Ever heard of the ‘fight or flight’ response?  No doubt you have.  In response to a perceived threat, adrenalin charges round your body as your heart pumps faster, sending blood to your limbs, and your pupils dilate.

But did you know that if you get stuck in this response for too long, it can cause serious physical and mental health issues.

You are more likely to get stuck in the ‘fight or flight’ response if you grew up experiencing Adverse Childhood Experiences during the first eighteen years of your life.  Here are just some of those Adverse Childhood Experiences -

1. If you witnessed domestic violence
2. Your parents were divorced or separated
3. If you experienced sexual abuse
4. You grew up believing that your family did not think you were special
5. You lived in a household where adults physically hurt you
6. Your basic needs were not met (for example, food and clothing)
7. Your caregivers struggled with mental health issues
8. Your caregivers had a problem with drink or drugs
9. Your caregivers went to prison
10. You grew up in a household where adults swore at you, humiliated you, or made you afraid that you might be physically hurt

As a result of these Adverse Childhood Experiences, neurobiologists claim that you produce more toxic stress, an over-production of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline.  This can lead to a greater likelihood of arthritis, heart disease, diabetes, and lung cancer.

Life can be a Detox
Even if you have experienced these Adverse Childhood Experiences, all is not lost.  There are numerous ways you can teach your body and brain that you do not need to constantly be in a state of ‘fight or flight’.  For example, in the safety of a therapeutic relationship, or with the trust of a loving partner, you can learn that life is not always dangerous, and people can be trusted.  Neuroscientists call this neuroplasticity, where your brain creates new neural pathways as you learn new experiences.

Polyvagal Theory
Polyvagal Theory was conceptualized by psychiatrist Stephen Porges, and it helps us to understand how our nervous system responds in different conditions -

• If you feel safe, your Parasympathetic Nervous System allows you to stop and rest, sleep, and even meditate. Stephen Porges called this the Ventral Vagal Nerve Network, and Porges claims that this runs from the diaphragm up to the brain stem.
• If you feel unsafe and you fear you have no escape, your Parasympathetic Nervous System will make you shut down (this is the ‘freeze’ response’, or ‘dissociation’).  Stephen Porges called this the Dorsal Vagal Nerve Network.
• If you feel unsafe and you can see a way out, your Sympathetic Nervous System will activate your ‘fight or flight’ response.

Stephen Porges suggested that we could combat stress by enaging in the following exercises that involve the parts of the body that include the Ventral Vagal Nerve Network (anywhere from the diaphragm up to the brain stem) -

• Breathing exercises
• Physical Exercise
• Singing, and humming
• Smiling, and eye contact
• Connect more with your family and friends, especially if this involves the exchange of eye contact, conversation, and laughter

You can also take control of your stress by keeping a track of your ‘triggers’.  The more you are aware of these activating moments, the more you can anticipate them, and use grounding exercises, to remind yourself that you are in the safety of the present.  One such grounding exercise is to use all give of your senses.  Simply notice -

• Five things you can see
• Four things you can feel
• Three things you can hear
• Two things you can smell
• One thing you can taste

By the time you get to the end of this exercise, you will be safely in the calm present. 

Give it a try, and let me know how you get on.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor)
www.exploretransform.com  

Prince Harry has bravely spoken out about his positive experiences of EMDR.  Here he is demonstrating the Butterfly Taps (one of the key tools we use to start the EMDR protocol). 

You will also note that he is using EMDR via online therapy, and I am going to release a separate article setting out the research that shows the effectiveness of EMDR delivered via an online format.  

Find out more about EMDR therapy.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), Northern New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com  ​

In today's news, Prince Harry has revealed that he found EMDR extremely helpful.  As a British psychotherapist working in New Jersey, it was great to hear this ringing endorsement for a type of therapy I use with my clients on a daily basis.  Each day I see the positive changes that EMDR brings, and often this is the first time someone has had any sort of improvement from psychotherapy.

Over recent years, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR) has become the preferred choice of therapy.  The World Health Organization recognizes EMDR as an 'A' level of treatment for trauma, and research has shown that it is effective for a wide range of adverse life experiences.

Do you find yourself stuck in certain emotions or beliefs about yourself?  For example, do you feel on edge?  Or do you have this hard-to-shake belief that you are unsafe, or that you are somehow defective? 

Stuck emotions and beliefs can creep into every aspect of your life, holding you back, and impacting others around you.  For example, you might lack the confidence to speak up more at work, or you shy away from social gatherings at your child's playground.  Without resolving these stuck emotions and beliefs, you run the risk of continuing the cycle, and passing on these negative beliefs and emotions to your children.

Find out more about this effective approach to adverse life experiences.

If you are interested in booking an initial assessment, book online today.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), Northern New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com  

As COVID restrictions are lifted, there is so much more choice available; restaurants are reopening, and people who are vaccinated are more willing to meet up in-person.  What might seem exciting could also lead to conflict.  With so much living to catch up on, how do we make a choice between these competing demands.

This is where your values can come in handy.  Use these to prioritize your time, and say no without apology.  Your values are helpful markings on the roadmap of your life, guiding you at every turn. 
 
Values evolve with age, so give yourself some time to identify your values for each area of your life.  This might vary a little according to the context, but it shouldn’t vary dramatically.  We all have a rough idea about how we want each part of our lives to look like. 

I have set out below a grid for you to use to help identify your values.  For each area of your life (home life, wider family, friends, working life, etc) identify the following three things -
 
The vision - This is a generic statement about how you would like each area of our life to look like.  For example, you know that you want to be the type of parent who spends at least some time with your kids.  You want to be present in their lives, and you want them to know you are there if they really need you.  That is the vision. 
 
A vision realised – Then for each vision, identify tangible examples of how that vision might be realised.  This is the maximum that you need to do to really reflect this vision.  For example, being present in your daughter’s life might mean, at a maximum, checking in with her once a day, or watching 80% of her sporting events.  It is important to be clear on when this vision would be realised, because we can sometimes overdo things.  For example, we probably don’t need to be at every single one of her sporting events, or we don’t need to check in with her five times a day!  Having the comfort that we have done enough frees us up for other parts of our life, without the guilt.
 
The boundaries – Finally, for each vision, identify tangible examples of how that vision might be breached.  For example, if we attend less than one sporting event a month, this might mean we need to focus more time and energy on this vision.
​
Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), Northern New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com  

When the fighting escalates, and you forget why you ever got together in the first place, relationship conflict can lead you to think that you would be better off alone.  In some situations this may be true; if there is violence or emotional abuse, for example.  But in most relationships we don't need to be alone forever, we just need to remember the benefits of connection with other people.

Here is another look at my article on the benefits of relationships and connection.  And if you are still struggling with relationship conflict, get in contact today.
​
Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com      

No matter the gender identity, we all need to understand how we can survive the Male Label.  It is well established that the Male Label is associated with an increased risk of the harm, but how much are we trying to understand how we can reduce this harm?

Here are just a few examples of the harm associated with the Male Label - 

• Trauma (61% report exposure to at least one traumatic event)
• Violence (4 times higher rates of violent death)
• Suicide (4 times higher)
• Incarceration (93% of the prison population)

But these statistics are not inevitable; things can change. Whether you are one of the Male Labelled, or you are concerned about colleagues, employees, friends or family who have been given the Male Label, we all need to understand the Four Tips to Survive the Male Label.

Find out more today

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), Northern New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com  

Shame can walk into a therapy session in the form of any of the following issues -

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Relationship conflict
• Excessive working
• Under or over-eating
• Avoidance of social gatherings

These are just a handful of examples; there are many more.

In a previous article I mentioned the phrase ‘shame tattoo’, and that is still such a great phrase to use:  Shame permeates beneath the skin, and it acts as a constant reminder of the pain we once experienced.  Sometimes we can still feel that pain fizzing through the muscle and veins deep within.

Here is another look at my article on shame.  If hope you find it useful.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), Northern New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com   

The bully.  They come in all shapes and sizes, and they lurk in every shadow:  You will find them at your workplace, the school playground, your closest friendship group, and even your own family.  Take a look around, and you might find one breathing down your neck as you read this, or they might discourage you from expressing certain views, or prohibit you from seeing certain friends.

Sometimes we only realize we have been bullied when it is too late; when we have already conceded more than we would have chosen to do, but for some reason, we felt compelled by some overt or covert threat:  They would withdraw their love, you would be excluded from their group, they would cross the road when they next saw you, or they might spread lies about you.

So what can we do to survive the bully? 
I am an integrative psychotherapist, and this means I use different approaches to help clients to resolve their difficulties.  I have set out a range of different approaches to this problem, and you may prefer to lean into one over the other.  There is no wrong or right way to handle this –

‘Pain’ Management (from a type of therapy called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and also from Mindfulness)
To survive the bully, we need to learn how to tolerate the discomfort they cause.  I have helped clients manage physical illnesses, and together we have tried out the suggestions set out below.  You might like to try to manage the ‘pain’ this bully causes you –

• Enter into the ‘pain’. Really tune into the thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations this bully evokes in you.  Become aware of, and accept, what is, rather than trying to ignore it, or fear the future uncertain.  Try to be specific when you describe these experiences, but at the same time recognise these thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations as simply thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations.  If you allow yourself to experience a distance from these, you may be able to see that they are often temporary.  They are not the whole of you.
• If entering the ‘pain’ seems overwhelming, anchor yourself in the moment by focusing on your breath. Allow thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations to come and go, but keep returning your attention to each breath.  Ask yourself ‘How uncomfortable is it right now?’ rather than fearing the future uncertain.
• Manage your expectations. It is probably unrealistic to expect to never suffer any ‘pain’ from this bully, and so you will set yourself up for disappointment.
• Caricaturise the bully. In the privacy of your own home, draw him with distorted features and give him a comedic name.  This can offer you distance from his aggression. 
• You can try all sorts of affirming statements including: Today I am choosing to go to work, or to that social gathering, or to that school (wherever the bully is likely to be).  I have strength to withstand this situation.  Avoidance will only intensify any anxiety related to the bully. 
• Give yourself space when you need it. You don’t want to avoid the bully altogether, but you can give yourself time out from them.  Even if it is on a temporary basis.
• Give yourself a few minutes each day to stop and become aware of your breathing, letting thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations come and go without resistance or challenge

Assertiveness (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)
Whether it is the person who is perceived to be the ‘bully’, or the person perceived to be the ‘victim’, either party may feel that the situation has arisen because either party has an issue with assertiveness.  No one is assertive all the time, so to assess how assertive you are in a situation, ask yourself:  ‘How much do I act on other people’s wishes at the cost of my own?’  If you are frequently doing this, and it is causing you difficulties in your life, you may need to consider working on your assertiveness.

Assertiveness includes the ability to ask for something but also the ability to say no.  Consider the following points when you think about times you have asked the bully for something, or when you have had to say no to him –

• Watch for inappropriate smiles or apologies
• Keep it brief, speak clearly and confidently
• If you are unsure, if you feel unable to answer immediately, ask for more information. If you are still unsure, state clearly that you will need to think about this and you will come back to him with an answer at a later date
• If you have given your view and the bully keeps asking the same question, trying to force you to change your mind, consider yourself like a strong old tree swaying in the wind:  Simply repeat your point without changing it.  You can empathise with the bully’s position without having to alter your own position in any way:  For example, ‘I understand you are under pressure to have an answer today but, based on the information I have at the moment, I will not be able to offer you an answer today.  I will, however, come back to you first thing tomorrow with an answer’. 
• Don’t use the phrase ‘I cannot’ when you mean ‘I will not’
• Avoid blaming others

Karpman’s drama triangle (from a type of therapy called Transactional Analysis)
A concept from Transactional Analysis is Karpman’s drama triangle:  In social situations we can sometimes adopt one of the following roles:  Persecutor, Victim or Rescuer.  If one person is leaning in one direction (for example, they are becoming a Victim), that can often make others appear as if they are adopting one of the other roles (they are becoming the Persecutor or the Rescuer).  As a result, people perceive each other in terms of these contrasting roles, without recognising that we have elements of each in all of us.

By adopting one of these roles, there is often a payoff.  If we become the Victim, for example, we might be protected by a Rescuer in our life.  We do not have to go to the effort of rescuing ourselves.  If we adopt the role of Persecutor, we do not have to accept the pain of recognising that we all have vulnerabilities.  Our tendency to adopt one of these roles can often be subconscious, so it is hard to challenge this alone, but the more we recognise that these roles exist, the more likely we are to challenge this, and avoid viewing a situation in such a simplistic way as consisting of a Persecutor (or ‘bully’), a Victim and a Rescuer.

To view the ‘bully’ as a whole person, rather than simply the Persecutor – 

• See the bully as someone who is probably acting in fear.  Aggression, whether it is overt or passive, is born of fear, so if we just see the aggressive behaviour, we have missed a trick.
• A bully often feels inferior, and so their behaviour is a way of managing that perceived inferiority.
• When you interact with the bully, make eye contact and remain civil, even if the bully has descended into childishness

Find out more today.

Chris Warren-Dickins LLB MA LPC
Psychotherapist, (Licensed Professional Counselor), Northern New Jersey
www.exploretransform.com