It is okay to live under a little bit of pressure, because we all need this to keep going.  But too much pressure can lead to stress, which means to burn out, or to break. 

​Stress can show itself in a number of different ways, but the common symptoms include racing thoughts (or even a blank mind), palpitations, nausea, tightness in the chest, and breathlessness.  We all know that stress is unhealthy, we do not need to go into that.  But if we work, and if we have children to care for, it is not always realistic to expect to have time to put our own needs first.  This is especially so if we are working in a busy city where overcrowding is an issues.  What makes things worse for us city-dwelling working parents, studies have found that people who work or live in cities are at greater risk of developing mental health issues (for example, The current status of urban-rural differences in psychiatric disorders, Peen J, Schoevers RA, Beekman AT, Dekker J).

Sometimes a huge step towards stress reduction is realism.  If we are realistic with what we can achieve, then the weight of expectation is instantly lifted.  We might hope to achieve some sort of ‘downtime’, but if we limp towards the weekend without a moment to stop, then that should not be viewed as another failure.  There may be things we can change, but we have to accept that sometimes we have set things up in a way for a particular reason.

Instead of jumping straight into relaxation exercises or mindfulness, we first need to understand what makes us tick, or to use another phrase, we need to understand our process.  Our ‘process’ includes the following - 

• The assumptions we make about us, our loved ones, and the world around us.  Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy, stated that there are three basic assumptions that cause stress:
  • Assumptions about the world (for example, the world must be a fair place),
  • Assumptions about others (for example, others must be kind and fair to me), and
  • Assumptions about ourselves (for example, I must be hard working and successful)

Once we change these assumptions, or ‘must’ statements into preferences (for example, ‘I would like to be successful’ rather than ‘I must be successful’), then, if things do not work out as planned, this can de-awfulise the situation, and alleviate the stress.
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• Our ‘process’ also includes
  • Our values, which essentially means what we view as important in life,
  • Our triggers (for example, we might tend to get stressed about work more than home life),
  • Our relationships (how we view the quality of our relationships, and how we tend to relate to people), and
  • How we regulate our emotions, and whether we have certain tendencies (for example, we might tend to be more anxious or depressed than others).

Once we understand our process, we have more information to see why we might be how we are.  We can then adopt a kinder voice when things don’t necessarily go to plan.  For example, if you fail to find time for yourself, perhaps this is as a result of choices you have made, and those choices have been informed by your values.  Once you change a perceived failure into a choice, life feels more in control than before.
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Then there are the blind spots.  We may feel like we have no time whatsoever, but perhaps we are not looking hard enough.  Time to unwind, to practice mindfulness or just be in the moment, can be a few minutes each day.  It could be that we use part of the journey into work, or a moment on the toilet, just to stop our minds racing, and check in with what is happening in that moment.  What are we aware of?  Are we short of breath?  Are our minds racing round corners of future uncertainty?  We do not have to achieve anything in that moment other than just to stop.  And sometimes that can be enough.  If not, perhaps it can give us a little more space to realise what we do need.
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There are plenty more ways to combat stress, and perhaps you have encountered some of these.  I have set out below a handful of tips, and I have also included a very simple relaxation exercise.  The key point to take away from this is forgiveness.  If you manage to remember a few of these tips every now and again, brilliant.  The worst thing you can do is use these to beat yourself up, adding further stress with the idea that you are somehow failing –

• Ask for help when you need it.
• Be flexible whenever you can.
• Be clear what being assertive involves, and practice it when you can.  I have set out below a link to my assertiveness article.
• Don’t try to tackle a project but approach each task in turn.
• Make use of your calendar.  You can never get through your ‘to do’ list in one go, so perhaps schedule certain days for certain tasks.
• Try not to blame others.
• Be open to feedback (giving and receiving).

Quick and easy relaxation exercise  –

• Make some space in your day, whether that is a few minutes, five or fifteen.  Just knowing that you have that space can help with the relaxation process, because you can look forward to it when you are busy.
• During that time period –
  • Breathe in gently and hold your breath for a few seconds.
  • Breathe out so that you can hear the exhalation of your breath.  Notice the breath as it goes out. Is it cool or hot, is it strong or weak?  Make no assumptions about it but just notice it.
  • Breathe in again and hold for a few seconds.
  • Again, breathe out and notice the exhalation.
  • Repeat for your allocated time.

Find out more today.

Chris Warren-Dickins, LLB MA LPC
​Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com
References

• The current status of urban-rural differences in psychiatric disorders.  Peen J, Schoevers RA, Beekman AT, Dekker J. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19624573
• The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle

As vaccinations become available, some say that the threat of COVID has reduced.  But for others, life still seems just as hard.  For example, a return to a workplace, or an uptick in social gatherings, can seem just as threatening, keeping you up late at night.

To find peace, I like to offer an exercise called Progressive Relaxation.  In 1908 Edmund Jacobson introduced this, which basically involves clenching and releasing each muscle group as you focus on your breathing.

I have recorded an audio version of the exercise, so see if you find this useful.  If you need more strategies for stress management, get in contact today.

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com 

We have an idea about how life should be; we believe we should think, feel, and behave a certain way, and we expect others to follow suit.  Aspirations and dreams are all very well, but rigid expectations wielded by an unrelenting dictator makes for a very unhappy relationship.

Karen Horney called this a ‘tyranny of the shoulds’, and, left unchecked, it can pose a significant threat to a relationship.  When life does not live up to our expectations, we need to remember that we are in a relationship with someone else, and their perception of how things 'should' be may contradict our own expectations.  

Negotiation is the best way forward.  Once we own up to our own sense of how life 'should' be, and we are willing to hear what the other person wants and needs, we can then open a dialogue to negotiate a way forward.  Which 'shoulds' are essential, and which are you willing to concede?  This can be difficult to attempt on your own, so you may need to explore this with a therapist, either individually, or as a couple.  We can help you with this.

Relationship counseling (also known as couples counseling, couples therapy, or marriage counseling) offers you a neutral setting to work through all of this.  Find out more today.

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com ​

With so much change and uncertainty, it is important to find ways to keep yourself feeling grounded.  You may not have control over everything in your life, but you can focus on your breathing.  The Three Minute Breathing Space is a well-known Mindfulness exercise, and you can find my recording of it here.  

Mindfulness emphasizes the principle of non-judgmental acceptance, and this is a powerful tool to help us manage stress, anxiety, relationship conflict, and even depression.  Find out more here.

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com ​

As restrictions are lifted, I have been hearing about more and more relationship conflict.  Partners have had differing views about what is now 'safe' (a return to school for their children, a return to restaurants, a family holiday, etc), and a mixture of excitement and apprehension has caused a number of schisms.

I have been asked to re-release the '10 tips to make a relationship work', so here it is.  I hope you find it useful.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey

www.exploretransform.com

Relationship conflict often comes down to a lack of assertiveness.  You have needs, and so does your partner, and yet you fear that opening up about them may leave you sounding insensitive, needy, or downright selfish.  Let's be clear:  In order to maintain a deep and meaningful connection to someone else, you need to communicate your feelings and needs.  Without this, you are two disconnected people living in close proximity to each other, and you will end up feeling frustrated and resentful.  It is also a great deal fairer to let your partner know what you need to feel joy, and how to avoid the despair that they might trigger in you.  

So how can you communicate those feelings and needs?  The best way is to use assertive communication.  This is not always possible, and in some situations it is not even appropriate.  But when it is used effectively, it creates a deeper and longer-lasting bond.  Here is another chance to read my article about assertive communication.  

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com 

Something is up but you don’t know what it is.  During COVID there has been so much change that all of life seems in chaos and darkness.  We need to find a new way to live, to search for a guiding light to lead us towards a new sense of certainty.  But we do not know where to begin. 

When I work with clients who don’t know where to begin, who cannot find a way forward through so much chaos and darkness, I like to help them with a brief visualization. 
Here it is - 

1. You know that something is not right with your life, and you have asked yourself ‘What needs to change?’, but still you have no answer.
2. You decide to leave the confines of your home, where the same old information can get stuck, circling round the same four walls.  Imagine opening the door to your home and leaving for a nearby forest.  You may need to imagine driving there if you cannot reach it by foot.
3. Once you have found the forest, take a moment to survey the trees.  Marvel at how tall and strong they appear, and how rooted they remain, even in the strongest storm.  Take a moment to feel your own feet rooted firmly in the ground.  Just notice how it feels to make contact with that ground, knowing that you have the ability to keep yourself grounded at any moment.
4. When you are ready, step into the forest and notice how you feel.  Pay particular attention to any tension you feel if you lose your way, or you find it hard to see in the occasional shift in light (from daylight to shade).
5. Notice what it is like in your body to stop for a moment, at the edge of three different paths.  Notice how you decide which path to choose.  Just notice.
6. Once you have chosen the path, look for the edge of the forest, and see how the light begins to change from shade to light again.
7. As you leave the forest, notice how your body feels with the relief that comes, and then you see a stream.  Floating in the stream is the issue you have been trying to find, and it washes up against the banks right next to you. 
8. What is it like to look down at this issue, resting on the banks?  

A visualization can be useful to identify an issue to focus on, and that clarity can give you a sense of relief from the chaos and darkness.  The next step is to plan how to work on that issue.  This can be difficult alone, so if you need help, get in touch.

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com