Blue is the colour of melancholy and depression, and it is also the name of someone I once knew.  I met him one Christmas when I was working at a homeless shelter, and by the next Christmas he had killed himself.  Blue had lived rough for years, so that alone would have ground him down.  But the other people at the shelter told me that he had been struggling with “other issues”, and I gathered a patchwork of information to form the view that this meant he had been struggling with depression. 

I wish I had known this during our only Christmas together, when we shared jokes, and played catch with the half-stale bread rolls that no one wanted to eat.  But something told me he still would not have opened up.  From our brief time together, I could tell that he liked to keep things light, as if a darker conversation would turn his name into a self-fulfilling prophecy.   

There had been one unguarded moment, though.  I think he had suddenly decided to like me when he found me cleaning the toilets at the shelter.  He made a joke of it, but you could see that a guard had dropped, and his face softened.  He told me about living homeless on the streets of London, and how this had showed him the true nature of mankind:  ‘Selfish, heartless, and short-sighted’, he had said.  He told me that the busy suits would shrink away from him, as if they believed they could catch his misfortune if they lingered too long.  Blue told me that some of the suits sensed the truth that he resembled:  That we are all a missed rent or mortgage payment away from the streets, as much as we are all one life incident away from depression. 

Despite their expensive suits, and despite their warm taxi rides, Blue told me that they never looked happy.  They appeared trapped inside the glass corporate prisons, and trapped in the belief that they were a certain way for life.  As they rushed from one corporate glass cage to the next, none of them lifted a head to exchange a glance at each other, too lost were they in their own frantic phone calls and emails.

In our brief time together, Blue taught me as much about the nature of mankind as the nature of his name.  I learned about some of the traps that can lead us into depression, and I have set out four below -

B stands for Beliefs, about yourself, others, and the world around you.  If you hold onto restrictive, inflexible beliefs about how yourself, others, and the world should be, the easier it is to slip into depression.  Life is complicated and uncertain, and we are learning all the time.  If you accept this as true, you will need balanced and flexible beliefs to respond to such uncertainty.

L stands for Love (and the lack of it).  The less love we experience, whether it is love for ourselves or others, the more vulnerable we are to depression.  Yet these days we devalue love in favour of transactions.  If we have clicked like, or shared a photo, we delude ourselves into believing that this is enough.  And yet true love is a true human connection, an eye-balling moment that involves more than just one of our five senses.  We don’t even have to agree with the person, let alone ‘like’ them, but we should savour the special quality of the moment with that person.  We should live and breathe it.

U stands for Urgency, and the rush of life today.  The more we get caught up in it, and lose a sense of ourselves, the more we are likely to fall into a depression.  We barely have a moment to breathe because of the number of multi-layered interactions we are engaged in.  We are consumed by instant messages, pictures, sharing, liking, and this is not just confined to our social lives.  Our work life is equally multi-layered, so that our every working day becomes threadbare and devoid of substance.

E stands for Escape from the swirl of chaos that is our current state of interaction.  With all this second guessing, and loss of tone of voice with emails and text messages, so much is misunderstood or lost entirely.  Our minds end up shutting down, because we have gone into sensory overload, and there is a danger that we will end up escaping via unhealthy means, such as a blank-eyed state using alcohol, drugs, or food.

I don’t share Blue’s views of humankind.  I don’t think we are basically selfish, heartless, and short-sighted.  If I believed that, I don’t think I could continue to practice as a psychotherapist.  The very foundation of my work is based on the humanistic ideal of Carl Rogers, who basically said that, given the right conditions, we can grow (self-actualize). 

Given the right conditions, we can give ourselves the best chance of avoiding depression.  Some depression is unavoidable, and in those cases we may need medication or other treatment.  But in other cases, where medication or other treatment is not required, these four conditions are at least a starting point to help us to grow –

B stands for Beliefs need to be balanced and flexible.  We should be willing to grow and learn, which means we should be willing to adapt our beliefs if we learn about evidence to the contrary.  The more balanced and flexible we view ourselves and the world, the less prone we are to depression.

L stands for Love, and this means an unashamed expression of full-depth love.  We should be open and available for human connection, and we should express a willingness for this connection.  We are less likely to fall into depression if we can admit to our vulnerabilities, and this includes our inescapably human desire for some sort of connection.

U stands for Unconditional acceptance of humankind is required to avoid depression.  This is stealing a little from Carl Rogers, but it basically means that each and every one of us, whether it is Blue, the suits, you or me, we are all human beings, and so we are all of intrinsic value.  Depression is often fuelled by a lack of self-esteem, or a conditional sense of worth (for example, I can only feel of worth if I earn a certain amount).  Yet we are of intrinsic value regardless of any condition that has to be satisfied.

E stands for Engagement.  Instead of escaping, we are acknowledging and remaining aware of the present moment.  Mindfulness can help with this, where we remain aware of our thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations, but we do not try to push them away or hold onto them, because ultimately they will lose their intensity.
I wish Blue had survived to get help for his depression.  He left a gap in my Christmases, but he also left a wealth of insight into the nature of depression, and the nature of humankind.   

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Pronouns:  (they/them/theirs)
www.exploretransform.com

There is so much violence and chaos in the news that it is easy to see why people may struggle with feelings of anxiety, fear or panic.  I have recorded a short mindfulness exercise to help with those feelings.
 
Mindfulness emphasizes awareness and acceptance of your thoughts and emotions.  You do not need to do anything different about them, just notice them, and accept them.
 
Anxiety, fear and panic are just thoughts and emotions, as temporary as boredom. If you simply notice your thoughts and emotions, without reacting to the content, you regain a little more control of your life.  You do not need to hold onto these thoughts and emotions, any more than you need to push them away.  They just exist, and they are temporary.
 
Have a listen to this quick audio, and perhaps listen to it again each time you notice anxiety, fear or panic. 
 
Chris Warren-Dickins LPC , Licensed Professional Counselor (Psychotherapist)
with an office at 162 E Ridgewood Ave, Ste 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450
 
Email - chris@exploretransform.com
Telephone - (201) 779-6917
https://www.exploretransform.com/
Online booking 
https://square.site/appointments/book/9DTVNB35D9HWM/chris-warren-dickins-llb-ma-lpc-ridgewood-nj

During Thanksgiving we may become crowded into a room full of people we barely wish to see.  Admit it, there are only one or two we really get along with.  You might feel the anger bubbling away beneath the surface, but you try to deny it.  So what to do with this anger?  Overeating and drinking is not a great option.  Try this -

First, target your anger.  Don’t try and pretend you are not angry, don’t try and shake it.  Really focus on it, and admit to yourself that you are angry.  I am not advocating confrontation.  You do not have to speak of the anger, you simply have to be aware of it, inside your own head and heart.  If we try and distort it into something else, hidden anger can lead to unhelpful experiences such as passive-aggression, depression, and procrastination.

Once you are clear that you are angry, and why, identify any accompanying emotions.  Usually you are not just angry, you are hurt or scared, or you feel there has been an injustice.  Why are you hurt?  Why are you scared?  What injustice do you perceive?

To identify the accompany emotions often gets to the heart of the anger, and helps you to see what needs to change.  You may need to do nothing, and simply acknowledging the anger, and the accompanying feeling, may lessen the intensity.  Even if it does not go away entirely, you can at least experience a little relief from it to enjoy the holiday.

Hope this helps.

Get in contact today. You can send an email, telephone, or use the online booking system.
 
Email - chris@exploretransform.com
Telephone - (201) 779-6917
https://www.exploretransform.com/
Online booking https://www.therapyportal.com/p/cwarrendickins/

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC , Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood, New Jersey. Sessions are available in-person, or online
#chriswarrendickins
#ridgewood #depression #anxiety #angermanagement #trauma #relationships #stress #counseling #bergencounty #newjersey #therapy #Support #psychotherapy
#counselor
#mentalhealth

I am delighted to have an article published in 60+ Living (Westwood For All Ages). In 15 years time there will be more people who are over 65 than under 15. On top of increasing health concerns, elders face a significant amount of transitions (for example, bereavement, a change in job status, economic status, or having to move to a different home).

Today, more than ever, we need to prioritise the mental health needs of this part of the population. And we need to recognise that those needs are just as diverse as the rest of the population.

Read more here 

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC 
www.exploretransform.com

What is anxiety?
The most simplified definition of anxiety is a ‘fear of a perceived danger’.  It can become problematic when the fear is out of proportion to the perceived danger, and/or the anxiety interferes with everyday functioning (for example, academic achievement, peer interaction, sporting activities, etc).

How can we detect anxiety in adolescents?  
Each person is different, but here are some common characteristics to look out for –

• Behaviour For example, excessive use of electronic devices such as social media, avoiding school, withdrawal from sporting activities, reduced social interaction, and sleeplessness
• Mind and feelings For example, irritability, expressing negative thoughts, or crying more often
• Body For example, headaches, heart racing, and stomach aches

 
What do you do if you suspect your loved one is struggling with anxiety

• Start with what, not why – When you talk to them, describe what you have noticed in your loved one, rather than trying to rush into an explanation or assumption as to why they might be acting this way
• Show them you are available for them if they feel able to explain what is going on.
• Empathise – Try to understand things from their perspective, and show them you are trying to do this
• Normalise – Explain that anxiety is a normal reaction to perceived danger, but it can sometimes get out of hand if you don’t get a little help
• Structure some sort of stability – Because for anxious people change or uncertainty is difficult.  For example, try and incorporate a regular routine such as the same time for bed each night, or the same place to visit each week (such as a relaxing outdoors walk, or a trip to the cinema)
• Look for any root causes – For example, bullying via social media, academic struggles, or a recent transition (such as moving house, or starting a new sporting activity)
• Develop their resourcefulness and resilience – Demonstrate where they have used their resources before, and build on that.  Give them opportunities to practice, for example, letting them request things, rather than speaking or doing things for them.  Sometimes a behavioural diary can help, to keep a track of their increasing resourcefulness and resilience

Get in contact today.  You can telephone or use the online booking system.
Telephone - (201) 779-6917
Online booking
https://www.therapyportal.com/p/cwarrendickins/

It takes a great deal of effort to admit that something is wrong in a relationship.  And it takes even more effort to do something about it.  Life gets in the way:  After your children, career, parents and friends, it is hard to give your relationship any sort of attention.  But an unhappy relationship can end up impacting on those other parts of your life, including your children, your career, and your personal wellbeing.

Couples therapy offers you a neutral setting to work through your difficulties.  Often it is hard for the people in a relationship to notice patterns of behaviour, so a professional can offer that insight.  I will work hard to ensure that all perspectives are heard and understood.  

The solution can sometimes be as simple as fine-tuning communication patterns within your relationship. 
Or perhaps there are unresolved issues from your past. Couples therapy is a confidential space to explore those issues, somewhere you can be heard and understood.  

Sometimes a relationship is dominated by the ‘tyranny of the shoulds’. This phrase was coined by Karen Horney, and it basically suggests that we have an idea of how we should live, how others should treat us, and how society as a whole should be.  When our expectations do not match reality, we can end up experiencing distress.  In a relationship, there are multiple sets of ‘shoulds’, thereby increasing the risk of distress. 

To help with this, we need to identify our ‘shoulds’.  And we need to identify the 'shoulds' of our loved ones.  Then we can negotiate and decide which 'shoulds' are mandatory for the relationship, and which we are willing to concede.  I can help you with this.

I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and I offer counseling and psychotherapy to individuals and couples  
​My office is in downtown Ridgewood: 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, Bergen County, New Jersey 07450  ​
Sessions can take place in-person or online
​
Get in contact today.  You can telephone or use the online booking system.

Telephone - (201) 779-6917
Online booking
https://www.therapyportal.com/p/cwarrendickins/
​

We can get stuck in a pattern, rehearsing the same old behaviour even when we wish we would change. Sometimes it can help to go back to basics, to look again at our 'ABCs' -

• A is for an Activating Event – For example, an argument with a loved one
• B is for Belief – For example, ‘To have a healthy relationship, I should never have arguments with my loved ones’
• C is for Consequences – For example, I feel upset and stressed out, and I feel like a failure for having failed to live up to my Belief

If a Belief causes us distress, perhaps we need to challenge it and decide whether we want to change it in some way. We could choose a different Belief that causes us less distress.  Here is what I mean –

• A is for an Activating Event – Using the same example as above, we have an argument with a loved one.
• B is for Belief – We change our Belief to ‘To have a healthy relationship, I would like to avoid arguments, but I know that sometimes they are inevitable’
• C is for Consequences – As a result, you might end up feeling a little less stressed, and you might not feel like a failure because you have not failed to live up to the Belief 

​By changing to a less absolute Belief, you allow yourself more flexibility.  This is a more forgiving approach, and arguably a more realistic viewpoint.

Get in contact today. You can send an email, telephone, or use the online booking system.
 
Email - chris@exploretransform.com
Telephone - (201) 779-6917
https://www.exploretransform.com/
Online booking https://www.therapyportal.com/p/cwarrendickins/

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC , Licensed Professional Counselor with an office at 162 E Ridgewood Ave, Ste 4B, Ridgewood, New Jersey. Sessions are also available online
#chriswarrendickins
#ridgewood #depression #anxiety #angermanagement #trauma #relationships #stress #counseling #bergencounty #newjersey #therapy #Support #psychotherapy
#counselor
#mentalhealth

When something goes wrong, we try to fix it.  Whether it is a relationship or work issue, we try our hardest to make it right. 

When something cannot be fixed, after trying over and over again, the easiest thing to do is blame yourself.  But sometimes things are just not meant continue, and we need to learn how to let go.  This is hard to do, and we can work out how to do it respectfully, but you wouldn’t hold onto a broken picture frame when the shards of glass kept hurting you.  So why do this to yourself with a relationship or work issue?
​
If you need help with this, or anything else that is troubling you, give me a call to arrange a consultation. (201) 779-6917

Don’t you hate it when you feel like you should be happy, and you are not? 
Sometimes the answer is what we are focusing on –

• If we focus on the past, we have no way of changing that, so this can sometimes lead to regret.  Depression is often linked to a disproportionate focusing on the past
• If we focus on the future, we don’t yet know what will come, so this could make us fearful.  This is often the problem when we are anxious
• Instead, the only way we can change things is by focusing on the present.  What can we do now, what can we change? 

It is hard, though.  We often get dragged into the past or future.  That is why therapy can help.  With a trained professional, you can try and focus on what is in the present, what is coming up for you right now.

As you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, you can explore these with your therapists.  They might hold the key to a great number of locked doors.  A therapist can support you as you unlock and walk through those doors, and discover aspects of yourself that can transform your life.

It can be hard to book that first consultation.  So here is a video showing you what might happen in a therapy session.  ​The therapist in this video is Carl Rogers, the Founder of Person-Centered therapy.
​
​This approach respects your viewpoint, and it does not try to push you into some pre-conceived idea about what is right or wrong for you

I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and I offer counseling and psychotherapy to individuals and couples  
​My office is in downtown Ridgewood: 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, Bergen County, New Jersey 07450  ​
Sessions can take place in-person or online
Get in contact today.  You can telephone or use the online booking system.

Telephone - (201) 779-6917

Online booking
https://www.therapyportal.com/p/cwarrendickins/