We carry around a multitude of coping skills, but sometimes we forget we even have them.  It  can be as simple as smiling at people, laughing with your friends, reading a book, or taking a walk.

What is your favorite coping skill?  Why not try a new one out?  And dust off an old one, to imprint it in your memory, so you know you can use it the next time things get tough.

​Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, and adolescents.  Read more about his work on this page.
His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450

Do you ever feel as if you are the scapegoat in a group, the one who ends up carrying the blame for everything when things go wrong? Or perhaps you feel compelled to take the lead in a group, frustrated that no one else has stepped up to take some of the responsibility. If this is happening, perhaps the forces of group dynamics are taking hold. On one end of the scale, a lack of awareness about group dynamics might lead to your feelings or needs remaining unheard. At the more extreme end of the scale, this group dysfunctional group dynamics could lead to persecution of the more vulnerable members of the group. How can you protect yourself when you interact within a group, and how can you ensure that your feelings and needs are met? 

Every time a group is formed, it is arguable that group dynamics are being played out. Group dynamics comprise of –

1.    Group roles adopted by each member of the group
2.    The development of a group as it progresses through its process (group process)

You may have heard of group dynamics in the context of your working life. But you probably find yourself in a group in other parts of your life, whether that is in your immediate or distant family, your friendships, or the group of parents you meet up with as your child participates in sporting practice.

Let’s look at each part of group dynamics in a little more detail –

Group roles
When you are interacting in a group, you may feel that you are compelled to do something that other group members are not. You may not understand why you feel compelled to do this, but it may be because you feel a task of the group needs to be achieved. For example, everyone in your group might be complaining about the rise in crime in the area, and you are all wondering how you can stay safe. You might feel frustrated about these constant complaints without any action, and, as a result, you might decide to seek out the exact numbers of crimes in your area, to see if there has been a rise, or whether this is just perception. It is arguable that you are adopting a group role here, and that might be the role of ‘information-gatherer’. 

There is theory to explain why you may feel compelled to become the ‘information-gatherer’. In a paper called ‘Functional Roles of Group Members’ Kenneth Benne and Paul Sheats wrote about group roles and, in doing so, they identified several roles, including the role of ‘information-seeker’. Here are some of the group roles, and you can see that Benne and Sheats organised them into three different categories: 1. Group task roles; 2. Group building and maintenance roles; and 3. Individual (or dysfunctional) roles –
“Group Task Roles
Initiator-Contributor – suggests new ideas and ways of looking at problems or goals.
Information Seeker – asks for clarification and for supporting facts and authority.
Opinion Seeker – asks for clarification of pertinent values.
Information Giver – offers ‘authoritative’ facts or generalisations or relates relevant aspects of his or her own experience.
Opinion Giver – states belief or opinion, emphasising values rather than facts or information.
Elaborator – spells out suggestions (eg with examples), offers a rationale for proposals, and explores likely implications of proposals if adopted.
Coordinator – shows or clarifies relationships among ideas and suggestions, tries to pull them together, tries to coordinate activities.  
Orientor – defines the group’s position with respect to its goals by summarising what has occurred, identifies departures from agreed directions and goals, or raises questions about the direction discussion is taking.
Evaluator-Critic – assesses suggestions, etc, and questions their practicality, their logic, the facts, the procedure.
Energizer – prods the group to decision, action, ‘higher quality’, etc.
Procedural technician – expedites ‘group movement’ by performing routine, tasks, etc.
Recorder – writes down suggestions, records group decisions, acts, etc. As the ‘group memory’.
Group Building and Maintenance Roles
Encourager – praises, commends, agrees with and accepts the contributions of others. Conveys warmth and solidarity.
Harmonizer – attempts to reconcile disagreements, relieve tension by joking, etc.
[There is also the Compromiser, Gatekeeper/Expediter, Standard setter, Group Observer/Commentator and the Follower *** ]
Individual [or ‘Dysfunctional’] Roles
Aggressor – may seek to deflate the status of others, express disapproval of the values, acts and feelings of others, joke aggressively, try to take credit for another’s contribution.
Blocker – tends to be negative or stubbornly resistant, to disagree and oppose without and beyond reason, to reopen issues after the group has dealt with them.
[There is also the Recognition Seeker, Self-Confessor and Playboy [or Playgirl] *** ]
(*** For a full set of the group roles, please see ‘Functional Roles of Group Members’ - Journal of Social Sciences, Vol. 4, Issue 2)

So you may ask: So what? This is all very interesting on a theoretical level, but what does it mean for me? With awareness of the group role we may be adopting, we can see that

1.    There is a purpose for our behaviour. If we each adopt different roles, this might help achieve the tasks that the group has (consciously or unconsciously) formed to achieve. Knowing this can often counteract the frustration we initially felt when we thought that we were always the one who was doing all the work. Instead, we might see that each group member is still working in a way that fulfils a particular group role. 
2.    Conversely, we might see that we are the only one who is adopting a task role, and others are adopting dysfunctional or individualistic roles. With this awareness, we are in a better position to assertively challenge this dysfunctional behaviour.
3.    We can be flexible as the needs of the group develop. For example, once we have achieved the task of information-seeking, we might need to then adopt the role of information-giver. To know what roles are required of us, we need to understand what stage our group has reached in terms of group development. As a result, we will turn to the second aspect of group dynamics, and that is ‘group process’. 

Group process
Groups usually develop according to a predictable process. My favourite way of putting this is Bruce Tuckman’s approach: 
​
1.    Groups form, when there may be a lack of group cohesion, a lack of certainty as to which group roles each member should adopt, and a dependence on some sort of group leader.
2.    Groups storm, which means that group roles are slowly being allocated, but this may be the subject of dispute as the group establishes itself. 
3.    Groups norm, which means they (consciously or unconsciously) agree on how the group should be, and there is greater clarity in terms of group roles.
4.    Groups perform whatever task(s) they have (consciously or unconsciously) formed to achieve.
5.    Finally, groups adjourn, when the group task(s) have been achieved.

An awareness of group process can help us to understand what is happening, and it can offer the opportunity to become more sensitive to individual group members. For example, if we know that in the early stages of a group we are storming, we will expect more conflict and disruption, and we might be able to develop a healthy distance from this, seeing it as a natural, and important part of the group’s development. The same can be said for child development: If we have a general understanding of certain tasks that are expected of certain stages of child development, we can adopt a more understanding attitude towards that child or teenager.

Talking to a psychotherapist
Without awareness of what is going on, we can fall into a trap, and, as a result, we can end up doing things that we would not have chosen to do. Talking to a psychotherapist can help you to become aware of group dynamics. Once you have this awareness, you can work with the psychotherapist to make an informed choice about how to respond. You may decide to carry on in the same way, but if you decide to make a change, for example, by challenging a group member who is adopting a dysfunctional role, this can be difficult to manage alone. Other group members may have come to expect you to be a certain way, and so, working with the support of a psychotherapist, you can explore what life might be like if you did decide to change, and what strength and resources you have to face this challenge. 

Hope you found this informative.

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood NJ 07450 and Teaneck NJ 07666. 
To book an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com
https://www.exploretransform.com/
​

The traditional view of men is that we can't, or don't need to, talk about our inner experiences. This is not true. 

Men are able to, and need to, talk, but they are expected to 'man up' and remain silent.  We need to stop this.

Men are disproportionately represented in terms of substance abuse, the prison population, homelessness, and completed suicide. 

We need to nurture the idea that seeking help, and talking things over, is a sign of strength, not weakness. It is a smart aspect of masculinity to analyze a situation and say: 'Yes, on this one, I need to chat this over'.

The Men Talk group meets every second Wednesday of the month, and it offers men the opportunity to explore the issues that have been troubling them. We meet at 7.30pm in downtown Ridgewood, Bergen County, New Jersey. Places are by appointment only, so please call, email, or use the online booking system found here to ask for more details.

​Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, and adolescents.  Read more about his work on this page.
His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450

If you are a member or ally of the LGBTQ community, you may be interested in the LGBTQ group.  This is a chance to celebrate diversity, share stories, and share support.

We meet at 7.30pm every third Wednesday of the month in downtown Ridgewood, Bergen County, New Jersey. Places are by appointment only, so please call, email, or use the online booking system found here to ask for more details.
​
Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, and adolescents.  Read more about his work on this page.
His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450

​We all get angry.  Anger is an emotion as acceptable as any other, and yet for some their anger has become a problem.  They feel that they tend to react more angrily than the average person, and for some it has even threatened to ruin a career or destroyed a special relationship. So at what point is the expression of an emotion a problem that needs to be managed? 

​To help us understand this, we can look at anger in contrast with other emotions.  Why do some people feel that they react more angrily than others? –

• Anger and anxiety - If someone feels threatened and she tends to perceive herself as unable to cope in a situation, she will tend to feel anxious. However, if someone tends to focus on the violation of her rights when she feels threatened, she will tend to get angry rather than anxious.
• Anger and sadness - If someone is insulted and she tends to accept the insult, devaluing herself as a result, the emotion would tend to be sadness. However, in the same situation, if the person tends to reject the insult as unfounded and unacceptable, the resulting emotion would tend to be anger.  

Feeling an emotion, whether it is anger, anxiety, sadness, or any other emotion, is neither good nor bad.  It is just an emotion.  So at what point can we say that an angry reaction is unacceptable and problematic?  Most would agree that the tipping point is

• When the anger is in response to a distorted version of reality. Is it reasonable to say that one’s rights are really being violated, or is this just an imagined incursion, perhaps an echo from the past? 
• When the anger is a disproportionate reaction, when the situation does not warrant such an extreme reaction. Are we slamming our fist into the wall even when we cannot find our keys?  

If anger has become a problem, how can talking to a trained professional help?

• Twisted thinking?  A cognitive behavioural therapist would focus on a person’s thoughts and assumptions.  It might be that the client is thinking in an unhelpful way (some therapists refer to this as ‘twisted thinking’) and the therapist would offer the client an opportunity to challenge these thoughts.  Examples of twisted thinking include jumping to conclusions, generalising about situations, assuming things about other people (or ‘mind-reading’) and living by the ‘tyranny of the shoulds’ (the client believes that she should live a certain way, and the world should be a certain way). 

By way of illustration, a person might assume that everyone should be polite to each other, and as a result that person might feel angry every time someone is impolite to her.  Once the thoughts and assumptions are identified, the therapist will help the person to change any thoughts and assumptions that are unhelpful.  For example, the therapist might suggest that the person changes the should statement into ‘I would like people to be polite to each other, but I am aware that not everyone will be’.  This change in assumption might lead to less anger, as a result of less perceived violation of that person’s rights.

• Unmet needs and assertiveness. Anger is often a communication of unmet needs.  Talking to a therapist can help someone to identify those needs, and together the therapist and client can work out a more constructive way to ensure that those needs are met.  This can often involve assertiveness training, so that the client is able to communicate those needs without expressing anger in a disproportionate manner.
• Expression of emotion (rather than venting) Talking to a therapist might be an opportunity to express the anger, which might lead to new insights.  Many therapists draw a distinction between venting and expression of emotion.  Venting implies that anger is something to be eradicated, whereas expression of anger implies that this emotion might be a communication of something important about that client.  In their book on expressing emotion, Kennedy-Moore and Watson suggested three conditions for a constructive expression of anger –

‘When it is directed at the appropriate target.  Indirect strategies like punching pillows…do nothing to alter the source of anger…

1. When it does not lead to further retaliation by the target’ (for example, one could write an angry letter which is then torn up)
2. ‘When it results in changes in the perceptions of the expresser or the behaviour of the target.’

​Talking to a trained professional about anger management can be useful, but we cannot do anything until we are fully aware.  Some people deny that they are ever angry, and so it is important to reflect on this as anger can be communicated in a number of ways, passively and actively.  Consider carefully how you feel and how that makes you behave in certain situations.  It is okay to feel angry, but to what degree is that anger a response to a distorted version of reality?  And even if it is not distorted, is the extent of our anger a proportionate reaction to the situation?

What are your thoughts on this?

Chris Warren-Dickins is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood, New Jersey.  He specializes in psychotherapy for couples, adolescents, men, and the LGBTQ+ community. 
Sessions are available in-person at 162 E Ridgewood Ave, Ridgewood NJ 07451, or via the internet or telephone. Book a consultation today www.exploretransform.com

During Thanksgiving we may become crowded into a room full of people we barely wish to see.  Admit it, there are only one or two we really get along with.  You might feel the anger bubbling away beneath the surface, but you try to deny it.  So what to do with this anger?  Overeating and drinking is not a great option.  Try this -

First, target your anger.  Don’t try and pretend you are not angry, don’t try and shake it.  Really focus on it, and admit to yourself that you are angry.  I am not advocating confrontation.  You do not have to speak of the anger, you simply have to be aware of it, inside your own head and heart.  If we try and distort it into something else, hidden anger can lead to unhelpful experiences such as passive-aggression, depression, and procrastination.

Once you are clear that you are angry, and why, identify any accompanying emotions.  Usually you are not just angry, you are hurt or scared, or you feel there has been an injustice.  Why are you hurt?  Why are you scared?  What injustice do you perceive?

To identify the accompany emotions often gets to the heart of the anger, and helps you to see what needs to change.  You may need to do nothing, and simply acknowledging the anger, and the accompanying feeling, may lessen the intensity.  Even if it does not go away entirely, you can at least experience a little relief from it to enjoy the holiday.

Hope this helps.

​Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, and adolescents.  Read more about his work on this page.
His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450.  
Easy online booking is available by clicking here. Or feel free to call or email him 201-779-6917 / chris@exploretransform.com

So you have identified your anger, and you accept that you feel angry now and again.  No shame in that. 

But that is just the beginning. Often we feel a mixture of emotions along with anger.  The trick is to not become distracted by the enormity of the anger.  To do this, we might overlook things like disappointment, hurt, sadness, or even fear. These feelings might be a valuable source of information about what we need to change in our lives.  Don’t squander that information by focusing on just one emotion.

Take your time to allow feelings to drift into awareness.  Just notice them, without judgment.  And then start to identify them.  Feelings are usually identified with one.  If it is more than one word, this is often, instead, a thought.  Thoughts can be twisted all out of shape, and often thoughts are accompanied by a value judgment of right or wrong.  But feelings are never right or wrong, they are just your feelings.  They just exist.

You can use meditation to slowly become aware of your feelings, or you could use soothing music, or even the sound of the crashing sea (if you don't live near the ocean, there are plenty of 'natural soundtracks' available free online).  One further option is to simply focus on your breathing.

​Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, and adolescents.  Read more about his work on this page.
His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450.  
Easy online booking is available by clicking here. Or feel free to call or email him 201-779-6917 / chris@exploretransform.com

As a member of the LGBTQ community, we have experienced anger because we are likely to have experienced discrimination.  It comes with the territory.

Many people fear their anger, and these are four myths why -   

1. We believe that feeling anger is wrong.  This is a myth.  It is actually okay to feel anger, anytime, anywhere.  It doesn’t mean you have to act on it
2. We believe we don't get angry.  I call BS.  We all get angry, we are just aware of it to differing degrees.  It is important to be aware of our anger, and the cause of it. Otherwise it might leak out in passive-aggressive behaviour
3. If we express our anger, we will lose a friend or loved one.  Another myth.  If you have to communicate your anger, and you do so assertively (rather than aggressively or passively), it might be an opportunity for the other person to understand what is going on for you.  It is a fair thing to do.  It is a little unfair if they never know how they are impacting you
4. If we let the anger out, we will be unleashing a danger on the world.  It is not worth the risk.  As you can guess, this is another myth.  Don’t assume there will be disagreement, confrontation, and heartache.  Sometimes, once you have assertively communicated your experiences and needs, this offers an opportunity for connection with the other person. Your relationship might evolve for the better

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, and adolescents.  Read more about his work on this page.
His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450.  
Easy online booking is available by clicking here. Or feel free to call or email him 201-779-6917 / chris@exploretransform.com

I love this image because it shows that there can be a warm inner core, no matter what the exterior looks like.  It makes me think about our tendency to harden our outer self to protect the vulnerability inside. But by doing so, we can end up hiding our unique qualities, the special part that others should really see.

We all have to play a part, and sometimes that means we wear a mask of ice.  The mask carries negative connotations, because it suggests that we are not being authentic. But we cannot function in society without occasionally wearing a mask. Ever see this?:  'Ugh, today I haven't the strength to be an adult!'  We have to play a part in work, and we certainly have to with our kids:  After saying 'No' and 'Because I told you to' a hundred times, how many times have we stopped and realized we are starting to sound exactly like our parents?

But sometimes we forget to take the frozen mask off, and sometimes we are so used to wearing a mask, we forget that we even have those special qualities that glow inside of us.  With our close friends and loved ones, there shouldn't be the need to wear that mask.   

So I invite you to choose a safe place, perhaps when you are with just your loved one, and show them a glimpse of that inner glow.  You might remember sometimes special about yourself, but they might also feel willing to do the same in return.

​Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, and adolescents.  Read more about his work on this page.
His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450.  
Easy online booking is available by clicking here. Or feel free to call or email him 201-779-6917 / chris@exploretransform.com