Someone once spoke of the beauty of a tiger lily.  It was beautiful not because it crouched down, for fear of being discovered.  Instead, it stood proudly reaching for the sun.  The pride was its beauty, and its strength. Stand tall, strand strong, and stand proud.  And the beauty will shine

An initial telephone consultation is free.  Book this by clicking on the link below, or calling or emailing Chris Warren-Dickins
Online booking – https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=16644928
Telephone – +1 (201) 862-7776
Email – chris@exploretransform.com
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If I read one more tweet about standing still and enjoying life, I may throw a yoga mat at the cat.  Just as much as I have rushed around and felt frazzled by the demands of life, I have been guilty of these tweets.  Sometimes the fizz can be taken out of stress by standing still, taking stock, and being in the moment.   Sometimes a little bit of mindfulness, or reading The Power of Now, can help.  But sometimes this is not enough.
 
It is okay to live under a little bit of pressure, because we all need this to keep going.  But too much pressure can lead to stress, which means to burn out, or to break.  Stress can show itself in a number of different ways, but the common symptoms include racing thoughts (or even a blank mind), palpitations, nausea, tightness in the chest, and breathlessness.  We all know that stress is unhealthy, we do not need to go into that.  But if we work, and if we have children to care for, it is not always realistic to expect to have time to put our own needs first.  This is especially so if we are working in a busy city where overcrowding is an issues.  What makes things worse for us city-dwelling working parents, studies have found that people who lives in cities are at greater risk of developing mental health issues (for example, The current status of urban-rural differences in psychiatric disorders, Peen J, Schoevers RA, Beekman AT, Dekker J).
 
Sometimes a huge step towards stress reduction is realism.  If we are realistic with what we can achieve, then the weight of expectation is instantly lifted.  We might hope to achieve some sort of ‘downtime’, but if we limp towards the weekend without a moment to stop, then that should not be viewed as another failure.  There may be things we can change, but we have to accept that sometimes we have set things up in a way for a particular reason. 
 
Instead of jumping straight into relaxation exercises or mindfulness, we first need to understand what makes us tick, or to use another phrase, we need to understand our process.  Our ‘process’ includes
 

• The assumptions we make about us, our loved ones, and the world around us.  Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy, stated that there are three basic assumptions that cause stress:
  • Assumptions about the world (for example, the world must be a fair place),
  • Assumptions about others (for example, others must be kind and fair to me), and
  • Assumptions about ourselves (for example, I must be hard working and successful)

Once we change these assumptions, or ‘must’ statements into preferences (for example, ‘I would like to be successful’ rather than ‘I must be successful’), then, if things do not work out as planned, this can de-awfulise the situation, and alleviate the stress.

• Our ‘process’ also includes
  • Our values, which essentially means what we view as important in life,
  • Our triggers (for example, we might tend to get stressed about work more than home life),
  • Our relationships (how we view the quality of our relationships, and how we tend to relate to people), and
  • How we regulate our emotions, and whether we have certain tendencies (for example, we might tend to be more anxious or depressed than others).

Once we understand our process, we have more information to see why we might be how we are.  We can then adopt a kinder voice when things don’t necessarily go to plan.  For example, if you fail to find time for yourself, perhaps this is as a result of choices you have made, and those choices have been informed by your values.  Once you change a perceived failure into a choice, life feels more in control than before.
Then there are the blind spots.  We may feel like we have no time whatsoever, but perhaps we are not looking hard enough.  Time to unwind, to practice mindfulness or just be in the moment, can be a few minutes each day.  It could be that we use part of the journey into work, or a moment on the toilet, just to stop our minds racing, and check in with what is happening in that moment.  What are we aware of?  Are we short of breath?  Are our minds racing round corners of future uncertainty?  We do not have to achieve anything in that moment other than just to stop.  And sometimes that can be enough.  If not, perhaps it can give us a little more space to realise what we do need.
There are plenty more ways to combat stress, and perhaps you have encountered some of these.  I have set out below a handful of tips, and I have also included a very simple relaxation exercise.  The key point to take away from this is forgiveness.  If you manage to remember a few of these tips every now and again, brilliant.  The worst thing you can do is use these to beat yourself up, adding further stress with the idea that you are somehow failing –
 

• Ask for help when you need it.
• Be flexible whenever you can.
• Be clear what being assertive involves, and practice it when you can.  I have set out below a link to my assertiveness article.
• Don’t try to tackle a project but approach each task in turn.
• Make use of your calendar.  You can never get through your ‘to do’ list in one go, so perhaps schedule certain days for certain tasks.
• Try not to blame others.
• Be open to feedback (giving and receiving).

 
Quick and easy relaxation exercise  –
 

• Make some space in your day, whether that is a few minutes, five or fifteen.  Just knowing that you have that space can help with the relaxation process, because you can look forward to it when you are busy.
• During that time period –
  • Breathe in gently and hold your breath for a few seconds.
  • Breathe out so that you can hear the exhalation of your breath.  Notice the breath as it goes out. Is it cool or hot, is it strong or weak?  Make no assumptions about it but just notice it.
  • Breathe in again and hold for a few seconds.
  • Again, breathe out and notice the exhalation. 
  • Repeat for your allocated time.

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood NJ 07450 and Teaneck NJ 07666. To book an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com

​It is thought that 2.6 in every 100 people suffer from depression (Mind).  As common as it may be, and sometimes it is even patently clear that it is right there in front of us, it is rarely talked about.  Winston Churchill described depression as the ‘black dog’ but it seems that it seems more to be the elephant in the room.

When I start working with a client who is depressed, we look at all the potential causes, whether that is in the present, the past, an unhelpful way of thinking, or even an unhealthy relationship.  It is important to have as open a mind to the potential causes, and it is rare that the depression is attributable to one factor. 

Once we have a clear idea of what might be the potential causes, the difficult part is to challenge the status quo.  This is difficult because we often develop ways of living for a very good reason.  For example, as a child it might have been easier to believe that we were intrinsically a bad person, if this meant that it made sense of the cruelty inflicted on us by a parent. 

To let go of the belief that we are intrinsically a bad person, and so deserving of the cruelty, we have to identify, and gently start to challenge, our distorted thinking.  We need to reality-test our assumptions and replace these with more rational ways of thinking.  But how can we do this?  Here are some examples of distorted thinking, and how we can challenge these–

Perfectionism
Depression often makes us believe that we cannot do anything unless we do it perfectly.  If we do not challenge perfectionism, we will end up caught in the depression cycle.  This is where your negative thoughts cause a low mood and you end up less willing to engage in the activities you previously enjoyed.  As a result, the reduced activity will lead to further negative thoughts, and a lower mood, and even less activity.  To challenge perfectionism - 

• Consider the fact that there is an important learning process involved with making mistakes
• Open yourself to the moment.  There may be a certain level of enjoyment by simply experiencing the task, rather than placing expectation on any certain result.
• Realise that many people feel more comfortable with someone who is less than perfect
• Do not avoid activities, and try to set deadlines for tasks.  Perfectionism often makes someone avoid a task altogether or spend a disproportionately long time on a task.

Tyranny of the 'shoulds'
I often work with clients who are depressed because they believe that certain things should happen (I should, they should), and if these things do not happen, they are left feeling frustrated.  It can be helpful to try and challenge these 'shoulds' in the following ways - 

• Why should it be that way?  Does it matter so much that you end up feeling frustrated and stressed out when things do not go accordingly?
• Once you have identified all of the 'should' statements, prioritise them.  Some will be more important than others, so this might help you realise that your reaction is not always proportionate. Perhaps some are even so low down on the priority list that you could learn to live without them.
• Make sure these 'should' statements are about your own values and not those you have blindly swallowed from someone else.  We all grow up hearing the values of our caregivers, but sometimes these are not values we would consciously choose as an adult.  Choose to let go of those that are not really ours.
• It can ease pressure on the situation if you replace 'I should/they should' with 'I would like....but I accept that this may not happen'.

In parallel with the focus on your thinking patterns and underlying beliefs, you should take care not to fall into the depression cycle.  This is where your negative thoughts cause a low mood and you end up less willing to engage in the activities you previously enjoyed.  As a result, the reduced activity will lead to further negative thoughts, and a lower mood, and even less activity.  Break out of this cycle and set yourself simple tasks to achieve each day.  Include a mixture of different types of activities (social, educational, creative and recreational), and use an activity diary to rate your feeling of achievement for each task.  Do not expect to immediately find these tasks enjoyable, and each day, increase the frequency and number of activities.

I hope you find this useful.  Do get in touch if you would like to discuss any of this.
​
Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood NJ 07450 and Teaneck NJ 07666. To book an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com

It is really hard to take that first step.  You may have a range of questions about psychotherapy, life coaching, or about me. Feel free to arrange a free telephone consultation, and ask away.  You can pick up the phone and call me on +1-201-862-7776, or schedule a call by sending me an email at chris@exploretransform.com or calling and leaving me a message at +1-201-862-7776

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood NJ 07450 and Teaneck NJ 07666. To book an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com

In a marriage, or any other relationship, we come together with our own set of assumptions.  These assumptions can clash, and more often we argue, the tighter we hold onto our assumptions.  In the two articles I wrote for Marriage.com, I have set out how we can manage conflicts in a relationship.  

If you would like to read either one of my articles in Marriage.com, click on the images below

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Bergen County, NJ.
To schedule a free initial consultation, click on this link: https://BookFreeTelephoneConsultation.as.me/
Or you can contact him via telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com
Here is his website:  www.exploretransform.com

If we feel anxious, we perceive dangers, and we often believe that we are unable to cope with that feared situation.  Often this is a fallacy, and there is little to fear, and we actually have the ability we doubt.
 
The more we avoid a situation, the more anxiety takes whole.  Therapists help people to reduce their anxiety by gradually exposing them to the situations they fear
 
You can read more about managing anxiety by reading one of the following books -

• Jon Kabat Zinn.  Full Catastrophe Living
• ​David Burns.  The Feeling Good Handbook

 
Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood NJ 07450 and Teaneck NJ 07666. To book an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com
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Social anxiety consists of a pool of fear that is ignited by the spark of each mistaken assumption:  You assume that others are better than you, or you assume that you will fail at a social situation, or you assume that you have to perform perfectly in a social situation. 
 
But it does not have to be this way.  Have a look at ten top tips to help you manage your social anxiety -  

1.     Automatic thoughts?  Anxiety is fuelled by our thoughts and assumptions.  We can only gain control of social anxiety if we are aware of the assumptions we make about socialising.  Write them down
2.     Reality test.  Challenge these assumptions.  are they realistic?  Do you know for sure that things will work out that way?  If they do, on a scale of 0-100, how bad would it really be?
3.     Cost-benefit analysis.  If you fear the discomfort of a social interaction, weigh up the discomfort that avoiding social interactions is costing you.  If the cost of isolation outweighs the discomfort of interacting, it is worth the extra effort
4.     Stay with it.  When you experience the pulsating heart, the sweaty palms, and the racing thoughts, the first instinct is to run away.  But try to just stay with it.   You might find that the anxious feelings subside
5.     Holding patterns.  If you are concerned about not knowing what to say, rehearse holding patterns such as ‘I need to think about that’, or ‘I will come back to you’.  And have a list of topics you can reel off in any social situation (the weather, the latest films, popular music)
6.     Your opinion counts.  Too often people have social anxiety because they believe they have nothing to offer.  Everyone has an opinion, and yours is just as valid
7.     Find a model.  Do you know someone who is good in a social situation?  If so, what do they do to make things work?  Can you imagine modelling any of that behaviour?
8.     Relaxation exercises.  Have a range of relaxation exercises at your fingertips.  These don’t require a yoga mat or a scented candle.  You can simply draw your attention to your breathin, noticing the temperature of each breath as you breath in for a few seconds, and then breath out for a few seconds.  As you breath more steadily, it is difficult for your thoughts to keep racing with the same amount of energy
9.     It is a marathon, not a sprint.  Don’t assume that you are going to walk into every social interaction with an instantly transformed approach. It takes time to develop confidence, but each time you stay just a little bit longer, you develop that social muscle
10. Safety behaviour is not keeping you safe.  Some people avoid social situations altogether, or they say nothing, or they hide behind their hands or hair.  This is not keeping you safe.  It is simply putting off the inevitable situation when you will have to interact with people.  Why not try and let go of this behaviour, and allow yourself to develop that social muscle

Chris Warren-Dickins LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgewood New Jersey NJ 07450. 
To book an appointment, please telephone +1 (201) 862-7776 or email chris@exploretransform.com
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Trauma is never just about the thoughts, the memories, what can be articulated.  It impacts the whole body, the wider family, and sometimes carries ripples through society at large.  In this video Mary Jo Barrett discusses the impact of trauma https://youtu.be/6Mc5eIk8J6g

If you have any questions, you can book a free telephone consultation with Chris Warren-Dickins LPC by clicking here:  ​https://BookFreeTelephoneConsultation.as.me/