Epictetus once advised that you shouldn’t moor a ship with just one anchor. The same can be said about the ways you keep yourself feeling safe, calm, and regulated. If you rely on just one or two methods, these can lose their effectiveness. Or we might develop an aversion to them because of overuse, or because of the development of a negative association.
According to Polyvagal Theory, when we talk about feeling safe, calm, and regulated, we are referring to the ventral vagal state. This is just one of three different states that the nervous system can be in, the other two being sympathetic (fight/flight) state or a dorsal vagal (shut down) state. Once you recognize when you feel safe and calm, you can use memories of these times to keep your nervous system regulated. Under times of stress, it can be hard to remember that there are times when we have felt open-hearted, curious, joyful, or energized, so your therapist can help you to anchor these, so they are easier to refer to. Think about when you have felt safe and calm, and make a note of who was involved, what you were doing, where you were, and when this occurred. So we don’t rely on just one anchor, think of at least two examples for each of the following categories: Who: Example: When I am around my closest friends (the “aunties” to my children), I feel safe and calm. (1)Who makes you feel safe and calm: _________________________________ (2)Who makes you feel safe and calm: _________________________________ What: Example: When my kids are cuddling into me, or when I feel the purr of my cats. (1)What makes you feel safe and calm: _________________________________ (2)What makes you feel safe and calm: _________________________________ Where: Example: When I am in my garden and I watch the birds flying around me. (1)Where do you feel safe and calm: ___________________________________ (2)Where do you feel safe and calm: ___________________________________ When: Example: First thing in the morning, when the house is still before anyone wakes up. (1)When you feel safe and calm: ______________________________________ (2)Who you feel safe and calm: _______________________________________ These categories were suggested by Deb Dana in her book Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection, and she encourages you to note these examples of being in your ventral vagal state, making a note on post-it notes that you can stick up around your home. Once you identify these resource memories, you can “tap” these in at least once a day. In other articles I have explained the concept of “butterfly taps” but, by way of a brief recap, this involves gently and slowly tapping your chest with your hands. When you tap your chest back and forth you activate the vagus nerve, which acts as a “brake” on your sympathetic nervous system, slowing and calming your body and mind down. I hope you find this useful. There are plenty more resources on my website, so have a look around. And if anything is unclear, please contact me. Chris Warren-Dickins Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 Blog roundup from Explore Transform counseling and psychotherapy. Specializing in trauma and EMDR. Book a free callback today. Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 Depression is greatly associated with stress and trauma. When our nervous system is overwhelmed, so there is not even the hope of fighting or fleeing, we collapse. According to the latest research, 14.8 million U.S. adults had at least one major depressive episode with severe impairment in the past year (Anxiety and Depression Association of America).
I am a firm believer in empowering people with knowledge, so I want to share with you a particular type of EMDR that works particularly well with depression, and that is called DeprEnd EMDR. When we first talk to you, we will create an event map of all your depressive episodes, and we will cover your whole life, not just the current or most recent episode. We are looking for triggers for the depression but this can be hard as depression often lingers in the background, like an impending storm. We then need to see how you deal with everyday stressors. If you are having a particularly hard time, we might spend a little longer in the initial phase of this protocol, helping you to develop and use resources to better able these stressors. We also need to assess whether you can establish and use a safe place. This is a place or a memory that you can use to make you feel safe and calm, and it can be as simple as the image of a waterfall, lake, or beach. As we work within this phase, we will use slow eye movements to help reinforce the positive associations with these resources. We then move into the main part of DeprEnd EMDR, which is to choose episode triggers to reprocess. Reprocess means using rapid eye movements, pulsers, or toners, to desensitize these episodes and install more positive beliefs and associations. So we could reprocess stressful life events that took place one or two months before the depressive episodes. Some therapists use the Beck Depression Inventory (BDI) to measure improvement but other therapists find these measures to be restrictive, and they prefer to work collaboratively with the client to agree on an assessment of how the client is doing in response to the work. A focus of EMDR includes an identification of the negative belief/cognition related to that distressing memory. With DeprEnd EMDR, we also seek to identify a negative belief/cognition about the depressive episodes. For example, a prevailing belief might be “I am worthless”. In this case, we would ask you what in your life proves you are worthless, find a present trigger for that belief, identify the body affect, and float back on that body affect to find an earlier memory that represents this belief. However, EMDR does not just focus on the beliefs associated with depression. We are aware that the body holds onto a great deal of stress and trauma, and so we will work with you to identify (and reprocess, using rapid eye movements) depressive body states. The final part of the DeprEnd EMDR protocol is to rehearse future triggers for depressive episodes. We will ask you to identify the worst part of the anticipated future trigger (for example, seeing the sadness in your partner’s eyes), and we will help you to identify the quality you need to anticipate that (for example, courage or compassion). We will identify an image that represents that quality (for example, the image of you hugging yourself), we will get you to identify where you feel that in your body, and add rapid eye movements to that. Even though depression might be an inevitable part of our everyday life, the suffering can be reduced with a little bit of support and professional guidance. Take care of yourself. ~~~ I wonder if you have read anything that creates more questions in you. If you would like to explore these questions, I am here. You can reach out by calling, texting, or emailing me. Or you can use the contact form on the About page of this website. ~~~ Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 #trauma #depression #anxiety #emdr #therapist #psychotherapy #counseling #BergenCounty #NewJersey Here is a summer collection of our recent blog posts.
We hope you find these useful. Book online today for a free callback. Alternatively, you can email us at chris@exploretransform.com or call us on +1 (201) 779-6917. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 ![]() This is a fast-paced world that feels like it is spinning faster by the day: You jump each time there is a notification on your phone, your head spins from the incessant interruptions from your kids, you are constantly asked to work harder and quicker, and there are constantly new challenges from the wider environment (deteriorating air quality, intensifying storms, and increasing food prices, just to name a few). Now more than ever, there is a need to carve out space for a slower existence. Therapy can offer you that space, and it can take many different forms: Your therapist might invite you to slow down so you notice your breath, they might encourage you to slow down and scan your body, they might help you to slowly learn how to mindfully notice your emotions without having to respond to them, and they can help you to slow down your thought process so you can identify any short-circuited thought patterns. Years ago, when I trained as a psychotherapist I was also working as an attorney in London (UK). So, I know something about a frantic pace. But I also know how much of a toll it took on my physical and emotional well-being. That was when some observant person gave me the book In Praise of Slow, by Carl Honore. You’ll like this bit: “Our impatience is so implacable that, as actress-author Carrie Fisher quipped, even “instant gratification takes too long.” True, right? We are impatient, yes, but I think it is understandable when it comes to therapy. After all, we seek out therapy when we are troubled, in distress, in despair even, so why should we slow down and prolong that misery? The truth is, quick-fix solutions rarely, if ever, work. That is true of most things, whether it is a broken leg, mind, or spirit. Forming a relationship with your therapist takes time, and so it should do. Trust is not a given, and it needs to develop slowly. As a clinician, I need to take a bit of time to assess how easily you can pendulate between the past (for example, the story of your trauma) and the present. If I rush this process, I run the risk of overwhelming your nervous system and leaving you stuck in a trauma response. Important work that sometimes feels like slow work. Telling yourself that you are safe is insufficient. Instead, your body needs to feel safe and calm, and as Bessel van der Kolk pointed out by naming his book this way, The Body Keeps the Score. Often we can only heal when we slowly start to feel this in our body, when our nervous system comes out of shut-down, freeze, fight, or flight, and feels safe and calm and connected to yourself and the world around you. When I use EMDR with my clients, one of the final stages of the EMDR protocol is to do a body scan, where we check to see how the body feels when we bring up the distressing memory. Directionless rushing How can we rush the healing process when we don’t know where we are going? We need to feel better, but that is hard to identify, especially if we have grown up experiencing trauma. We can assume that our trauma responses are our natural state, and it can come as quite a surprise when we realize that we are not restless people, blank-minded, or emotionless, but we have been stuck in these trauma responses for so long. So we need to go slowly to reacquaint ourselves with who we are. Sort of like putting together the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle when we haven’t a clear picture of the end result. Again, this might take some time. In this fast-paced world, a world with so much trauma, what better way to heal, to show yourself that you are safe and of value, than to try a bit of slow healing. Take care of yourself. ~~~ I wonder if you have read anything that creates more questions in you. If you would like to explore these questions, I am here. You can reach out by calling, texting, or emailing me. Or you can use the contact form on the About page of this website. ~~~ Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 #trauma #psychotherapy #NewJersey Psychotherapist Chris Warren-Dickins welcomes you to Explore Transform counseling and psychotherapy, based in Ridgewood, New Jersey.
Book online today for a free callback. Alternatively, you can email us at chris@exploretransform.com or call us on +1 (201) 779-6917. Many EMDR therapists use polyvagal theory to help someone understand that their body and mind are responding in a certain way because it is biologically built to do this. Your nervous system is responding to cues of danger or safety, and so symptoms of anxiety, depression, and trauma responses, are easier to understand when we view our nervous system as a ladder (as shown in the diagram below).
At the bottom of the nervous system ladder, in response to cues of danger, our nervous system can shut down. Here we can feel numb, blank-minded, even depressed. Think of how we might be caught by the saber-tooth tiger; our nervous system cleverly shuts us down so we do not feel the pain of the bite of the tiger. This is the work of the part of the parasympathetic nervous system that is known as the dorsal vagal response. In the middle of the nervous system ladder, in response to cues of danger that we have a hope of escaping, our nervous system will respond by increasing our heart rate so we can fight or flee the danger. Here we can find outbursts of anger and anxiety, and this is the work of the sympathetic nervous system. Finally, at the top of the nervous system ladder, we find the most evolved response, in response to cues of safety, when we can connect with ourselves and others. Thanks to our parasympathetic nervous system, this is the ventral vagal response. Together, we will help you to notice and name the different states, and you can use this awareness to flex in and out of the various states as appropriate. I hope you found this useful. Please get in contact if you need to discuss any of this. Book online today for a free callback. Alternatively, you can email us at chris@exploretransform.com or call us on +1 (201) 779-6917. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 Last month there was an initiative to raise more awareness about sexual assault. At least one in six men have been sexually violated (1in6.org), and experts say that the number is probably even higher because men are less likely to report when they have been sexually assaulted or raped.
According to 1in6.org, it takes a man an average of 22 years to speak about his experiences as a survivor of sexual violation. Society conditions men to remain silent, and to hide their vulnerability. If a man were to report his own sexual violation, this might be viewed (by some) as a direct contradiction to this conditioning. This might mean a man might not recognize himself as a survivor of sexual violation, or he is too ashamed to report it, or other people might not believe him. Another issue is that society often interprets men’s behavior through the lens of aggression or anger, rather than an expression of distress, including a sign that they have experienced trauma. This is further complicated when people confuse sexuality and sexual violence, assuming sexual violence is sexual act rather than an act of violence. As a result, many people fail to appreciate the number of straight men who are a survivor of sexual violence. If you have experienced sexual violation, or you know someone who has, you might feel emotionally numb, or you might be stuck in hypervigilance, which means you are easily startled or quick to get angry or upset. Here is a little more on each of these concepts – Emotionally numb – Another term for this is dissociation. To survive the experience of sexual violation, your brain might have shut down for a moment. It did what it needed to, otherwise the experience might have been overwhelming. The trouble is, the danger has now passed, so you need to reconnect with your emotions, your thoughts, and your body. With the help of a trained professional, such as a psychotherapist, you can learn some grounding exercises, to become aware of your whole self. It is important to know that you have not necessarily become emotionally numb forever. It was a survival mode that should, with the right help, become a temporary state. Hypervigilance, easy to become startled or get angered or upset – If you were sexually violated, your body probably went into fight or flight mode. Your sympathetic nervous system kicked in, sending the blood pumping around your body, and readying your body to fight or flee. The trouble is, you were not able to get away, and so your brain and body are still stuck in that fight or flight mode, stuck in hypervigilance. It is as if your brain and body have unfinished business, leaving your brain on edge, and causing you to jump at even the slightest sudden noise, smell, touch or thought. You are still ready for attack, long after the danger has gone. All of this can have an impact on your intimate relationships, your sense of trust of other people, the way you work, your concentration levels, your sleep, and your appetite. It is also a constant drain on your body. You may deal with it by isolating yourself or trying to keep things under excessive control (which, in turn, leads others to tire of you, dismissing you unkindly as a ‘control freak’). You may even engage in substance abuse, as a way of escaping this constant sense of panic. What can help Talking to a trained professional, such as a psychotherapist, is an important step to take. With the help of a psychotherapist, you will do three things –
There are different types of psychotherapy available, and one particularly effective approach for trauma is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR). EMDR is recognized as an “A” level of treatment for trauma, recommended by the World Health Organization and the National Institute for Clinical Excellence. There are other types of therapy, and most will focus on your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations. It is important to include work on the body, as that acts as a bridge between your thoughts and emotions. You hold a great deal of your trauma in your body, causing all sorts of physical symptoms including stomach cramps, constipation, migraines, and nausea. No matter what approach your therapist takes, it is essential that you look out for your negative, self-critical voice. If you are the survivor of sexual violation, and you are carrying shame, this critical voice will be turned up to full volume. Work with your therapist to turn down the volume on this critical voice, replacing judgement with understanding. Understand that your thoughts, emotions and body may have done all sorts of things to survive the sexual violation. For example, you might have engaged in escapist behavior, such as denial or substance abuse, or you may have lashed out (at others or yourself) with the rage that you were feeling. Understand that this was what you had to do to survive. These might not have been constructive coping mechanisms, but they were all you had to survive, and now is the time to replace these with more helpful coping mechanisms. I hope you found this useful. Please get in contact if you need to discuss any of this. Book online today for a free callback. Alternatively, you can email us at chris@exploretransform.com or call us on +1 (201) 779-6917. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 What do COVID vaccinations, the assassination of JFK, and the moon landing all have in common? They have all been the subject of conspiracy theories. And there are plenty more. According to research carried out by Pew Research Center, more than half of Americans have heard of QAnon, one of the better-known conspiracy groups of recent times. For as many blog posts, updates on Instagram, and TikToks, there are as many variations in the perception of reality. This is a good and bad thing. On the one hand, it is healthy to think critically about the information we are given. On the other, we can end up straying too far from common sense, putting us and others in danger
A sense of belonging and identity Conspiracy theories, extremism, even intolerance, can all give someone a sense of belonging and identity. This is especially so if someone accepts those conspiracy theories, extreme views or intolerance from friends or family members. Our emotions serve as a significant motivator for our behavior, and if the choice is between rejection of those views or a sense of belonging, often we will choose a sense of belonging. As psychology professor Arie W. Kruglanski points out, one of the appealing factors of extremism is the “ideological narrative—the story a terrorist group tells to justify its actions,” justifying the actions according to “group values.” Group values can give someone a sense of belonging or identity, and that can be quite attractive when someone has low self-esteem, or they feel isolated. Our fear of uncertainty When we create conspiracy theories or we hold extreme views, we claim to know "the truth", whether or not we have the evidence to back it up. We prefer this false sense of certainty because our brains are hardwired to fear uncertainty. For our predecessors, uncertainty posed a significant threat: It meant that we might not survive the night, we might not know where we would find food or shelter, and we might not know whether that beast was going to devour us. In the twenty-first century, we still fear uncertainty with the same sense of mortal dread, and so some of us would prefer to cling to the certainty of conspiracy theories or extreme views, rather than embrace that uncertainty. This is especially true if we have survived trauma. Research shows that we are more likely to adopt black-and-white thinking to avoid the uncertainty we fear. A growth in technology Before the cell phone and social media, conspiracy theories might have been a problem confined to small ripples in social circles. But every post, like and retweet transforms these half-baked ideas into verified authority. We haven’t got the time to verify every last piece of information, so we rely on information from others, and, as a result, we can quickly drift from any semblance of reality. And if we were just talking about us adults, that’s one thing, but as Helen Lovejoy said in the Simpsons, “Won’t someone please think of the children!”. According to the United Nations, the internet is one of the main strategies used to recruit children to extremism, and the same can be said for conspiracy theories. Pandemics = Conspiracy theories, extremism, and intolerance It is no coincidence that we are examining conspiracy theories as we emerge from a pandemic. History shows us that conspiracy theories, extremism, and intolerance thrive during times of crisis and upheaval. Most pandemics followed this pattern, whether it was the cholera epidemics between the 1830s and 1860s or the 1918 influenza pandemic which killed fifty million worldwide. As Ervin Staub points out in The Roots of Evil: The Psychological and Cultural Origins of Genocide and Other Forms of Group Violence, acts of extremism such as genocides “often arise under conditions of acute societal uncertainty.” Distress tolerance, and rebuilding a sense of belonging and identity So what to do about all of this? If our fear of uncertainty is keeping us reaching for conspiracy theories, extremism and intolerance as much as our quick fix of social media, we need to learn how to reduce the distress associated with uncertainty. Your brain is an amazing flexible tool, so it can relearn as much of what it has learned already. This includes learning to tolerate uncertainty. Sometimes this can follow a basic exposure approach, where we identify uncertainty in our daily life, and then adopt a mindful approach as we breathe through the discomfort of it. That way, our brain can learn that this is survivable. You can also identify where you might have made assumptions to fill the gap of uncertainty, checking the facts and challenging some of those black-and-white thought patterns. In addition, you can identify other ways to develop a sense of belonging and identity, ways that are more constructive than conspiracy theories, extremism, and intolerance. I hope you find all of this helpful. If you have any questions, get in touch. Book online today for a free callback. Alternatively, you can email us at chris@exploretransform.com or call us on +1 (201) 779-6917. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 #ConspiracyTheories, #Extremism, #Intolerance, #Polarization, #MentalHealth, #Depression, #Anxiety, #Stress, #Self-Esteem, #Counseling, #Psychotherapy, #FindATherapist, #Ridgewood, #BergenCounty, #NewJersey, #teletherapy, #FindACounselor At Explore Transform LLC, we focus on anxiety, depression and trauma. These can have a significant impact on our relationships, so it is important to set aside time to continually monitor the health of our relationships, and the skills we apply to them. One such skill is boundary-setting.
In a relationship you bring your own baggage. You may feel more easily triggered, or scared, or angry, in certain situations that are beyond the control of your loved one(s). When it comes to your emotions, there are no rights or wrongs. You feel how you feel, but it is how you act on it, and how you communicate those emotions, that counts. This is where boundary-setting comes in. Boundaries help you to establish the space within which you can -
One approach to all of this is to use DEAR skills to set boundaries with love. DEAR skills were developed by Marsha Linehan, who created Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Here is a quick three-minute run-down on using DEAR skills to set boundaries with love -
If DEAR skills are new to you, start slowly. Try one or two parts of it the next time you need to set your boundaries with love. But that's not all... When you try to set boundaries, the relationship can be strained for a while. If this is the case, consider the following ten tips to nourish your relationship -
I hope you find all of this helpful. If you have any questions, get in touch. Book online today for a free callback. Alternatively, you can email us at chris@exploretransform.com or call us on +1 (201) 779-6917. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 “I was walking around with it, and I didn’t even realize it was trauma. I always assumed trauma was something a war veteran experienced or the survivor of a plane crash. I didn’t realize that my sh*tty childhood amounted to trauma, this thing that stuck to every part of my life and muddied everything I touched. I thought it was me; I thought I was fundamentally flawed, miswired even, and there were times when I felt hopeless. This made it so hard to reach out for help, and to truly believe that I deserved help, let alone that anything could help me.”
As a psychotherapist working with trauma, I hear this a lot. Although it is getting better, we have spent too many years underestimating the prevalence of trauma. If you think that it can arise as a result of adverse childhood experiences or other chronic situations where we are constantly denigrated, such as racism, homophobia, transphobia, or discrimination due to our socio-economic status or immigration status, you can see how prevalent trauma might be. When we have experienced trauma, when our coping skills have been overwhelmed, this can lead to changes in the functioning of our brain. Trauma changes us in terms of our hopefulness for the future, but also how we interpret the past, something I refer to as the bi-dimensionality of trauma. According to some neuroscientists, we attach meaning to memories, and that meaning is colored by our emotions. At the time of the trauma, we might not believe that we are at fault or powerless, and if we are a small child, we might not even have the ability to hold such beliefs. But over time, as we look back, we can start to interpret the trauma that way. As a result, we anticipate the future with a sense of futility or powerlessness. We can see the effects of trauma in how we behave, in our mood, in our sleep patterns, and physical health but getting help can be difficult when guilt and shame are such an integral part of trauma. From an evolutionary perspective, if a bad thing happens to us, it helps to remember that bad thing, so we avoid it in the future. If a saber tooth tiger attacks you, it serves you well to remember to avoid saber tooth tigers. The limbic system in our brain has various functions including affect, and affect helps to initiate behavior to help with survival. Shame is an aroused affect and so it is a strong deterrent, so it can keep us vigilant and act more defensively. This all makes sense when we were fleeing saber tooth tigers, and when our lifespan was much shorter. But in this modern world, we are living much longer, and witnessing so much more, so this constant influx of trauma has a negative impact on the brain over a longer lifespan. That the trauma inside us that leads to guilt and shame is reinforced by three processes - 1. It serves as a punishment because we believe we deserved it; this is a negative way that the brain makes us try to do better. 2. It serves as a distraction from deeper or more painful emotions. 3. If we think of something awful that might happen, that tricks us into believing that we can somehow control the future. For example, I know I will fail. To heal from trauma and break from this shame and guilt, we need to find ways to think of ourselves differently, and this could be something as simple as journaling. I love writing, whether it is fiction or non-fiction, it really helps me to interpret and re-interpret things I have experienced. In the same way, this is why talking to other people, including a therapist, can help. This process helps with trying to gain distance, developing compassion, but also understanding why certain things are a certain way. However… It can be hard to give up that punishment, distraction and control when it creates arousal that we can apply for gain. But we mustn’t take a limited view of gain; for example, we might end up working hard and reaping financial gain, but we might lose a great deal in our personal relationships. Trauma, and the associated shame and guilt, can be hard to manage without professional help, although this is not impossible. If you feel that you do need professional help with this, please reach out so you can have a free, confidential telephone conversation with me. Book online today for a free callback. Alternatively, you can email us at chris@exploretransform.com or call us on +1 (201) 779-6917. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 #Trauma, #Depression, #Self-Esteem, #Counseling, #Psychotherapy, #FindATherapist, #Ridgewood, #BergenCounty, #NewJersey, #teletherapy, #FindACounselor, #MentalHealth, #Anxiety, #Stress Negative thoughts, persistent flattened feelings, explosive anger, irritation, withdrawal, over-eating, tears, under-eating, over-working, disconnection from your loved ones, excessive use of social media, an inability to enjoy the things that usually give you enjoyment…
The list could go on. But what is this list? These could be signs of depression, and as you can see from this list, depression comes in many different forms. For some, there is a withdrawal from the world, and yet others might push themselves harder, engaging more with the world, even though they feel flattened and hopeless inside. Ever heard “You can stand in a room full of people and still feel alone?”. Well, depression is as tricky as that; it is hard to spot if you only look for the stereotypical signs of sadness or withdrawal. One thing that does help to identify depression is knowing the person involved. As a psychotherapist, I get to know my clients and learn what their usual patterns are, whether that is introverted or extroverted, whether they tend to feel nourished spending more time with their family or engaged in their work, and then I can see if depression has taken hold because usually these patterns will change. I also want to know whether this is a significant issue, usually of at least two weeks, or whether it is just a temporary dip. Depression can be particularly difficult because you can get trapped in a depression cycle. When you feel low, you assume there will be a negative outcome with the things that usually make you feel better, so you don’t engage in those activities, and this makes you feel worse about yourself. Your self-talk can become more negative, referring to yourself as a ‘failure’ and ‘worthless’, and it is particularly concerning if hopelessness becomes pervasive. If we look at other challenges to mental health, for example Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), there is, at least, an escape clause: For example, if we touch the door frame four times then our obsessive thoughts dissipate. With depression, however, there is no such escape clause because we are stuck in a double-bind where we assume there will be a negative outcome, and we assume we are inadequate in most situations. Given the links between self-harm, suicide, and depression, we must prioritize care for depression. However, depression is sometimes viewed in a negative light, and some have even referred to it as a weakness. The opposite is true. Recognizing depression and seeking help for it is a sign of strength. It is also important to understand that your body and mind often respond for a reason. In my psychotherapy practice, I use Polyvagal Theory to help people visualize depression as the dorsal vagal response, or rather the shutdown, at the bottom of the nervous system ‘ladder’. When we learn this, we can also understand that there are other parts of the nervous system, further up the ‘ladder’, and so we can use breathing exercises and tapping to move out of the dorsal vagal state, into a more connected ventral vagal state. This can only occur when our nervous system sense cues of safety, so it might take some time for you to learn to trust the therapeutic relationship and feel safe enough to flex in and out of these various states. All of this might seem a little unclear, but when we put this into action, you might notice some wonderful changes in your body and mind. If you have any questions about this or depression generally, get in touch today. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 #Depression, #Self-Esteem, #Counseling, #Psychotherapy, #FindATherapist, #Ridgewood, #BergenCounty, #NewJersey, #teletherapy, #FindACounselor, #MentalHealth, #Anxiety, #Trauma, #Stress I love being a psychotherapist and parent because of the overlap: As I help clients to navigate life’s challenges, I grow and learn as a parent, and vice versa. One of the growth areas that offers a continuing opportunity for reflection is assertiveness.
We live in a world with other people, so we are continuously trying to strike a balance between the needs, emotions and experiences of others, and how that impacts our own needs, emotions, and experiences. To lean too much one way, and we become passive, acquiescing to every other person’s needs rather than respecting any of our own. If we have leaned too far this way, we might have been called “a people-pleaser” or “an appeaser.” If we had the misfortune of falling under the spell of someone abusive, they might praise us for our passivity, saying that we are “easy to get along with” or “no drama.” The trouble is, to live a life of pure passivity is not sustainable. If we go too far the other way, we might risk becoming aggressive. This is where we can only see our own needs, emotions, and experiences, without any care for others. So how do we strike a balance? Assertiveness is the sweet spot between passivity and aggression. Sometimes it is useful to visualize it holding two hands out: You can hold your own needs, emotions, and experiences as valid, whilst also holding the other person’s. Both are valid, and the real work is trying to negotiate a middle ground or overlap. Sometimes you will not find that area of compromise, and you have to decide which way to lean and weigh up the consequences of that choice. And sometimes you do not have the choice or freedom to exercise assertiveness (for example, if you are in a work environment where you need to keep your job to pay the bills). It is widely recognized that certain skills are useful to keep a balanced, assertive approach. For example, becoming comfortable with saying no, using short sentences without a need to overly explain your reasoning, and calmy repeating your point in the face of resistance. I always like to use the imagery of a tree swaying gently in the wind of resistance; you are flexible, hearing what they have to say, but remaining firmly rooted in the moment. So, we know that assertiveness falls in the middle of two extremes, but what does that look like in reality? - Assertiveness is not aggression – Aggression is an attempt to dominate others without respecting their rights or boundaries. Example: “I will leave you if you work late tonight.” Assertiveness is not passivity – Passivity is a failure to communicate one’s needs or to allow others to encroach on your boundaries. This could be the result of fear, or an inability to assert one’s rights, but it could also be an attempt to manipulate someone. Example: “Fine, work late, see if I care” (when they really do care). Assertiveness is an ability to hold your own needs, emotions, and experiences as valid, whilst also holding the other person’s – Example: “I feel lonely when you come home late from work.” I use Polyvagal Theory to help my clients understand their behavior, emotions, and bodily sensations. I have spoken about this theory in other articles, so here is a link to a quick recap. From a Polyvagal perspective, if we are not assertive then it might be because our nervous system is picking up cues of danger. In response, we might fight, flee or freeze, or we might shut down. In other words, we might use the sympathetic nervous system (if our nervous system senses that we can overcome or escape the danger), or we might switch to a dorsal vagal response, which means to go numb or blank-minded if there is no escape. There is also the fawn response, in other words, we hope to appease (or submit to) the aggressor to escape the danger. None of this is assertive. To become assertive, we need to feel safe to do this, or, in other words, we need to be in a ventral vagal state. There might be many reasons why we do not feel safe, and some of those reasons might not reflect present-day reality. For example, if a work colleague, or teacher or friend reminds us of an overbearing caregiver from our childhood, we might become ‘triggered’ by this association and lose the ability to exercise our skills of assertiveness. We can learn how to put ourselves in the best position to use skills of assertiveness by doing two things –
Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 #Assertiveness, #Relationships, #Counseling, #Psychotherapy, #FindATherapist, #ridgewood, #BergenCounty, #NewJersey, #teletherapy, #FindACounselor, #MentalHealth, #Depression, #Anxiety, #Trauma, #Stress As a psychotherapist I regularly help people when they are struggling with anxiety, depression, and trauma. It is important to look at why we might be suffering in this way, but it is also important to get help with the practical things. When we get anxious or depressed, and when we are experiencing the fallout from trauma (whether you are in the shutdown response, free, fight, flight or fawn), it can be hard to think straight, and so a psychotherapist can help you to problem-solve until you are able to do it one your own again. One example of this problem-solving can be finding the right professionals to help you and your family. In this video I talk to Laura Grube about when you might need the help of a speech therapist, how trauma impacts speech development, and what you can expect out of speech therapy. If you have any questions about this, please do reach out to us. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 #Counseling, #Psychotherapy, #SpeechTherapy, #EMDR, #FindanEMDRtherapist, #EMDRTherapy, #EMDRTherapist, #TraumaTherapy, #FindATraumaTherapist, #HealingFromTrauma, #FindATherapist, #ridgewood, #BergenCounty, #NewJersey, #teletherapy, #FindACounselor, #MentalHealth, #Depression, #Anxiety, #Trauma, #Stress When do you see a psychotherapist, a licensed professional counselor, or a neurologist? In this video I talk to Dr Olga Noskin, neurologist at Neurology Group of Bergen County, and Dr Noskin specializes in vascular neurology. In this video you will learn that there is a great deal of overlap between our differing professions, particularly because we both deal with the brain and how it impacts how we function in the world. We need both professions to work together to help someone manage the physiological and psychological impact of their neurological complaints. Have a look at the video and let us know if you have any questions. Dr Noskin and I would be happy to answer them. Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC Explore Transform LLC Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey www.exploretransform.com +1 (201) 779-6917 #Neurology, #EMDR, #FindanEMDRtherapist, #EMDRTherapy, #EMDRTherapist, #TraumaTherapy, #FindATraumaTherapist, #HealingFromTrauma, #FindATherapist, #ridgewood, #BergenCounty, #NewJersey, #teletherapy, #FindACounselor, #Counseling, #Psychotherapy, #psychology, #MentalHealth, #Depression, #Anxiety, #Trauma, #Stress |