The U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy called loneliness a public health epidemic, and yet people rarely admit that they are lonely or socially isolated. Studies show that we are more willing to admit to any number of physical ailments than to admit we are lonely.
 
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) defined loneliness as a “feeling like you do not have meaningful or close relationships or a sense of belonging.” To lack meaningful or close relationships, to lack a sense of belonging, can be exceptionally damaging to a person’s mental health. Studies show there is a high correlation between loneliness and depression, anxiety, and other mental health challenges.
 
Loneliness isn't a numbers game; you can feel lonely in a crowded room. Loneliness involves feeling emotionally disconnected from others, either because they don't care, respect, or understand you. 
 
So, loneliness is about the quality of our social interactions rather than the quantity. Another way of putting it is that loneliness is defined by a gap between your expectation for meaningful social connection, and the reality you experience.
 
It can be one of the most powerful experiences to work with a therapist and figure out your approach to a relationship. You might do things without realizing it, setting yourself up for a fall, and yet when you form a relationship with a therapist, you can start to understand those patterns.
 
If you need to speak to an experienced psychotherapist about loneliness, book online for a free callback.

Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
Explore Transform LLC

Five dangers of burnout:
 
1
 
Research shows that burnout can thin the gray matter of your prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain that is responsible for important functions such as reasoning and decision-making), and it can enlarge the amygdala (the brain’s alarm system).
 
As a result, when our alarm system goes into overdrive, we sense threat when there is none, and we are less able to mediate this heightened state with cool, calming reason.
 
2
 
An amygdala in overdrive activates the sympathetic nervous system, our fight-or-flight response, which can lead to higher levels of stress hormones, including cortisol and epinephrine.
 
Increased levels of epinephrine damage blood vessels and arteries and raise blood pressure, and excessive cortisol levels result in an increased fat tissue.
 
3
 
Burnout occurs when there is chronic stress that has not been successfully managed, and to borrow from the World Health Organization’s definition, it is characterized by “feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion,” “feelings of negativism or cynicism,” and reduced “efficacy.”
 
This often results in a vicious cycle, where the reduced efficacy feeds the negativism and cynicism, which leads to greater feelings of energy depletion and exhaustion.
 
4
 
Keep an eye out for the following signs of burnout. If you have any concerns, consult your doctor or therapist:
Exhaustion
Insomnia
Helplessness
Changes in your eating habits
Anger…
 
…Irritability
Cynicism
Reduced interest in things you usually enjoy
An inability to think clearly
Apathy
An overwhelmingly negative outlook on life
Breathlessness
Reduced effectiveness with tasks
Dizziness
 
5
 
Arguably, we are at a greater risk of burnout because of our increased dependence on technology. We jump to respond to every alert and notification, and this takes us away from moments of connection with ourselves and others…
 
…As a result, our window of tolerance shrinks, making us more reactive and less in touch with our natural rhythms and the resulting wisdom.
 
If you would like to talk to an experienced psychotherapist about burnout, please book online for a free callback.
 
Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
Explore Transform LLC

“I never realized you were depressed; you always had a smile on your face,” or “I didn’t know they were suicidal because they always turned up for work and got the job done.” Depression is hard to spot, so that’s why a psychotherapist will work hard to get to know each individual client, so they know what depression looks like for them.
 
The beast of depression is a multifaceted creature. For some, it shows itself as anger and frustration whereas for others it is tears or disconnection. That can make it tricky for you to recognize it in yourself and your loved ones.
 
I always explain to clients that you know yourself and you know your loved ones. So, in your eyes, are there significant changes? Is someone who is usually peaceful and reserved acting in an explosive and hostile way? Is someone who is usually sporty and outgoing giving up on friends and activities?
 
I also like to point to excess as a key identifier for depression: Is someone working excessively, eating excessively, or are they excessively explosive? From a Polyvagal perspective, this is when someone is in the sympathetic fight-or-flight state. The nervous system detects cues of danger, and we respond by fighting or fleeing in an attempt to establish safety.
 
Excess can show itself in other ways. Is someone excessively scrolling through social media, staring into space, or becoming forgetful? From a Polyvagal perspective, this is when someone is in the dorsal vagal (shutdown) state. The nervous system detects cues of danger, and we respond by shutting down or numbing out because it feels like there is no hope of escape.
 
Faced with depression, our first goal is to recognize when we are in these states where we sense danger (sympathetic fight-or-flight state, or dorsal vagal shutdown state). Compassionate is a crucial approach to depression, so we need to be curious about what state we are in, and why this might be happening.
 
The second goal with depression is to identify when we are in a ventral vagal state; in other words, when we feel safe and calm. These might be few and far between, but if we can identify one or two, we can build on those and try and replicate them as much as possible. For example, we might feel safe and calm when we think of a beach or see the color purple, or when we are around a particularly supportive friend or family member.
 
The more flexible we become, recognizing that there is a state of safety and calm, not just the fight-or-flight and shutdown states, the easier we will ride the ups and downs of life. As Dr Gabor Mate once wrote, “it’s not about feeling better. It’s about getting better at feeling.”
 
Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist & Author
Counseling & Psychotherapy in Ridgewood, New Jersey

The Four Elements of Stress Reduction, by Elan Shapiro. This is a quick exercise to help you manage stress and anxiety. I have recorded an audio version so you can save it to your phone, and use it as and when you need. I hope you find it useful.

Go gently.

Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist at Explore Transform
Ridgewood, New Jersey

Do you notice you tend to people-please, even to your detriment? You might be stuck in a trauma response called "fawning". Here's a great video to explain more. Most importantly, it explains what you can do about it.
​
Book online today if you would like to explore more about the fawn response, and other responses of your nervous system. You can book online for a free initial telephone call.

​Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist at Explore Transform LLC
Counseling & Psychotherapy in Ridgewood, New Jersey

It is good to cooperate, but sometimes, we can end up making sacrifices when we don’t have to. When we get stuck in a response, we lose the ability to respond in an appropriate way. When we get stuck in a response, we cannot weigh up the pros and cons and make an informed decision based on the present reality. When we get stuck in a response, we are responding to the past trauma(s) rather than the present.
 
Pete Walker, a therapist who specializes in trauma, identified the “fawn response” as one of the various trauma responses. You have probably already heard of fight, flight, or freeze, but often people overlook the fawn response. As we are a society that demands cooperation, I wonder if we have developed a blind spot to this trauma response.
 
Here are a few telltale signs to identify if you are in a fawn (trauma) response rather than just being cooperative:
 
1.You make sacrifices for other people without considering your own feelings and needs.
2.You know rationally that you can refuse to comply with a request, but you feel like you have no other choice.
3.You frequently apologize.
4.Fear prevents you from making decisions.
5.You feel responsible for everyone’s feelings and needs.
6.You act according to the values of others, rather than your own values.
7.You feel invisible in a group.
8.When you feel angry, you feel guilty. (Note the difference between feeling angry and acting on anger.)
 
Book online today if you would like to explore more about the fawn response, and other responses of your nervous system. You can book online for a free initial telephone call.

​Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist at Explore Transform LLC
Counseling & Psychotherapy in Ridgewood, New Jersey

I am glad to see this article where The New York Times recognizes the importance of parental burnout. For years, I have been tackling this with my clients, and in the books I have published.

Technological growth has certainly made things worse by destroying boundaries and increasing demands on our time. This is where an experienced psychotherapist can step in to help you recognize that you are experiencing burnout, and what options you have to tackle it.
​
Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
Explore Transform LLC

In this modern age of AI, we are experiencing powerlessness at a greater rate. Without a sense of power and control over your life, you can drift into hopelessness, which increases the risk of depression. Without a sense of power and control, you can feel anxious and increase the risk of panic attacks. Powerlessness can also create a vicious cycle where you believe there is no point in trying because you do not influence your life, so you retreat and try less, which leads to more and more evidence of powerlessness.
 
What better way to respond to this risk to our mental health than to tap into our nervous system? As soon as we learn about the various states of our nervous system, and how we can respond in any given moment, we can feel a sense of power and control. Polyvagal theory is an easy concept that helps you learn about your nervous system, and it teaches us that we all go up and down our nervous system “ladder” throughout the day, depending upon the cues of safety and danger. For example, We might feel distant, detached, or spaced out when we are in the shutdown dorsal vagal state, or we might feel breathless and panicky, with racing thoughts when we are in the sympathetic state of “fight, flight or freeze.” Finally, we might feel safe and calm or connected to ourselves or others when we are in the ventral vagal state.
 
Knowing which state you are in is helpful, but knowing how to respond in any given state is a huge antidote to powerlessness. For example, when I feel detached in the dorsal vagal state of shutdown, I ground myself by using all my senses. I throw a ball up and down, noticing the contact the ball makes on my skin (and even exploring the stitching on the ball), or I tune my senses into the sound of my kids laughing, or even the feel of their toys.
 
Here I have set out some free resources that can help you in any given state. There are grounding exercises, breathing exercises, and mindfulness exercises, and the more you know, the less you will feel powerless.
 
I hope you find this useful.
 
Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey
​Explore Transform LLC

For survivors of trauma, burnout can occur when we overly focus on something to distract ourselves from our trauma. This excessive focus can also give us a sense of power and control to counterbalance the feelings of powerlessness or helplessness that we might still experience since the trauma. This excessive focus could be on work issues, personal relationships, or even hobbies that have become more of an obsession than an enjoyable pastime.
 
For years, we have been working with survivors of trauma using EMDR and Polyvagal theory. On this page, you will find a great deal of information about Polyvagal theory and EMDR. In brief, EMDR helps to bring you to a point where you can sit with adverse experiences so that you are no longer overwhelming by them. By the end of the reprocessing, you will feel, think, and believe in your body, that the once-distressing experiences are in the past, and not in your present.

Burnout poses a serious threat to our mental and physical health. If you suspect that you are experiencing burnout, get in contact with an experienced professional.

Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey

From a young age, you have been taught to put others first. Think of others, be a team player, don't be selfish. You've heard it all, and these not-so-subtle messages can shape your inner voice when you become a parent. You believe that you should sacrifice your own needs for the sake of your children, and if you experience the beginnings of burnout, then just ignore them and power on.
 
The reality is that mental health is about balance. Yes, it would help if you prioritized the needs of your children but unfortunately, you need to find a balance between their needs and your own. This can prevent burnout, and it can also teach them a sustainable way to live in the world. After all, if they see you neglecting your own needs, they might do this in friendship groups or later on in life, in their careers or relationships.
 
Fall is a beautiful time of year when it comes to the color of the leaves, but it can be an ugly time for parental burnout. In my psychotherapy practice, I hear more and more stories about the stress parents are under. Some of it is a symptom of the changing landscape. After all, we never grew up with AI and social media. But some of it is because of this selfless inner voice that we have been given by our parents. So if you are reading this, take this as permission to look for a balance between meeting the needs of your children and your own needs. Don't delay by carving out some self-care time, and regularly. You will find several free resources on this page that you can use during that self-care time. These include mindfulness, grounding, and breathing exercises.
 
If you think you might be experiencing burnout, here is a quick reminder of some of the symptoms:

You feel exhausted and restless.
You feel apathetic about the things that you used to feel energized about.
You have had trouble sleeping, or you have been sleeping too much.
You have been thinking about walking out on a job or a personal situation, even though you know this might make things worse.
You have been feeling helpless in a situation at work or home.
You have been breathless, short of breath, or dizzy.
You feel that no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to keep up with your demands.
You have been more irritable and angrier of late.
You have become cynical and unable to find any positive side to things.
You have been less able to concentrate at work or in your relationships.
 
If you have any questions about parental burnout, please reach out to me.

Chris Warren-Dickins
Psychotherapist in Ridgewood, New Jersey