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Ten tips to make a relationship work

11/28/2020

 
Caught up in a second wave, with conflicting working from home schedules and home-schooling, there is a danger that intimate relationships can become pressured to breaking point.

Here are ten tips to prevent further strain.  Your schedule is already overloaded, so these are not intended to be time-consuming.  You also do not need to radically alter your life, becoming a completely different person for each other.  Think of these as food for thought, and if these seem overwhelming, just take one at a time.


  1. Eye them up - Remember the intense intimacy of eye contact.  Cell phones get so much more attention than our loved ones, so try glancing up to catch that twinkling eye that once held your attention for so long.
  2. Numero Uno - Third parties (friends, family members, and neighbors) can offer a temporary distraction or additional insight, but your primary go-to person should be your significant other (or others if you are in a polyamorous relationship).
  3. Don’t Make Your Insider(s) an Outsider - You may have friends or relatives who have seen you through the ups and downs, who know a whole repertoire of inside jokes to share with you, but that does not mean that your significant other(s) should feel like an outsider.
  4. Professor of Our Intimate Other(s) - Over your years together you need to work hard to learn what keeps your intimate other feeling safe and secure.  This inevitably changes over time, with new challenges such as a new career, new stages in parenting, and a flipping pandemic to keep you on your toes.  But to show that we are willing to learn about each other is a fantastic first step in love and trust.
  5. Learn the Rules of Fight Club - In our intimate relationship we will fight, and that is okay, provided we follow mutually agreed-upon rules of fighting.  Such rules are likely to include physical or verbal abuse (and what exactly that means), but it might also include certain no-go areas that are either too sacred or too painful.
  6. Learn the Rules of Fun Club - Just as much as we need to fight well, we need to remember how to have fun.  With our careers and kids, families, and friends, it is so easy to forget the fun we can have in our intimate relationships.  Even if we have to schedule a time for pure old fashioned frolicking, do it!
  7. Pace Yourself - The frantic pace of life can take us away from our intimate other(s).  Now and again it would help to slow down the pace and just notice each other.  This can be as simple as touching each other’s hands and noticing the warmth.  There are various mindfulness exercises that can help with this, and the key point is to just notice (in a non-judgmental fashion) whatever comes up, not to try and change anything.
  8. Top and Tail the Day - No matter how busy things can get, try and establish some sort of ritual to start and end the day together.  Even if it is to turn the lights off together before you go to bed, or share some cereal in the morning.  Life is short, and you will look back on those simple moments with fondness.
  9. A Wealth of Health - It is easy to focus on finances, particularly in this economy, but taking care of each other’s health is equally important (not least because you cannot continue to work and earn without your health).  Checking in on each other to make sure they are keeping up with regular health checkups, including eating healthily and exercising, can be another opportunity to connect with each other.
  10. A Safe Space - I saved this one for last, and I view it as the most important one.  True intimacy can only be achieved when we know that we are safe.  It is physically impossible for our brain to truly enjoy intimacy and sensuality when we are in a fight or flight mode.  As a result, we need to create an environment in our relationship that fosters calm and safety.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey


www.exploretransform.com
Find a couples therapist, New Jersey

Understanding our brain and body

11/21/2020

 
A panic attack is terrifying, memory loss can be bewildering, and passing out can leave you frightened about a serious illness.  The worst part about all of this is the unknown.  

When my clients start to understand certain theories about how their brain and body is working, this can take a great deal of fear out of their symptoms.  They can also start to understand why we do certain things in the therapy session, and why these make them feel better.

One such theory is the Polyvagal Theory, as explained by psychiatrist Dr Stephen Porges.  In short, this theory helps us to understand how we manage to regulate our mind and body using the following three systems - 

1.  Social engagement system (for example, we communicate through facial expression and voice)
2.  Sympathetic nervous system - We use our torso and limbs to mobilize
3.  Parasympathetic nervous system - We become immobilized 

How we use each system depends upon if we are safe or unsafe.  For example -

1. If we are unsafe then we will use the social engagement system to use appeasement or denial or negotiation.  If we feel safe, we will use this to play, experience sensuality, and experience sexuality.
2.  If we are unsafe and we cannot use our social engagement system, we will use our torso and limbs to mobilize (fight or flight).  If we feel safe, we will enjoy work, sport, dance, yoga, sex and art (not all at the same time!).
3.  Finally, if we are unsafe and we cannot mobilize ourselves, then we become immobilized and freeze or dissociate (for example, if we believe our life is in danger).  If we feel safe, we will sleep or meditate.

The Polygvagal Theory is further explained in this fantastic video by Mattias Schwenteck.  I also included an infographic to help you conceptualize this. 

Finally, I have included a video issued by the EMDR International Association, and this explains a little more about EMDR, a type of therapy that can help us when we feel unsafe.  Find out more about EMDR.

Check it out, and let me know if any of this resonates with you.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com
Trauma therapist, Ridgewood NJ

Are They Affirmative or Accepting?

11/20/2020

 
It is hard to open up to someone and admit that you are struggling.  So imagine what it is like when you do finally reach out, and you feel vulnerable, and you are met with more judgment, gaslighting, bullying and shaming.  And imagine if all of this is thrown at you by your own therapist, doctor, pastor, or teacher.

This happens on a daily basis.  I have met countless professionals who work with the LGBTQ+ community when they should not.  They should be marked with a red line around them and a warning sign that they are toxic and likely to further traumatize you.  They smile and nod, claiming that they never turn away ‘such clients’, and then they let slip that their religious views do not allow them to recognize gender diversity, and they view marriage and adoption as available only for a man and woman, and their personal views do not allow for LGBTQ+ education in their schools or churches.  And so it goes on (the potential for discrimination is endless).

As a community, we need to make sure that we are only seeking help from professionals who are affirming.  It is not enough that they accept us, or turn a blind eye, or overlook certain aspects.  Dr Jamie Marich recently wrote an open letter about this important distinction, and it is an essential read.   Dr Marich explains that some of these professionals are working with members of the LGBTQ+ community when the professionals still hold onto harmful beliefs such as 'hate the sin, love the sinner', or using terminology such as ''choice', 'preference', 'lifestyle' and 'sin'.

If you encounter a professional who falls short of affirming you then ask them for a referral to someone who can.  A non-affirming professional does not have the expertise to understand the cumulative impact of microaggressions, and no matter how hard they claim that they are 'putting aside their personal beliefs', these will leak out and the relationship will fail.  Due to the power imbalance, it is likely that the professional will leave you with the feeling that you are to blame for this failure.  If you are already feeling vulnerable and in need of help, this could be catastrophic.  As Dr Marich points out, non-affirming professionals who insist on working with us are 'literally killing members of the LGBTQ+ community’. 

Take care when you trust a professional.  If they are not willing or able to affirm you, they are not in a position to truly help you.    

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com
Affirmative therapy in Ridgewood NJ

Learn how to move beyond your past

11/13/2020

 
Negative experiences from your past can trap you in anxiety or depression. You can end up believing that you are constantly unsafe, or there is something intrinsically wrong with you. Stuck in a 'fight or flight' mode, your brain is unable to function effectively, and so you need the help of a professional.

​EMDR is considered to be an A level of treatment for trauma (World Health Organization) and it is recognized by the National Institute for Clinical Excellence as one of two empirically supported treatments of choice for adult PTSD.

Find out more today

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey

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Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
​Psychotherapist (Licensed Professional Counselor)
and author of various mental health books 
​(survival guides for depression, anxiety, and trauma).

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Due to the COVID-19 health crisis, we are only offering sessions online. 
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​(prior address - 162 E Ridgewood Ave, #4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450)

Telephone: +1-201-779-6917

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