When it comes to sexual violence, misleading information can lead to disastrous consequences.  Survivors of sexual violence can end up without any recourse to justice, because they are not believed, or not understood.  And perpetrators can remain free to perpetrate again.

​It is important, therefore, to set out a few clear facts about sexual violence - 

• Sexual violence is about power and control. If you are focusing on the sexual element of it, you are missing the point
• Sexual violence is not just about rape. It is a broad definition which differs from state to state, but is generally accepted to include the following. And note that it includes unwanted sexual comments, attempting to remove someone’s clothing without consent, and exposure of genitalia:  
• “Any sexual act, attempt to obtain a sexual act, unwanted sexual comments or advances, or acts to traffic or otherwise directed against a person’s sexuality using coercion, by any person regardless of their relationship to the victim, in any setting, including but not limited to home and work’
• Coercion can encompass: 
• • varying degrees of force; 
• • psychological intimidation; 
• • blackmail; or 
• • threats (of physical harm or of not obtaining a job/grade etc.). 
• In addition, sexual violence may also take place when someone is not able to give consent – for instance, while intoxicated, drugged, asleep or mentally incapacitated (World Health Organization (WHO))”
• Amongst certain sections of society, there is a culture of ‘turning a blind eye’ to certain behaviour and language used against females and minorities. If you turn a blind eye to this behaviour, you are aiding and abetting sexual violence
• Men can be survivors of sexual violence as much as women can be perpetrators
• Even if just one person comes forward, and they have evidence to prove that another person engaged in sexual violence, that person is a perpetrator. It only takes one incident to make that person a perpetrator
• No matter how long ago it happened, it is still sexual violence

If you find the subject matter of this stressful in any way, take time out to look after yourself in whatever way you can. That might include taking a break from the news, social media, listening to relaxing music, prayer, meditation, losing yourself in a book of fiction, watching an uplifting television programme, or whatever allows you to disconnect from this subject matter for a while. Just long enough to regain your strength.

If you need to talk to someone, then seek help from a trained professional. 
If you would like to talk to me, you can contact me on the details set out below.  I have trained with Survivors UK to work with survivors of sexual violence. 
If you would prefer to speak to a female, I can put you in touch with someone.

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC
Telephone: (201) 779-6917
Email: chris@exploretransform.com
Online booking:  https://www.therapyportal.com/p/cwarrendickins/

If food and eating has become an issue for you, you might like to try mindfulness.  Mindfulness helps you to focus on the present.  You become aware of every aspect of what you are doing, even if that is uncomfortable.

Try and notice become aware of your thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations at every stage of your encounter with food and eating:
1.  When you anticipate eating
2.  When you purchase food
3.  When you prepare food
4.  When you eat food
5.  After consumption, including the clearing up process. 

Try not to change anything but simply become aware of every aspect of the experience.  Try also to eat a meal silently and slowly, so that you are aware of every part of the process.  What do you notice about the colours, the textures, and your thoughts and feelings as you eat?  Ask yourself how much food you want.  Are you aware of any impulses?  What sensations tell you that you have had enough?
 
If you focus your attention, you might start to see how much control you have over your eating. 
 
Let me know how you get on with this.

Chris Warren-Dickins is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood, New Jersey.  He specializes in psychotherapy for couples, adolescents, men, and the LGBTQ+ community. 
Sessions are available in-person at 162 E Ridgewood Ave, Ridgewood NJ 07451, or via the internet or telephone. Book a consultation today www.exploretransform.com

​A common assumption underpinning depression is:  'I do not have the ability or resources to handle situations.  I am somehow deficient'.

When something negative happens, instead of thinking of all the possible reasons why this might have occurred, someone who is depressed will often assume the negative situation has arisen because of their underpinning assumption that they are deficient.

At this point, it might be useful to consider the wisdom of others.  Is there someone you know who is good at coping with this sort of situation?  If so, what would they do?  How would they think and act in relation to this event?  

And if you are not sure how they cope, why not ask them?  You might be surprised about the assumptions you have made.

​Chris Warren-Dickins LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, Bergen County, New Jersey
T: (201) 779-6917              E: chris@exploretransform.com                               
W: www.exploretransform.com

Things just don’t feel right.  All around you there are signs that you should be happy, and yet you ache with a nagging sense of discontent. 

In the news we are hearing how Facebook is linked to depression.  Perhaps.  But depression, discontent, generally feeling in a funk are states of mind, body and spirit that have roamed this earth long before Mark Zuckerberg made his mark.  So where can we lay the blame?  We start to rummage around in the past, trying to find clues for where it all went wrong, but if the problems are here in the present, isn’t that where we should look?

When I sit with clients I often see how hard they strain away from their present skin, whether that is because they are longing to see a future change that may or may not ever happen, or because they are caught in a prism of mirrors that they hold up to a past that changes each time they look at it.  They are lost from the present, either because what is here and now is too painful, or perhaps simply they have formed a habit of constantly looking back or forward.

The funny thing about the present is that it is always here for us to look at.  We do not have to flick through photos to remember, or drum our fingers as we count down the days to a future possible.  It is here for the taking, and that carries a measure of control with it.  We have the ability to control how much we immerse ourselves in the here and now, accepting what is without trying to change.

Sometimes the present is too painful.  We have all developed coping mechanisms, and avoidance is one form of coping mechanism.  In the case of extreme trauma we can suffer post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and in this case we dissociate from our present feelings (we become emotionally numbed) because if we were to connect with them we might become overwhelmed. 

In less extreme cases, we may be avoiding the present because we believe the pain would be too much to handle.  Sometimes the fear of unravelling is too much, so we keep it all held tightly in.  In this case, perhaps we could try small steps towards awareness of the present.  I am a firm believer that we cannot achieve change until we have become fully aware (and accepted) what is.  So I see the process of change as –

1. Awareness, and only then…
2. Acceptance, and only then…
3. Change

A useful starting point with awareness and acceptance is a mindfulness technique called the ‘Three Minute Breathing Space’.  There are many versions of this widely available, and I originally discovered this in Jon Kabat-Zinn’s ‘Full Catastrophe Living’ (2001) but below is my version.  In my version I have separated out the three dimensions of our awareness into… 

1. Our thoughts,
2. Our feelings, and
3. Our sensations

In this three minute breathing space we are simply becoming aware of the present.  We are not trying to change anything, we are simply using our breath to anchor us in the present and accept what is.  It is not necessarily a relaxation exercise, because accepting what is in the present may be acceptance of a state that is far from relaxed!

Sit in a quiet room where there are no distractions.  Let your breathing be the anchor to hold you in the present.  Just notice your breath, and do not try to change anything.  As you breathe –

1. You may become aware of thoughts bubbling up into your mind. Let them bubble up, and do not try to change anything.  Just be aware of your thoughts, and consider that you are not your thoughts.  They do not define you, and they cannot harm you.  They are just thoughts.  If your mind wanders, let it and then gently bring your awareness back to your breathing, so that it anchors you in the present.
2. You may become aware of sensations in your body, such as discomfort, tightness in certain parts. Again, just notice these sensations and try not to do anything about them.  Gently bring your awareness back to your breathing so that it anchors you in the present.
3. You may become aware of feelings, including frustration or anger, perhaps sadness. Allow these feelings to bubble up and try not to change anything.  Just be aware of the feelings, and gently bring your awareness back to the present by focusing back on your breathing.

The most important aspect of this exercise is your experience of it.  If you experience thoughts of ‘mumbo jumbo nonsense’, a sensation like a tight steel ball in the pit of your stomach, or feelings of anger, that is already giving you more awareness than you may have been experiencing before the exercise.  Give it a try.  I would be interested to hear how you experience it.
For more information on managing anxiety, have a look at my Individual Therapy page by clicking here

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, Bergen County, New Jersey
T: (201) 779-6917              E: chris@exploretransform.com                               
W: www.exploretransform.com
​

When we feel anxious, our thoughts can become overwhelming.  But thoughts are just like bubbles - they appear, temporarily, but then they float away or burst before your eyes.

For more information on managing anxiety, have a look at my Individual Therapy page by clicking here

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, Bergen County, New Jersey
T: (201) 779-6917              E: chris@exploretransform.com                               
W: www.exploretransform.com

Here are 10 top tips for anger management.  Hope you find these useful! - 
​
1.     Anger is often a communication of unmet needs.  Often we can only work on anger management if we identify, and try and meet, those unmet needs

2.     Anger as an emotion is okay.  It is the behaviour that accompanies the emotion that is problematic

3.     Assertiveness training can often help with anger management.  This enables someone to communicate their needs without expressing anger in a disproportionate manner

4.     Anger tends to be viewed as problematic if it is a disproportionate reaction to a situation

5.     Anger is unhelpful when it is caused by distorted thinking.  For example, someone might get angry in a situation because of painful memories, rather than anything that is particularly threatening in the present

6.     Contrast anger and anxiety:  Anger is often someone focusing on a perceived violation of their rights, whereas someone is often anxious because they believe that they are unable to cope in a situation

7.     Contrast anger and sadness:  If someone is insulted and she tends to accept the insult, devaluing herself as a result, the emotion would tend to be sadness.  However, in the same situation, if the person tends to reject the insult as unfounded and unacceptable, the resulting emotion would tend to be anger

8.     Therapists will often offer Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to help with anger management.  This helps someone examine unhelpful thinking patterns that might fuel the anger.  Examples of unhelpful thinking include jumping to conclusions, generalising about situations, assuming things about other people (or ‘mind-reading’) and living by the ‘tyranny of the shoulds’ (the client believes that she should live a certain way, and the world should be a certain way)

9.     Many therapists agree that it is useful to find a safe way to express emotions, but it is not necessarily useful to vent emotions.  Venting anger implies that it is eradicated, whereas expression of anger implies that something important about that person is communicated

10.  Some people find this useful:  Name it (as anger, not pretending to be something else), claim it (as your anger, not someone else’s), Aim it (at the correct cause of our anger), Tame it (so that it does not become destructive)

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood NJ 07450 and Teaneck NJ 07666. To book an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com
​

Here is a menu of services available with Chris Warren-Dickins LPC, based in Ridgewood, Bergen County, New Jersey - 

• Couples therapy
• Individual therapy

• Affirmative therapy for the LGBTQ community

• Men's therapy
• Therapy for adolescents

If you need to ask any questions, you can do this, for free, by calling Chris Warren-Dickins LPC on (201) 779-6917, or sending him an email at chris@exploretransform.com

If you are ready to book a consultation, you can use the online booking function by clicking here.  Or simply call or email.

Look forward to meeting you!

• Affirmative therapy for the LGBTQ community

I have just finished Ryan Berg’s book ‘No House to Call My Home’, a gripping account of his experiences as a case worker in a New York home for LGBTQ homeless youth.

In an interview about his book, Ryan points out that “forty percent of homeless youth in the US identify as LGBTQ but make up only eight percent of the population. Nearly half of transgender youth report having experienced homelessness at one time or another in their lives. Many get turned away from shelter or services due to their gender identity”.

So what can we do? On a societal level, the Ali Forney Center does some excellent work with homeless LGBTQ youth.  On an individual level, as Ryan suggested, often youths in the foster care system have their stories dictated to them.  Instead, we must work with them to help them to learn “to be the custodian of their own narrative".

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, Bergen County, New Jersey
T: (201) 779-6917              E: chris@exploretransform.com                               
W: www.exploretransform.com

It is hard to take that first step, and booking a therapy session.  Why not ask Chris Warren-Dickins LPC any questions. 
You can call or email him
Telephone - (201) 779-6917
Email - chris@exploretransform.com
www.exploretransform.com