Stress, anxiety, anger, depression, hopelessness, despair… These are all emotions that can seem to be out of your control.  When they become intense, you can end up feeling trapped and alone.

Here is one way to take control of your emotions, and it comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), an approach developed by Marsha Linehan.  Quite simply:  If you are feeling stress or anxious or angry or depressed or hopeless or whatever other emotion, Check the Facts.

How to Check the Facts

• Take care to describe the event that is making you so stressed or anxious or depressed or whatever the emotion was.
• Use all your senses to do this
• Avoid making any assumptions
• Try not to polarize and end up making black and white statements or value judgments.
• Resist the urge to catastrophic
• Consider carefully what thoughts and interpretation you are making about the event
• Check whether your emotions (and its intensity) fit the facts.

If your emotions do not fit the facts, or it is not wise to act on your emotions, you need to act opposite to your emotions.  For example, if you feel intensely angry at your boss and you have chosen not to communicate this anger (because there is nothing that can change about your job), you will need to force yourself to do everything that would be the complete opposite to what your emotions are telling you to do.  This could include some or all of the following -

• Force a smile whenever you see or think of your boss  
• Force yourself to think positive thoughts about him
• Engage in subtle muscle relaxation (an exercise called Progressive Relaxation is useful here.  Find out more about this exercise)
• Try and leave the room for small breaks so you can build up tolerance around him (or reduce the pressure when you are around him)
• Distract yourself by redirecting your attention to things that engage your attention in a positive way

Alternatively, when your emotions fit the facts, problem-solve instead of acting opposite.  You can find out more about problem-solving here.

Let me know how you get on with this.  If you still need help, get in contact.

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com

Your brain is a marvelous thing; it has many different layers and functions, and this offers us an opportunity to be flexible and creative when it comes to resolving your problems.  

A useful starting point with all of this is to understand our brain in three different ways - 

• We have a Rational Brain (capable of planning and logic), 
• We have an Emotional Brain (you can probably guess what this is capable of), and
• We have a Survival Brain (enabling us to fight off or flee a perceived threat)

When you work with a therapist to resolve problems, we can help you by using one of two approaches to therapy:

• Top Down Therapy - This means we target our unhelpful thought patterns to make us feel better.  For example, we might use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to identify a tendency to catastrophize (you assume the worst about a situation).  Once you are aware of this tendency, we can help you to assess whether it is really a catastrophe or whether it is a matter of anticipated discomfort.  Finally, we help you to prepare for this anticipated discomfort by identifying your strengths and resources.
• Bottom Up Therapy - This is where we help you to change your bodily sensations and feelings to change your thoughts.  For example, we can use Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR) to help your body to let go of distressing memories that may be held in your body.  In turn, you are able to let go of unhelpful thoughts about yourself (for example, 'I am unsafe' or 'I am out of control'), and you can start to look for more adaptive ways to view yourself and the world around you (for example, 'I have ways of keeping myself safe').  You can find out more about EMDR here.  

Whichever the approach, we are here to help you.  Get in contact today.

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com

When I work with clients in conflict, often we need to clarify what constitutes abusive behavior.  Sometimes there is a reluctance to categorize non-physical abuse as abusive, but it can be no less harmful.

To label behavior ‘abuse’ can help someone make an informed choice about what they need to do next.  Often this decision-making process is informed by someone’s values and the pros and cons involved.  Once someone sees that the other person’s behavior is abusive, this can often tip the balance so that someone takes steps to keep them safe.

Psychologist Beverly Engel offers the following pointers to decide whether the behavior amounts to abuse -

• Domination - A desire and will to control as much as possible; how you think, what you do, how you do it, and how you feel
• Verbal assaults
• Abusive expectations in the form of incessant demands
• Emotional blackmail, usually in the form of silent treatment
• Unpredictable responses, so that you never know what is going to be a good or bad day
• Incessant criticism so that you lose faith in yourself
• Character assassination, so that little mistakes feel like you are endlessly causing catastrophes
• Gaslighting so that you tricked into believing that what is true isn’t really true
• Constant chaos, so that even when it is calm you feel as if you have to walk on eggshells
• Sexual harassment
• Financial abuse

Engel points out that these behaviors constitute abuse if they are

• Intended to devalue the other person, and
• Intended to dominate the other person, and
• Persist for the majority of time, not occasional

If you need help with this, get in contact today.

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com

In a relationship you bring your own baggage.  You may feel more easily triggered, or scared, or angry, in certain situations that are beyond the control of your loved one(s).

When it comes to your emotions, there are no rights or wrongs.  You feel how you feel, but it is how you act on it, and how you communicate those emotions, that counts.  This is where boundary-setting comes in.  Boundaries help you to establish the space within which you can - 

• Feel your emotions
• Communicate those emotions
• Work out how your emotions might be causing conflict within your relationship
  
• Negotiate with your loved one(s) what you are going to do about that

One approach to all of this is to use DEAR skills to set boundaries with love.  DEAR skills were developed by Marsha Linehan, who created Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  Here is a quick three-minute run-down on using DEAR skills to set boundaries with love -

• Describe your perspective fully, without making assumptions about the other person’s perspective.  Simply describe what you see.
  • This is an example of using your Describe skill - You saying to your loved one(s) "I see your shaking fist and I hear your raised voice, and this seems to me an expression of anger"
  • This is not using your 'Describe' skill - Saying to your loved one(s) "You are angry and I know why"
• Express your feelings clearly and in a non-accusatory way
  • This is an example of using your Express skill - Saying to your loved one "Although I still love you, I feel scared when you raise your voice and shake your fist near me.  You can express your anger around me, but I wonder whether there is another way for you to do that and still feel heard"
  • This is not using your Express skill - "You wanted to intimidate me so you are doing everything you can to harass me"
• Assert your boundaries without apology and without dilution.
  • This is an example of using your Assert skill - "I hear that you may not see it my way, but I wanted to share how scared I felt, and this is the way I view it"
  • This is not using your Assert skill - "Perhaps I am wrong, and perhaps it is silly to get scared when you don’t mean to do that"
• Reinforce - Engage with the other person so they see the benefits of the boundaries you are trying to set, and the potential cost of continuing without these boundaries. For example, ‘I love you enough to be willing to share how I feel when you do that, and I am concerned if we continue like this, I might retreat even further from you’.  There are no threats and no value-compromising promises.
  • This is an example of using your Reinforce skill - "When I feel scared, I am unable to show you my full self, and I am unable to show you the full amount of love I have for you"
  • This is not an example of using your Reinforce skill - "If you don’t change, I will leave"

If DEAR skills are new to you, start slowly.  Try one or two parts of it the next time you need to set your boundaries with love.  If you have any questions, get in touch.

Find out more about relationship conflict.

​Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
Ridgewood, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com

Have you ever met someone you like so much that you overlook some of their flaws?  Or you find out, to your disappointment, that they do not share your values or political effect?  If so, you have suffered from the dazzling blindness of the Halo Effect.

This is a concept that can arise in any context, whether it is a personal or work relationship.  You like someone, and your overall view of them leads you to blind spots.  This can even happen in education, where teachers and lecturers assume students they like are more intelligent than they really are.

Once you realize this, the disappointment can cause conflict in that relationship.  After all, you assumed that this person was an angel, and so the fall from grace (to find out they are a mere mortal) can be a painful moment.

Here are a few tips to manage the Halo Effect, and hopefully preserve the relationships you wish to keep - 

1.  Don't assume anything.  Find out more about this person, so you can assess whether they really reflect your values and views.

2.  Go slow.  Take your time to get to know someone.  The quicker you form a relationship, the more likely you are to make misperceptions about who they really are.

3.  Respect the whole.  Even if your views do not align, is this really a deal-breaker? Sometimes you can learn from people who have lived according to different values and views.

4.  Is this forever?  Don't lose hope because, with time and patience, people's views and values can change.

5.  Don't burn your bridges.  There is a chance that this person's values might change, but so might yours.  Often we evolve as our life circumstances change (we start a different career, or we get married, or we become a parent), so don't burn your bridges with this person unless you are really really sure that you will not need them again.

Still struggling with relationship conflict?  Find out more today.

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist

www.exploretransform.com

Our caregivers are supposed to teach us certain things about life.  In a loving and supportive environment we can come to understand that 

• We are safe, 
• We are of value,
• Others are safe, and
• Others are of value

Unfortunately, things don't always work out so well.

There are many reasons why parents do not provide this nurturing environment (financial stress, illness, job insecurity, or mental health issues), and so this is not about blame.  This is about understanding. 

We need to understand - 

• There are long-term physical and emotional issues caused by Adverse Childhood Experiences, and these permeate long into a person's life
  
• There are a wide range of trauma therapies available to help you correct some of the unhelpful lessons you have learned from your Adverse Childhood Experiences.  This includes tools to help you regulate your emotions, and active strategies to challenge your self-defeating thought patterns.
• It is never too late to learn.  I have worked with people in their twenties, thirties, forties, fifties and sixties, and they have eventually found peace.
• If you do not do it for yourself, do it for your children and loves ones around you.  What you can learn now can help others later.

Get in contact today.

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist
www.exploretransform.com

The New Year can be tough, especially hot on the heels of a pandemic.

As a psychotherapist I have noticed a worrying uptick in the number of clients in crisis, and so I want to share some crisis management skills.  These were invented by Marsha Linehan who created a type of therapy called DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy).

If you know of anyone in crisis, and you need to clarify any of these, please reach out and I can send you the DBT Crisis Skills booklet for free.  And if you know of anyone who is in danger, please take them to the Emergency Room of your nearest hospital, or call 911 so the emergency services can help with this.

Chris Warren-Dickins, Psychotherapist

www.exploretransform.com