Epictetus once advised that you shouldn’t moor a ship with just one anchor. The same can be said about the ways you keep yourself feeling safe, calm, and regulated. If you rely on just one or two methods, these can lose their effectiveness. Or we might develop an aversion to them because of overuse, or because of the development of a negative association.
 
According to Polyvagal Theory, when we talk about feeling safe, calm, and regulated, we are referring to the ventral vagal state. This is just one of three different states that the nervous system can be in, the other two being sympathetic (fight/flight) state or a dorsal vagal (shut down) state.
 
Once you recognize when you feel safe and calm, you can use memories of these times to keep your nervous system regulated. Under times of stress, it can be hard to remember that there are times when we have felt open-hearted, curious, joyful, or energized, so your therapist can help you to anchor these, so they are easier to refer to.
 
Think about when you have felt safe and calm, and make a note of who was involved, what you were doing, where you were, and when this occurred. So we don’t rely on just one anchor, think of at least two examples for each of the following categories:
 
Who:               Example: When I am around my closest friends (the “aunties” to my children), I feel safe and calm.
(1)Who makes you feel safe and calm: _________________________________
(2)Who makes you feel safe and calm: _________________________________
 
What:              Example: When my kids are cuddling into me, or when I feel the purr of my cats.
(1)What makes you feel safe and calm: _________________________________
(2)What makes you feel safe and calm: _________________________________
 
 
Where:            Example: When I am in my garden and I watch the birds flying around me.
(1)Where do you feel safe and calm: ___________________________________
(2)Where do you feel safe and calm: ___________________________________
 
 
When:             Example: First thing in the morning, when the house is still before anyone wakes up.
(1)When you feel safe and calm: ______________________________________
(2)Who you feel safe and calm: _______________________________________
 
These categories were suggested by Deb Dana in her book Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection, and she encourages you to note these examples of being in your ventral vagal state, making a note on post-it notes that you can stick up around your home.
 
Once you identify these resource memories, you can “tap” these in at least once a day. In other articles I have explained the concept of “butterfly taps” but, by way of a brief recap, this involves gently and slowly tapping your chest with your hands. When you tap your chest back and forth you activate the vagus nerve, which acts as a “brake” on your sympathetic nervous system, slowing and calming your body and mind down.
 
I hope you find this useful. There are plenty more resources on my website, so have a look around. And if anything is unclear, please contact me.
 
Chris Warren-Dickins
Explore Transform LLC
 Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey
 www.exploretransform.com
 +1 (201) 779-6917

This is a fast-paced world that feels like it is spinning faster by the day:
 
You jump each time there is a notification on your phone, your head spins from the incessant interruptions from your kids, you are constantly asked to work harder and quicker, and there are constantly new challenges from the wider environment (deteriorating air quality, intensifying storms, and increasing food prices, just to name a few).
 
Now more than ever, there is a need to carve out space for a slower existence. Therapy can offer you that space, and it can take many different forms:
 
Your therapist might invite you to slow down so you notice your breath, they might encourage you to slow down and scan your body, they might help you to slowly learn how to mindfully notice your emotions without having to respond to them, and they can help you to slow down your thought process so you can identify any short-circuited thought patterns.
 
Years ago, when I trained as a psychotherapist I was also working as an attorney in London (UK). So, I know something about a frantic pace. But I also know how much of a toll it took on my physical and emotional well-being. That was when some observant person gave me the book In Praise of Slow, by Carl Honore. You’ll like this bit:
 
“Our impatience is so implacable that, as actress-author Carrie Fisher quipped, even “instant gratification takes too long.”
 
True, right? We are impatient, yes, but I think it is understandable when it comes to therapy. After all, we seek out therapy when we are troubled, in distress, in despair even, so why should we slow down and prolong that misery?
 
The truth is, quick-fix solutions rarely, if ever, work. That is true of most things, whether it is a broken leg, mind, or spirit. Forming a relationship with your therapist takes time, and so it should do. Trust is not a given, and it needs to develop slowly.
 
As a clinician, I need to take a bit of time to assess how easily you can pendulate between the past (for example, the story of your trauma) and the present. If I rush this process, I run the risk of overwhelming your nervous system and leaving you stuck in a trauma response. Important work that sometimes feels like slow work.
 
Telling yourself that you are safe is insufficient. Instead, your body needs to feel safe and calm, and as Bessel van der Kolk pointed out by naming his book this way, The Body Keeps the Score. Often we can only heal when we slowly start to feel this in our body, when our nervous system comes out of shut-down, freeze, fight, or flight, and feels safe and calm and connected to yourself and the world around you. When I use EMDR with my clients, one of the final stages of the EMDR protocol is to do a body scan, where we check to see how the body feels when we bring up the distressing memory.
 
Directionless rushing
 
How can we rush the healing process when we don’t know where we are going? We need to feel better, but that is hard to identify, especially if we have grown up experiencing trauma. We can assume that our trauma responses are our natural state, and it can come as quite a surprise when we realize that we are not restless people, blank-minded, or emotionless, but we have been stuck in these trauma responses for so long.
 
So we need to go slowly to reacquaint ourselves with who we are. Sort of like putting together the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle when we haven’t a clear picture of the end result. Again, this might take some time.
 
In this fast-paced world, a world with so much trauma, what better way to heal, to show yourself that you are safe and of value, than to try a bit of slow healing.
 
 Take care of yourself.
 
~~~
 
I wonder if you have read anything that creates more questions in you. If you would like to explore these questions, I am here. You can reach out by calling, texting, or emailing me. Or you can use the contact form on the About page of this website.
 
~~~
 
Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
 Explore Transform LLC
 Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey
 www.exploretransform.com
 +1 (201) 779-6917
 
#trauma #psychotherapy #NewJersey

Psychotherapist Chris Warren-Dickins welcomes you to Explore Transform counseling and psychotherapy, based in Ridgewood, New Jersey.

Book online today for a free callback.
Alternatively, you can email us at chris@exploretransform.com or call us on +1 (201) 779-6917.

Last month there was an initiative to raise more awareness about sexual assault. At least one in six men have been sexually violated (1in6.org), and experts say that the number is probably even higher because men are less likely to report when they have been sexually assaulted or raped.
 
According to 1in6.org, it takes a man an average of 22 years to speak about his experiences as a survivor of sexual violation. Society conditions men to remain silent, and to hide their vulnerability.  If a man were to report his own sexual violation, this might be viewed (by some) as a direct contradiction to this conditioning.  This might mean a man might not recognize himself as a survivor of sexual violation, or he is too ashamed to report it, or other people might not believe him.
 
Another issue is that society often interprets men’s behavior through the lens of aggression or anger, rather than an expression of distress, including a sign that they have experienced trauma. This is further complicated when people confuse sexuality and sexual violence, assuming sexual violence is sexual act rather than an act of violence. As a result, many people fail to appreciate the number of straight men who are a survivor of sexual violence.
  
If you have experienced sexual violation, or you know someone who has, you might feel emotionally numb, or you might be stuck in hypervigilance, which means you are easily startled or quick to get angry or upset. Here is a little more on each of these concepts –
 
Emotionally numb – Another term for this is dissociation. To survive the experience of sexual violation, your brain might have shut down for a moment.  It did what it needed to, otherwise the experience might have been overwhelming. The trouble is, the danger has now passed, so you need to reconnect with your emotions, your thoughts, and your body.  With the help of a trained professional, such as a psychotherapist, you can learn some grounding exercises, to become aware of your whole self.  It is important to know that you have not necessarily become emotionally numb forever.  It was a survival mode that should, with the right help, become a temporary state.
 
Hypervigilance, easy to become startled or get angered or upset – If you were sexually violated, your body probably went into fight or flight mode.  Your sympathetic nervous system kicked in, sending the blood pumping around your body, and readying your body to fight or flee.  The trouble is, you were not able to get away, and so your brain and body are still stuck in that fight or flight mode, stuck in hypervigilance.  It is as if your brain and body have unfinished business, leaving your brain on edge, and causing you to jump at even the slightest sudden noise, smell, touch or thought.  You are still ready for attack, long after the danger has gone. 
 
All of this can have an impact on your intimate relationships, your sense of trust of other people, the way you work, your concentration levels, your sleep, and your appetite.  It is also a constant drain on your body.  You may deal with it by isolating yourself or trying to keep things under excessive control (which, in turn, leads others to tire of you, dismissing you unkindly as a ‘control freak’).   You may even engage in substance abuse, as a way of escaping this constant sense of panic.

What can help
Talking to a trained professional, such as a psychotherapist, is an important step to take.  With the help of a psychotherapist, you will do three things –

1. Establish safety – This might include the need for deep relaxation and grounding exercises, to activate your parasympathetic nervous system, so your body is not permanently fixed in ‘fight or flight’ mode.  There are numerous relaxation and grounding exercises available (for free), so it is down to personal preference, but my favorites include Progressive Relaxation, The Four Elements, mindfulness exercises such as Loving Kindness Meditation, and the Three Minute Breathing Space.  You can find these on my Audio Therapy page.
2. Retell the story of your sexual violation from a position of control, allocating responsibility to the perpetrator.
3. Reconnect with society, including friends and family.

There are different types of psychotherapy available, and one particularly effective approach for trauma is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR).  EMDR is recognized as an “A” level of treatment for trauma, recommended by the World Health Organization and the National Institute for Clinical Excellence. 

There are other types of therapy, and most will focus on your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations.  It is important to include work on the body, as that acts as a bridge between your thoughts and emotions.  You hold a great deal of your trauma in your body, causing all sorts of physical symptoms including stomach cramps, constipation, migraines, and nausea.

No matter what approach your therapist takes, it is essential that you look out for your negative, self-critical voice.  If you are the survivor of sexual violation, and you are carrying shame, this critical voice will be turned up to full volume.  Work with your therapist to turn down the volume on this critical voice, replacing judgement with understanding.  Understand that your thoughts, emotions and body may have done all sorts of things to survive the sexual violation.  For example, you might have engaged in escapist behavior, such as denial or substance abuse, or you may have lashed out (at others or yourself) with the rage that you were feeling.  Understand that this was what you had to do to survive.  These might not have been constructive coping mechanisms, but they were all you had to survive, and now is the time to replace these with more helpful coping mechanisms.

I hope you found this useful. Please get in contact if you need to discuss any of this.
Book online today for a free callback.
Alternatively, you can email us at chris@exploretransform.com or call us on +1 (201) 779-6917.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Explore Transform LLC
Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com
+1 (201) 779-6917

What do COVID vaccinations, the assassination of JFK, and the moon landing all have in common? They have all been the subject of conspiracy theories. And there are plenty more. According to research carried out by Pew Research Center, more than half of Americans have heard of QAnon, one of the better-known conspiracy groups of recent times. For as many blog posts, updates on Instagram, and TikToks, there are as many variations in the perception of reality. This is a good and bad thing. On the one hand, it is healthy to think critically about the information we are given. On the other, we can end up straying too far from common sense, putting us and others in danger
 
A sense of belonging and identity
Conspiracy theories, extremism, even intolerance, can all give someone a sense of belonging and identity. This is especially so if someone accepts those conspiracy theories, extreme views or intolerance from friends or family members. Our emotions serve as a significant motivator for our behavior, and if the choice is between rejection of those views or a sense of belonging, often we will choose a sense of belonging. As psychology professor Arie W. Kruglanski points out, one of the appealing factors of extremism is the “ideological narrative—the story a terrorist group tells to justify its actions,” justifying the actions according to “group values.” Group values can give someone a sense of belonging or identity, and that can be quite attractive when someone has low self-esteem, or they feel isolated.
 
Our fear of uncertainty
When we create conspiracy theories or we hold extreme views, we claim to know "the truth", whether or not we have the evidence to back it up. We prefer this false sense of certainty because our brains are hardwired to fear uncertainty. For our predecessors, uncertainty posed a significant threat: It meant that we might not survive the night, we might not know where we would find food or shelter, and we might not know whether that beast was going to devour us. In the twenty-first century, we still fear uncertainty with the same sense of mortal dread, and so some of us would prefer to cling to the certainty of conspiracy theories or extreme views, rather than embrace that uncertainty. This is especially true if we have survived trauma. Research shows that we are more likely to adopt black-and-white thinking to avoid the uncertainty we fear.
 
A growth in technology
Before the cell phone and social media, conspiracy theories might have been a problem confined to small ripples in social circles. But every post, like and retweet transforms these half-baked ideas into verified authority. We haven’t got the time to verify every last piece of information, so we rely on information from others, and, as a result, we can quickly drift from any semblance of reality. And if we were just talking about us adults, that’s one thing, but as Helen Lovejoy said in the Simpsons, “Won’t someone please think of the children!”. According to the United Nations, the internet is one of the main strategies used to recruit children to extremism, and the same can be said for conspiracy theories.
 
Pandemics = Conspiracy theories, extremism, and intolerance
It is no coincidence that we are examining conspiracy theories as we emerge from a pandemic. History shows us that conspiracy theories, extremism, and intolerance thrive during times of crisis and upheaval. Most pandemics followed this pattern, whether it was the cholera epidemics between the 1830s and 1860s or the 1918 influenza pandemic which killed fifty million worldwide. As Ervin Staub points out in The Roots of Evil: The Psychological and Cultural Origins of Genocide and Other Forms of Group Violence, acts of extremism such as genocides “often arise under conditions of acute societal uncertainty.”
 
Distress tolerance, and rebuilding a sense of belonging and identity
So what to do about all of this? If our fear of uncertainty is keeping us reaching for conspiracy theories, extremism and intolerance as much as our quick fix of social media, we need to learn how to reduce the distress associated with uncertainty. Your brain is an amazing flexible tool, so it can relearn as much of what it has learned already. This includes learning to tolerate uncertainty. Sometimes this can follow a basic exposure approach, where we identify uncertainty in our daily life, and then adopt a mindful approach as we breathe through the discomfort of it. That way, our brain can learn that this is survivable. 

You can also identify where you might have made assumptions to fill the gap of uncertainty, checking the facts and challenging some of those black-and-white thought patterns. In addition, you can identify other ways to develop a sense of belonging and identity, ways that are more constructive than conspiracy theories, extremism, and intolerance. 
 
I hope you find all of this helpful. If you have any questions, get in touch.
Book online today for a free callback.
Alternatively, you can email us at chris@exploretransform.com or call us on +1 (201) 779-6917.

​Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Explore Transform LLC
Counseling and Psychotherapy in Bergen County, New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com
+1 (201) 779-6917

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