UNFORTUNATELY WE ARE NOT ACCEPTING NEW CLIENTS
  • HOME
  • EMDR THERAPY
  • MEN'S THERAPY
  • AFFIRMATIVE LGBTQ THERAPY
  • Audio therapy
  • CONTACT YOUR THERAPIST
  • ABOUT
  • FEES & INSURANCE
  • BLOG
Picture
Book an Appointment
LEARN MORE

The stunned silence of an anxious mind

10/17/2020

 
Does any of this sound familiar?

No matter how much you learn, you still lack confidence at work and at home.  This lack of confidence is experienced as a blank mind when you need it the most, and this sends you spiraling into despair, only making things worse.

Or perhaps, instead of a blank mind, your heart races so much that you fear you will collapse, or you press your nails into your palm as you long for a meeting to end. Alternatively, you cannot bring yourself to leave the house, or meet up with that group of people for fear of what you or they may think.

In all of these cases, anxiety has taken hold.

You are not incompetent, but the more you despair at this blankness, or racing heart, or urge to run out of the room, the less competent you will appear.  In work, at meetings and during presentations, or at home, with your partner, your kids, or both, your mind is stuck in fight or flight, and you have lost the ability to think clearly.

Now consider this

What images come to mind when you experience anxiety?
An M&A lawyer called Raoul sits in a meeting and his mind goes blank.  He sees himself as an airline pilot; one bad decision and (in his own words) he ‘could crash the plane, killing everyone on board’.  What a catastrophic image, and no wonder he is petrified.  But it is not the truth, and Raoul knows that he is not an airline pilot.  But his emotions tell him otherwise; the fear of failure is experienced as a catastrophe.

So what are you telling yourself about this situation?
What is Raoul telling himself that could fuel his anxiety?  Perhaps he tells himself that if he makes a mistake in this meeting he will lose his job.  Is he making assumptions and filling the gap where he lacks information?  For example, has he made any mistakes?  Do any of these mistakes warrant termination of his employment?  Is he assuming others will view even one mistake as seriously as his emotions interpret this (remember, he views this as a plane crash where everyone is killed).  Is he overlooking the fact that people learn from mistakes.  Is he under-estimating his own ability and over-estimating the ability of others?

There are so many different ways you can beat yourself up and make your anxiety worse.  And the irony is that the harder you are on yourself, the more likely you are to perform badly. How can anyone trust your ability if you cannot trust yourself?

Stuck on faulty beliefs
So Raoul realizes he is making assumptions in his meeting, and he doesn’t have all the facts.  Even when he starts to accept this, he still gets stuck on faulty beliefs that he holds about himself.  These are the types of beliefs that we have held onto for years, and for so long that we assume it is a ‘truth universally acknowledged’! (Jane Austen).  Despite evidence to the contrary, Raoul cannot escape the belief that he is ‘not good enough’.  This belief is faulty because it is overly-simplistic; it cannot possibly apply to every single situation, and yet it remains hanging around his neck, dragging him down every time he goes to a meeting, and every time he gets close to someone.

Do you reject parts of yourself?
Be honest: As you read this, have you grown impatient?  Does this impatience cause you to push uncomfortable feelings away, too afraid to sit with them for fear that they might overwhelm you?  Raoul would call this his Corporate Tyrant part, and he would use it to chastise himself for expressing any sensitivity, referring to his emotions as an inconvenience (at best) and something contemptible (at worst).

Eventually Raoul was able to speak to his Corporate Tyrant part and thank him for getting him so far in his career.  However, he acknowledged that the Corporate Tyrant seemed tired and perhaps needed to rest.  Once this happened, Raoul was able to articulate that he could see life needed a balance:  Yes, he sometimes needed the Corporate Tyrant, but he also needed some sensitivity, and he needed to listen more to the emotions he had neglected for so long (and which were trying to make themselves known through his anxiety).  In fact, by turning away from his emotions, these important sources of information, he had lost two important relationships.

How to soothe your anxious mind
The next time you find yourself in the grip of anxiety (whether it takes the form of a blank mind or an overwhelming urge to avoid all social interaction), soothe yourself by considering these four questions:

  1. When you think of the situation that makes you anxious, what image do you conjure up? Have you fabricated a catastrophe that is far from reality?
  2. What are you telling yourself about that situation, and what assumptions are you making?
  3. Are you stuck on overly-simplistic beliefs about yourself or others?
  4. Are you rejecting parts of yourself that might offer important information?

I hope you find this useful.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com


Anxiety Therapist New Jersey

Comments are closed.

    Therapy Blog


    Book online
    LEARN MORE

    Picture
    Subscribe in a reader

    RSS Feed

    Archives

    October 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
​Psychotherapist (Licensed Professional Counselor)
and author of various mental health books 
​(survival guides for depression, anxiety, and trauma).

Book an Appointment

Please note - We are not accepting new clients at this time

LEARN MORE
Due to the COVID-19 health crisis, we are only offering sessions online. 
​
Our address is 143 E Ridgewood Ave, #1484, Ridgewood, NJ 07450
​(prior address - 162 E Ridgewood Ave, #4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450)

Telephone: +1-201-779-6917

Providing inclusive counseling and psychotherapy for the whole of New Jersey and Maine
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture

© COPYRIGHT 2023 CHRIS WARREN-DICKINS.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.  NJ LICENCE # 37PC00618700. ME LICENCE # MF6904
  • HOME
  • EMDR THERAPY
  • MEN'S THERAPY
  • AFFIRMATIVE LGBTQ THERAPY
  • Audio therapy
  • CONTACT YOUR THERAPIST
  • ABOUT
  • FEES & INSURANCE
  • BLOG