The traditional view of men is that we can't, or don't need to, talk about our inner experiences. This is not true. 

Men are able to, and need to, talk, but they are expected to 'man up' and remain silent.  We need to stop this.

Men are disproportionately represented in terms of substance abuse, the prison population, homelessness, and completed suicide. 

We need to nurture the idea that seeking help, and talking things over, is a sign of strength, not weakness. It is a smart aspect of masculinity to analyze a situation and say: 'Yes, on this one, I need to chat this over'.

The Men Talk group meets every second Wednesday of the month, and it offers men the opportunity to explore the issues that have been troubling them. We meet at 7.30pm in downtown Ridgewood, Bergen County, New Jersey. Places are by appointment only, so please call, email, or use the online booking system found here to ask for more details.

​Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, and adolescents.  Read more about his work on this page.
His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450

If you are a member or ally of the LGBTQ community, you may be interested in the LGBTQ group.  This is a chance to celebrate diversity, share stories, and share support.

We meet at 7.30pm every third Wednesday of the month in downtown Ridgewood, Bergen County, New Jersey. Places are by appointment only, so please call, email, or use the online booking system found here to ask for more details.
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Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, and adolescents.  Read more about his work on this page.
His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450

​We all get angry.  Anger is an emotion as acceptable as any other, and yet for some their anger has become a problem.  They feel that they tend to react more angrily than the average person, and for some it has even threatened to ruin a career or destroyed a special relationship. So at what point is the expression of an emotion a problem that needs to be managed? 

​To help us understand this, we can look at anger in contrast with other emotions.  Why do some people feel that they react more angrily than others? –

• Anger and anxiety - If someone feels threatened and she tends to perceive herself as unable to cope in a situation, she will tend to feel anxious. However, if someone tends to focus on the violation of her rights when she feels threatened, she will tend to get angry rather than anxious.
• Anger and sadness - If someone is insulted and she tends to accept the insult, devaluing herself as a result, the emotion would tend to be sadness. However, in the same situation, if the person tends to reject the insult as unfounded and unacceptable, the resulting emotion would tend to be anger.  

Feeling an emotion, whether it is anger, anxiety, sadness, or any other emotion, is neither good nor bad.  It is just an emotion.  So at what point can we say that an angry reaction is unacceptable and problematic?  Most would agree that the tipping point is

• When the anger is in response to a distorted version of reality. Is it reasonable to say that one’s rights are really being violated, or is this just an imagined incursion, perhaps an echo from the past? 
• When the anger is a disproportionate reaction, when the situation does not warrant such an extreme reaction. Are we slamming our fist into the wall even when we cannot find our keys?  

If anger has become a problem, how can talking to a trained professional help?

• Twisted thinking?  A cognitive behavioural therapist would focus on a person’s thoughts and assumptions.  It might be that the client is thinking in an unhelpful way (some therapists refer to this as ‘twisted thinking’) and the therapist would offer the client an opportunity to challenge these thoughts.  Examples of twisted thinking include jumping to conclusions, generalising about situations, assuming things about other people (or ‘mind-reading’) and living by the ‘tyranny of the shoulds’ (the client believes that she should live a certain way, and the world should be a certain way). 

By way of illustration, a person might assume that everyone should be polite to each other, and as a result that person might feel angry every time someone is impolite to her.  Once the thoughts and assumptions are identified, the therapist will help the person to change any thoughts and assumptions that are unhelpful.  For example, the therapist might suggest that the person changes the should statement into ‘I would like people to be polite to each other, but I am aware that not everyone will be’.  This change in assumption might lead to less anger, as a result of less perceived violation of that person’s rights.

• Unmet needs and assertiveness. Anger is often a communication of unmet needs.  Talking to a therapist can help someone to identify those needs, and together the therapist and client can work out a more constructive way to ensure that those needs are met.  This can often involve assertiveness training, so that the client is able to communicate those needs without expressing anger in a disproportionate manner.
• Expression of emotion (rather than venting) Talking to a therapist might be an opportunity to express the anger, which might lead to new insights.  Many therapists draw a distinction between venting and expression of emotion.  Venting implies that anger is something to be eradicated, whereas expression of anger implies that this emotion might be a communication of something important about that client.  In their book on expressing emotion, Kennedy-Moore and Watson suggested three conditions for a constructive expression of anger –

‘When it is directed at the appropriate target.  Indirect strategies like punching pillows…do nothing to alter the source of anger…

1. When it does not lead to further retaliation by the target’ (for example, one could write an angry letter which is then torn up)
2. ‘When it results in changes in the perceptions of the expresser or the behaviour of the target.’

​Talking to a trained professional about anger management can be useful, but we cannot do anything until we are fully aware.  Some people deny that they are ever angry, and so it is important to reflect on this as anger can be communicated in a number of ways, passively and actively.  Consider carefully how you feel and how that makes you behave in certain situations.  It is okay to feel angry, but to what degree is that anger a response to a distorted version of reality?  And even if it is not distorted, is the extent of our anger a proportionate reaction to the situation?

What are your thoughts on this?

Chris Warren-Dickins is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood, New Jersey.  He specializes in psychotherapy for couples, adolescents, men, and the LGBTQ+ community. 
Sessions are available in-person at 162 E Ridgewood Ave, Ridgewood NJ 07451, or via the internet or telephone. Book a consultation today www.exploretransform.com

During Thanksgiving we may become crowded into a room full of people we barely wish to see.  Admit it, there are only one or two we really get along with.  You might feel the anger bubbling away beneath the surface, but you try to deny it.  So what to do with this anger?  Overeating and drinking is not a great option.  Try this -

First, target your anger.  Don’t try and pretend you are not angry, don’t try and shake it.  Really focus on it, and admit to yourself that you are angry.  I am not advocating confrontation.  You do not have to speak of the anger, you simply have to be aware of it, inside your own head and heart.  If we try and distort it into something else, hidden anger can lead to unhelpful experiences such as passive-aggression, depression, and procrastination.

Once you are clear that you are angry, and why, identify any accompanying emotions.  Usually you are not just angry, you are hurt or scared, or you feel there has been an injustice.  Why are you hurt?  Why are you scared?  What injustice do you perceive?

To identify the accompany emotions often gets to the heart of the anger, and helps you to see what needs to change.  You may need to do nothing, and simply acknowledging the anger, and the accompanying feeling, may lessen the intensity.  Even if it does not go away entirely, you can at least experience a little relief from it to enjoy the holiday.

Hope this helps.

​Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, and adolescents.  Read more about his work on this page.
His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450.  
Easy online booking is available by clicking here. Or feel free to call or email him 201-779-6917 / chris@exploretransform.com

So you have identified your anger, and you accept that you feel angry now and again.  No shame in that. 

But that is just the beginning. Often we feel a mixture of emotions along with anger.  The trick is to not become distracted by the enormity of the anger.  To do this, we might overlook things like disappointment, hurt, sadness, or even fear. These feelings might be a valuable source of information about what we need to change in our lives.  Don’t squander that information by focusing on just one emotion.

Take your time to allow feelings to drift into awareness.  Just notice them, without judgment.  And then start to identify them.  Feelings are usually identified with one.  If it is more than one word, this is often, instead, a thought.  Thoughts can be twisted all out of shape, and often thoughts are accompanied by a value judgment of right or wrong.  But feelings are never right or wrong, they are just your feelings.  They just exist.

You can use meditation to slowly become aware of your feelings, or you could use soothing music, or even the sound of the crashing sea (if you don't live near the ocean, there are plenty of 'natural soundtracks' available free online).  One further option is to simply focus on your breathing.

​Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, and adolescents.  Read more about his work on this page.
His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450.  
Easy online booking is available by clicking here. Or feel free to call or email him 201-779-6917 / chris@exploretransform.com

As a member of the LGBTQ community, we have experienced anger because we are likely to have experienced discrimination.  It comes with the territory.

Many people fear their anger, and these are four myths why -   

1. We believe that feeling anger is wrong.  This is a myth.  It is actually okay to feel anger, anytime, anywhere.  It doesn’t mean you have to act on it
2. We believe we don't get angry.  I call BS.  We all get angry, we are just aware of it to differing degrees.  It is important to be aware of our anger, and the cause of it. Otherwise it might leak out in passive-aggressive behaviour
3. If we express our anger, we will lose a friend or loved one.  Another myth.  If you have to communicate your anger, and you do so assertively (rather than aggressively or passively), it might be an opportunity for the other person to understand what is going on for you.  It is a fair thing to do.  It is a little unfair if they never know how they are impacting you
4. If we let the anger out, we will be unleashing a danger on the world.  It is not worth the risk.  As you can guess, this is another myth.  Don’t assume there will be disagreement, confrontation, and heartache.  Sometimes, once you have assertively communicated your experiences and needs, this offers an opportunity for connection with the other person. Your relationship might evolve for the better

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, and adolescents.  Read more about his work on this page.
His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450.  
Easy online booking is available by clicking here. Or feel free to call or email him 201-779-6917 / chris@exploretransform.com

I love this image because it shows that there can be a warm inner core, no matter what the exterior looks like.  It makes me think about our tendency to harden our outer self to protect the vulnerability inside. But by doing so, we can end up hiding our unique qualities, the special part that others should really see.

We all have to play a part, and sometimes that means we wear a mask of ice.  The mask carries negative connotations, because it suggests that we are not being authentic. But we cannot function in society without occasionally wearing a mask. Ever see this?:  'Ugh, today I haven't the strength to be an adult!'  We have to play a part in work, and we certainly have to with our kids:  After saying 'No' and 'Because I told you to' a hundred times, how many times have we stopped and realized we are starting to sound exactly like our parents?

But sometimes we forget to take the frozen mask off, and sometimes we are so used to wearing a mask, we forget that we even have those special qualities that glow inside of us.  With our close friends and loved ones, there shouldn't be the need to wear that mask.   

So I invite you to choose a safe place, perhaps when you are with just your loved one, and show them a glimpse of that inner glow.  You might remember sometimes special about yourself, but they might also feel willing to do the same in return.

​Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, and adolescents.  Read more about his work on this page.
His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450.  
Easy online booking is available by clicking here. Or feel free to call or email him 201-779-6917 / chris@exploretransform.com

Anxiety is complex, and the best approach is to talk to a trained professional. But we all need a starting point.  So have a look at these top 10 tips for anxiety to start the process -

1. Anxiety is an umbrella term covering a number of different disorders (including Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, phobic anxiety disorders, panic disorders, social anxiety disorder, etc)
2. Anxiety can sometimes tell you that something in your life needs to change.  Perhaps it is an unhealthy relationship, or it might even be something in your work life
3. Anxiety and depression often arise together, with slightly differing perspectives (anxiety tends to concern the future, and depression tends to focus on the past)
4. Anxiety can often arise when we have the mistaken believe that worrying about something is working on that issue, that worrying is somehow going to achieve change
5. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is often offered to help manage anxiety.  This helps you to challenge unhelpful thinking patterns that might increase anxiety
6. Mindfulness can be useful, not least because it helps you to stop thinking about the future, and instead to just focus on the present.  As a starting point, you can attempt to do this by focusing on your breath
7. Set aside time to relax.  Put away electronic devices such as smart phones, and give yourself the space you need to stop worrying about the future
8. Some say that the more choices we have in life (with developments in technology, etc), the more anxious we get
9. Adopt a kinder voice when things don’t necessarily go to plan.  Sometimes there is an important learning opportunity in what you believe to be a ‘failure’
10. Anxiety can often leave us with the belief that we have no control over anything in our lives.  Remind yourself of all the aspects of your life where you are in control

Chris Warren-Dickins is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood, New Jersey.  He specializes in psychotherapy for couples, adolescents, men, and the LGBTQ+ community. 
Sessions are available in-person at 162 E Ridgewood Ave, Ridgewood NJ 07451, or via the internet or telephone. Book a consultation today www.exploretransform.com
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So the first nor-easter of 2018 approaches. We need to hunker down, we need to protect what and whom we hold dear.  We also need to look after ourselves.

What is the number one method of self-care you practice?  I am a big fan of 'kind self-talk'.  If I catch myself becoming overly critical, I challenge myself, and ask whether I would be so unkind to someone else. I wouldn't, so I need to adopt a kinder self-talk.  

How do you look after yourself?  I would love to hear from you.

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Want to rate your teenager's self-esteem?  Ask them. 

Beyond that, if you need some guidance on how to frame the conversation, ask them how much they agree with the statements set out below.  They can rate, on a scale of 0-10, how much they believe the statement (0 = not at all, 10 = I complete, whole-heartedly agree) –

1. I am happy being me
2. I look at pictures of myself, and I am okay with what I see
3. I am capable of being loved
4. I am not a failure
5. I have stuff to offer the world
6. I don’t need to be anyone except me
7. I am on the right path in terms of learning about life, and emotionally growing
8. I accept compliments when I am given them
9. I accept myself, even if others do not
10. I am worthy of love

Once you assess their self-esteem, and you are concerned about it, you can read my blog with 5 tips to build your teenager’s self-esteem by clicking here

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for adolescents, and the LGBTQ+ community.  Read more about his work on this page.
His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450.  
Easy online booking is available by clicking here. Or feel free to call or email him 201-779-6917 / chris@exploretransform.com
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