​You wake up with the best of intentions, and then life happens:
 

• Your kids need you to come to their sporting event;
• Your boss needs you to cover him while he does goodness-knows-what;
• Your partner needs you to pick up a whatever-the-kids-will-eat on your way home;
• And the car won’t start.

 
You start the day with an open heart and a willing head, and yet you still end up feeling like a scrunched up ball of paper.  There are so many demands on your time that it seems inevitable that you will fail. 
 
But it doesn’t have to be this way.  Life can still pull you in different directions and leave you feeling like a success.  And the answer is by looking at your values.  Your values are helpful markings on the roadmap of your life, guiding you at every turn. 
 
When you next feel torn in several different directions, take a step back and assess what is most important to you.  Identify your values for each area of your life.  This might vary a little according to the context, but it shouldn’t vary dramatically.  We all have a rough idea about how we want each part of our lives to look like. 
 
I have set out below a grid for you to use to help identify your values.  For each area of your life (home life, wider family, friends, working life, etc) identify the following three things -
 
The vision - This is a generic statement about how you would like each area of our life to look like.  For example, you know that you want to be the type of parent who spends at least some time with your kids.  You want to be present in their lives, and you want them to know you are there if they really need you.  That is the vision. 
 
A vision realised – Then for each vision, identify tangible examples of how that vision might be realised.  This is the maximum that you need to do to really reflect this vision.  For example, being present in your daughter’s life might mean, at a maximum, checking in with her once a day, or watching 80% of her sporting events.  It is important to be clear on when this vision would be realised, because we can sometimes overdo things.  For example, we probably don’t need to be at every single one of her sporting events, or we don’t need to check in with her five times a day!  Having the comfort that we have done enough frees us up for other parts of our life, without the guilt.
 
The boundaries – Finally, for each vision, identify tangible examples of how that vision might be breached.  For example, if we attend less than one sporting event a month, this might mean we need to focus more time and energy on this vision.

​I hope you find this useful. If you do fill this out, and you realise there need to be changes in your life, you might need help working out how to achieve those changes. Get in contact today to find out how a therapist might help you with this.
 
Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist
www.exploretransform.com
 

Coming out is more common than you think.  People often assume that it is a one-time process, or reserved for the teenage years.  In reality, it is a perpetual process, and it is experienced by people of all ages.  I come out on a regular basis.  People make assumptions about my sexuality and gender identity, often because of my wedding ring and the fact that I am a father of two children.  So when they start to refer to a wife that does not exist, I have to clarify things.

As it is such a common process, here are a few tips to help if your loved one comes out –

• A person’s sexuality and gender identity is a personal matter.  If they choose to disclose information, show a willingness to engage in conversation.  Do not ask intrusive questions but instead follow their lead. 

• Know that sexuality and gender identity exist on a spectrum.  Distinct labels are less important than a person’s experience of their identity. To understand a person’s sexuality or gender identity is to understand it from their own words and the meanings they attach to experiences.  Although labels are a societal convenience they should not be used to deny a person’s individual experiences.

• Understand the trauma of discrimination.  On a day to day basis, we may experience discrimination on many different levels.  For example, we may experience
  • External discrimination in the form of harassment, hate crimes, termination from employment, verbal or physical assault.  According to the Human Rights Watch, 86% of transgender participants had experienced sexual or physical assault, career-related discrimination, school bullying and harassment, homelessness, relationship losses, and denial of medical services. 
  • This is the account of one parent of an LGBTQ youth who had been interviewed by the Human Rights Watch:  ‘My son was dragged down the lockers, called ‘gay’ and ‘fag’ and ‘queer,’ shoved into a locker, and picked up by his neck. And that was going on since sixth grade. They tried shoving him into a girl’s bathroom and said that he’s worthless and should be a girl.
  • Internal discrimination – in the form of internalized homophobia and/or transphobia (the adoption of negative societal attitudes as your own).

There is evidence that living with this discrimination can lead to symptoms similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

• Coming out sometimes involving grieving.  There are ignorant people in this world, and to come out sometimes means that you lose people you thought were friends or family.  You can even lose your livelihood or your home.  According to the Ali Forney Center, LGBTQ youth comprises 40% of the homeless youth population in New York.  This is why organizations such as the Ali Forney Center do such amazing work.  And even if someone has not been kicked out of their home, they may still have to suffer the loss of a friend or family member.  Room should be given to allow this person to grieve the loss of this person.

• To assume is to make an Ass out of U and ME.  Ever heard that phrase?  Well, the more you make assumptions about someone, the greater risk you run of making an ass of yourself.  If in doubt, ask.

• Sexuality and gender identity are two distinct concepts.  Sexuality is about who someone is attracted to, and gender identity is about who the person is.  The two are not necessarily linked, so a person can be genderqueer but straight, or they can be cisgender but queer in terms of their sexuality. 

• Understand the harmful myths of heteronormativity and cisnormativity.  One common experience of people who come out is that they are met with ignorance about the ‘default’ or the ‘norm’ or the ‘desired’ way to live.  Due to a lack of education or experience, some people operate under the myth that heterosexuality and/or being cis-gender (identifying with the label of ‘male’ or ‘female’ that they were given at birth) is somehow the ‘norm’.  And it can take its toll.  I will say again:  To assume is to make an ASS out of U and ME.

 
If you need to talk about coming out, sexuality or gender identity, get in contact today.  You can book online, and an initial telephone call is free.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
www.exploretransform.com
​

Emotional pain can get us into trouble: 

• We lash out at the people we love
• We detach from our emotions so much that we lose a sense of who we really are
• We try to numb our emotional pain with food, alcohol or drugs
• We throw ourselves into work in the hope that it might distract us from our pain

If you talk to a therapist about your emotional pain, one helpful task is to search for ways to regulate your emotions. Psychologist Marsha M Linehan claims there are four ways to do this.  What do you think of these suggestions?  –

1. Change the situation. 

Does your emotional pain fit the facts?  Are you viewing reality, or are you making assumptions?  If your emotions fit the facts, your emotions are communicating an important message: The situation needs to change, and so you need to engage in a bit of problem solving to make that change.  You may need the help of your therapist to figure out how you are going to achieve that change, and what you are going to do if you cannot make any changes. 
 
2.  Change your emotions. 
If your emotional pain does not fit the facts (for example, you are making assumptions about things you do not really know about, or your emotions are out of proportion), then the situation does not need to change.  Instead, you need to work on changing your emotions.  Your therapist can help you with this, and one approach is to focus on activating your ‘rest and digest’ system (your in-built relaxation device).  There are simple exercises, such as deep breathing and visualizations, that you can do to force your body into a more relaxed state – isn’t the human body an amazing work of art!
 
3.  Accept the status quo.  
If you cannot change the situation, and you cannot change your emotions, you may feel a little better by focusing on acceptance of the status quo.  This is not just accepting it in your mind. Instead, you use every part of your body and mind to radically accept that things currently cannot be any different.  For example, if you have to work alongside someone who really annoys the hell out of you, you can radically accept this person with every inch of your body; you force a smile, and force positive thoughts and emotions about this person, even if it feels completely unnatural.  The idea is that this gives you a sense of freedom, if nothing else. This reminds me of Viktor Frankl’s words:  “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:  the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
 
4.  Stay in emotional pain.
According to Marsha M Linehan, the final option is, of course, to do nothing and stay in your emotional pain.  That is your choice.
 
If you have been suffering and you need help with this, get in contact today.  A confidential initial telephone call is free, and you can book this online. 
 
Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
www.exploretransform.com
 

The Male Label is associated with an increased risk of harm.  This includes higher rates of - 

• Suicide (4 times more likely*)
• Trauma (61% have experienced at least one trauma***)
  
• Violence (90% of violent crimes are committed by the Male Labelled)**** 
• Substance abuse (the death rate for alcohol-induced death is 3.5 times higher**)
• Incarceration (93% of the prison population are Male Labelled*)

The reasons for this are complex, but one clear issue is the way we as a society condition people who have been given the Male Label (referred to here as 'the Male Labelled').

We expect the Male Labelled to remain - 

• Silent about emotional distress,
• Independent,
• Strong, and 
• Direct attention outward to external gain, rather than inwards to one's emotions, or to connection and relationship with others

Some healthcare professionals pathologize the Male Labebelled, perpetuating the myth that- 

• The Male Labelled are naturally aggressive and angry
• The Male Labelled do not experience depression.

As a result, some healthcare professionals fail to spot the symptoms of depression, and instead look to externalizing disorders such as conduct disorder and substance use disorders (APA 2018*).  These are examples of Gender Bias.

When Gender Bias is communicated in the form of the above-mentioned myths, the Male Labelled can end up failing to engage with the help they need (for example, if they view healthcare professionals such as therapists as only available for the Female Labelled).  Even worse, the Male Labelled might engage with healthcare professionals but still end up without adequate help because of the Gender Bias perpetuated by our society.   

One stark example of Gender Bias was demonstrated by research carried out by Sandra and John Condry.  They showed one set of participants a recording of a baby in distress, and they labelled the baby 'Male'.  This group of participants interpreted the baby's distress as anger and frustration.  The Condrys then showed the same recording of the same baby to a different group, labelling the baby 'Female'.  This group interpreted the baby's distress as sadness and fear.  Consider how differently society responds to perceived anger compared with perceived sadness and fear.

The likelihood of getting adequate help reduces considerably when the Male Label intersects with other aspects of a person's identity.  For example, if we consider a person's sexuality, true gender identity or ethnicity, we see that the lack of adequate help is further complicated by incidents of 

• Transphobia
• Homophobia or Biphobia, and 
• Racism

To label someone is a societal convenience, it does not always reflect reality.  We need to look beyond a person's labels and see their whole.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist
Book a free initial assessment online today
www.exploretransform.com

References
*Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men, American Psychological Association, 2018
**DHHS, 1993
***SAMHSA
****United States Department of Justice, 2011

Have you ever found yourself doing things that are harmful, and yet you keep doing them?  No matter how hard you struggle, there are parts of you that keep acting in a certain way; for example, your anger gets the better of you, or you get drunk yet again, or you cheat on your partner, or you spend weeks working late when you don't really need to.

You know the logic:  This behaviour is going to cause you problems.  Ordinarily, you would not choose to do this.  And yet a part of you continues to act in this way.

The part of you that continues this behaviour is like an errant family member.  You wish they would stop disrupting family gatherings, but they continue to do so.  And yet, you have to continue to live together as one big family.  

One solution is to try and understand why this family member acts in such a way.  The same can be said of the part of you that keeps exploding in anger, getting drunk, or doing other things that you don't want to do.  If we dig a little deeper, we will probably find a reason for this behaviour.  If we adopt this more understanding approach, we might be able to win over this errant part of us, as we might try to win over the errant family member.  For example, we might come to understand that this part of us overeats because it soothes us when we are anxious.  Or we might come to understand that the part of us that gets drunk is trying to numb the pain that we fear might overwhelm us. 

When we adopt a more compassionate approach, we see that these parts might have actually been trying to protect us.  And when we approach these parts in a compassionate manner, they might see that it is now not effective to continue behaving in this way.  In fact, we might be causing more harm to continue in this way.

This is an approach to psychotherapy called Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS), and an IFS therapist will help you to communicate with these protective parts.  The therapist will help you to get the parts to relax so that they can work out a more helpful way to respond to problems.  The most effective way to do this is to access what is called the Self; a compassionate, calmer and confident version of you.  The Self comprises eight elements -

1. Curiosity
2. Calm
3. Confidence
4. Connectedness
5. Clarity
6. Creativity
7. Courage
8. Compassion

When you let the Self lead the way, you develop a calm, compassionate way of viewing your life.  In time, you find that you can heal yourself, and ultimately make smarter choices.

If you would like to find out more about how psychotherapy can help with your life choices, get in touch.  Book your free initial telephone call online today.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist
www.exploretransform.com

Feeling stressed?  Try Progressive Relaxation.

Developed by Edmund Jacobson (as long ago as 1908!), this simple exercise helps you to relieve stress which can be held in the body as well as the mind.

Book online, email, or telephone us to find out more about Progressive Relaxation, the symptoms of stress, and strategies for stress management.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC 

www.exploretransform.com

Without awareness, food can offer the illusion of escape as much as it can become a trap. Sometimes when we are stressed, we turn to food to manage our emotions.  This might be the result of habits that were formed very early in our childhood.  But habits can be broken, no matter how long we have lived with them.

I have recorded a Mindfulness exercise to help you to develop awareness around your eating habits.  With greater awareness, you can make informed choices about what and how you eat.  You may even end up enjoying the food a little more!

Book online today, telephone, or send us an email.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), Northern New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com              
201-779-6917              
chris@exploretransform.com​
#findatherapist #northernnewjersey #beyondtheblue #mentalhealth

Sometimes work can really suck, and yet we have no choice but to continue.  We may not be able to change the environment around us, but we can change how we view our work stress.

I have recorded an audio version of a mindfulness exercise that will help you with work stress. I hope you find it useful.

If you would like to find out more about anxiety, you can view free resources here.

Book online today, telephone, or send us an email.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), Northern New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com              
201-779-6917              
chris@exploretransform.com​
#findatherapist #northernnewjersey #beyondtheblue #mentalhealth

To manage anxiety, you need to believe in your inner resources.  To believe in your inner resources, you need to become aware of, and accept, your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations.

To help with this, there is a mindfulness exercise called the Body Scan.  During this exercise, as you scan your body, you become aware of your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations.  A key component of mindfulness is acceptance:

• You accept the thoughts that arise
• You accept the emotions that you are aware of, and
• You accept the bodily sensations that you notice

You do not have to do anything about the thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations, just notice them and accept them without judgment.  The idea is that the more we judge, or try to reject unwanted thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations, the more power we give them.  Sometimes if we just notice them, the thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations can peak and then subside.      

I have recorded an audio version of the Body Scan, so have a listen and see what comes up.  With a little practice, you will become aware of, and accept, your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations.  And in time, this will give you the resilience to manage your anxiety.

To find out more about anxiety, check out my additional free resources here.

Book online today, telephone, or send us an email.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), Northern New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com              
201-779-6917              
chris@exploretransform.com​
#findatherapist #northernnewjersey #beyondtheblue #mentalhealth

Relationships can endure pressure, and sometimes the pressure builds so much that they are fractured.  If this has happened to your personal or work relationship, here are a few steps to take -

1.  Decide if you need or want to repair this relationship.  If you weigh up the pros and cons of having this person in your life, you may realise that it is not worth continuing with the relationship. 

2.  Assuming you want to keep this person in your life, or you have no choice, you need to figure out how to repair that relationship.  This can be hard if someone has hurt you, or you believe that they ​have wronged you.  You need to develop compassion for this person, and one way is to try and empathise with how they may have viewed the situation.  Try and understand why they may have behaved in such a way.  You don't have to agree with someone to empathise with, and understand where they are coming from.

3.  Even if you can understand where someone is coming from, it can be hard to truly repair the relationship.  The final, and most essential, step is to develop compassion for that person.  To develop this compassion, there is a mindfulness exercise called the Loving Kindness Meditation.  This encourages you to hold the image of the person in your heart, as if a parent were holding their child.  This often takes time to master, but it is worth it.  

I have recorded an audio version of the Loving Kindness Meditation, so you can use it whenever you need to.  I hope you find this useful.

If you would like to find out more about anxiety, you can view free resources here.

Book online today, telephone, or send us an email.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), Northern New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com              
201-779-6917              
chris@exploretransform.com​
#findatherapist #northernnewjersey #beyondtheblue #mentalhealth