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In the US, there is a bias towards extroversion. As a result, loneliness and solitude can be misinterpreted as the same thing. Loneliness isn't a numbers game; you can feel lonely in a crowded room. Loneliness involves feeling emotionally disconnected from others, either because they don't care, respect, or understand you. So, loneliness is about the quality of our social interactions rather than the quantity. Another way of putting it is that loneliness is defined by a gap between your expectation for meaningful social connection, and the reality you experience. The U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has referred to loneliness as a public health epidemic, and yet people rarely admit that they are lonely or socially isolated. It seems that people are more willing to admit that they are stressed than to talk about loneliness and isolation. Despite the lack of discourse, research shows that many people are feeling lonelier and more socially isolated since the COVID-19 pandemic. When we look at the quality of our relationships, we can often find the source of our loneliness. For example, we might be stuck in unhelpful patterns with our friends and family, unable to live authentically out of fear of rejection or judgment. To change this can sometimes require a deep dive into the expectations and assumptions that were given to us at an early age. Therapy is a wonderful opportunity to examine each expectation and assumption and decide whether we need to keep these or discard them, replacing them with something that is a better fit. This is where a psychotherapist can help you with loneliness. We can help you to identify loneliness as one of the root causes of your mental distress, and then we can then help you to plan how you are going to tackle this. For example, as a result of working together, you might realize that you need to address the quality, not just the quantity, of your connections, so you can make informed choices to better protect your mental health. Learn more about loneliness here. Alternatively, book online for a free telephone call with me. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey   For survivors of trauma, burnout can occur when we try to work against unhelpful beliefs that have been created by the trauma. For example, if the trauma results from an adverse childhood, we can develop the belief that we are "not good enough" or "unworthy." As a result, we can spend our adulthood working harder and harder, trying to prove to ourselves (and others) that we are "good enough" or "worthy." We might, for example, develop perfectionistic tendencies in our working life as much as our personal relationships: "If I could just work harder at this and stop making mistakes," for example, "I might feel good enough or worthy." In such cases, there is a high risk of burnout.
A survivor of trauma might also risk burnout by overly focusing on something (for example, work or a business, or even a hobby). We might do this to distract ourselves from our trauma, or this excessive focus might give us a sense of power and control to counterbalance the feelings of powerlessness or helplessness that inevitably develop from trauma. For years, we have been working with survivors of trauma using EMDR and Polyvagal theory. On this page, you will find a great deal of information about Polyvagal theory and EMDR. Learn more about burnout and trauma by talking to me, an experienced psychotherapist in New Jersey. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey We often feel powerless to our thoughts and feelings, but more is within our control than we believe. According to Polyvagal theory, your ventral vagal nerve connects with your sinoatrial node (the heart’s pacemaker), and so it has been given the nickname the "vagal brake". Without the vagal nerve, the heart would beat faster and faster. The ventral vagus nerve slows down or speeds up the heart depending on the circumstances, and so the more familiar you are with how you can use this nerve, the more flexible you can become in response to life’s events. Studies show that if we can slow our heart rate down, for example with some simply breathing exercises (such as box breathing), we can slow down our mind and reduce the intensity of stressful events. This has an impact on our physical health because less stress means less of the harmful stress hormones such as cortisol and epinephrine. Increased levels of epinephrine damage blood vessels and arteries and raise blood pressure, and excessive cortisol levels result in increased fat tissue. One easy next step you can take is to make a list of all the moments where you notice that you feel safe and calm (in other words, when you are in your ventral vagal state). This could be a calming walk in nature, a comforting rest in front of a good book, or cuddling your pets or children. Bring back an image that represents the best part of that safe and calming moment, and breathe it in, trying to reduce the speed of your heart rate. If you manage to do this, you will have taken your first step towards exercising control over your "vagal brake". Learn more about this by talking to me, an experienced psychotherapist in New Jersey, or having a read of Beyond Your Confines and the accompanying workbook. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey  “I never realized you were depressed; you always had a smile on your face,” or “I didn’t know they were suicidal because they always turned up for work and got the job done.” Depression is hard to spot, so that’s why a psychotherapist will work hard to get to know each individual client, so they know what depression looks like for them. The beast of depression is a multifaceted creature. For some, it shows itself as anger and frustration whereas for others it is tears or disconnection. That can make it tricky for you to recognize it in yourself and your loved ones. I always explain to clients that you know yourself and you know your loved ones. So, in your eyes, are there significant changes? Is someone who is usually peaceful and reserved acting in an explosive and hostile way? Is someone who is usually sporty and outgoing giving up on friends and activities? I also like to point to excess as a key identifier for depression: Is someone working excessively, eating excessively, or are they excessively explosive? From a Polyvagal perspective, this is when someone is in the sympathetic fight-or-flight state. The nervous system detects cues of danger, and we respond by fighting or fleeing in an attempt to establish safety. Excess can show itself in other ways. Is someone excessively scrolling through social media, staring into space, or becoming forgetful? From a Polyvagal perspective, this is when someone is in the dorsal vagal (shutdown) state. The nervous system detects cues of danger, and we respond by shutting down or numbing out because it feels like there is no hope of escape. Faced with depression, our first goal is to recognize when we are in these states where we sense danger (sympathetic fight-or-flight state, or dorsal vagal shutdown state). Compassionate is a crucial approach to depression, so we need to be curious about what state we are in, and why this might be happening. The second goal with depression is to identify when we are in a ventral vagal state; in other words, when we feel safe and calm. These might be few and far between, but if we can identify one or two, we can build on those and try and replicate them as much as possible. For example, we might feel safe and calm when we think of a beach or see the color purple, or when we are around a particularly supportive friend or family member. The more flexible we become, recognizing that there is a state of safety and calm, not just the fight-or-flight and shutdown states, the easier we will ride the ups and downs of life. As Dr Gabor Mate once wrote, “it’s not about feeling better. It’s about getting better at feeling.” Book online today for a free telephone call with Chris Warren-Dickins, psychotherapist in New Jersey. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist & Author Counseling & Psychotherapy in Ridgewood, New Jersey  We all experience stress but how much is too much? Would you recognize when you are experiencing burnout, and when you are experiencing stress? Stress is usually temporary, and it involves frenetic energy when you constantly feel on edge. You feel frantic, overly burdened, and your racing thoughts might make it difficult to sleep or concentrate at work. For the most part, with regular periods of rest, you are quickly able to recover from stress. Burnout is more of a long-term threat to your mental health. It is a persistent state of exhaustion, leaving you feeling depleted, sometimes even numb, and full of cynicism. In some cases, you can completely detach from the environment that is contributing to your burnout. Today we are facing rapid changes in technology (for example, AI and social media) and a rapidly changing geo-political landscape at home and abroad. It is inevitable that we will feel stressed, but we do not have to experience burnout. Get in touch if you would like to share how stress and burnout is impacting your life. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey  Powerlessness is one of the trickier challenges to our mental health. What good is looking at coping strategies if we feel powerless to implement them?
The opposite of powerlessness is autonomy, or a sense of control over your life. This takes self-awareness, and sometimes that is difficult to do on your own. That is where a psychotherapist can help, to hold up that “mirror” so you can see yourself clearly. With a clearer sense of self, you can make better decisions about your life. Technology hasn’t helped with our feelings of powerlessness: Artificial Intelligence (AI) threatens to strip us of more and more of our skills and careers. The trouble is, when we use our skills, we feel competent and accomplished. Without that opportunity, we run a greater risk of developing mental health conditions. To challenge your feelings of powerlessness, resist adopting an ‘all-or-nothing’ approach. We are neither powerless nor powerful; there are differing degrees of power in different domains of your life. Savor the moments when you feel a sense of autonomy, and learn how to soothe yourself when things feel less within your control. If you need to speak to an experienced psychotherapist about powerlessness, book online for a free callback. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey Explore Transform LLC The U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy called loneliness a public health epidemic, and yet people rarely admit that they are lonely or socially isolated. Studies show that we are more willing to admit to any number of physical ailments than to admit we are lonely.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) defined loneliness as a “feeling like you do not have meaningful or close relationships or a sense of belonging.” To lack meaningful or close relationships, to lack a sense of belonging, can be exceptionally damaging to a person’s mental health. Studies show there is a high correlation between loneliness and depression, anxiety, and other mental health challenges. Loneliness isn't a numbers game; you can feel lonely in a crowded room. Loneliness involves feeling emotionally disconnected from others, either because they don't care, respect, or understand you. So, loneliness is about the quality of our social interactions rather than the quantity. Another way of putting it is that loneliness is defined by a gap between your expectation for meaningful social connection, and the reality you experience. It can be one of the most powerful experiences to work with a therapist and figure out your approach to a relationship. You might do things without realizing it, setting yourself up for a fall, and yet when you form a relationship with a therapist, you can start to understand those patterns. If you need to speak to an experienced psychotherapist about loneliness, book online for a free callback. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey Explore Transform LLC Five dangers of burnout:
1 Research shows that burnout can thin the gray matter of your prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain that is responsible for important functions such as reasoning and decision-making), and it can enlarge the amygdala (the brain’s alarm system). As a result, when our alarm system goes into overdrive, we sense threat when there is none, and we are less able to mediate this heightened state with cool, calming reason. 2 An amygdala in overdrive activates the sympathetic nervous system, our fight-or-flight response, which can lead to higher levels of stress hormones, including cortisol and epinephrine. Increased levels of epinephrine damage blood vessels and arteries and raise blood pressure, and excessive cortisol levels result in an increased fat tissue. 3 Burnout occurs when there is chronic stress that has not been successfully managed, and to borrow from the World Health Organization’s definition, it is characterized by “feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion,” “feelings of negativism or cynicism,” and reduced “efficacy.” This often results in a vicious cycle, where the reduced efficacy feeds the negativism and cynicism, which leads to greater feelings of energy depletion and exhaustion. 4 Keep an eye out for the following signs of burnout. If you have any concerns, consult your doctor or therapist: Exhaustion Insomnia Helplessness Changes in your eating habits Anger… …Irritability Cynicism Reduced interest in things you usually enjoy An inability to think clearly Apathy An overwhelmingly negative outlook on life Breathlessness Reduced effectiveness with tasks Dizziness 5 Arguably, we are at a greater risk of burnout because of our increased dependence on technology. We jump to respond to every alert and notification, and this takes us away from moments of connection with ourselves and others… …As a result, our window of tolerance shrinks, making us more reactive and less in touch with our natural rhythms and the resulting wisdom. If you would like to talk to an experienced psychotherapist about burnout, please book online for a free callback. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey Explore Transform LLC  “I never realized you were depressed; you always had a smile on your face,” or “I didn’t know they were suicidal because they always turned up for work and got the job done.” Depression is hard to spot, so that’s why a psychotherapist will work hard to get to know each individual client, so they know what depression looks like for them.
The beast of depression is a multifaceted creature. For some, it shows itself as anger and frustration whereas for others it is tears or disconnection. That can make it tricky for you to recognize it in yourself and your loved ones. I always explain to clients that you know yourself and you know your loved ones. So, in your eyes, are there significant changes? Is someone who is usually peaceful and reserved acting in an explosive and hostile way? Is someone who is usually sporty and outgoing giving up on friends and activities? I also like to point to excess as a key identifier for depression: Is someone working excessively, eating excessively, or are they excessively explosive? From a Polyvagal perspective, this is when someone is in the sympathetic fight-or-flight state. The nervous system detects cues of danger, and we respond by fighting or fleeing in an attempt to establish safety. Excess can show itself in other ways. Is someone excessively scrolling through social media, staring into space, or becoming forgetful? From a Polyvagal perspective, this is when someone is in the dorsal vagal (shutdown) state. The nervous system detects cues of danger, and we respond by shutting down or numbing out because it feels like there is no hope of escape. Faced with depression, our first goal is to recognize when we are in these states where we sense danger (sympathetic fight-or-flight state, or dorsal vagal shutdown state). Compassionate is a crucial approach to depression, so we need to be curious about what state we are in, and why this might be happening. The second goal with depression is to identify when we are in a ventral vagal state; in other words, when we feel safe and calm. These might be few and far between, but if we can identify one or two, we can build on those and try and replicate them as much as possible. For example, we might feel safe and calm when we think of a beach or see the color purple, or when we are around a particularly supportive friend or family member. The more flexible we become, recognizing that there is a state of safety and calm, not just the fight-or-flight and shutdown states, the easier we will ride the ups and downs of life. As Dr Gabor Mate once wrote, “it’s not about feeling better. It’s about getting better at feeling.” Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist & Author Counseling & Psychotherapy in Ridgewood, New Jersey The Four Elements of Stress Reduction, by Elan Shapiro. This is a quick exercise to help you manage stress and anxiety. I have recorded an audio version so you can save it to your phone, and use it as and when you need. I hope you find it useful.
Go gently. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist at Explore Transform Ridgewood, New Jersey Do you notice you tend to people-please, even to your detriment? You might be stuck in a trauma response called "fawning". Here's a great video to explain more. Most importantly, it explains what you can do about it. Book online today if you would like to explore more about the fawn response, and other responses of your nervous system. You can book online for a free initial telephone call. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist at Explore Transform LLC Counseling & Psychotherapy in Ridgewood, New Jersey It is good to cooperate, but sometimes, we can end up making sacrifices when we don’t have to. When we get stuck in a response, we lose the ability to respond in an appropriate way. When we get stuck in a response, we cannot weigh up the pros and cons and make an informed decision based on the present reality. When we get stuck in a response, we are responding to the past trauma(s) rather than the present. Pete Walker, a therapist who specializes in trauma, identified the “fawn response” as one of the various trauma responses. You have probably already heard of fight, flight, or freeze, but often people overlook the fawn response. As we are a society that demands cooperation, I wonder if we have developed a blind spot to this trauma response. Here are a few telltale signs to identify if you are in a fawn (trauma) response rather than just being cooperative: 1.You make sacrifices for other people without considering your own feelings and needs. 2.You know rationally that you can refuse to comply with a request, but you feel like you have no other choice. 3.You frequently apologize. 4.Fear prevents you from making decisions. 5.You feel responsible for everyone’s feelings and needs. 6.You act according to the values of others, rather than your own values. 7.You feel invisible in a group. 8.When you feel angry, you feel guilty. (Note the difference between feeling angry and acting on anger.) Book online today if you would like to explore more about the fawn response, and other responses of your nervous system. You can book online for a free initial telephone call. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist at Explore Transform LLC Counseling & Psychotherapy in Ridgewood, New Jersey  Have you ever heard of the freeze response? Dr Stephen Porges offers a simple explanation. The more we understand our nervous system responses, the more compassionate we can be (with ourselves and others). Get in touch if you would like to explore more about the freeze response, and other responses of your nervous system. You can book online for a free initial telephone call. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist at Explore Transform LLC Counseling & Psychotherapy in Ridgewood, New Jersey  When it comes to toxic shame, Dr Peter Levine has some beautiful suggestions. In this video, Levine explains that old wounds of shame can still hurt, no matter how many years have passed. In your present life, you can experience moments of rejection wounds that might have been created when you were a young child or an adolescent. When you notice the pain from that old wound, say (from the adult part of you) to that child or adolescent part: "Your pain won't go on forever. I will always be here to support you." When you say this, notice in your body how it initially felt to re-experience that wound, and then notice how your body changes after those supportive words. The idea is to notice how your body can go from a state of defeat or collapse to a state of energetic liveliness. Remember: The opposite of shame is authentic pride. Get in touch if you would like to explore more about toxic shame. You can book online for a free initial telephone call. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist at Explore Transform LLC Counseling & Psychotherapy in Ridgewood, New Jersey  A recent survey (the State of the Global Workplace 2024) found that one in five people are lonely in the workplace. In a recent article in the Harvard Business Review, the authors claimed that loneliness is having a "huge impact on healthcare costs, absenteeism, and turnover." But we shouldn't just focus on loneliness in a vacuum. We are feeling lonely in the workplace but we are also feeling powerless. One of the reasons for this might have something to do with global affairs (wars being waged on multiple fronts), worsening climate change, an increased divide between the rich and power, and the increased use of AI. If you combine powerlessness and loneliness, the result is a higher risk of developing a sense of hopelessness, and any mental health practitioner would tell you that hopelessness is a red flag when it comes to our mental health. Hopelessness and depression are close bed fellows, and there is a higher risk of suicide when people have expressed feelings of hopelessness. Remember the saying: If a tree falls in a forest and no one was around to see it, did it really fall? For some of my clients, this is how they describe their average working day. They don't see people during the commute, they don't go in to interact with others in an office, and some don't even turn on their cameras for video meetings. As a result, people miss out on all the opportunities to feel better about themselves because they don't get the eye contact or the facial cues that someone is happy or engaged. You are less likely to feel like you exist in their world. From a polyvagal perspective, our nervous system requires certain cues of safety so we can get back into a ventral vagal state. This is when we feel safe and calm, and studies show that this is when we are better able to focus on our work, strategize, and form important relationships. These cues come from vocal tones, eye contact, and facial expressions, and without this, our nervous system might go into the protective modes of fight-or-flight (the sympathetic state), or even shutdown (the dorsal vagal state). So what can we do? We might not have much influence over global wars and worsening climate change, but we can increase the chance of engaging in face to face interactions. Turn on that camera so your nervous system can benefit from all the cues of safety (vocal tones, eye contact, and other facial expressions). Get moving, so you use your whole body. It can be so easy to get stuck in one place for the entire day, hunched over a computer or a smart phone. And search for ways to mix up your schedule. I know of a couple of people who change their approach to work every week or so. One week they go into the office every other day, the next week they go in two days on and three days off. In the recent article by Harvard Business Review, the authors argues that loneliness needs to be tackled by the organization as a whole, rather than leaving individuals to work it out. For example, put loneliness on the agenda. Measure it, discuss it at meetings, and jointly come up with initiatives to address it. It frustrates me when some organizations use the term "soft skills" as if it is a nice thing to have but they are never going to take it seriously, allocating time or any other resources finding solutions. If it is having an impact on absenteeism or turnover, it is a business problem which needs a solution from the business. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist at Explore Transform LLC Ridgewood, New Jersey  |
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Psychotherapy in Ridgewood, New Jersey. Covering Bergen County, Essex County, Morris County, Hudson County, Middlesex County, Sussex County, Passaic County, Union County, Somerset County, Warren County, Cumberland County, Hunterdon County, Ocean County, Atlantic County, Salem County, Gloucester County, Mercer County, Cape May County, Camden County, Burlington County, and Monmouth County.
Due to the COVID-19 health crisis, we are only offering sessions online.
Our address is 143 E Ridgewood Ave, #1484, Ridgewood, NJ 07450
Telephone: +1-201-779-6917
Lead clinician: Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
EXPLORE TRANSFORM LLC
Due to the COVID-19 health crisis, we are only offering sessions online.
Our address is 143 E Ridgewood Ave, #1484, Ridgewood, NJ 07450
Telephone: +1-201-779-6917
Lead clinician: Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
EXPLORE TRANSFORM LLC
© COPYRIGHT 2025 CHRIS WARREN-DICKINS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. NJ LICENCE # 37PC00618700