions, these important sources of information, he had lost two important relationships.

How to soothe your anxious mind
The next time you find yourself in the grip of anxiety (whether it takes the form of a blank mind or an overwhelming urge to avoid all social interaction), soothe yourself by considering these four questions:

1. When you think of the situation that makes you anxious, what image do you conjure up? Have you fabricated a catastrophe that is far from reality?
2. What are you telling yourself about that situation, and what assumptions are you making?
3. Are you stuck on overly-simplistic beliefs about yourself or others?
4. Are you rejecting parts of yourself that might offer important information?

I hope you find this useful.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com

With a matter of weeks until the election and a health pandemic, it is easy to forget how to keep calm.  There is evidence of a second wave, and yet all we hear about is a pair of millionaires trading cheap shots.  

In all this chaos, you need quick and easy tools to keep calm and focus on the important things (such as how to keep your loved ones safe, educated, and balanced).

The Three Minute Breathing Space is beautiful because of its simplicity.  Carve out three minutes each day to suspend judgment and fully accept your thoughts, your emotions, and your bodily sensations.  If you truly listen to yourself (rather than the cheap shots of millionaires) then you will find a clearer path to pursue.

I hope you find this useful.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com

Ever feel drained when other people are around?  It is good to connect with others, but sometimes I just can't 'people' any more.  When the opinions and perspectives all start to collide in my head, I realise that the only solution is to shut myself away for a little.

Moments of solitude can give you space to breathe again; you can gather your thoughts, connect with your emotions, and learn how to listen to your body again.  But after a short rest, it is important to reconnect.  If we leave it too long, it will only become harder and harder to engage with the outside world again, and this can lead to social anxiety. 

To give you that big push out the door, and into the world of human connection, you just need to understand the Four Corners of Connection -

Firstly, there are four very good reasons to connect with others, and
Secondly, there are four ways to improve the quality of that human connection. 
 
So let's start with four good reasons to connect with others.  And there is science to back it up! –
·         1.  Neuroscientists have discovered that we learn more, produce more, and we are generally happier when we connect with friends and family.  Connecting with others develops more dimensions to our brain, and it gives our lives meaning
·         2.  Studies have also shown that the more we are introduced to new experiences, such as connecting with other people, the more dopamine is produced.  Dopamine is basically the feel-good chemical in the brain.  We can get these new experiences by connecting with brand new people, or connecting at a deeper level with people we already know.    
·         3.  The production of dopamine is not guaranteed with every human connection; it depends on the quality of that interaction and your interpretation of that connection.  If you interpret the human connection as nurturing or empathic, for example, then it is likely to produce more dopamine.
·         4.  When you connect with others, you start to understand more about yourself and others.  A great deal of this is trial and error; we make mistakes, and that can be difficult. But you need to forgive yourself for these mistakes because they help us to understand what works and what does not.  
 
By now you are hopefully convinced that human connection is important and that you need a bit of it now and again.  But how can we improve the quality of our human connection?   –
·         1.  What are your priorities?  When you interact with others, sometimes the relationship will be the priority, sometimes some sort of task, and sometimes it is your self-esteem that is the priority.  You cannot make all three of equal priority.  If you notice that there is tension or potential for conflict with someone, one way to help is to clarify your priorities.  Do you think it is more important to achieve a task, maintain your self-esteem, or preserve a relationship?

• 2.  It is all in your manner. If your priority is to preserve a relationship, you will focus more on the manner of your interaction.  For example, you are more likely to preserve a relationship if you use a calm, gentle manner, and if you demonstrate an interest in, and empathy for the other person.  And it is not enough to be interested, you need to communicate that interest to the other person.

• 3. The reality of a power imbalance.  Be kind to yourself if there is a power imbalance, and this prevents you from achieving your goals.  For example, you are unlikely to make assertive requests of your boss every day at work.  Provided you are not the victim of an abuse of power, you may decide that human connection is less important than your job. 

·         4.  Emotions get in the way.  Sometimes your emotions interfere with the way you interact with others.  In another article, I have set out some advice to help you to remain in control of your emotions.  Read more here.

Want to know more?  Book an appointment today.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com

With the current health crisis, police brutality, and political mismanagement, there are plenty of reasons to feel angry.  But is your anger causing you problems? Are you finding it hard to cool that burning sense of injustice? 
 
Sometimes your anger might mask another emotion; for example, shame or disappointment or loss.  Or your anger could be a symptom of depression. For more on depression, check out this page.

​It is okay to feel angry; your emotions are neither good nor bad, they just exist.  However, what you do with your anger could cause you problems.

​Quick tips to manage anger

• Avoid triggering situations in the first place
• Fake it until you make it (for example, offer pleasantries or a forced smile) 
• Change your body’s temperature (for example, plunge your face into some ice-cold water)
• Redirect your attention / Distraction
• Walk away
• Count to ten (I am sure you have heard that one!)
• Challenge your assumptions
• Learn how to communicate assertively
• Square breathing.  This is where you breathe in through your nose for four seconds and then you hold for four seconds.  You then breathe out through your mouth for four seconds, and hold for four seconds. Repeat as necessary.  If you have trouble with doing each set for four seconds, try two or three seconds 

Let’s go a bit deeper
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The quick tips set out above might help.  If so, then great. But if you still find that anger is a problem, get in touch so we can go a bit deeper with this.  You might need a bit of help to retrace the steps of your childhood or the memories of a traumatic experience.  Or you might need a bit of help to master skills such as assertiveness.  Together, we can work this out.

You can book online a free initial telephone or online conversation.  Let’s see how we can work together.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com

What is anxiety?
The most simplified definition of anxiety is a ‘fear of a perceived danger’.  It can become problematic when the fear is out of proportion to the perceived danger, and/or the anxiety interferes with everyday functioning (for example, academic achievement, peer interaction, sporting activities, etc).

How can we detect anxiety in your loved ones?  
Each person is different, but here are some common characteristics to look out for –

• Behaviour - For example, excessive use of electronic devices such as social media, avoiding school, withdrawal from sporting activities, reduced social interaction, and sleeplessness
• Mind and feelings - For example, irritability, expressing negative thoughts, or crying more often
• Body - For example, headaches, heart racing, and stomach aches

 
What do you do if you suspect your loved one is struggling with anxiety?

• Start with what, not why – When you talk to them, describe what you have noticed in your loved one, rather than trying to rush into an explanation or assumption as to why they might be acting this way
• Show them you are available for them if they feel able to explain what is going on.
• Empathise – Try to understand things from their perspective, and show them you are trying to do this
• Normalise – Explain that anxiety is a normal reaction to perceived danger, but it can sometimes get out of hand if you don’t get a little help
• Structure some sort of stability – Because for anxious people change or uncertainty is difficult.  For example, try and incorporate a regular routine such as the same time for bed each night, or the same place to visit each week (such as a relaxing outdoors walk, or a trip to the cinema)
• Look for any root causes – For example, bullying via social media, academic struggles, or a recent transition (such as moving house, or starting a new sporting activity)
• Develop their resourcefulness and resilience – Demonstrate where they have used their resources before, and build on that.  Give them opportunities to practice, for example, letting them request things, rather than speaking or doing things for them.  Sometimes a behavioural diary can help, to keep a track of their increasing resourcefulness and resilience

​Get in contact today.  You can telephone or use the online booking system.
Telephone - (201) 779-6917
exploretransform.com

When you experience a stressful event, your brain can keep you stuck there, still experiencing the emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations.  Even if the stressful event happened many years ago.

A type of therapy called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR) can help you to escape this stressful event and learn to live fully in the present.

EMDR in brief
EMDR helps people to heal from stressful experiences.  The idea is that sometimes things get stuck in the brain, and with the help of EMDR, the blockage is removed, and the brain starts to heal. 

When I use EMDR, I stimulate your brain’s natural healing system to resolve the stressful experiences.  The stressful experiences are resolved because, with the help of EMDR, your brain can finally process those stressful experiences.  You are no longer overwhelmed by those experiences.

EMDR in more detail
These are the three parts of your brain that communicate with each other -   

• Amygdala – Your alarm system, telling you when something is wrong
• Hippocampus – Holding memories about things like what is dangerous and what is safe
• Prefrontal cortex – This controls your emotion and behaviour

In response to a stressful event, your brain tends to tell you to do one of three things –

• Fight
• Flee
• Freeze

If your brain has not had a chance to process a stressful event, your brain can get stuck in one of those three responses (fight, flight or freeze).

EMDR involves moving your eyes from left to right, a process similar to REM sleep.  If you don’t like this eye movement, we can use ‘tappers’ (a small machine that you hold in your hands and sends subtle pulsing sensations from left to right).

EMDR helps your brain to process those stressful experiences, so they are not stuck in a way that overwhelms you.  As a result, you change your beliefs about the event and about yourself.  For example –

• Before EMDR – You may have viewed the event as overwhelming, and you may have viewed yourself as ‘unsafe’ or ‘defective’
• After EMDR – You may no longer view the event as overwhelming, because it is in the past, and you are not vividly reliving the events.  And you may view yourself as ‘safe now’ or ‘effective and resourceful now’.

Before any reprocessing takes place, we will also work hard to identify and strengthen any ground and calming resources, so that you never feel overwhelmed.

I am a member of EMDR International Association, and they have put together a video to help you understand EMDR.