I would love for you to join us at our LGBTQ group.  We meet at 7.30pm every third Wednesday of the month, in downtown Ridgewood, NJ.  Please message me for more details.  chris@exploretransform.com

Whether it is a new or long-lasting relationship, there are some key points to consider to really keep it healthy, stable and fulfilling - 

1. There is no such thing as ‘the truth’.  There is your version, and your partner’s version.  To make a relationship work, it is about meeting each other in the middle
2. Everyone is entitled to have feelings and needs.  It is respectful to listen to each other’s feelings and needs, without trying to change these, or to say that these are wrong
3. Blame is toxic.  Instead, try to look at a way to move forward.  Sometimes one party to the relationship might simply want to be heard
4. To assume is to make an ass out of you and me.  We live busy lives and so we cannot always find time to discuss things. So we make assumptions about the other person, and sometimes that can distort the relationship into something that is far from the truth.  Try to find a way to ask your partner (even if it is by notes left around the home) rather than making assumptions
5. Speak from the heart.  Couples may communicate thoughts and logic, but emotions are often left unspoken.  Emotions are neither right nor wrong, so if someone is feeling upset or angry, they need to be allowed to feel this
6. Abuse should never be tolerated.  No matter what label that person has (husband, wife, mother, father), they do not have the right to inflict abuse.  Abuse can take many forms, including emotional, verbal, sexual and physical
7. Assertiveness is essential in any relationship.  None of us are assertive all of the time, but we should try to avoid passive or aggressive behaviour as much as possible
8. The glass is half full, and half empty.  Although examining the negative aspects of a relationship is useful (in a bid to improve the situation), don’t end up neglecting the positive aspects
9. Context is all.  You may not feel as excited as you once were when you met this person, but look at the entire picture.  Perhaps there are additional pressures (such as raising a family or maintaining a home) that make it unrealistic to expect the same as you had before
10. Communication is key.  The most common theme in relationships is communication.  However you can achieve this, make effective communication your number one priority.  This includes developing self-awareness, allowing each party to the relationship to have their say, and active listening

Chris Warren-Dickins is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood, New Jersey.  He specializes in psychotherapy for couples, adolescents, men, and the LGBTQ+ community. 
Sessions are available in-person at 162 E Ridgewood Ave, Ridgewood NJ 07451, or via the internet or telephone. Book a consultation today www.exploretransform.com
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If you are struggling with depression or anxiety, one of the first steps is to identify your methods of self-care.  There are endless ways to look after yourself, and everyone has their preferences, but when depression weighs heavily, or anxiety burns through our every vein, we can forget even the most basic things.
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You could ask someone to help you to make a list of all the potential ways people can exercise self-care.  I have my own list of self-care items, and reading fiction and drinking hot chocolate are just two. 

Once you have brainstormed as many different methods of self-care as possible, choose the ones you want to appear on your own list.  Which one are you going to choose for today?  And when are you going to do it?  When I finish this blog post I am going to give myself a small amount of time to lose myself in a Margaret Atwood novel.
Depression or anxiety is difficult to manage alone.  So if you need to speak to a trained professional, call me today on (201) 779-6917

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, Bergen County, New Jersey
T: (201) 779-6917              E: chris@exploretransform.com                              
W: www.exploretransform.com

​Here are three ways to combat depression.  If you take nothing else from this, focus on breaking the depression cycle.

Chris Warren-Dickins is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood, New Jersey.  He specializes in psychotherapy for couples, adolescents, men, and the LGBTQ+ community. 
Sessions are available in-person at 162 E Ridgewood Ave, Ridgewood NJ 07451, or via the internet or telephone. Book a consultation today www.exploretransform.com
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It could not be easier to book a consultation with Chris Warren-Dickins LPC.

​Click on the image below and choose the day and time that works for you.

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, and adolescents.  
His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450
Sessions are available in-person or online

Trust is an integral part of any relationship.  If we communicate in a way that undermines this trust, we have little hope of maintaining a relationship, whether that is a personal relationship or a working relationship with a fellow team member. 
 
I have worked with couples and groups who refuse to communicate in an open way.  Whether it is through fear or a lack of awareness, they continuously provoke mistrust in the other party to that relationship, expecting trust to simply materialise without any work on their behalf.  The Johari Window is a useful tool to help with the hard work that is needed to establish trust.  It helps us to develop self-awareness and encourage open communication and feedback, and it has been used with individuals, couples and groups. 
 
In short, the Johari Window comprises the following elements –

• Human interaction is based on four aspects of knowledge –
  • 1.  Knowledge which is known by yourself and by others (your open area)
  • 2.  Knowledge which is known by others but not by you (your blind area)
  • 3.  Knowledge which is unknown by others but is known by you (your hidden area)
  • 4.  The final area is knowledge which is unknown by others and unknown by you (your unknown area). 
• The assumptions which form the basis of the Johari Window are that –
  • If you disclose information about yourself, this will develop trust, and
  • You can develop greater self-awareness with feedback from others.

 
As a result, the aim of any work on a relationship, any work to improve one’s communication skills, and any work on team building, should include an attempt to increase the amount of knowledge within the open area (to the extent that you feel comfortable with this level of disclosure). 
 
There are numerous exercises to develop trust in a relationship, and I have set out below just one.  I have used the example of a couple, but this could equally apply to a group of people, including a team in a working environment.  What is important is that you approach this with an open heart and mind, remembering that humour can help grease many a cog!
 
Exercise – How you see me, how you don’t
 
Set aside a quiet time when you will not be disturbed.  It does not have to be a very long period of time (perhaps 30 minutes at the maximum), but during that time you agree that no one takes calls or checks emails.
 
Agree with each other the following –

• What is discussed is an attempt to build trust, not destroy it.  Therefore anything that is said must be constructive
• Comments are to remain confidential (with the usual exception if you are concerned about an immediate risk to someone’s welfare)
• When one person is speaking, the other must remain quiet and listen
• Try to reserve judgment about what is said.  Sometimes ideas take a while to form, and so what may be said initially may not be the whole of what is intended.  Think about when you write something:  The first draft often needs to be amended.  The same can apply to what is spoken
• If you truly feel uncomfortable, you can end the exercise at any time

 
Divide up the allocated time (for example, 30 minutes) as follows –
 
1.  10 minutes - One member of the couple (Person A) offers answers to the following questions about the other member of the couple (Person B) –

• How do you perceive this person?  Are they warm or cool?
• Are they immediate or slow in contact?
• Are they anxious or relaxed?
• Are they engaged or distant?
• Are they congruent or incongruent?
• Are they strong or vulnerable?
• Are they fearful or open?
• Are they intrusive or distant?

 
2.  10 minutes – The other member of the couple (Person B) offers answers to the same questions about the other member of the couple (Person A) –

• How do you perceive this person?  Are they warm or cool?
• Are they immediate or slow in contact?
• Are they anxious or relaxed?
• Are they engaged or distant?
• Are they congruent or incongruent?
• Are they strong or vulnerable?
• Are they fearful or open?
• Are they intrusive or distant?

 
​3.  10 minutes - Spend this remaining time discussing the answers each person gave to the other.  During this discussion you may wish to – 

• Ask for more information
• Ask for specific examples
• Thank the other person for having the courage to offer these answers

 
Try not to act in a defensive manner, and try not to apologise.  One person’s perception of you is as valid as your perception of the other person.  And you may also have had valid reasons for acting in a certain way.  But that is not the point.  The point is to listen with an open heart and mind, because this will offer you the opportunity to learn about how you are perceived by others. 
 
In closing, remember the assumptions underpinning the Johari Window –

• If you disclose information about yourself, this will develop trust, and
• You can develop greater self-awareness with feedback from others.

Chris Warren-Dickins is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood, New Jersey.  He specializes in psychotherapy for couples, adolescents, men, and the LGBTQ+ community. 
Sessions are available in-person at 162 E Ridgewood Ave, Ridgewood NJ 07451, or via the internet or telephone. Book a consultation today www.exploretransform.com
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As a member or ally of the LGBTQ+ community, you deserve the right support from the right professional.

As a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I understand how difficult it is to find a safe place where you can share your experiences.  I will provide that safe, non-judgmental space to allow you to make sense of what is troubling you, and together we can achieve your full potential.

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, and adolescents.  
Sessions are available in-person, or online.
​His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450

We carry around a multitude of coping skills, but sometimes we forget we even have them.  It  can be as simple as smiling at people, laughing with your friends, reading a book, or taking a walk.

What is your favorite coping skill?  Why not try a new one out?  And dust off an old one, to imprint it in your memory, so you know you can use it the next time things get tough.

​Chris Warren-Dickins LPC specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, and adolescents.  Read more about his work on this page.
His office is located in downtown Ridgewood at 162 E Ridgewood Avenue, Suite 4B, Ridgewood, NJ 07450

Do you ever feel as if you are the scapegoat in a group, the one who ends up carrying the blame for everything when things go wrong? Or perhaps you feel compelled to take the lead in a group, frustrated that no one else has stepped up to take some of the responsibility. If this is happening, perhaps the forces of group dynamics are taking hold. On one end of the scale, a lack of awareness about group dynamics might lead to your feelings or needs remaining unheard. At the more extreme end of the scale, this group dysfunctional group dynamics could lead to persecution of the more vulnerable members of the group. How can you protect yourself when you interact within a group, and how can you ensure that your feelings and needs are met? 

Every time a group is formed, it is arguable that group dynamics are being played out. Group dynamics comprise of –

1.    Group roles adopted by each member of the group
2.    The development of a group as it progresses through its process (group process)

You may have heard of group dynamics in the context of your working life. But you probably find yourself in a group in other parts of your life, whether that is in your immediate or distant family, your friendships, or the group of parents you meet up with as your child participates in sporting practice.

Let’s look at each part of group dynamics in a little more detail –

Group roles
When you are interacting in a group, you may feel that you are compelled to do something that other group members are not. You may not understand why you feel compelled to do this, but it may be because you feel a task of the group needs to be achieved. For example, everyone in your group might be complaining about the rise in crime in the area, and you are all wondering how you can stay safe. You might feel frustrated about these constant complaints without any action, and, as a result, you might decide to seek out the exact numbers of crimes in your area, to see if there has been a rise, or whether this is just perception. It is arguable that you are adopting a group role here, and that might be the role of ‘information-gatherer’. 

There is theory to explain why you may feel compelled to become the ‘information-gatherer’. In a paper called ‘Functional Roles of Group Members’ Kenneth Benne and Paul Sheats wrote about group roles and, in doing so, they identified several roles, including the role of ‘information-seeker’. Here are some of the group roles, and you can see that Benne and Sheats organised them into three different categories: 1. Group task roles; 2. Group building and maintenance roles; and 3. Individual (or dysfunctional) roles –
“Group Task Roles
Initiator-Contributor – suggests new ideas and ways of looking at problems or goals.
Information Seeker – asks for clarification and for supporting facts and authority.
Opinion Seeker – asks for clarification of pertinent values.
Information Giver – offers ‘authoritative’ facts or generalisations or relates relevant aspects of his or her own experience.
Opinion Giver – states belief or opinion, emphasising values rather than facts or information.
Elaborator – spells out suggestions (eg with examples), offers a rationale for proposals, and explores likely implications of proposals if adopted.
Coordinator – shows or clarifies relationships among ideas and suggestions, tries to pull them together, tries to coordinate activities.  
Orientor – defines the group’s position with respect to its goals by summarising what has occurred, identifies departures from agreed directions and goals, or raises questions about the direction discussion is taking.
Evaluator-Critic – assesses suggestions, etc, and questions their practicality, their logic, the facts, the procedure.
Energizer – prods the group to decision, action, ‘higher quality’, etc.
Procedural technician – expedites ‘group movement’ by performing routine, tasks, etc.
Recorder – writes down suggestions, records group decisions, acts, etc. As the ‘group memory’.
Group Building and Maintenance Roles
Encourager – praises, commends, agrees with and accepts the contributions of others. Conveys warmth and solidarity.
Harmonizer – attempts to reconcile disagreements, relieve tension by joking, etc.
[There is also the Compromiser, Gatekeeper/Expediter, Standard setter, Group Observer/Commentator and the Follower *** ]
Individual [or ‘Dysfunctional’] Roles
Aggressor – may seek to deflate the status of others, express disapproval of the values, acts and feelings of others, joke aggressively, try to take credit for another’s contribution.
Blocker – tends to be negative or stubbornly resistant, to disagree and oppose without and beyond reason, to reopen issues after the group has dealt with them.
[There is also the Recognition Seeker, Self-Confessor and Playboy [or Playgirl] *** ]
(*** For a full set of the group roles, please see ‘Functional Roles of Group Members’ - Journal of Social Sciences, Vol. 4, Issue 2)

So you may ask: So what? This is all very interesting on a theoretical level, but what does it mean for me? With awareness of the group role we may be adopting, we can see that

1.    There is a purpose for our behaviour. If we each adopt different roles, this might help achieve the tasks that the group has (consciously or unconsciously) formed to achieve. Knowing this can often counteract the frustration we initially felt when we thought that we were always the one who was doing all the work. Instead, we might see that each group member is still working in a way that fulfils a particular group role. 
2.    Conversely, we might see that we are the only one who is adopting a task role, and others are adopting dysfunctional or individualistic roles. With this awareness, we are in a better position to assertively challenge this dysfunctional behaviour.
3.    We can be flexible as the needs of the group develop. For example, once we have achieved the task of information-seeking, we might need to then adopt the role of information-giver. To know what roles are required of us, we need to understand what stage our group has reached in terms of group development. As a result, we will turn to the second aspect of group dynamics, and that is ‘group process’. 

Group process
Groups usually develop according to a predictable process. My favourite way of putting this is Bruce Tuckman’s approach: 
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1.    Groups form, when there may be a lack of group cohesion, a lack of certainty as to which group roles each member should adopt, and a dependence on some sort of group leader.
2.    Groups storm, which means that group roles are slowly being allocated, but this may be the subject of dispute as the group establishes itself. 
3.    Groups norm, which means they (consciously or unconsciously) agree on how the group should be, and there is greater clarity in terms of group roles.
4.    Groups perform whatever task(s) they have (consciously or unconsciously) formed to achieve.
5.    Finally, groups adjourn, when the group task(s) have been achieved.

An awareness of group process can help us to understand what is happening, and it can offer the opportunity to become more sensitive to individual group members. For example, if we know that in the early stages of a group we are storming, we will expect more conflict and disruption, and we might be able to develop a healthy distance from this, seeing it as a natural, and important part of the group’s development. The same can be said for child development: If we have a general understanding of certain tasks that are expected of certain stages of child development, we can adopt a more understanding attitude towards that child or teenager.

Talking to a psychotherapist
Without awareness of what is going on, we can fall into a trap, and, as a result, we can end up doing things that we would not have chosen to do. Talking to a psychotherapist can help you to become aware of group dynamics. Once you have this awareness, you can work with the psychotherapist to make an informed choice about how to respond. You may decide to carry on in the same way, but if you decide to make a change, for example, by challenging a group member who is adopting a dysfunctional role, this can be difficult to manage alone. Other group members may have come to expect you to be a certain way, and so, working with the support of a psychotherapist, you can explore what life might be like if you did decide to change, and what strength and resources you have to face this challenge. 

Hope you found this informative.

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood NJ 07450 and Teaneck NJ 07666. 
To book an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com
https://www.exploretransform.com/
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