Thinking of all the parents who are helping their children to start the new school year. I hope you take care of yourself as much as you take care of your kids. Parental burnout is real, and it can cause lasting damage to your mental and physical health.
In this article, I explain more about the dangers of burnout. As a parent, it’s hard to prioritize our mental and physical health. However, if we don’t, we are likely to experience burnout at least once during our parenting years. If you need to give yourself permission to assess yourself for signs of burnout, think of yourself as a healthy role model for your children: You want them to avoid burnout, so if you are vigilant for the signs, they will be too. In another article, I mentioned the signs to look out for. Very briefly, these can include irritation, exhaustion, a lack of motivation, and a loss of interest in things in the things you once enjoyed. If you do suspect burnout, it is of no surprise. You have likely parented through a pandemic, and technology poses its own challenges. For example, our parents never had to endure the constant social media updates, where different approaches to parenting are compared and contrasted at the speed of light. Give yourself permission to focus on your own values, as those will guide your own unique approach to parenting. Also give yourself a chance to enjoy the quality of parenting rather than the quantity. And finally, it is important that your children feel the edge of your boundaries. That way, they will learn how to skillfully manage situations where they have to say “no,” “not right now,” or even “I can’t do that, but I can offer this.” When it comes to mental health, I’m sure your kids will be fine. After all, they are benefiting from a wealth of research from neuroscientists, psychologists, and psychiatrists. But what about you? Now is the time to reverse the learning process and look our for ways that you can look after your mental health, as, I am sure, they are already about learning about at school. If you need to talk to a professional about burnout, you can book a free initial telephone call via this link. Alternatively, you can reach out via the following details: Telephone: (201) 779-6917 Email: [email protected] Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist at Explore Transform Ridgewood, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com As a society, we reward excessive obligations (at work and at home) but are we honest about how often this leads to burnout, and the dangers it presents?
Burnout isn't pretty. It thins the gray matter of your prefrontax cortex (which sucks because you need that for reasoning and decision-making), and it enlarges the amygdala, which also sucks because that means your brain's alarm system goes into over-activation. Everything feels like a threat. And if we are constantly feeling this, an excessive amount of unhealthy stress hormones are produced (cortisol and epinephrine, for example), and this can lead to high blood pressure, more fat tissue, and damage to your arteries. So, using the same tune as the nursery rhyme "Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?" , if we were to ask "Who's Afraid of Big Bad Burnout?", everyone should be. What is burnout? When I talk to my clients, they describe it as "Getting to the point of not caring about anything," or "Feeling spent, flattened, like I just can't do anything any more," and "Frazzled, stressed, racing thoughts, and no ability to concentrate." Burnout is the result of being exposed to prolonged stress, and you become physically and emotionally exhausted. You can experience burnout at work or in personal situations such as friendships, family systems, and parenting. Burnout and the social rewards We aren’t encouraged to rest and digest. Even though this is a biological necessity, society would far prefer we remained in the sympathetic state of fight-or-flight, so we can produce more, and more efficiently. The trouble is, this is not sustainable and, if you adopt a purely economic perspective, we are going to end up producing less and less until we collapse. Take this moment to give yourself permission to pause, take those breaths, and plan how you are going to carve out, on a daily basis, time to prevent burnout. Sometimes you need someone else to give you permission to do this, and until you have adopted the voice of the ‘inner therapist,’ that permission might be given in your weekly sessions at Explore Transform. Burnout and the old habits from age-old messages To keep burnout at bay, you might need to dig into your past a little, so you can see if there are some unhelpful messages that have been given to you that perpetuate equally unhelpful habits. For example, you might have been led to believe that your self-worth depends on your productivity, or you might have been led to believe that you are not safe unless you are constantly vigilant and working hard (in your work life as much as your personal life). It might take time to identify and reality-test these messages but eventually you will be able to gain some perspective on what is right for you, not just what you have been conditioned to believe. Burnout and technology We never escape from our cell phones, and so this increases the likelihood of burnout in our work or home life. Bosses, colleagues, friends, and family members expect our constant vigilance and immediate reply, an expectation that is unhelpful to everyone. It also cheapens the value of the connection we enjoy with each other, reducing interactions to a handful of words or emojis instead of benefiting from eye contact, encouraging vocal tones, and other such calming body language. As we work using Polyvagal theory, we can help you to understand the value of these important aspects of communication, helping our nervous system to feel safe and calm before our developed brain has realized this. In turn, our interactions can feel more nourishing and fulfilling. Burnout, stress, and anxiety Burnout rarely occurs as a result of one thing. Usually it is an accumulation of stressful circumstances, and this can lead to anxiety as much as depression. Adopting a Polyvagal perspective, when someone experiences stress and anxiety, they are often in the sympathetic state of fight-or-flight, where you experience racing thoughts, breathlessness, a rapid heartrate, and many more symptoms that relate to your nervous system’s attempt to flee or fight the dangers you sense. Burnout and trauma For survivors of trauma, burnout can occur when we overly focus on something to distract ourselves from our trauma. This excessive focus can also give us a sense of power and control to counterbalance the feelings of powerlessness or helplessness that we might still experience since the trauma. This excessive focus could be on work issues, personal relationships, or even hobbies that have become more of an obsession than an enjoyable pastime. For years, we have been working with survivors of trauma using EMDR and Polyvagal theory. On this page, you will find a great deal of information about Polyvagal theory and EMDR. If you like, you can book a free ten-minute telephone consultation. You can book this online here. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist at Explore Transform We love to share good news, and it really lifts us to receive such glowing endorsements of our work. We really appreciate working with all these wonderful people (and many more):
“Chris Warren-Dickins is an accomplished therapist with extensive experience. I am grateful to have Chris in my network of mental health professionals.” Dr. Shavar Chase, Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner, DNP, PMHNP-, BC "Chris Warren-Dickins is discerning, wise, and warm. Important combination not always found in one therapist!" Leigh Polin, Clinical Social Work/Therapist, MSW, LCSW "Chris Warren-Dickins is extremely dedicated to helping others, and his caring is matched by his skill." Jill Fellner, Clinical Social Work/Therapist, LCSW "Chris Warren-Dickins is a stellar therapist! His compassion and clinical expertise provide the best environment to support client growth and healing." Pamela Brodie, Psychologist, PhD, LPC "Chris Warren-Dickins is especially well-prepared to deal with patients who have experienced trauma. Contact him directly for more information about this challenging area." Suzanne Saldarini, Licensed Professional Counselor, MA, LPC, NCPsyA To learn more, book a free telephone call with psychotherapist Chris Warren-Dickins. Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 These days, powerlessness seems to be everywhere. Technology threatens to take away our livelihood or leave us unskilled, and a worsening environmental crisis can leave us feeling powerless as heatwaves become the norm, sea levels rise, and air quality deteriorates. When we feel powerless, there is a danger that we will feel helpless and hopeless, and any mental health practitioner knows that hopelessness is a red flag for a person’s mental health.
But we shouldn’t slip into a cognitive distortion about this; there is no black-and-white about life. We are not completely powerless in every aspect of our lives, just as we are not completely powerful. We have varying degrees of autonomy over varying aspects of our lives, and it changes with time and knowledge. I often think of it like the ebb and flow of the sea, where we drown if we go too rigid and try to fight it. Instead, we must stay calm and loosen up a little, so we can move with the ebb and flow of it all. One day we may experience a great deal of power and control, and the next day we have less of it. Flexibility is helpful in response to powerlessness, but it can also help with many other challenges to our mental health. The trouble is that our brains are hard-wired to seek out certainty. We look for patterns, and that can end up limiting us. So you grew up believing the world was less uncertain, so you believed that if you worked hard and kept your head down, everything would be okay. Letting go of that assumption can be liberating, loosening you up to the times when you slip into moments of limited power and control. Trying new ways to live and challenging assumptions can be hard to do on your own, so that’s when a therapist might help you. After all, sometimes you don’t know what you don’t know. You need an experienced, trustworthy professional to point out the unseen parts of your story, so you can weigh that up with the rest of what you have known about the situation. Take, for example, someone I worked with recently, who had spent years with their head down in a career they loved but could not progress in. They tried everything to make it work, but something was missing. No matter how they tried to win over the executive team, nothing seemed to work. They believed they were powerless to make a change and they were close to quitting, even when they had no other job to go to. As they explored this in therapy, they realized that their assumption that they had about power and control over everything, that if they worked hard then everything would go their way, applied to their own life but also their expectations of others. In short, this makes them seem like an insufferable perfectionist who is unwilling to embrace aspects of powerlessness and learn from those moments. It took a little time to accept this, with a lot of mindful breathing exercises to manage the nervousness, but slowly they were less hard on themselves but also less hard on others. In the end, they got the promotion they had been waiting for, because the executive team finally saw how they might be able to manage a team. I am not sure whether any of this is resonating with you but, if it is, I would love to explore this more with you. You can make contact using this link, so we can set up a time and day to explore this in more detail. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist & Author Burnout comes in many different shapes and sizes, but some of the common symptoms include apathy, exhaustion, cynicism, a reduced interest in things you usually enjoy, irritability, an inability to think clearly, dizziness, and insomnia.
Once you recognize the signs of burnout, you need to value yourself enough to do something about it. Often, we hear all the messages that encourage us to work harder with our kids, and for longer hours, but we don’t hear the counter-balance to that: We also need rest. Try to value yourself as you might value your child, or a best friend or loved one. You have intrinsic value regardless of how much you have or what you do. Basic skills of assertiveness are essential if you are to avoid burnout. When you don’t communicate your feelings or needs, you end up resentful, frustrated, and sometimes at risk of mental or physical damage. (As I mention in other articles, burnout can have a detrimental impact on the functioning of your brain.) Assertiveness is not aggression and assertiveness is not passivity. It is a calm, measured way of communicating your feelings and needs effectively. When you use skills of assertiveness, you are better able to maintain boundaries. These need to be continuously communicated in all parts of your life (at home and work, with an intimate partner and with friends and family). Some people also like to ensure there are healthy boundaries when it comes to technology. Many people I work with have “no-technology zones.” Finally, continuously review the different parts of your life for any signs of burnout. Sometimes when we feel like a healthy balance has been struck in our home life, things are out of balance at work. If you need to talk to a professional about burnout, you can reach out via the following details: Explore Transform psychotherapy. Ridgewood, New Jersey. www.exploretransform.com (201) 779-6917 [email protected] Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist & Author As a parent, it’s hard to prioritize our mental and physical health. However, if we don’t, we are likely to experience burnout at least once during our parenting years.
If you need to give yourself permission to assess yourself for signs of burnout, think of yourself as a healthy role model for your children: You want them to avoid burnout, so if you are vigilant for the signs, they will be too. In another article, I mentioned the signs to look out for. Very briefly, these can include irritation, exhaustion, a lack of motivation, and a loss of interest in things in the things you once enjoyed. If you do suspect burnout, it is of no surprise. You have likely parented through a pandemic, and technology poses its own challenges. For example, our parents never had to endure the constant social media updates, where different approaches to parenting are compared and contrasted at the speed of light. Give yourself permission to focus on your own values, as those will guide your own unique approach to parenting. Also give yourself a chance to enjoy the quality of parenting rather than the quantity. And finally, it is important that your children feel the edge of your boundaries. That way, they will learn how to skillfully manage situations where they have to say “no,” “not right now,” or even “I can’t do that, but I can offer this.” When it comes to mental health, I’m sure your kids will be fine. After all, they are benefiting from a wealth of research from neuroscientists, psychologists, and psychiatrists. But what about you? Now is the time to reverse the learning process and look our for ways that you can look after your mental health, as, I am sure, they are already about learning about at school. If you need to talk to a professional about burnout, you make contact via this page. Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist & Author in Ridgewood, New Jersey Studies show that burnout can thin the gray matter of your prefrontal cortex (you need this part of your brain to reason and make decisions), and it can enlarge the amygdala (the brain’s alarm system). As a result, you can end up producing more stress hormones which can damage blood vessels and arteries and raise your blood pressure.
Burnout has a significant impact on your concentration, which can threaten your work and home life. There is a vicious cycle produced by this because you can end up spending longer on tasks, which can intensify the symptoms of burnout, because you have less time for rest and relaxation. With low self-esteem, you are less likely to enforce boundaries that might prevent burnout. For example, you end up doing more for someone because you believe your value is conditional on pleasing them. Studies show that low self-esteem can lead to higher rates of depression and anxiety. Burnout has a negative impact on motivation, which in turn can increase the likelihood of depression, leading to a negative impact on personal relationships. If you need to talk to a professional about burnout, you can reach out via this contact page. I recorded this video a couple of years ago, when I explored TikTok a little. I'm still not sure what to make of that, and social media as a whole, but... Many people have told me that this particular video was useful to help them understand what psychotherapy is all about. So I wanted you to see it too. Let me know what you think! Chris Warren-Dickins Psychotherapist & Author in Ridgewood, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com Fall into loving kindness...? The jokes might get old but mindfulness never will. Mindfulness is a useful tool to combat anxiety, stress, and depression. One example of a mindfulness exercise is the Loving Kindness Meditation. This can help to cultivate kindness to yourself, and to others. From the perspective of polyvagal theory, mindfulness exercises are just one way to activate the vagal 'brake'. Your vagus nerve slows your heart rate down when your body and mind might otherwise get stuck in the "fight or flight" response of the sympathetic nervous system. To stay too much in the sympathetic state can contribute to anxiety and panic attacks, and it can lead to higher levels of stress hormones, including cortisol and epinephrine. Increased levels of epinephrine damage blood vessels and arteries and raise blood pressure, and excessive cortisol levels result in an increased fat tissue. I hope you find this useful. If you have any questions about this, please get in touch. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 Epictetus once advised that you shouldn’t moor a ship with just one anchor. The same can be said about the ways you keep yourself feeling safe, calm, and regulated. If you rely on just one or two methods, these can lose their effectiveness. Or we might develop an aversion to them because of overuse, or because of the development of a negative association.
According to Polyvagal Theory, when we talk about feeling safe, calm, and regulated, we are referring to the ventral vagal state. This is just one of three different states that the nervous system can be in, the other two being sympathetic (fight/flight) state or a dorsal vagal (shut down) state. Once you recognize when you feel safe and calm, you can use memories of these times to keep your nervous system regulated. Under times of stress, it can be hard to remember that there are times when we have felt open-hearted, curious, joyful, or energized, so your therapist can help you to anchor these, so they are easier to refer to. Think about when you have felt safe and calm, and make a note of who was involved, what you were doing, where you were, and when this occurred. So we don’t rely on just one anchor, think of at least two examples for each of the following categories: Who: Example: When I am around my closest friends (the “aunties” to my children), I feel safe and calm. (1)Who makes you feel safe and calm: _________________________________ (2)Who makes you feel safe and calm: _________________________________ What: Example: When my kids are cuddling into me, or when I feel the purr of my cats. (1)What makes you feel safe and calm: _________________________________ (2)What makes you feel safe and calm: _________________________________ Where: Example: When I am in my garden and I watch the birds flying around me. (1)Where do you feel safe and calm: ___________________________________ (2)Where do you feel safe and calm: ___________________________________ When: Example: First thing in the morning, when the house is still before anyone wakes up. (1)When you feel safe and calm: ______________________________________ (2)Who you feel safe and calm: _______________________________________ These categories were suggested by Deb Dana in her book Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection, and she encourages you to note these examples of being in your ventral vagal state, making a note on post-it notes that you can stick up around your home. Once you identify these resource memories, you can “tap” these in at least once a day. In other articles I have explained the concept of “butterfly taps” but, by way of a brief recap, this involves gently and slowly tapping your chest with your hands. When you tap your chest back and forth you activate the vagus nerve, which acts as a “brake” on your sympathetic nervous system, slowing and calming your body and mind down. I hope you find this useful. There are plenty more resources on my website, so have a look around. And if anything is unclear, please contact me. Chris Warren-Dickins Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 Blog roundup from Explore Transform counseling and psychotherapy. Specializing in trauma and EMDR. Book a free callback today. Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 Depression is greatly associated with stress and trauma. When our nervous system is overwhelmed, so there is not even the hope of fighting or fleeing, we collapse. According to the latest research, 14.8 million U.S. adults had at least one major depressive episode with severe impairment in the past year (Anxiety and Depression Association of America).
I am a firm believer in empowering people with knowledge, so I want to share with you a particular type of EMDR that works particularly well with depression, and that is called DeprEnd EMDR. When we first talk to you, we will create an event map of all your depressive episodes, and we will cover your whole life, not just the current or most recent episode. We are looking for triggers for the depression but this can be hard as depression often lingers in the background, like an impending storm. We then need to see how you deal with everyday stressors. If you are having a particularly hard time, we might spend a little longer in the initial phase of this protocol, helping you to develop and use resources to better able these stressors. We also need to assess whether you can establish and use a safe place. This is a place or a memory that you can use to make you feel safe and calm, and it can be as simple as the image of a waterfall, lake, or beach. As we work within this phase, we will use slow eye movements to help reinforce the positive associations with these resources. We then move into the main part of DeprEnd EMDR, which is to choose episode triggers to reprocess. Reprocess means using rapid eye movements, pulsers, or toners, to desensitize these episodes and install more positive beliefs and associations. So we could reprocess stressful life events that took place one or two months before the depressive episodes. Some therapists use the Beck Depression Inventory (BDI) to measure improvement but other therapists find these measures to be restrictive, and they prefer to work collaboratively with the client to agree on an assessment of how the client is doing in response to the work. A focus of EMDR includes an identification of the negative belief/cognition related to that distressing memory. With DeprEnd EMDR, we also seek to identify a negative belief/cognition about the depressive episodes. For example, a prevailing belief might be “I am worthless”. In this case, we would ask you what in your life proves you are worthless, find a present trigger for that belief, identify the body affect, and float back on that body affect to find an earlier memory that represents this belief. However, EMDR does not just focus on the beliefs associated with depression. We are aware that the body holds onto a great deal of stress and trauma, and so we will work with you to identify (and reprocess, using rapid eye movements) depressive body states. The final part of the DeprEnd EMDR protocol is to rehearse future triggers for depressive episodes. We will ask you to identify the worst part of the anticipated future trigger (for example, seeing the sadness in your partner’s eyes), and we will help you to identify the quality you need to anticipate that (for example, courage or compassion). We will identify an image that represents that quality (for example, the image of you hugging yourself), we will get you to identify where you feel that in your body, and add rapid eye movements to that. Even though depression might be an inevitable part of our everyday life, the suffering can be reduced with a little bit of support and professional guidance. Take care of yourself. ~~~ I wonder if you have read anything that creates more questions in you. If you would like to explore these questions, I am here. You can reach out by calling, texting, or emailing me. Or you can use the contact form on the About page of this website. ~~~ Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 #trauma #depression #anxiety #emdr #therapist #psychotherapy #counseling #BergenCounty #NewJersey Here is a summer collection of our recent blog posts.
We hope you find these useful. Book online today for a free callback. Alternatively, you can email us at [email protected] or call us on +1 (201) 779-6917. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 This is a fast-paced world that feels like it is spinning faster by the day: You jump each time there is a notification on your phone, your head spins from the incessant interruptions from your kids, you are constantly asked to work harder and quicker, and there are constantly new challenges from the wider environment (deteriorating air quality, intensifying storms, and increasing food prices, just to name a few). Now more than ever, there is a need to carve out space for a slower existence. Therapy can offer you that space, and it can take many different forms: Your therapist might invite you to slow down so you notice your breath, they might encourage you to slow down and scan your body, they might help you to slowly learn how to mindfully notice your emotions without having to respond to them, and they can help you to slow down your thought process so you can identify any short-circuited thought patterns. Years ago, when I trained as a psychotherapist I was also working as an attorney in London (UK). So, I know something about a frantic pace. But I also know how much of a toll it took on my physical and emotional well-being. That was when some observant person gave me the book In Praise of Slow, by Carl Honore. You’ll like this bit: “Our impatience is so implacable that, as actress-author Carrie Fisher quipped, even “instant gratification takes too long.” True, right? We are impatient, yes, but I think it is understandable when it comes to therapy. After all, we seek out therapy when we are troubled, in distress, in despair even, so why should we slow down and prolong that misery? The truth is, quick-fix solutions rarely, if ever, work. That is true of most things, whether it is a broken leg, mind, or spirit. Forming a relationship with your therapist takes time, and so it should do. Trust is not a given, and it needs to develop slowly. As a clinician, I need to take a bit of time to assess how easily you can pendulate between the past (for example, the story of your trauma) and the present. If I rush this process, I run the risk of overwhelming your nervous system and leaving you stuck in a trauma response. Important work that sometimes feels like slow work. Telling yourself that you are safe is insufficient. Instead, your body needs to feel safe and calm, and as Bessel van der Kolk pointed out by naming his book this way, The Body Keeps the Score. Often we can only heal when we slowly start to feel this in our body, when our nervous system comes out of shut-down, freeze, fight, or flight, and feels safe and calm and connected to yourself and the world around you. When I use EMDR with my clients, one of the final stages of the EMDR protocol is to do a body scan, where we check to see how the body feels when we bring up the distressing memory. Directionless rushing How can we rush the healing process when we don’t know where we are going? We need to feel better, but that is hard to identify, especially if we have grown up experiencing trauma. We can assume that our trauma responses are our natural state, and it can come as quite a surprise when we realize that we are not restless people, blank-minded, or emotionless, but we have been stuck in these trauma responses for so long. So we need to go slowly to reacquaint ourselves with who we are. Sort of like putting together the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle when we haven’t a clear picture of the end result. Again, this might take some time. In this fast-paced world, a world with so much trauma, what better way to heal, to show yourself that you are safe and of value, than to try a bit of slow healing. Take care of yourself. ~~~ I wonder if you have read anything that creates more questions in you. If you would like to explore these questions, I am here. You can reach out by calling, texting, or emailing me. Or you can use the contact form on the About page of this website. ~~~ Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 #trauma #psychotherapy #NewJersey Many EMDR therapists use polyvagal theory to help someone understand that their body and mind are responding in a certain way because it is biologically built to do this. Your nervous system is responding to cues of danger or safety, and so symptoms of anxiety, depression, and trauma responses, are easier to understand when we view our nervous system as a ladder (as shown in the diagram below).
At the bottom of the nervous system ladder, in response to cues of danger, our nervous system can shut down. Here we can feel numb, blank-minded, even depressed. Think of how we might be caught by the saber-tooth tiger; our nervous system cleverly shuts us down so we do not feel the pain of the bite of the tiger. This is the work of the part of the parasympathetic nervous system that is known as the dorsal vagal response. In the middle of the nervous system ladder, in response to cues of danger that we have a hope of escaping, our nervous system will respond by increasing our heart rate so we can fight or flee the danger. Here we can find outbursts of anger and anxiety, and this is the work of the sympathetic nervous system. Finally, at the top of the nervous system ladder, we find the most evolved response, in response to cues of safety, when we can connect with ourselves and others. Thanks to our parasympathetic nervous system, this is the ventral vagal response. Together, we will help you to notice and name the different states, and you can use this awareness to flex in and out of the various states as appropriate. I hope you found this useful. Please get in contact if you need to discuss any of this. Book online today for a free callback. Alternatively, you can email us at [email protected] or call us on +1 (201) 779-6917. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 |